A Kind of Fire
by Ariane Rivendell
Summary: Johnny and Roy find themselves circling each other in a way that could leave their friendship either stronger or burned to ashes. Somewhere at the feathery edge of bromance / slash. T for language.
1. Chapter 1

"Emergency!" characters are the property of Mark VII and Universal. No copyright infringement intended. Original characters belong to me, but are free to go home with anyone who wants them (just be nice to them).

*****From _Listen to the Music_, by The Doobie Bros.

**A/N:**I wanted to try a different take from other slash approaches. Chapters will be added every couple of weeks or so…

**A Kind of Fire**

by Ariane Rivendell

**Johnny:**

'…_.What the people need_

_is a way to make 'em smile_

_It ain't so hard to do if you know how _

_Gotta get a message_

_Get it on through_

_Oh now mama's goin' to after awhile…'__*****_

Oh, man, I had that tune in my head all morning, since the alarm went off, playing that song off the radio. It fit my mood to a 't'. I'm not normally a whistling kind of guy, but every so often I can't help myself. I'd had a _fantastic_ vacation and I couldn't wait to tell Roy.

I was in the locker room, gettin' my threads on, when I saw a shadow on the floor looming up from the vehicle bay. _Damn, I forgot I shouldn't wear these shoes to work, I have a hard time gettin' em off_. I gotta press down real hard on the heel of the doggone thing with my other foot just to get my foot out. Suddenly, Roy was at the door, leanin' on it kinda weird.

"Mornin', Roy!"

"Mornin', yourself. It must've gone well, you're awfully chipper this morning."

"Aw, it was _great_, Roy. At first, I wasn't sure I liked the idea of spending part of my vacation as a working vacation. But, man, it was _just_ fantastic. The kids on the reservation really took to it, y'know? Learning basic first aid, basic fire prevention. I mean, they _really_ took to it! I wouldn't be surprised if a few of those kids become firefighter paramedics." I couldn't help grinning like an idiot – I was so _proud_ of those kids!

"Well, I just came to tell you the coffee's ready."

"Thanks. Be there in a minute." I had to reach all the way into my locker to find my spiffy all-professional firefighter shoes; I'd just tossed them in before I left 'cause I'd been itchin' to get going. "Oh, so how did Benjamin Dunning do?" I'd almost forgotten he was called in as my replacement. He was doing overtime from 24. Kind of an unknown to the rest of us and a fairly new paramedic. I was a little concerned 'cause Cap over at 24 seemed a little too eager to lend him to us, but Roy wasn't all that worried. I was curious to see which of us was right. But then I realized, he hadn't answered.

"Roy?" I closed my locker door, but he was gone.

**Roy:**

Benjamin Dunning.

A name that will live in infamy. I suppose I should've been more upset about it. I mean, don't get me wrong. I _was_ upset. But I was worried that if I'd allowed myself to think too much on it, I would've been too upset to be of much use to anybody. In hindsight, that might not've been the smartest move on my part. Or maybe it was. All depends on your perspective, I guess.

I'd heard Johnny ask the question. But I wasn't ready to reciprocate war stories, just yet. Only because I knew how he'd react to mine. Figured I'd make my escape while he had his head in his locker. If I could stall him for the next two weeks, maybe I could come out on the other side of this, unscathed. I'd already had the lecture from Joanne. And Cap. And Brackett. And Dix. And everyone else at Rampart. Even Stoker weighed in on it, so that tells you somethin'. But I really wasn't interested in another one. _Especially_ from my own accident-prone partner.

Of course, I knew I really only had a matter of minutes before the levee would break.

Shoulda thought to put in for immediate medical leave. That was my first mistake. Out of about several hundred as far as all this went. But not putting in for time off was definitely a big one. Maybe if I'd had, none of this would've happened...

**Johnny:**

Mmm, that coffee smelled extra good this morning. Must be either Stoker or Lopez coffee. It's funny, after so much time, so many shifts and easily, a whole lakes' worth of coffee after all these years, I've almost learned to tell who made it just by the smell. I can tell Roy's, Chet's and Cap's. Still don't always get Marco's or Mike's. Can't lose on either count – both of those guys still make the best coffee on our shift. One last whiff test…I'm gonna go with Marco coffee.

I followed the aroma from the locker room and rubbed my hands together in anticipation. I never understood my parents' fascination with coffee when I was growing up. Now that I am grown up, I can't imagine starting the day without it.

"Mornin', everybody," I said, still trippin' from my trip.

A chorus of answering greetings erupted from the others.

Chet and Mike were already in the coffee line. Bingo! Marco coffee it is. This day was gearin' up to treatin' me right, so far. Roy was readin' the paper at the table with Marco.

But something struck me funny about the way Roy was sitting. Not only had he leaned on the doorframe back in the locker room kinda weird, he was sittin' at the table all weird, too. He was by the tv, first of all – not his usual spot – and he was sittin' completely at a right angle to the table, facing the window. He never sits like that. I mean, who sits down at a table without having the table right in front of 'em? Couldn't figure out why he wa'n't just sittin' on the couch. Marco was across from him tugging a section out of the stack.

"So, John, how was it?" Chet asked, handing me the coffee urn.

I was about to regale my shift mates with my incredible vacation stories, but then we heard Cap's voice from the vehicle bay, "Roll call!"

We scurried outta there and lined up beside the Engine. I saw Roy trail out last, stop outside the kitchen, then walk behind us, turning at right angles like he was still in the army and then he went to stand all the way at the other end of the line. _What the heck's gotten _into_ him? _

Cap ticked off the attendance sheet, read the announcements then went through the assigned duties. Finally, he eyed my partner, "Roy, you feeling alright?"

I looked over at him. _Now why would he ask that? _

**Roy:**

_Well now you've done it, Cap._ I saw Johnny out of the corner of my eye further down the line just lookin' at me.

More for my future benefit than his current one, I put on the biggest smile I could, "Oh yeah, Cap. I'm fine," in the hopeless hope that it would dissuade any discussion from my curious and sometimes overly enthusiastic partner. Oh I knew better, no doubt about that. I just really didn't want to hear it again for the umpteenth time. 'Cause then I'd really get upset, and…well, we've already been over that. _Well, my cover's blown. Then again, it's not like I could've hidden it forever…_

"Alright, men, let's try to get some of these chores done before a call comes in, alright?"

**Johnny:**

Now I was _really_ starting to wonder what was going on. The Engine crew started back toward the kitchen, but I hung back, determined to confront Roy.

"What did Cap mean by that?"

Roy walked right past me, started sideways into the kitchen, and pointed back at me, "Hey, did you do the morning radio check to Rampart?"

"Not yet. I was just about to get to it." I made for the Squad. "Roy, you didn't answer my question." Silence. "Roy?"

**Roy:**

I did everything I could think of to delay it, but there was no getting around the inevitable. He was gonna notice it, sooner or later.

I downed the last drops of my coffee at the sink, ready to start in on the sleeping quarters. I should've started when Johnny went to do the radio check. But I really wanted to finish my coffee. It was Marco coffee, after all. But like a dummy, I decided to put the paper back, first. Mistake number two. Old habits and parental training die hard, I guess. I heard the squeak of skidded shoes at the door just I turned back toward the table. And that's when the Santa Ana winds blew in.

"What'n the hell _happened _to you?"

_Oh boy, here we go_…


	2. Chapter 2

**A Kind of Fire**

**Chapter 2 **

by

Ariane Rivendell

"Emergency!" is owned by Mark VII and Universal. No copyright infringement intended. All original characters are mine.

**A/N:** Meant to specify that, due to my insane schedule for the next few months, chapters will be added every couple of weeks or so… Most grateful & humble thanx to my beta readers.

* * *

><p><strong>Johnny:<strong>

I couldn't believe what I was seeing! My _partner_, my _best friend_ had been sneaking around all morning trying to _hide_ it from me! ME! Like I was never gonna find out!

With a resigned sigh, Roy looked up just as I walked up to him.

"Here, lemmee see." I made to grab his face to look at it better, but he frowned and put his arm up to ward me off.

Too late. I'd already seen it from across the room, anyway, and I followed him as he tried to move away from me, anger and worry all jumbling around in my gut. "Those are _burn_ bandages, Roy."

I was not happy. Not in the least. Cuts, bruises, lacerations, that's one thing. But burns? On my partner's _face?_ I didn't like it. Not one damn bit. I wanted to know how the hell Benjamin Dunning allowed that to happen. And I knew it was Dunning's fault cause I knew Roy would never be _stupid_ enough to allow that to happen.

"What? You didn't tell him?" Marco asked, eyes practically boring into Roy.

"Tell me what?" I'd had enough of him trying to hide from me. I seized Roy, steered him to the table and plunked him down into a chair. I nabbed another one, took hold of Roy's face and turned his head. He tried to move out of my clutches, again, but I threw him a look that clearly told him I wasn't fooling around. He knows full well I don't mess with burns. I grabbed him again. "Tell me what?" I asked again.

"Roy got injured," Chet sipped at his coffee.

"I can see that." Most of the time Chet gets on my nerves but every once in awhile he just_ grates_ on me.

That musta distracted me, cause when I brought up my other hand, I nearly poked Roy's eye out.

He reared back and leveled me with a look like I'd just broken one of Jenny's dolls, or some'in'.

"Sorry."

"I don't need you to finish what the fire started."

"Well I said I was sorry." I peered closely at Roy's face, examining gingerly around the bandages that covered a quarter of his face, lining his right temple, down past his eye and to the top of his cheek. The edge of his eyebrow and sideburns had been singed off and his neck, ear and cheek below the bandage were red with severe-looking sunburn. Roy flinched. "Would you hold still." I inspected further and the more I did the angrier I got. "These are first and second degree burns, Roy!"

**Roy:**

Like I don't know that. That's the problem with being in this business. Everyone you know knows what you know. Except they treat you as if you don't know the same thing they know.

"Yeah. I know. Relax, they're only superficial."

**Johnny:**

"Good job, Gage. Next we'll cover bruises and paper cuts," Chet needled.

I wasn't in the mood for Chet's wisecracks so I ignored him. I could feel myself gettin' hot under the collar and knew I should've quit while I was ahead. But there was no way I was lettin' this go. "How the hell did this happen? And don't tell me you were at home, 'cause I know you were on shift the day before last and you did overtime yesterday and these burns are fresh."

"Now you see why I didn't tell him?" he appealed to the rest of the guys.

"Is that why you've been hiding from me all morning?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"It is, now. And the fact that you were hiding from me tells me it happened on the job and could've been avoided. So spill it, Roy. What the hell happened?"

"Dunning left Roy in a fire," Marco answered bitterly.

I nearly jumped out of my seat. "He did _what!_"

Now, see, I was right! I knew whatever it was was Dunning's fault. But I'll tell you, I wasn't expecting _that_. I think I understood, at that moment, that defensive instinct parents feel when their children are in danger. Not that I look upon Roy as a child, but I suspect the intensity was about the same.

"He didn't _leave_ me, exactly—"

"Well, what would _you_ call it?" Marco countered. I don't think I'd ever seen Marco pissed before. I'm not sure I want to see it again.

I went from hot under the collar to enraged in about half a second. "What happened, Roy? And I want _all_ the details. Don't leave anything out."

**Roy:**

_Fantastic. _I tried to figure out the best way to explain what'd happened so Johnny wouldn't go ballistic on me. Cause I've known him a long time, see, and I know for a fact how he'd react to this. So I tried to think of a way to approach this whole thing and let him down easy, at the same time. Mainly because, like I said before, I didn't want to hear it. Not throughout the next two days of our shift…

"We had a 3-alarm the other night," Chet began.

I threw Kelly my best indignant look.

"Well, you were taking too long."

"Nevermind, keep going," Johnny encouraged.

Then I threw it at my partner, "Can I tell my own story?"

"Well, hurry up," Marco and Chet chimed in unison.

I looked around at my brothers, "Look, it wasn't that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal! Half your face looks like you were the marshmallow at a campfire, Roy. Now tell me, how did this happen?"

"Okay, look. Dunning and I went in in search of victims. We went down a hallway and separated. I took the right, he took the left." I didn't see any real reason to continue on from there.

Gage narrowed his eyes at me. "Okay, so you separated. Then what?"

"And then…I never saw him again until I got outside."

Johnny's nostrils flared. And I was almost certain I saw actual smoke coming out of his ears…

"Did you flunk storytelling in school, DeSoto?" an incredulous expression crossed Chet's face. "So Marco and I were in there, what, 15 minutes? Now, mind you, we started in after Dunning and Roy. We come back out to change tanks—"

"And Dunning comes walking out, takes his tank off, sits on the running board like he's all done for the night and grabs a canteen," Marco finished. "So Chet and I are switching out _our_ tanks and I ask him, 'So there's no one inside, huh?'"

"And he sits there, just looks at us, and says, 'Oh. No.'" Chet was reenacting Dunning's apparent casualness with his usual dramatic flair.

"So I'm thinkin', well, if the place is empty, switch your tank, grab a line and come help us."

"Right. But does he? No," Chet continued. "So Marco and I are lookin' at each other like, 'what's up this guy?'"

"I figure, maybe he's hurt," Marco says. "I ask him, he says no. I look around and realize, I don't see Roy."

Johnny shifted forward in his chair.

"Is it just me or is this like watching a tennis match?" Stoker observed.

"It does kinda seem that way, doesn't it?" I agreed.

**Johnny:**

"Would you two hush," I complained. "So then what?"

"So I asked him, 'where's Roy?'. He says 'I don't know, I thought he was out here," Marco went on.

"So _I_ said, 'Well, why didn't you just use your HT?' _He_ says 'Why would I if I thought he was out here?'," Chet mocked, veins sticking out of his neck. "I mean, can you believe it?"

"I asked, 'Did you guys get separated?' And he said you guys had agreed to each take one end of the building," Marco sipped his coffee.

"So I said, 'You mean to tell me he's still inside?' So _he_ says, 'Well, I guess if he's not out here then he must be'. I wanted to _kill_ the idiot!" Chet nearly yelled.

"So Chet and I go tell Cap—"

"And I swear his face got redder than the flames that were shootin' outta that apartment building," Chet interrupted.

"So we go in to find Roy," Lopez continued.

"And find him yelling to us from a doorway," Chet said.

_That did it_. "Wait, hold on a minute." I looked at Roy, "What happened? Where was your HT?"

**Roy:**

"Well, I tried to meet up with Dunning on the main stairwell after checking all of the apartments at the other end, but he wasn't there. 110 had warned us about a possible ceiling collapse and they were right. Just as I went to call him on the HT that whole section of ceiling above the main staircase came down on top of me just then and the HT went flying out of my hand as I tried to roll away from it. But all that debris also blocked Dunning's access to the main stairway, so I figured he was trapped. Then I realized _I_ was trapped because the end of the hallway on the other end was already fully involved. I took my mask off to yell for him, but he wasn't answering. By this time, my alarm had already gone off, twice. My only way out was through one of the apartments that I hadn't checked, yet. I kicked open a door—"

"—and shazam!" Chet exclaimed.

Johnny's eyes widened. "Backdraft?"

"I realized it just in time, too. Couldn't get my mask on in time, but I managed to duck out of the way…mostly. And then Chet and Marco showed up."

Captain Stanley walked in just then, "I don't recall the inspection of Roy's injuries being on the duty roster, fellas."

His eyes narrowing, Gage leaned back, laid an index finger at his temple and aimed a hard look at me that I couldn't read.

**Johnny:**

It's not like stupidity isn't unheard of among firefighters. But the incidents I know of usually stem from extreme job fatigue or a probie mistake.

But _this_…

There was _no_ way…

I _could_ not _believe_ what I was hearing.

Madder 'n a mosquito in a mannequin factory doesn't even _begin_ to cover how teed off I was. It just brought back everything that happened that time when Roy fell through the…

That sickening, helpless feeling that I vowed I would _never_ go though again.

That _fucking_ sonofabitch…

He left him.

He _left_ him. He _walked_ _out_ and _left _my partner. In a _fire_. That sonofabitch just _left_ him. Without saying a _fucking_ word; he just _left_ him! Two in, two out. That's Cap's rule, that's Roy's rule, and that's _my_ rule. And that sicktwistedsonofa… Now, see, if _I'd-a_ been there, I'd-a had his back. I'd _never_ have done that. Not even to _Chet_ on his _worst_ days. There's _no_ excuse for pullin' a stunt like that.

And a backdraft? A _backdraft!_ Roy's been doin' this longer 'n me, what the hell was he thinking?

And why the hell didn't he just come out and tell me? 'Stead of hidin' it from me all morning!

I threw all of that at Roy when I looked at him. How he could be this calm about it, I'll never know.

I couldn't stand it, any more. I had to get up and do something before I stalked over to 24 to beat Dunning to within an inch of his _life_.


	3. Chapter 3

**A Kind of Fire**: **Chapter 3 **

by Ariane Rivendell

"Emergency!" is owned by Mark VII and Universal. No copyright infringement intended. All original characters are mine.

* * *

><p><strong>Roy:<strong>

He pushed the chair back hard as he got up and didn't say a word as he left.

That's not a good sign.

A silent Johnny means he's hurting and he's buried it. Which means it's bad. And hauling it back up can sometimes be a bit of a chore.

"Something going on that I should know about?" Cap asked, catching the look Johnny'd given me.

"Roy didn't tell him," Mike replied.

"You didn't tell your partner you were nearly barbequed?"

"No…" I guess that was Mistake number 3. Or it coulda been the first one. Depends how you look at it, I suppose. I wasn't sure if I should leave Johnny alone and let him broach the subject when he was ready or tackle it, now, head on. I musta been starin' after him 'cause Cap suddenly barked.

"Roy!"

"Yeah? Sorry, Cap."

He thumbed a gesture out toward the bay, "Maybe you oughta go talk to him."

_I guess that answers that..._ I got up and followed after my partner.

"Well, now that you've all had your coffee break after that long, arduous roll call, can we please—?"

"Coffee break?" Chet whined, "we barely had the _coffee_…!"

The voices from the kitchen retreated as I headed into the sleeping quarters. "Johnny?"

The sound of a bucket filling with water sounded from the latrine. I cautiously entered in and saw Johnny by the utility faucet, waiting for the water to fill the bucket.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"'Bout what, Roy?" He shut off the water and busied himself with readying the rags and cleaners.

"You're obviously upset about something. Mind telling me what it is?"

"What makes you think I'm upset about anything?"

_Oh, I see, we're gonna play it that way. OK._ "You're stalking out of the kitchen, for one. And you're not looking at me."

He didn't answer. Ee-yup, he was pretty angry. Just the reason I'd wanted to keep this under wraps, in the first place.

_Maybe humor will do the trick._ "Chet's started calling him Doorway Dancer Dunning."

No reaction. I guess Truth wins out, after all. "Cap placed him under probation if that makes you feel any better."

"Is it supposed to?"

I debated with myself as to what would be the best way to handle this. Since Truth got something out of him the first time I guess continuing that straight-forward tack was the best course of action, "Are you mad at me?"

Johnny walked toward me, "'Scuse me, I need to get the mop."

I grabbed his arm as he started past me, "Who're you mad at, Johnny? Me or Benjamin?"

**Johnny:**

I couldn't even _begin_ to figure out how to answer that. He hides these burns from me… _second-degree_ _burns!_ On his _face!_ _Hides_ them from me and then dumps me with this story about this twitheaded _jackass_ who just casually walks off to leave my partner to _die!_ I mean, can you believe it? And he has the gumption to _ask_ me that. Everything about this whole thing was roiling around in my head and my gut and all I could do was _stand_ there, ready to jab a finger at his chest, needin' to blame somebody for something before I _lost_ it.

"I don't know."

And I didn't. I had a thousand thoughts all goin' through me at once and I couldn't sort it all out.

The alarm tones rang out and both of us stopped and listened. "Station 51. Hang gliding accident. Holy Crap ascent at Stoney Point. Holy Crap at Stoney Point. 11000 Topanga Canyon Boulevard. 1-1-0-0-0 Topanga Canyon Boulevard. Park Rangers will meet you at scene. Time out, 8:37."

I looked Roy straight in the eye and stuck my finger at him to drive home the only thing in this whole mess I was absolutely sure about. "All I know is, I would never leave you, Roy. I would never do that." I held his eyes as I moved past him to let him I know I meant it.

**Roy:**

_Now what was that supposed to mean?_

But as I watched him head to the Squad with that weird comment floatin' around in my head, I…felt something move in me. Some kind of…emotion, I guess. I'd never felt it before. It was awfully brief, too quick for me to hold onto and figure it out. Didn't matter, we had to move and so I ran to join him.

I've learned something about my numb-nuts partner over the years: he cares a lot. He cares almost to a fault. So when something happens that overloads his Sensitive circuits he shuts down. And whatever's bothering him gets its wires crossed with something else. His fear turns into misdirected anger about something that he's not really angry about.

What I said earlier about hauling back up what he's buried can sometimes be a chore? It's not just the one feeling he buries – it's like a cave-in, everything associated with what's bothering him gets caught up in the avalanche. Having to sort through all that can take time. And this was definitely proving to be one of those times.

**~!~**

I peered over at my sullen partner several times as we raced through the LA traffic.

"So you _are_ mad at me."

"You're damn right I'm mad at you!" He looked at me, eyed the bandage, and his face screwed up even more.

_Now we're getting somewhere!_ "Why? Why're you mad at me?"

"Backdraft? C'mon, Roy, you're not that stupid!"

"I was running out of air and I lost the HT. I didn't have a whole lot of options."

Johnny shook his head and turned to look out the window.

"It's not like I did it on purpose, y'know."

"You still coulda put your mask on before you busted open the door. Come to think of it, why didn't you?"

"Been askin' myself that same question. Look, it was just a stupid accident."

"You tell Joanne that?"

I sighed and steered around a lane of traffic at a stoplight that had no room to move for us. "She wasn't happy about it, either."

"No kidding."

"That's not the only reason you're angry, is it?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

**Johnny:**

No, it wasn't the only reason. But I was just too damned furious to walk down that road. I mean, how does _any _firefighter, no matter how new or how burned out on the job, just _leaves a man in there?_ I couldn't wrap my head around it! I couldn't fathom how, for all the money in the world, you could sleep at night knowing you just _walked out_ and_ left_ someone in a _burning building!_

And why didn't he just come straight out and tell me? He _hid_ it from me! His own partner. Now what does _that_ tell ya?

I know I should've asked but, like I said, I was too keyed up to wanna go down that road. Now was not the time, anyhow. We had a victim who was gonna need our help and it was time to start thinkin' about what kind of equipment we might need and what kind of injuries we'd be lookin' at. With this weather front collidin' with the Santa Ana winds out there, it wasn't lookin' to be an easy run.

"Hold on, did he say 'Holy Crap'?"

**Roy:**

Unfortunately, for me – or perhaps both of us – that's precisely what he'd said. Johnny probably told you it was a sign that our Spirit Guides were telling us something. I might not ever have believed in such things until…well, until all this went down. Can't say as I _believe_ any of that stuff still yet, but…let's just say I'd think twice, now, before discounting it. But that name sure turned out to be apt and an eerie foreshadowing of things to come, given that it led, arguably, to the worst mistake out of this whole mess –

Mistake Number 4.

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><p><strong>AN:** You'll have to forgive the geography-swapping. There really is a rock-climbing ascent called _Holy Crap_ (lol), but it's actually located at Tick Rock. I preferred the location (-esque) of Stoney Point, but just _couldn't_pass up the name (and I don't believe there are any service roads at Stoney Point, either). I'm certain errors will be noted in the following chapters re: the rescue, though not for lack of attempting research, I promise! Feel free to pm me any corrections.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

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><p><strong>Roy:<strong>

Stoney Point's a pretty popular rock climbing and hiking area, but it's not really conducive to hang gliding. Well, none of the areas around here are, really.

We headed up Topanga Canyon Boulevard and saw it as we got closer, about half way down the cliff face, a bright red dot against the pale rock.

"Holy crap is right," Johnny exclaimed, hanging out the window and peering up at it.

We had to go almost entirely around the site to access the service road that runs along the back and top of the cliff face. A police cruiser was already at the open gate and the officer motioned for us to go on in. We raced up the dirt road, climbing higher until we spotted a Park Ranger Land Rover and the ranger waved at us to stop.

A genial black gentleman with a kind expression that reminded me of Dr. Early extended his hand as we climbed out. "Hi, Ranger Bernard Plunket."

"Roy DeSoto. This is my partner, John Gage."

He shook our hands and then gestured to his right eye as he gave me a quizzical look.

"Cut myself shaving."

Johnny looked at Plunket, then at me and scowled.

"That musta been one helluva razor, my friend."

"Tell me about it. Ranger Plunket, this is Captain Stanley."

"Call me Hank," Cap walked up from behind and shook hands with him as we followed Johnny to the edge of the cliff.

We all looked down at the red glider shifting along the rocks, looking like a battered pterodactyl trying to re-launch itself from the cliff with its crumpled wings as outstretched as it could manage.

Cap turned to Plunket. "What's the story?"

"Well, looks like she thought the winds were an invitation for a day of glidin'. You can see for yourself how well that turned out."

"She?" Cap asked.

"Yup. I don't think she realized this place isn't for hang gliding."

"Is she conscious?" Johnny kneeled as if to see better down the cliff.

"Far as I could tell she hasn't been since I first arrived."

"How long ago did this happen?"

"Mm, little more than an hour, maybe? Some rock climbers spotted it and called it in. But who's to know how long she'd been here before they saw her. Certainly not before sun-up."

"Well, how do you boys wanna do this?" Cap laid his hands on his hips.

"The way that glider's moving around down there, Cap, it's making me nervous."

"I don't see the pilot," Johnny noticed. I didn't, either.

"You want air support?" Cap asked.

I'd thought about it as we were driving up. But now that we were here and looking at the scenario, I was rethinking the logistics of that idea.

"Don't think so, Cap. These winds are too fierce. The wind from the blades are gonna make things worse. And even if we get it secure I'd hate for it to cut loose with the chopper hovering."

"Yeah. So what're you thinking?"

I looked up to see that weather front that was hanging off to the east helping to cause all this turbulent commotion in the atmosphere. At least it was keepin' the direct sun off of us, for the moment.

"Well, we're gonna have to secure that glider, first of all, as I'd imagine she's still attached to it. We can use the bolts to secure us once we're down there then have you guys lower a Stokes down. We'll attach her to a line so we can hoist her up and put her in and then we can bring up the Stokes. But it's gonna be pretty tricky in this wind."

"Well, we're gonna need more manpower. We can't back up the Engine, here."

Cap was about to get on the HT then nodded his head at me. "You, uh, you alright with those burns, there, Roy?"

"Oh, I can see fine, Cap."

"Alright," Cap patted me on the shoulder and started in on a call to dispatch and his orders to the rest of the guys.

I was a little worried about the condition of the pilot, but no sense worrying now as we'd find out soon enough.

Johnny had gotten to his feet and was looking down toward the wreck. "Hey, Roy?"

"Yeah?"

He was pointing out a path in line with the way the glider was positioned against the cliff, its right wing tip pointing about 80 degrees vertical toward the top.

"You see where the right wing tip oughta be? Down that line and along the backside of the glider, I think, is about where the bolts for this ascent are located."

"You've climbed this route before?"

"Nuh-uh. No way. I've heard about this ascent through the grapevine. There's a reason they call it 'Holy Crap'. I ain't _that_ dumb. But the problem is, I don't see any place to tie the glider off on the side of the leading edge. If the bolts are along the back that only gives us one side to secure it. Which means it ain't gonna be all that secure. An' I think only one of us oughta be doin' it."

"Well, it's not like we have a choice. If she's been unconscious for the last hour, that doesn't bode well. We're gonna need to get to her, fast. We'll have to take the chance."

"Alright. You want to tie it off or you want me to do it?" Johnny asked as we started to put our belts on that Chet had brought us.

"No, uh, why don't you go ahead and tie-it off. The minute you've got it wrangled, I'll go in and check the victim. It looks like there's a pocket I can slip through between that bent section of the wing by the leading edge and the cliff face."

He sidled up right next to me. "Yeah, I see it."

"I don't think the glider will hold for much longer. It's possible her weight is helping to hold it down, but that may be less of a factor as the winds pick up. We just better be sure we both don't get knocked out by that thing or there'll be no one to rescue her."

I checked the buckle on the belt.

"Roy, you need me—?" Johnny started.

My head snapped up as that same feeling I'd felt back at the station flashed right through me, again, but a lot stronger, this time, and it almost knocked me over. I closed my eyes for a second to settle myself.

"Hey, are you ok?"

I opened my eyes to see Johnny's expression, full of worry and…something else, just staring at me, his hand on my arm.

"You want to sit this one out? Wait for another squad?"

I thought about it for a second, waiting for his words to register while I tried to ignore the warm reaction pulsing through me from the look he was giving me.

"No. No, I'm fine. Just got a chill from the wind, that's all."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Alright."

I looked back down the cliff to distract myself.

"You need me to make a pack for you?"

"Uh, sure."

And all of that was the beginning of the notorious Mistake Number 4. And a beauty of a blunder if there ever was one. I should've taken the hint from Johnny and sat this one out. Sometimes, hindsight is just a little too clear for my personal comfort.

We discussed the best route down as we finished gearing up. The Engine crew had pulled the lines through the rig and were getting the Stokes ready. Johnny was suited up and had put the pack together for me.

"You got your HTs?" Cap asked us both.

"Yeah. Hey Johnny, let me have a C-collar."

"Already in there," he said, handing me the pack.

We ran the lines around our belts and put our gloves on. I hoisted the pack and we put the coils around our necks and shoulders. I looked back down at the glider – it seemed to be getting more battered as the winds picked up.

Johnny handed me a belt with a line from the rig. "Here's the line for the victim. You ready?" He was holding onto me with an intense look that tried to mask his worry. Tried. But didn't.

I attached the line and did a double-check of everything. "Yeah. You ready?"

"It's now or never."

I looked over at the Engine crew as they dug in, waiting for our signal. "Alright, let's do it!"

I saw Plunket just shake his head. "Guys're crazy." 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Johnny:<strong>

We grabbed our lines, got into position and off the edge of the world we went.

Standing up top, the wind is harsh, but it isn't that bad. But right up against the cliff, it was comin' at me like a tornado and I was gettin' wind-whipped, already, having a hard time keepin' steady. I figured it was kickin' Roy around, too. Every movement off the cliff face felt like I was either fightin' a brick wall and was gonna get crushed back against the cliff or I was launchin' myself to fly, the wind would just grab me and I'd hang in the air. In another time and place I might've thought it was fun, but all I could think of right then was gettin' down to that glider so we could get this over with.

You remember that feeling I mentioned? That helpless one I felt when Roy fell through the space between the roof and the power line and all I could do was watch while he got electrocuted? It came back at me, again. It took every inch of my willpower to stuff it somewhere and concentrate on making sure we got down okay.

Mike and Marco needled me, one day, about how much of an adventure junkie I was, always gettin' in there, being the one to do the stunts while I left Roy on the ground. It's not that I'm necessarily into all that macho stuff. It's a high, I _will_ admit. Especially when you've saved someone who's in serious trouble. But a big part of the truth is, I like to do the crazy stuff because it's harder for me to watch it when Roy does it. Because I can't control it, I can't control the circumstances. I can control _me_, when _I__'__m_ doing it. But I can't control things when _he__'__s_ doing it.

It's not that I don't trust him, I mean far from it! I trust him with my _life_ and I _don__'__t_ mean that casually. But it's not him I have the problem with. It's everything else around him. _That__'__s_ what I don't trust.

And that's why that feeling was comin' back at me, again. With the sun startin' to lay off those clouds to the east, the winds were pickin' up and we were headin' straight into the maelstrom. And him with those fresh burns on his face and his dislike of heights…

I felt worry settle into my gut and I had to bite down awfully damn hard against my instincts to signal to the Engine crew to lower us down further. Cause I wasn't likin' this. Not one damn bit.

**Roy:**

We were gettin' down pretty close, now. I could see the scratches along the rocks that the glider made as it must've tumbled down to its present position. The updrafts were gusting every so often and I had to plaster myself against the rocks if I didn't want to go airborne.

I could hear a set of sirens far off down on the road below as I reached the glider.

"Hello?" I had to yell over the wind and the metallic, ringing sound of the glider being pummeled against the cliff face. "My name is Roy. I'm with the Fire Department. I'm comin' to get you, so don't move, alright?"

If there was any response, I didn't hear it. Then again, my own voice was getting blown right back in my face, so I doubt she could hear me if she was even conscious, at all.

I got down to the glider and waved to Cap up top to halt.

The glider was an unsalvageable mess. The right side of the frame was bent in several places and beating against the rock. The left side of the frame was also bent and mangled and looked like the far edge had managed to wedge itself a bit between a crack in some rocks that jutted out from the cliff. Both wings were ripped in spots, the material flapping wildly, adding to the ruckus of all that bashing and scraping and the twisting of the frame against itself. That and with the wind howling in my ears I could barely hear myself think.

The edge of the right wing frame was hammering the rocks in a constant rhythm as it fought with the wind, right about where the bolt was. _Dammit_.

I grabbed my HT. "Engine 51, HT 51. Cap, can you read me?"

"_Loud and clear, Roy. Go ahead."_

"Cap, this glider is hittin' the cliff about where the bolt is and I don't see any others that are within reach, so there's no way for me to get off this line, unless Johnny can manage to tie-off the glider."

"_16's just arrived so we should have enough manpower to hold you and Gage and the lines for the glider and the Stokes."_

"I think we're gonna need six lines for the Stokes, Cap. This wind is just too strong."

"_Did__ you __say __six__ lines?__" _I could hear the wheels turning in his head as he calculated logistics with manpower.

"10-4, Cap."

"_Alright. John, do you read me?"_

"_Loud and clear, Cap."_

"_Start gettin' that glider secured. I'll have to call in another company. Stand by."_

"10-4, Engine 51."

"_10-4, Cap. If you'll lower me down further, I can get to the glider a little better."_

"_10-4, John."_

**Johnny:**

The glider was bashing itself pretty hard against the rocks. Figured this'd be like bareback riding, only I'd get to use both hands. But I was gonna have to time it awfully damn well if I didn't want to get my teeth knocked out.

I walked along the cliff face to get on the back side of the glider. As the Engine crew lowered me down to the left wing I noticed that the leading edge was wedged in a bit and the deflexor and parts of the sail and the rigging were snagged on an outcropping of the rock. Barely.

**Roy:**

"_Hey, __Roy,__"_ Johnny's voice came over the HT.

"Go ahead, Johnny."

"_I'm below the glider. Can you see the victim?"_

"A little. She's not moving."

"_OK. I think I can secure this thing, but it may be awhile. I'm not sure if it's all that safe for you to go pokin' around in there, just yet."_

"My thoughts, exactly. You need me over there?"

"_No, I don't want you to come over here. This thing is too unpredictable. No sense both of us gettin' knocked around."_

"10-4. Just let me know if you need anything. Otherwise, I'm just gonna hang around."

"_Oh ha ha, very funny. If I'd known you were such a comedian I'd've brought another line for you."_

"Very punny, partner."

"_Oh, you're just full of it, today, ain'tcha? If you're gonna be hangin' around hoistin' bad jokes on me, pardner-o-mine—"_

"_Would you two just get on with it? Ai yai…"_

"_Aye, aye, Cap."_

"_Oh __boy__… __John,__ I__'__d __like __you __to __keep __in __mind__ that __we __have __the __end __of __the__ ropes __and __large __cutting __tools __like __K-12__'__s __on __our __end.__" _Twit. He says it even when he doesn't say it, sometimes.

"_Yes, sir. Securing the glider, Cap."_

I could just hear that mischievous laugh of Johnny's at Cap's apparent scolding, although it would never be obvious to anyone else that Cap knew we were on edge, otherwise he'd-a said something sooner and not bothered joining in. It's not often Johnny and I banter like that during a rescue, but we have been known to do it on the rare occasion. In situations much like this, actually. And this particular situation was getting to all of us.

"_Engine 51, HT 51, Roy?"_

"Go ahead, Cap."

"_There are no other companies available for another 30-40 minutes. Sorry, pal, but you're gonna have to secure yourself to the bolt if we're gonna need six lines on the Stokes."_

"10-4." _Dammit._ Not the best scenario, but I didn't have a choice.

"Hey, Johnny."

"_Yeah?"_

"Did you catch that?"

"_Yeah. I think I can hold it long enough for you to get to the bolt. I'm gonna tug on it twice to let you know I got it, cause I'm gonna need both hands, okay?"_

"10-4."

After a few minutes, I saw the telltale tugs. I walked along the cliff face and secured myself to the bolt and tugged on it, hard.

I moved away a little then got on the HT. Before I could say anything, I heard a scraping noise and saw the glider shift. I scrambled away and heard a yell, but not before I got reamed on the helmet with the leading edge of the glider and saw a tunnel of dark form in my vision…

**Johnny:**

I saw it bash him on the head…and I freaked.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

* * *

><p><strong>Roy:<strong>

I had to fight to stay conscious. I shook my head to keep myself awake.

If it'd hit me any harder I think I might've passed out.

Johnny's voice came over the HT, _"Roy, are you alright!"_

"Yeah."

"_Sorry, partner. I think my pulling on it shifted the balance and it slipped. I tried to keep hold of it, but I couldn't hang on to it or it woulda thrown me. You sure you're OK?"_

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm alright. Are you alright?"

"_Yeah, I'm fine. Let me tie-it off before you go in after her."_

"10-4. Hey, Cap?"

"_Go ahead, Roy."_

"I'm off my line and secured to the bolt."

"_10-4."_

I felt my line from topside slacken a little then got into position to await Johnny's signal. I shook my head again. I was still fighting to keep from blacking out.

After another few minutes, I heard from Johnny on the HT, _"OK, Roy. It's secure."_

"10-4. I'm heading in."

I called down to the pilot again, but got no response. I lowered myself down through the pocket between the bent leading edge of the glider and the cliff face to get at her. Even secured, the glider was fighting the ropes like a wild, caged animal. The pilot was unconscious and still wrapped in the harness and tangled in the rigging. Her helmet was cracked and I could see some blood around her head and face.

"It's just not your day today, is it? Doesn't really seem to be mine, either, so we'll just get through it together, okay?"

At least, underneath the wings, I had the wind off of me for a bit.

"Engine 51, HT 51. Lower down the Stokes."

"_10-4. Stokes comin' at ya. Rampart is on standby."_

"10-4." I assessed the pilot's condition as much as I could, although I couldn't check for pupil response with her prone. I attached the C-collar, the belt and line on her and grabbed the HT.

"Cap, you ready for the vitals?" I relayed all the vitals, which weren't all that promising, and peeked out of the pocket. Johnny had come up and around by now and was keeping an eye on the Stokes being lowered. It threatened to twist in the wind on its way down, but with three lines attached to both ends, they managed to keep it against the cliff face and pretty stable. Hopefully, her weight will help stabilize it even more on the way up.

There was a bit of a ledge that we could use to settle the Stokes. I cut her loose from the harness and the rigging and with the help of both Engine crews, we were able to get her out from under the glider and into the Stokes and secured, along with my pack for added weight. But fighting the wind and keeping one eye on her and one on the glider was wearing me out.

"Engine 51, HT 51. Okay, take her up."

I pulled myself out of the pocket and watched the Stokes inch up the rock face, holding my breath that it wouldn't twist. But the pilot's weight seemed to stabilize it. Johnny was hauled up right behind her. I relayed some adjustment instructions up top and they were able to pull her up without too much trouble.

Johnny kept watch on her ascent and I allowed myself a few moments to relax. Fighting this wind on top of the rescue itself was making my shoulders, my neck, my back and my thighs ache.

"_HT 51, Engine 51. Roy?"_

"HT 51. Go ahead, Cap."

"_Johnny and the victim are topside. We should be ready to bring you up in a few minutes."_

"Might wanna make that on the double, Cap. This glider's about to go any minute."

"_10-4, Roy."_

There was a break in the hurricane-force winds that had been berating the cliff. I took that break to reattach my line from topside.

A fierce gust of wind came up, just then, worse than the one before.

And then I heard it.

A horrific shredding sounded as the fabric of the left wing was almost completely ripped off, still attached near the Kings post with threads of it still attached to the frame. It ballooned out like a sail in the updrafts with a terrifying _whoomph!_, the shredded strands at its base flapping madly. The glider bucked ferociously, straining against the lines.

And then came a sound I'll never forget - a screeching metallic, grinding noise. The pterodactyl was launching itself into the sky…

In the span of half a breath, I saw the entire wreck shift.

"Cap—!"

The left side of the frame ripped itself from the rocks and came straight at me. I jerked away instinctively to get away from it, felt my helmet fly off. But it happened too fast and I had nowhere to go.

The full force of it careened right into me.

And that's the last thing I remember.

**Johnny:**

"_ROY!"_

I'd just gotten the IV instructions for the pilot from Rampart when I heard Cap yell like his life was at stake. I snapped my head up to see him with his hands cupped around his mouth yelling down the cliff face.

He spun toward the Engine crew, his arm gesturing, "Pull him up! Pull him up!" I'd never seen a crew move so fast to haul line.

I was already on my feet.

"Gage!" Cap's hand was gesturing frantically for me to hurry up. Cap got on the HT, "Roy! Roy, can you hear me? Roy!"

I could see the fear on his face as I rushed over to him and peered down at my partner, who was hangin' listlessly, twisting in the wind, with the glider dancing uncontrollably around him like it was drunk.

My heart was in my throat. "What happened!"

"The left wing of the glider broke free from the rock and smashed right into him."

I stopped breathing, right then… _Son of a bitch!_

But then, something was wrong. We could see his body archin' kinda weird.

"Cap!" Marco came running over. "Something's pulling him back. I think he's stuck."

Cap whipped his head at me, "Is he still attached to the bolt?"

"Ah, shit, yeah, he might be!"

"Alright, stop pulling!"

The logistics of this whole operation zipped through my head. "Cap, I can go down there and get him, but I can't do that and help her at the same time."

"Alright, pal, I'll take care of it." Cap got onto the HT, "LA, Engine 51, request second paramedic rescue unit and second ambulance at this location. What is the ETA on the rescue unit?"

"_Engine 51, LA. ETA on second unit approximately 10 minutes." _

"10-4, LA. John, is she stable?"

"Well, she needs an IV."

"If you can get a line in, we'll take care of the rest."

"Marco! Get me two lines for the glider." I scrambled back to the patient and got the IV started on her, handing the bag to Chet.

I double-checked my belt as Marco ran up with the lines. God, my fingers felt like a charged 2 and a half; I couldn't get my belt back on fast enough…

"Chet! Tell Rampart we've got a Code I comin' in," Cap ordered.

"Cap, I'm gonna secure that glider with a coupla lines, keep it from flying into us."

"You sure you can get close enough to that thing to tie a line to it?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Cap patted my shoulder again and was back on the HT. "Roy, can you hear me? Roy!" Cap had an intense look on his face as he watched me get everything secured, "You ready?"

"Yeah. Listen, I'm gonna have to secure him to my line. In this wind, there's no way to keep him stabilized if we're on two separate lines, even if he regains consciousness."

"Yeah, OK. Just give us the signal." A hand on my shoulder, "Bring him home, John."

"All in the plan, Cap." I got into position at the edge of the cliff.

"Alright, let's do it!" Cap yelled to the Engine crews.

And I went over the edge.

A metallic creaking, battering, and ringing noise got louder as I got closer to it, along with the crazy flapping of that left wing.

With the left frame free from its holdings on the rocks, the wind was thrashing the glider even harder against the cliff. And it was falling apart. The glider isn't designed for the kind of stress the wind was giving it in the condition it was in. And with the pilot's weight off the control bar, it wasn't gonna be long till the wind tore the whole thing loose. And the only things holding it were the lines I tied to it, earlier.

_Shit! _

And as I got a better look at the way the wreck was sittin' tangled in its own lines, I realized what'd happened. The ripped fabric had acted like a sail and the wind just took it and picked up the whole glider like a toy sailboat, rippin' the deflexor in the process and freeing the left wing from the rocks. The whole mess then shifted in the direction of the lines, makin' 'em slack, twisted it 90 degrees and brought up that crumpled left wing and smashed it right into my partner.

I had to tighten the lines I'd had on it first 'fore I could secure the new ones. Man, I had a _helluva_ time tryin' to get to the first one 'cause the damn wreck was tryin' to take me out the same way it did Roy. Not only did I have the frame to worry about, but the shredded fabric of the wings was comin' at me like a lion tamer with a whip. I tried to time it gettin' to that first line, but a gust came up, whipped those shreds around and I got a lashing, right up my left side. Stung me like a jellyfish with an attitude. Damn, but that was gonna smart like hell for a good week. Took a helluva few tries, but I finally grabbed onto that first line without that bronco takin' me out and re-secured it tight, nearly pullin' a few muscles to do it. With that first one tied-off, I could finally get to the second one and then secured the two new ones.

I've done ranch work that hadn't tired me out this much.

The glider was still fightin' mad like a caged animal, but at least it wasn't goin' anywhere and wa'n't gonna bash Roy against the rocks. At least for now. I was already exhausted from fightin' that beast and I still had to get to my partner.

I toggled the HT, "Cap! The glider's secure. Haul me up a little, so I can get over to Roy."

As I came up over the glider I could see him. And I really didn't like the fact that he still hadn't moved. 


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Grateful thanx to my beta readers!  
><strong>

**A Kind of Fire**

**Chapter 7**

* * *

><p><strong>Roy:<strong>

I kept…bumping into something. Or something was bumping into me. Something hard. It hurt. _I_ hurt. All over. I didn't know why… I couldn't open my eyes to see what it was, where I was. Too hard. I just couldn't do it.

But I could damn well hear it. And feel it. A wind tunnel. I'd woken up...in some kind of wind tunnel… Tried to remember….

_Where am I?_

Something bumped my face. I flinched away from it, then reached out but there was nothing there. Just air. Air and cold, brutal wind.

There it was again… Right in my face. I reached up…. Rope. _Rope?_ I followed it down, felt the belt on me. I hadn't even noticed the belt till now.

_What happened? Where am I?_

I couldn't…open my eyes…I wanted to. I tried…I couldn't. I couldn't do it. It was just too hard.

Couldn't…..breathe… all this wind and…I couldn't breathe. It was stealing my air. Ripping it from my lungs. I couldn't breathe. It hurt to breathe. My head hurt.

Everything hurt.

_Where am I? What am I doing here? What's all this wind? _

Rope. Belt. Rope. Johnny. Johnny must be here.

Spinning… I realized I was spinning and I couldn't stop._ Dizzy.__ It__'__s __making__ me __dizzy__…__ nauseated.__ Somebody,__ make __it __stop_.

"Johnny?"

_It hurts to yell…_

_Johnny, you there? Why isn't he answering?  
><em>

_Where am I…?_

Something bumped into me, again. I put my hands out. Something solid, felt for it, felt it. Rock. _Rock?_ I held onto it. I stopped spinning._ Thank__ God. __But__…__?_

_What's that god-awful noise? That flapping…banging noise?_

The wind. That noise. So loud. It's making my head hurt.

_God, I'm cold._

I wrenched my eyes open…My right eye hurt. I blinked against the light_._…colors. Blue…..beige, red. I can't…focus. I can't focus. On anything. Trying…it's not working. _Why__ can__'__t __I __see? __Where__ am __I? __What__'__s __happening?_

"Johnny!"

_God, that hurts…_

_He's not answering. _

_Johnny, where are you? _

_Somebody, anybody, answer me…_

…_.please…_

**Johnny:**

As I started along the cliff face away from the glider, I could see Roy was finally startin' to move and I breathed out a sigh of relief. Considering we'd just saved a hang gliding pilot who'd been unconscious for the better part of an hour, I wasn't lookin' forward to another unconscious cliff rescue.

But I could see his hands slowly creepin' along the rock like he was feelin' for something, his legs lookin' for solid ground. And he was callin' out, but I couldn't hear what he was sayin'.

'_Dunning left Roy in a fire...'_

_Shit!_

I had to get to 'im.

"Roy!"

I called out to him, knowing it was pretty damned useless in this wind.

I saw his head snap up in my direction, like he wasn't sure he'd heard somethin'. But he didn't look directly at me.

"Johnny?" His voice was awfully faint. In fact, he sounded a little hesitant.

"Roy!"

He moved again. But I could tell he wasn't seein' me.

"Johnny!" He sounded desperate and he was wincing every time he yelled.

He seemed to be looking around, too… Somethin' was wrong and I had a feeling it was the worst thing that _could_ go wrong. Helluva welcome back from my vacation. I wouldn't ordinarily mind jumpin' back in to the groove. But not when it involves my partner. And _especially_ not after that damned cockamamie Dunning story Marco 'n' Chet laid on me this mornin' that still had my blood curdling so hard I couldn't see straight.

I tried to walk the cliff face toward him but it was near impossible as I kept gettin' plastered against the rocks.

"Johnny? Johnny!"

I could barely hear him over the freight train of wind and the commotion from the glider.

"Roy! Just hang tight!"

_Well__ that __was __a__ stupid __thing __to __say_. I was almost to him but, damn it, walkin' along in this wind was like tryin' to walk through a brick wall. I got to him as fast as I could, "I'm here, Roy."

His head reared back like I'd spooked him, "Johnny? Johnny, you here?"

He sounded scared and my gut flipped as he reached a hand toward me like he wasn't quite sure where I was. _God__…__dammit!_ My heart sank cause what I'd feared happened had, in fact, happened, and I knew this was one of those things that freaked him out the most.

I grabbed his hand and peered closely at him, watching his eyes darting around underneath that frown of his, trying to pinpoint exactly where I was. I've only seen that look maybe once or twice, when he was in real danger. He was tryin' his damndest to keep his fear under control. "Roy, I'm right here."

My skin went white as his fingers dug into me. "Johnny, I…I can't see."

I swallowed. Hard. "Okay, I know. I gotcha. It's gonna be okay. Here, just hold onto me, alright?" I tried to pry his fingers from my hand, but he wouldn't let go. "Roy, you're gonna have to le'go my hand, first, okay?" It took some moments, but Roy finally relaxed enough that I could put his hand on my shoulder while he had one on the rocks. "You got me?"

**Roy:**

I was so relieved all I could do was nod. And I was surprised at how relieved I was just to hear his voice.

There's only one other time in my life I'd felt relief like that and that was when Joanne finally gave birth to Jennifer after having been on bedrest. My wife was ok, my baby girl was healthy and my mother-in-law was leaving. But this, right here, right now, was gettin' pretty close to that.

**Johnny:**

"Okay, now, are you completely blind or just blurred vision?"

"Blurred."

"Okay."

"Johnny, where are we?"

_Oh,__man__…_ I fought to keep the worry out of my voice, "We're hangin' off a cliff, Roy. You remember?"

**Roy:**

_A__cliff?_ Well, that would certainly explain a lot of things.

Not the least of which was that I was obviously dangling from somewhere, gettin' wind-whipped and feeling disoriented, dizzy and none too good. My muscles were aching, I had no idea why, and, worst of all, I couldn't see. _Fantastic._I figured a head injury_._ But…from what? _And__ how__'__d __we __end__ up__ on __a__ cliff?_

I tried to remember...vaguely…I think…with the wind howling and all that noise going on and everything else, I figured it really wasn't a dream… "Was there…a hang gliding accident?"

"Good. Real good, Roy. I'm gonna look you over a little, okay? What else do you remember?"

I felt Johnny gently grab my head and pierce my eyes with his pen light. Damn, that hurt. And it shoved the nausea up from my stomach and I almost lost it, I could taste bile. I had to fight awful hard to keep it down. Then he lolled my head around a little, I suspect, to scrutinize whatever injuries I must've sustained from…_what?__ What __happened?_ It made my nausea even worse and I had to grab his hands and make him stop.

"You gettin' nauseated?"

I could only nod a little. Any more movement, and I was worried that whatever I dropped down was gonna come right back up at us in this hurricane.

"OK." He caressed the side of my head. I wished I could see his face.

"What else do you remember?"

I closed my eyes and searched my memory, again.

Other…images… "Did I…did I get the pilot?"

**Johnny:**

"Yes, you did. She's topside and she's gonna be okay. But the glider slammed into you and you've been out cold for the last few minutes. Can you tell me your full name?"

"Roy Patrick DeSoto. It's Sunday."

"Good, you're doin' real good. Alright, look, I tied-off the glider again so it's not gonna bash us into talcum powder. I'm gonna look you over s'more then I'm gonna attach you to my line and then they'll bring us home. OK?"

He nodded.

"Now, are you feeling dizzy, at all? Headache, anything like that?"

I looked over his arms and the rest of his face, checking for other injuries.

"Yeah. Dizzy. A little. Nauseous. Headache. Having a little trouble…breathing, too."

"OK. There're some minor lacerations on your arms and face and one right above your hairline. There's another at the back of your head, too, and those burn bandages need to be redone. Where else're you hurt?"

"Feels like everywhere… Johnny, what happened?"

_Aw__ shit__,__ Roy,__ don__'__t__ do__ this __to__ me!_ "You just got a bump on the head, that's all. You remember where we are?"

**Roy:**

I can't think of any scenario where that question's considered a good indication of anything and it had me a little worried. "Uh…no."

**Johnny:**

I squeezed my eyes shut to take a good 10 seconds to calm myself down. Cause all I wanted was to get him off that cliff and there was no way in hell it was happenin' fast enough for me. Figured my partner'd gone over his quota for the week as far as all this life-in-danger nonsense. It _damn_ sure as hell was enough for me. And I wasn't even _there_ for the first one!

God help him, 'cause I _will_ string Dunning up by his toenails, if I ever lay my hands on him.

"Well, Roy, we're hangin' off a cliff. Aside from your head, you hurt anywhere else?"

"Ribs…"

"Fractured?"

"Not sure. Maybe."

"Which side?"

"Both."

"Alright, I'm gonna check you over, real quick, okay, so hold on tight to me."

I ripped off my gloves and held them in my teeth.

I looked at him – his eyes were closed, scrunched up with the pain he musta been in, those burns and lacerations on his face, the wind whippin' his hair around and howlin' in our ears and his breathing, all ragged like he was havin' a hard time controllin' it.

And that feeling came over me, again.

'_You're damn right I'm mad at you!'_

I gently laid my hands on his shoulders to steady myself in the wind. Then slowly I slid my hands down his chest. His body felt cold, even through his uniform, as I palpated for fractures.

And he kinda flinched a little. Figured I'd hit a sore spot. But he didn't move away from me.

**Roy:**

I felt his hands on my shoulders slide down my chest and I flinched a bit when this… _feeling_… cascaded all the way down inside of me and warmed me down to my toes. It didn't seem like much…but it grabbed a hold of me somethin' fierce and didn't let go.

It was real gentle…but the more Johnny touched me the more that feeling coursed through me. It came at me in waves, gathering in strength and before I knew it I was caught in the rip current.

And as soft and gentle as it was, it was squeezing all the air out of my lungs and ringing my body like a bell that wouldn't stop chiming.

_Johnny…_

I was having an even harder time trying to breathe. Whatever was happening was overwhelming. Felt like my system was about to shut down from sheer overload.

_What_ is_ happening?_

I grabbed at his hands to make him stop 'cause I couldn't take it.

**Johnny:**

_Dammit..._ I musta hit one helluva sore spot.

I yanked my gloves outta my mouth and stuffed 'em into my shirt then grabbed him again, "Roy? Roy, what is it? You in pain? Is that it?"

He'd twisted toward the cliff, breathin' hard like he'd just gone for a full court press.

"Roy are you a'right?

I kept tryin' to gently turn him back but he was fightin' me.

**Roy:**

"Johnny…" I couldn't catch my breath, "…don't…"

I'd never have believed you could die from "oversensation", but I'm tellin' ya, I felt about near on the edge of death, just then, from exactly that. If he touched me again, I was afraid I was gonna go into shock.

"Roy, now I know it _hurts_, but you _gotta_ let me finish!"

I couldn't answer him. But I realized that whatever Johnny's assumption was of why I'd reacted was nowhere near the reality of why I really had.

He grabbed at me again and I flinched away from him.

"Roy, now just take it easy. I'm not gonna hurt you, okay? I'm gonna be real gentle."

_Ah, hell, no, Johnny. No, don't…please...just…don't…_

He touched me again and every rational thought I had flew out of my head, just then.

**Johnny:**

I put my hands on him again and he started guardin' on me.

"Okay, I'm just gonna go real slow, okay?"

His eyes clenched up real tight an' his fingers were diggin' into me like I was doin' surgery without any anesthetic.

**Roy:**

Everything he did in thinking he was doing me a favor, was, in fact, doing exactly the opposite. I'd've rather endured an anesthetic-free tonsillectomy at that moment than feel his hands sliding all over me.

_Jesus Christ…_

_What the hell was happening?_

Every…caress, every touch of his hands was sending sensations through me that I couldn't... It was like I'd taken a plunge into an ice bath I couldn't get enough air. I think I was about to go into respiratory arrest…

**Johnny:**

"Man, you really _are_ cold. Doesn't feel like you've got any cracked ribs, though."

I yanked my gloves back on and watched as he shivered like crazy.

"How's your head?"

"Worse."

_Shit._ I tried to keep myself calm, but his head injury was making me nervous. If he wasn't feelin' nauseated, I was. I had to get him up top.

"Cap?" I called into the HT. "Roy's got a concussion, blurred vision and he's having trouble breathing. He's also got some head lacerations. We'll need the O2 when we get topside, burn bandages, sterile sheets and sterile water."

"_10-4."_

'_I was running out of air and I lost the HT. I didn't have a whole lot of options.'_

_Damn it, Roy…_

I rolled my head to loosen the muscles Roy'd been squeezin' and grabbed his belt to hold him. I got onto the HT, "Cap, lower me down about an inch."

"_10-4."_

I came down a bit to be level with him.

"I'm ready to secure Roy to my line."

"_10-4,__John.__Hang__ on __a __minute."_ After a couple of moments, the HT crackled. _"OK,__ John,__ we__'__ve __got__ you__ both__ secured__ to __the__ Engine.__ Anytime__ you're __ready."_

"10-4, Cap. Securing him now."

As I tied Roy to me, I felt my line sag a little with the added weight on the one line. Then I loosened Roy's lines from topside and the bolt, tied them together and kept a hold of them so they wouldn't turn into a bullwhip.

I carefully grabbed his arm and slung it over my shoulder and then snuggled in real tight to him. With Roy up against me like that, I could control the effect of the wind upon us a little better. On the one hand, anyway.

On the other hand, a part of me…I had to be honest with myself…an incredibly selfish part of me, allowed myself to throw professionalism into all this wind and revel in how grateful I was to be able to hold him, finally. Keep him safe. I didn't move for a few moments, my hand gently keepin' his head against mine as the tornado howled like hell-fury around us.

_I meant what I said, Roy..._

I hate to admit it, but…considerin' the situation we were in, it was a little wrenching to have to get back on the HT. Like the world was intrudin' on us. "OK, Cap, anytime you're ready, get us out of here."

"_10-4, John. Here we go." _

As we inched upwards, it was all I could do to keep him close to me while I tried to keep us from twisting all crazy in the wind. Roy was holding onto me like he wa'n't ever planning on lettin' go and I could tell he was bracing against the wind's attempts to break us apart.

**Roy:**

I knew I was digging my fingers into him but I couldn't help it.

I was thankful to have something solid to hold onto. I hoped it would anchor me and ease this agitation I was feeling. But being up close to Johnny wasn't doing my body any favors. In fact…it was amplifying whatever it was that just kick started every nerve to come alive at once.

Holding onto him, feeling him against me, I was aware of him. How warm his body felt, his arm around me, mine around him. I could feel every point of contact our bodies made. Could feel his heartbeat, feel him breathing.

I'd never been aware of him, before.

Not like this.

I don't understand. _What __am __I__ doing?_ _Why __is__ this__ happening__…__?_

**Johnny:**

A sudden, strong series of updrafts caught us just as we dangled under an overhang and we twirled at the end of the line. Unable to control it, I found myself sandwiching Roy against the cliff face as we hit the top of that overhang. The Engine crews were still hauling us up at the same time and his back grated against the rough rock.

I grabbed the HT, "Wait wait, hold it hold it!" I clutched at a handhold in the rock to steady us. "_Dammit__…__!_ Roy—? _Shit_, are you okay?"

He was clutchin' me real tight, his fingers digging' into my back and I could feel his whole body was tensed up. He whimpered in my ear and I could tell it musta hurt like hell 'cause his breathing was shallow. "God…" his voice was strained.

"Shit, Roy, I got you. We're almost there, alright? Just hold on. I ain't lettin' go o' you, okay?" I meant it. In fact, I…didn't want to let go him. I hugged him tighter, could feel his heartbeat racing, and got back on the HT, "Cap? Bring us home."

**Roy:**

_God__…__!__ that __hurt __like __hell__… _I knew I'd never be able to grate cheese, ever again.

I didn't understand what was happening. Maybe it was the concussion. Or the pain. Or the lack of oxygen. Yeah, that had to be it. The lack of oxygen.

I knew it made no sense. Even if the concussion completely rewired my brain…

_What__ on __earth __am__ I__ going__ on __about? __Alright,_ _look,__ just __concentrate __on __the __cliff. _But something surged through me. _OK, __not __the __cliff. __Concentrate__ on__…__aw__ boy, _think, _would you? Concentrate__ on__…_

But I couldn't concentrate. All I was aware of was how much I hurt all over, how much it hurt to breathe.

And my partner.

_No. No. Just…just think. Just…think about…something…what? I don't care…anything…_

_Son__of__a__bitch_. It hadn't worked. As Johnny released me into the arms of our brothers topside, it seemed as if something warm was ebbing away from me and I felt icy cold.

_Ee-yup, definitely the concussion. I'm starting to hallucinate…really hallucinate…_

**Johnny:**

I clambered up top after handing Roy off to the guys.

"Rampart's on standby. They know it's Roy," Cap said.

"Thanks, Cap," I tore the belt off of me.

They'd gotten Roy's belt off and the O2 on him while I checked his pupils and his vitals. He seemed like he was still havin' trouble breathing. I got his shirt off and palpated, again, for any rib fractures, but didn't feel any. I grabbed the stethoscope and started listenin', hoping there wasn't a fractured rib that I'd missed puncturing a lung. He was guarding again and he kept flinching every time I touched him. I kept apologizing, 'cause he looked like he was struggling, like he was really in pain.

I got down to him. "Roy?"

He opened his eyes, trying to focus on me.

**Roy:**

I knew he thought I was in pain. I was. But I was at a loss as to how exactly to tell him that it wasn't the pain that was wreaking havoc on me but something else, entirely. Something a lot more… no, I wasn't gonna allow myself to go down that path. Couldn't.

I just…

_Ah hell, Johnny…_

**Johnny:**

"I gotta check your back, OK?"

He looked at me all wide-eyed, cause I think he knew how much it was gonna hurt.

"Sorry, partner. I'll make it quick, OK?"

He nodded and when we rolled him over his face scrunched up real tight. He let out a groan and he practically hissed every breath. The back of his shirt was shredded and I rolled it up. _Shit_. Those lacerations weren't as bad as I'd feared but they were bleeding and musta smarted something fierce. I imagined those abrasions weren't making it any easier to breathe, either. I had the guys bandage him up as fast as they could while I got on the horn to Rampart.

"Rampart, this is Squad 51."

"_Go __ahead,__51.__" _Early's voice.

"Rampart, we've finally gotten Roy topside. He was knocked unconscious for several minutes after sustaining a blow to the head by a hang glider. Stand by, Rampart." I covered the biophone receiver and turned to Cap. "Did you see whether he had his helmet on when he got beaned?"

Cap blew out a breath as he thought about it. "No, John, I think it got knocked off of him when he tried to get out of the way."

I got back on the horn. "Rampart, he was not, I repeat, he was not wearing his helmet when the glider hit him. He has since regained consciousness but he's complaining of dizziness, blurred vision, nausea and some memory loss. Pupils are reactive but slow and uneven. He also has lacerations on the frontal and occipital areas of his head. He's having trouble breathing but there are no immediate indications of rib fractures and bilateral breath sounds are clear. His vitals are: pulse is 130, respirations are 28, BP is 130 over 86. He's also sustained abrasions and lacerations on his back and the second degree burns on his face are exposed. He does appear to be in a lot of pain, Rampart."

_"10-4, 51. Start an IV with normal saline, redress the burns with sterile water and sterile bandages and transport immediately."_

"10-4, Rampart."

I got the IV started, redressed his burns and we got him in the ambulance.

I heard Cap tell Chet to bring the Squad.

It was only then I'd realized I'd entirely forgotten about the pilot.

"Where is she? How is she?" I asked Cap.

"Don't worry about it. 110 took care of her. She should be at Rampart, by now. Go take care of your partner." And the ambulance doors closed in on us.

We raced to Rampart and I kept an eye on him, making sure he was breathing okay. I noticed he was listening to what I was doing, seeing it in his mind. He had a…weird look on his face. Figured he was working on trying to remember. But I looked at him a few times. There was something in his eyes I couldn't make out. Something…

I rubbed my neck and shoulder where he'd clawed into me, rolling my head to ease the knot he'd put in there. "Ouch!"

He reached up and took the O2 mask off.

"Hey, hey, now don't be doin' that, Roy. You know better'n that." He hates to be Mother Hen'd as much as I do. I figured if I put on my best tender Mother Hen routine, he'd listen so he'd stop gettin' fussed over and I could stop fussin' over him and do my job. I gently put the mask back on him. There it was again, that _weird_ look on his face.

He laid his fingers over mine on the mask and took it off again. "Sorry," he whispered.

"What for?"

He slowly reached up and caressed the back of my neck, fingers lingering on my shoulder where he'd grabbed me.

"S'okay."

I leaned over him as I put the mask back on him. We just looked at each other.

And then it hit me. Without warning. A hundred-pound weight sank in my chest threatening to take me down with it and I felt tears hit my eyes. I turned away from him cause I had to fight tooth and nail to keep it from gettin' a hold of me.

…'_All I know is...'_

I felt his fingers touch me lightly on the back of my arm and I turned back to 'im.

"What's wrong?"

I forced a smile, probably for just as much my benefit as it was for his. "Nothin', partner. Now you just rest and let me do all the worryin'. Not that there's anything to worry about…"

He was lookin' sick, a little pale and his breathing was more rapid. He was clearly in a lot pain.

I leaned over him. "Head or ribs?"

He just nodded.

"Both?"

He nodded again, his face sweating from the pain he was in.

"Hey, we're almost there. Just hang on for me, alright? You're gonna be okay."

I grabbed his hand and felt something rush through me.

But I couldn't fathom for the life of me what it was…


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** Apologies for the long wait. Real life reared its ugly head and went cuckoo on me, and then, of course, vacation and the holidays and then Cap came by and gave me some spiel about 'Captain's prerogative' and took over just like that, leaving poor Roy and Johnny out in the doldrums where I guess they decided to go fishing because they sure took their sweet time comin' back. But they're back now (finally), so…

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

**Roy:**

I really hate head injuries. Not just for the obvious head scrambling that can potentially take place but more for the subtle, little-realized consequence that nothing can be administered for the pain. There's something ironic about the fact that they want to see how lucid and alert you can be while you're head is being ripped open by a hot iron being deliberately inserted through each eye.

Someone really oughta invent something that can keep you alert but dull the splitting headache.

I'd better not suggest that to Johnny or he'll run off half-cocked with the idea and discover the secret only to find he's re-invented aspirin.

His hand was off me, then and I felt us make a hard turn.

…'_You need me?'…_

I reached up and tried to adjust the oxygen mask 'cause it was pressing hard against my nasal bone. I felt movement near my face and creaked my eyes open, a little.

Johnny's blurred face was lookin' at me. At least, that's what I assumed he was doing. He caressed my face, "We're here, just hold on."

I felt the ambulance turn and pull forward then back up. Johnny moved away from me and turned to look out the back window, but his fingers lingered at my ear, brushed down my neck and rested on my chest, sending a warmth through me that tingled every nerve I had.

_Oh, boy… _

"Alright, be careful, be careful."

I heard his voice as I felt myself being lifted out of the ambulance, set down with a bit of a jolt and then it was off to the races.

I've lost count of how many patients I've rushed in to Rampart on these gurneys, over the years. And it's no secret that I've had my own share of _being_ a patient. But I've never quite gotten used to the feeling of moving on one of these things while lying on my back. Not seeing where I'm going. Not having any control.

I should ask Johnny if he finds it as disorienting as I do.

_Johnny..._

I think of him now and…something happens to me.

_No. I don't want to think about that. _

_I _don't_ want to think about it. _

_But every nerve is singing. I can't _not_ think about it._

That _feeling_… on the cliff…god, that…

…feeling…

_No. I…can't… I don't…_

_No. No! No, I can't. I can't…say it. I can't think it._

I…don't…want it—

_Alright. Stop it. Get a hold of yourself. Take deep breaths….. _

_OK, too painful. Forget the breathing. _

Just…

'…_I ain't lettin' go o' you…'_

I could still feel him up against me.

His strength...

His heartbeat…

_No! No, DeSoto, don't… Look, it's the concussion, you numbskull. It's a physiological, neurological response. Your brain's been scrambled. That's all it is. _

It's fixable.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Everything's gonna…

…be fine.

Just…fine…

It felt like his fingers were still lingering on my ear…

_Alright, DeSoto, stop it_… Everything's gonna…

…be…

I opened my eyes. The light stabbed into them and I winced at the lancing pain. Things were still a little blurry, but I guess my vision was improving 'cause things seemed to be less blurry than before. Past the oxygen mask, Dr. Early was standing over me talking to Nurse Carol.

I looked past him and saw Johnny at the foot of the exam table. At least, I assumed it was Johnny; it was definitely someone with dark hair in a fireman's blue uniform shirt, that much I could gauge. He came around and sidled up against me.

"Roy…?"

"Thanks for comin' back for me, partner."

"Thanks for—? Well I couldn't just leave you there, now, could I?"

I heard some commotion at the door, and then Dr. Early's voice. "Johnny, the X-Ray tech is here. Let's give him some room, okay?"

"Sure thing, doc. Roy, I'll be right outside, okay?"

"Can you call Joanne for me?" My voice sounded like I hadn't uttered a word in a year. Felt like it, too.

"Yeah, she's on her way. I'll be right outside."

His warm hand brushed my fingers as he left, stroking my nerves again. I squinted past that mammoth X-ray machine squeezing into the room; Johnny was standing inside, holding the door open. He moved to leave and looked at me. And he stayed there, even as the door swung closed.

**Johnny:**

God, I hate waiting rooms. They should be labeled something more active, like, Hang Out Rooms. Or better, yet, they should just have a gym or something. Even Reading Rooms would be better. Something that can make you feel like you're _doing_ something and not actually _waiting_.

I wonder who's in charge of naming these things? I should send them a letter. Oh, wait. I _forgot_. It's a _Waiting_ Room. I guess it would be outta the realm of hospital room naming regulations to put a typewriter or some writing implements in here that could be used to write up a letter to suggest puttin' things in here so as to call this place something else while we all sit in here doing _nothin'_ in the _Waiting_ Room.

I'm gonna drive myself _nuts_.

"_I've already called Joanne,"_ Dix had said when we brought Roy in. I was glad she'd had 'cause that is the one phone call that I need all my strength to make at a time when I have the least amount of energy to do it.

And right now, I'm about fresh out.

I was just glad this one didn't turn out too bad. 'Cause for a moment there, I was afraid I might've…

_Fuck._

Twice. Can you believe it?

Twice in one week.

Twice in a fucking week I almost -

_No! No_. _You didn't. You didn't_.

OK? You didn't.

'_Thanks for comin' back for me.' _

_Thanks for comin' back for me? What the hell did you think, Roy? I was just gonna leave you dangling off the cliff like that? _

I told you, Roy. I told you, didn't I?

I meant what I said.

I meant what I said…

**Roy:**

I believe it's an institutional mandate, based upon some kind of inverse square law, involving human physiology, clothing design and molecular activity, that says, 'The thinner the hospital gown, the lower the temperature the hospital room must be.' I would imagine women came up with that rule, because I just don't see any male agreeing to that kind of a proposal.

"Roy?"

"Jo?"

She came up, leaned over me, smiled, at least that's what it kinda looked like, anyway, and caressed my face, my hair. She must've been doing the laundry when the call came 'cause her hands smelled like _Tide_™. It was a nice reminder of 'home' and 'normalcy' on, what seemed to be turning into, an abnormal day.

But maybe with her here, I could shake off this weird state I was in and restore things back to the way they were….before the cliff. Before… I reached for her hand and held it like I never wanted her to leave me. She wriggled out of my grasp a little and I loosened my desperate hold on her. "Hon, are you OK? Dr. Early gave me the spiel. How're you feeling?"

"Better, now that my head and my stomach aren't at war."

"How're your eyes?"

"Improving."

"That's good." She brushed my hair back and it was nice to feel her touch.

"Yeah. It was a little scary, I don't mind tellin' ya."

"I'll bet."

"Where are Chris and Jenny?"

"With Corinne." She sighed, still caressing my hair. "Roy Patrick DeSoto, did you not hear me the other day when you got burned?"

"I did. I guess I just wasn't ready to listen."

"I guess." She kissed me. And it was nice, familiar, comforting. "I know you've been trying to impress me all week with your brave fireman and rescue antics, but, really, if this is your way of getting me to go on a date with you, all you had to do was ask."

"I tried asking your mother's permission, but, well, look what happened."

She huffed a little and backhanded a gentle swat on my shoulder.

"Ow!" _I guess now I've really done it…_

"Roy DeSoto, that didn't hurt and you should know better than that." I was hoping there was a smile that went with that swat, 'cause she usually does that when she's teasing, but I couldn't quite tell by her tone of voice alone whether she was kidding at all.

She sighed a little and her voice was gentle, "I know you both don't see eye to eye very often—"

"That's an understatement."

"Roy, she's my _mother_. She means well."

"Sure, Jo. She means to drive a wedge between the two of us so you can find someone better. She believes you're simply biding your time."

She laughed. "You know that's not true."

"She's gonna use this as another excuse to criticize me, tell me for the thousandth time how selfish I am for choosing a career that puts other people before her daughter and could very well leave you a widow. Come to think of it, that's probably what she's counting on."

"Roy, you're exaggerating."

"Then why does she treat me like the furniture delivery guy, and _not_ her daughter's _husband_ and the father of her _grandchildren? _Eileen's husband doesn't have to sleep on the couch when she visits them, you know?"

"How would you know that?"

"Because I've _talked_ to him, Jo—." I'd gotten so worked up over this, I'd nearly forgotten I was injured. A wave of pain came over me, just then, when I tried to sit up and the rest my diatribe got lost when all I could manage was a groan.

"Honey? You want me to get Dr. Early?"

The pain eased up a little as I lay back down, but it was hard to catch my breath. "No, I'm alright, Jo. I'm sure he'll be in soon with the test results, anyway. Ow…"

She caressed my hair again, "You sure you're ok?"

_No._ "Yeah…" I wheezed.

"See what happens when you get agitated?" she whispered.

"Can't help it. The very mention of your mother agitates me."

She was silent for awhile, just brushing my hair.

"Sorry, Jo."

She kissed me. "I guess that hang glider really did a number on you, huh?"

"Seems so."

"Well, then, I guess I'll just become a nurse since you seem eager to spend so much time here, lately. Or do you and Johnny have an office pool going?"

"Sorry." _Again_.

She kissed me. "Don't be sorry. Just be alive and okay." She rubbed my arm and I grabbed her hand. It felt good to have her so close. "Dr. Early says they're planning on keeping you here?"

"Coupla days, I think. Mostly for observation."

"I hope it's not more than that. I know Dixie has to sell it to help calm the families, but you know I'm not crazy about the coffee, here," she said in a conspiratorial whisper.

"Yeah, I know." It felt good to hold her, to touch her. Maybe this is just what I need. Maybe it'll make me forget…

"Well, your partner is practically jumping out of his skin to see you. Honestly, I think he worries about you more than I do." She brushed my hair back and kissed me again. "I'm gonna go check on the kids. Chris has been in a 'I don't want my little sister around me' mode, today, leaving Jenny feeling a little unwanted."

"He's at that age, you know."

"I know. I went through it and remember it well." She moved away. "Johnny's here. I'll be right back."

"Hey, Jo? Tell the kids I love 'em and that I'll see them real soon."

"I will."

**Johnny:**

She stopped me as I walked in. "Are you OK? You look a little worn around the edges for a guy who's been doing nothing but hanging off a cliff all morning."

"Yeah, well, you know, somebody's gotta do it."

She looked at me the way I've seen her look at the kids when they come home with dirt all over 'em. "Your face looks all red this morning, Johnny. But I can't tell if it's just this light."

I put on my best Tonto voice, "Mmm, me look like Red Indian."

She gently jabbed a finger at me. "Stop that. But really, you look sunburned."

"Nothin' like a good wind-whippin' to get you started in the morning."

She smiled and hugged me. "Well, I'm glad you're ok. He's all yours. I'm just gonna check on the kids real quick. You need anything?"

"I should be askin' you that."

She gave me that 'motherly' look, "I'm not the one who was dangling a hundred feet up. You want anything?"

"Naw, I'm ok, Joanne. Thanks."

"Okay, I'll be right back."

She squeezed my arm and I watched her leave. "You're a lucky man, Roy."

"Yeah."

Well, for a guy who knew he was lucky, he sure didn't sound convinced. And damn it, if I didn't know better, I coulda sworn he had that weird look on his face, again. Or maybe he was lookin' funny cause he was still in pain or he was uncomfortable or some'n'.

I looked at him lying on the hospital table. I thought about where we'd just been. Heard Cap's voice, again, yellin' for him like it was the one thing that'd keep Roy alive…and the fear came back.

**Roy:**

So much for my plan to erase what'd happened today. The minute he walked in, my heart leaped.

_Lucky man. Oh sure. _Bad_ luck, maybe. Lucky to have…to have gotten his head whacked so hard, it was spinning circles around his partner_…

"You scared me, Roy," he whispered. And he sounded it, too.

Boy, I gotta say, it was a little disconcerting to have heard him say that. Not what he said but the way he said it. And with Johnny, that's usually the biggest clue to diagnosing his real feelings.

I had no way of knowing at the time, of course, how much that cliff rescue really had affected him. I know without a doubt how it'd affected me, I mean, there's no gettin' around it. But I wasn't in any real condition at that moment to catch the clue he'd just dropped. Actually, the several clues he'd _been_ dropping. He was doing it again, submerging like a submarine and 'going quiet'. And you know what that means. And if I'd been in enough of a right mind to have really paid attention, I would have noticed it a whole lot sooner. And maybe – just maybe – this whole, entire thing could've all been avoided.

Although, like I said before, depending on your perspective, This Whole Entire Thing may have been a good thing. Which is fine, I guess, but it really would've been nice without all the theatrics and disquieting introspection.

"Yeah, I know. I scared me, too. But hey, I had nothin' else to do while I was hangin' around." I tried to turn on the ole DeSoto charm to ease my partner's fears and to attempt, again, to restore some sense of normalcy. _Well, it works on Jenny, anyway…_

**Johnny:**

"Oh, ha ha. You know how long it'll be before a bed opens up?"

"Not sure. Dr. Early hasn't come by, yet, with the test results."

"'Kay. Squad's been stood down till they find a replacement for you. I told Cap that he'd better make sure it ain't Dunning or they'd have to find a replacement for all _three_ of us. I cannot believe I am hearing myself say this, but I would partner with _Brice_ for a year 'fore I _ever_ do a shift with Dunning."

"I'm gonna hold you to that."

"No you're not. No you're not, 'cause I would never agree to _do_ a shift with Dunning."

"You just said…"

"I know what I just said. But I didn't mean what I just said, 'cause what I meant was that I would never partner with Dunning in the first place and so I would have no need to partner with The Walking Rule Book for a year because it's just not gonna happen. _That's_ what I meant."

**Roy:**

He hasn't figured out yet that I do that to him just to drive him nuts because he's so easy to wind up. He thinks Chet's the only one who plays practical jokes on him.

"What're you smilin' at?"

"Brice's new partner."

He groaned at me as his face scrunched up in disgust.

I guess it was the weird state I was in coupled with the meds they had me on, but I found myself starting to laugh. I was tryin' not to, 'cause it still hurt, but I couldn't stop myself.

Johnny got all serious when I winced in pain. "Hey, hey, you alright?"

"Yeah. Just hurts to laugh, that's all."

"Serves you right." But his hand was holding onto my arm. And I realized that it had been the whole time.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: As always, grateful thanks to my Beta Reader for the helpful comments, suggestions and corrections! Emergency! characters owned by Mark VII and Universal.  
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**WARNING: There is a mention towards the very end of child deaths but they are not portrayed.  
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><p><strong>Chapter 9<strong>

**Johnny:**

'_You scared me, Roy…'_

'_Johnny, where are we?'_

I could still feel his hand in mine…

Could still see that look on his face in the ambulance, his eyes movin' around like he was tryin' to focus, like he was tryin' to find me.

'_Johnny? Johnny, you here?'_

I'm here, Roy. _'I'm right here.'_

_Dunning! Ben…!_

To think he went through that at that 3-alarm the other night and never got an answer…

That _fucking _son of a _bitch…!_

Man, I just couldn't hold still.

Ordinarily, with the rescue done and Roy outta danger I woulda started to relax about now. But this whole day was turnin' out to be anything _but_ ordinary and the adrenaline, like every thought goin' through my head, was still high up on that cliff…

…my hand on the back of his head, him right up against me with the wind howlin' like hell-fury around us. I had him. He was safe and I could keep him that way.

…the way he was danglin' like a rag doll at the end of that line with that glider makin' a play for him like a puma toyin' with its food…

_God…dammit!_

_Alright, alright, Gage, settle down, okay? Settle down. Just settle down, just calm down, calm down…that's it, keep it calm, keep it calm..._

_Shit._

I knew Roy was in good hands at Rampart. That Joanne was with him, but…

I'd felt some'in'. On that cliff…in the ambulance... With _him_. I'd _felt_ something…

And I know he did, too, when he caught my fingers just as Early came back into the room.

…when he caressed the back of my neck, in the ambulance…

He _had_ to have felt it; I'm _sure _of it.

In fact, it seemed stronger, now. Maybe cause he wasn't with me, I don't know. All I knew was, he was back there and I was here and I didn't like it.

'_I would never leave you, Roy. I would never do that.'_

_I swear to God, Dunning, if you ever lay a foot near me, I will string you up that cliff and leave you for the vultures._

'_We're here, just hold on.'_

That familiar red brick with its familiar flagpole loomed in my vision and I suddenly realized that I had no memory of the entire drive back from Rampart.

I backed the Squad in and just sat there with my head back, tryin' to grab hold o' my senses again… feelin' Roy in that empty Squad. The adrenaline was just startin' to ease off and my body was beginning to realize just how much abuse it'd sustained after fightin' a tornado all mornin'.

Man, I was startin' to hurt all over.

Heard hands settle on the door. Forgot I had the window rolled all the way down. "John?"

I jerked upright, 'cause he'd kinda startled me a little bit. Guess that wasn't such a good idea, 'cause my muscles were startin' to stiffen up on me. And they _hurt_. Cap was leanin' against the door, just lookin' at me.

"Sorry, pal, wasn't trying to sneak up on you like that. You all right?"

"Yeah," I groaned and settled back against the seat.

"Finally comin' down off that adrenaline high, huh?"

"Yeah." _Unlike a few other things…_

"Well, come on outta there."

"Sure, Cap," I sighed. He pushed himself off the door and stepped away. I opened the door, slid off the seat and my foot slipped when I felt my legs give out from underneath me an' I about went straight down to the ground. Had to grab the door to keep from droppin' but my hand slipped and I ended up with my arm hangin' out the window as the top of the door caught me hard under the armpit. Now my shoulder, my chest and my entire upper left arm were killin' me.

Cap was right there, hand full of my uniform, haulin' me up. "You alright?"

"Yeah…" _Well that was just damned swell_. I was already miserable, I didn't need to feel like an idiot, on top of that. I got my feet under me and slammed the door shut just to punish _somethin_' for the way my day'd been goin'.

"Come on into my office, will you? I want to talk to you."

_Great. Now I'm gonna get reamed for trying to destroy County property. Boy, Gage, your day is just goin' from worse to shitty. What next? I'll probably have to rescue Brice after Bellingham finally loses his mind and stuffs Craig into a used toilet bowl…_

"Siddown," Cap gestured to his chair.

I saw him close the door and my heart skipped a beat. I massaged my arm and sat down real slow as I just looked at him. "Uh, what is it, Cap?"

Cap sat on the other desk. "Have Roy's replacement look at your arm when he gets here, alright?"

Now I have great respect for Cap. I really do! But with that 40-ton bull I wrestled this morning, exactly how did Cap expect my _temporary_ partner to distinguish which pain in my arm was caused by the Squad and what was caused by that hellish rescue this morning? Besides, it's not like it'd matter, anyhow. One more bruise wasn't gonna make a bit of difference in how beat up I felt. "Cap, I'm OK."

"Hookrader needs someone to fill in for Charlie Wilson on C-shift next week. I'll go ahead and put your name in since you're obviously well enough to—"

"Uh, yes, sir. I'll have Roy's replacement…look at my arm when, uh, he, uh, comes in. Cap." _Damn that Cap. I'm tellin' ya, he's got every sly trick up his sleeve. _

"Mm-hm. Thought you might be persuaded to see things a little differently."

I threw him my best Gage Charm smile, "Well, you can be mighty persuasive, Cap. You know just how to motivate a guy."

"Years of experience, pal. Years of experience."

I was afraid to ask, but since I knew who it was gonna be, there was no way my day could get any worse by askin', "Do you know who, uh, who _is_ my new, I mean, uh Roy's uh, well, you know—"

"No, not yet. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Any word on the pilot, by any chance?"

"Dr. Early said she'd slipped into a coma. They don't think her chances are too good."

"Hm. That's too bad," he said, lookin' pretty sad.

"Uh, Cap. Was that it?"

"No, John. Uh…" He looked at the floor, swallowed hard, clapped a hand on his thigh, looked right at me and sighed. "John…I'm not real sure how to ask this, so I'm just gonna come right out and ask. Now, I'm going to need you to be straight with me. Think you can you do that?"

That got my alarms ringin' pretty loud. I sat up straighter. "Uh, yeah, Cap. What's this about?"

"Now I know this is your first day back from vacation, but, um…have you noticed anything unusual about DeSoto, lately? Or maybe before you went on vacation?"

My heart just stopped. I was already havin' a hard time with surprises today, I didn't need any more and I couldn't fathom why Cap would be askin' somethin' like that. _Had something else happened with Dunning that I wasn't told about?_ "Well, whaddya mean 'unusual'?"

"I don't know. Did he seem distracted, maybe, during the rescue this morning – anything like that?"

I thought about it, but… "No. Why?"

"Well, you gotta admit, it's a little atypical for Roy to be injured this severely twice in the same week. I'm just trying to ascertain if there's something going on with him that maybe has him distracted or if it just happens to be a coincidence."

"Well, if there _is_ something, Cap, I sure don't know about it."

"Nothing with Joanne or the kids that he's talked to you about?"

"Not that he's mentioned, no." But just as I'd said that, I remembered that conversation in the ER:

'_You're a lucky man, Roy.'_

'_Yeah.'_

'_Well, for a guy who knew he was lucky, he sure didn't sound convinced.'_

Maybe something _was_ goin' on between him and Joanne, but I decided I'd confront Roy before I mentioned it to Cap.

Thing is, even if he never talked about his fights with Joanne, he was always upset about it enough that I could tell _somethin'_ was bothering him. But he hadn't seemed that way at all. Then again, he did say Joanne'd gotten upset with him when he got burned. Maybe she'd reamed him a good one at the hospital, again, right before I came in.

"Well, I'll have a talk with him when he returns. In the meantime, I'd like a full report on that rescue this morning before the end of shift, alright?"

"Sure thing, Cap. I'll get started on it right away." I turned to grab an incident report form from the filing cabinet.

"John?"

"Yeah?"

"I said the end of shift, not the end of the day. You've had a rough morning. Squad's stood down until Roy's replacement arrives. Why don't you go get cleaned up and get some rest, first, okay?"

I was about to tell him 'nevermind', but I saw that no-nonsense look on his face that we've all learned means 'Don't argue with me'.

"Uh, okay. Thanks, Cap."

He grabbed his coffee mug off the desk and left. I slid down and sprawled in his chair, too tired to go get cleaned up. But all I was doin' was seein' Roy danglin' off that cliff and Marco's voice sayin' _"Dunning left Roy in a fire."_

I bolted up, grabbed a form from Cap's files and started in on that report 'fore I stalked out to the bay just to slam the Squad door so hard it'd make the mirror fall off…

**Roy:**

I know what you're thinking.

'Cause I'd been thinking the same thing.

Now that I was in my own hospital room and away from the chaos of the ER, I was finally able to put things into their proper perspective.

How could my judgment have become clouded so completely? That was your question, right? Believe me, I know. Because that's what I was asking myself. _Me_, who knows better. The Damsel in Distress phenomenon. Or, in my case, DeSoto in Distress. We even talked about that in paramedic training – how victims can sometimes develop a false sense of kinship with their rescuers. Johnny and I and a whole host of the other rescue guys have had our share of dealing with stuff like that. Especially single women. Johnny's near-disaster with Valerie comes immediately to mind.

I know this. Have known this since I first began training in rescue work, and, like I said, the two times I went through the paramedic training course.

I have to admit, though, I never thought I'd find myself on that end of things. I mean, it's not like I've never had to be rescued, before.

But I know what head injuries can do to people, too.

So, I knew full well that that must be the answer. Must be why I reacted …to….my partner…the way I…..(am) _No!_ The way…I did. That's what'd been happening. I mean, of course it was. A sense of relief at being rescued that got turned upside down from disorientation and then scrambled, thanks to the concussion.

Boy, I was so relieved I'd realized what the problem was that I almost couldn't contain myself. But all of that was about to be behind me, now. My beautiful wife, Joanne was with me and I could finally concentrate on her and on getting out of here. I reveled in her touch and her presence and hung onto her like she was the last cactus in my own miserable desert.

I suppose plenty of people might've said something or done something, else.

And like I said, I admit I never thought I'd find myself on the opposite end of that whole transference concept. Guess that head injury really jolted somethin' loose in there. Well, with enough rest and quality time with Joanne, it'd get fixed in no time.

I had no doubt.

**Johnny:**

_Clack clack-clack clack-clack-clack clack_…

"I thought I told you to get some rest?" Cap scolded me as he came back into the office and saw me typing.

"Yeah, I know, Cap. Guess I'm just too wired."

"Well, alright. But Roy's replacement could come at any time and I want you _rested_ before I put you back on duty. I'll make it an order if I have to."

"I…I understand, Cap. I'll type this up now and then add it to the log book later, how's that?"

He set his mug down, slid into his chair, and looked at me with that sidelong glance that means he's tryin' to come up with some counter-argument but failing. "Yeah, alright."

_Clack clack-clack clack-clack-clack clack_…

By the time I was done, I could tell the adrenaline had really dropped off and the fatigue was definitely startin' to settle in. But typing up that report was makin' my head spin with thoughts of my partner as we held on to each other in the wind and I had to really work at keeping that report sounding objective and professional.

I handed Cap the report just as Chet walked in. "Hey, Gage, Roy's replacement is here. He's in the kitchen."

"Who is it?" I asked, knowing full well I wasn't gonna like the answer.

"Come see for yourself."

"Chet?" Damn it, if he didn't just walk away. "Chet? Chet!"

"Just come on, Gage," his voice sounded from the bay.

I huffed out of sheer exasperation and schlepped out of the office. I walked into the kitchen, bracing myself for one of Brice's uppity, know-it-all comments before I'd even gotten two steps in. But I about fell over backwards at the tall, dark-haired, clean-shaven guy standing around, talkin' to the guys.

"Gil?"

"Hiya Johnny! How are you?"

Well, wouldn't you know it, ole Gil Robinson was assigned as Roy's replacement for the rest of the shift! My day was finally turning around!

"Is that really you?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Well hell, I didn't recognize you without the moustache! How've you been?"

"I'm good. Real good. How's life been on your end?"

"Oh man, I've had better days, lemmee tell ya. So what're you doin' here? Last time I talked to you, you were on A-shift at your station. Didn't realize you could do overtime on your own shift," I laughed, stealin' a quick glance at Cap, who'd walked in and shook hands with Robinson.

"Boy, wouldn't that be a time-saver," Gil laughed, too. "No, you're right, Johnny, I had. But that lasted until 4 months ago when O'Connors got his shoulder wrecked."

"Oh, that's right! From that skiing accident. Okay, now I always forget which one is which."

"Jessup is the lineman over at 250s. Joey's the rescue guy on our B-shift."

I snapped my fingers. "That's right. So he's out permanently?"

"Unfortunately. He really did a number on his rotator cuff. So Chief moved me to B-shift while Ben breaks in a new paramedic."

"Well that's just a damned shame about Joey. He was a real nice guy. Well, when I remembered which brother he was. So does that mean you're permanently on B-shift while—"

"Ahem!"

We both looked over to Cap, who was pullin' out a chair at the table, setting his coffee mug down and kinda glarin' at me. "I swear, I've never known anyone with as long a procrastination streak as you, Gage. Well, except maybe Kelly."

"What'd _I_ do?" Chet complained, emptying out the dishrack.

"Nevermind, Kelly."

I was still confused as to where Cap was goin', "Uh….what'd I miss, Cap?"

"The mention of rotator cuffs shoulda clued you in," he gestured.

"What, something wrong with your shoulder?" Gil looked instantly worried.

Cap sat down and started sifting through some manila folders, "More with his head, I think."

"Hey, I was gonna say that," Chet said.

"Well aren't you glad I saved you the trouble," Cap countered, turning to steal a glance at him.

"You do something to your arm, Gage?" Gil asked.

"Aw, it's nothin', Gil," I threw Cap a disgusted look, but he just kept glarin' at me. _I mean, did he really have to bring that up in front of Chet?_ "I just slipped and fell and my arm went through the window and the door—"

"The window!" He grabbed my hands and started lookin' for lacerations.

"No, no, it wasn't like that. The open window of the Squad. It was rolled down."

"Oh."

"But my hand slipped, my arm went through and the door caught me right up in here as I went down." I cupped the bottom of my left arm.

"When did this happen?"

"Mm, I don't know. 'Bout 30 minutes, maybe. I mean, it feels better now."

"He landed on it pretty hard, Gil," Cap confirmed.

"OK, well, let me take you into the locker room where I can get a better look."

"Wait a minute, you got injured gettin' out of the _Squad?_" Chet crowed. "After hangin' off a cliff for the last several hours, you nick a fingernail gettin' out of the _car?_ Oh, that's gotta be your best one yet, Gage."

"Chet, lay off, will ya?" Marco complained.

"Hey, Gil, would you say an IV of normal saline or D5W oughta fix that right up?"

"Kelly, knock it off!" Cap had his hands out over the table and he sighed. "It's been a helluva morning, alright? Look, since you think it's so damned funny, Chet, you can take over lunch and dinner duties from John. Chow's on you, today, pal."

Chet opened his mouth, but one look from Cap shut him up real quick.

_Gage 1, Kelly 0. I love it._

"Fellas," Cap called us as we started to leave. "I've stood the Squad down till after lunch. So, John, just rest up, alright?"

"Okay. Thanks, Cap." I threw Chet my victory grin. He stuck his tongue out at me. I suspect when all of this blows over, the Phantom will be called to duty. But that's okay. I'll be waitin' for 'im.

We got to the latrine and I nabbed a fresh shirt and took my old one off so Gil could look at my arm, better.

"What the hell happened to you?" Gil asked, starin' at my left side.

I looked down and saw a coupla semi-bloody streaks. "Ah, yeah. That was from this morning with the hang-glider. The wing had shredded and wind-whipped me as I was tryin' to secure it. Again. With all the worry over Roy, I completely forgot about it. Musta been the adrenaline."

"Musta. Looks like you got clawed by some neighbor's vicious cat. You have the docs take a look at it?"

"Naw. Like I said, I clean forgot about it."

"Well let me do that much, at least." He went and got the drug box and started cleanin' the scratches.

And damn, it _stung!_ Woulda been better of if he'd just left 'em alone. "So how come you're doin' overtime? You've been a fully certified paramedic, for what, a year and a half now? You just need the extra pay or you're wantin' more experience?"

Gil started lookin' over my arm for the Squad injury, palpating and watching for my reaction. "Eh, I just want more experience. I was really excited when they started the Paramedic Advisory Board and was hoping to be on it."

I looked at him, feelin' kinda sad. "But they wanted people with a minimum of three years' experience," I finished for him.

"Yup."

"Well, I _was_ pretty surprised when I didn't see your name on it, I have to admit. But then I realized they hadn't exactly asked everybody."

"No, they hadn't. I mean, it makes sense, Johnny. But now I feel like, somehow, if I work more overtime, it'll make time go faster and I'll have three years under my belt sooner so I can be on that Board. I know that's kinda stupid, but…I just can't help feeling that way. It's also kinda put me into a bit of a vicious cycle."

"Oh yeah? How's that?"

"Well, the more experience I get, the less experience I feel I have. And so I keep looking for more. I feel like I'm training for the _one_ run that's gonna have every scenario, every injury and every kind of rescue we could ever see and do in our careers. Like some big Rescue Exam of the Universe is gonna tap me on the shoulder, next week, and I have to be ready to draw upon every single piece of paramedic knowledge and skill that exists to fix whatever it is that's happened. Will happen. Whichever. Anyway, you know what I mean."

He'd been palpating my arm the whole time, lookin' for something broken and feelin' the skin around the bruise underneath my arm.

And all I could think about was Roy, feelin' him up against me, feelin' his heartbeat, and tryin' to keep him safe. From the wind, from that glider, from the rocks…from everything…

"Can you lift your arm, okay?

I tried lifting it over my head real slow. It twinged a bit, but I could mostly do it if I didn't rush it. With my arm up, Gil ducked down a bit and looked at the underside of my arm, brushing the skin lightly. "Yeah, looks like a bruise has already formed. Doesn't feel like there's anything broken, though. Ice it for awhile."

"Now why didn't I think of that? Thanks, Gil."

"Not a problem. Sometimes, it's the little things that get past us, I guess."

_Or get to us_…

Like Roy's fingers around mine, just before Early walked in…

I started buttoning up my shirt, "Boy, I know exactly what you mean. Been there, too, about feeling like you gotta have every line in all those medical books memorized and every rescue scenario planned from here until forever before you go on your first run. Kinda felt like that today, actually."

"Yeah, I was talking to the guys a little bit when I came in. Sounded like it was a pretty rough morning."

"Oh, man, if you only knew the half of it."

"Well, listen, I'll go get you some ice and then you can get some rest and you can tell me all about it at lunch. Deal?"

"Alright, deal. And, hey, Gil, it's good to see you again! _Real_ good."

"You're just happy I'm not Craig Brice."

"Yeah, well, I'll bet the only person who's ever happy to see Craig Brice is his mother."

"Ain't that the sad truth? Anyway, it's good to see you, too, Johnny. It's nice to be back at my old stomping grounds. Well, let me go get you that ice."

"Thanks, Gil."

We caught up on other things as Gil iced me up. I finally laid down on my bunk and looked at Roy's, knowin' it was gonna be empty all night. I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep so it was a bit of a surprise when Mike woke me up to tell me lunch was ready…and my thoughts about my partner picked up right where they'd left off.

**~!~!~**

At lunch, I told Gil the whole story of that morning, along with Dunning's famous disappearing act on Roy. I'm not one to gossip, like Chet is, but I figured Dunning's suspension made the Firehouse Wireless faster than a match on gasoline.

"So Roy's doin' OK?" Robinson asked as we all patted our bellies from Chet's fried chicken, which was really _my_ fried chicken.

"He's gonna be OK, Gil, he's gonna be okay. They're keeping' him at Rampart for a couple days for observation. He's got a concussion and some blurred vision and some minor lacerations, but other than that, he'll be OK. Should be back next shift."

Cap pushed his chair back, "John, I'm gonna put the Squad back in service."

"Go ahead, Cap."

Cap went out to the call station and _just_ as he walked back in, we got toned out. "Not a moment too soon," he muttered as he spun on his heel and we all scrambled out to the vehicles.

"_Station 51. Traffic accident. At the intersection of May and Bloomdale. May and Bloomdale. Police and ambulance are responding. Time out: 1303." _

"You wanna drive?" Gil asked.

"Naw, you go ahead," I told him, still not sure about my arm.

He hopped in and we waited for Cap to give us the sheet, "Thanks for not calling me 'G'."

"Why's that?"

"On our shift, Ben and I are known as the Bee Gees."

"The Bee Gees?"

"Yeah, you know, B for Ben, G for—"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Okay, now _that's_ pretty funny."

"Now you know why I shaved off the moustache. I was getting tired of being compared with Barry."

"Figures."

And off we went. And I gotta say, everytime I looked over to that driver's seat, a sense of shock went through me 'cause I kept forgettin' that it wasn't Roy sittin' there.

Well, maybe when we take any victims to Rampart, I'll have time to go see 'im. That made me feel a whole lot better.

**Roy:**

_He grabbed my hand. 'Roy, I'm right here.'_

'_I'm ready to secure Roy to my line.'_

_Johnny_…

I found myself wondering where he was, what he was doing. It'd been quite awhile, I was surprised he hadn't stopped by. Surely, they'd've had a run, by now…

_Dammit, I'm doing it again_. Suddenly Joanne was looking at me.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said I'd've thought Friday and Saturday nights would be their busiest, but they seem to be hip deep in business, today."

_Who? 51s? How would you know how busy they were…oh, you mean the hospital…_

"And I brought you the ice water."

"Oh. Thanks, honey." I took the cup, sipped some water to wet my throat a little, and chewed on an ice chip. "They're probably getting injuries related to all this windy weather."

She gently caressed my forehead, "That must be it. You thinkin' about the guys?"

"Yeah. They're probably out on a run. Lunchtime's usually pretty busy." _Which means Johnny'll stop by soon… No, stop it. Stop it. Just quit doing that, alright?_

"Listen, sweetie, I can't stay all day like I thought I'd be able to. Corrine and Jack have to leave so I need to go pick up the kids."

_No…! Joanne, don't leave me…_ "You really need to leave?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, babe. Donna and Ed are out of town and Cynthia is looking after her mom, today, so there's no one else to look after Jen and Chris."

"Yeah, I forgot about Cynthia's mom."

"I'm sorry, hon. I suppose it's just as well. I really should go and let you rest. Besides, I need to get on Chris to finish that diorama that's due tomorrow."

"Can you stay for a little longer?" _Because I need you here. To distract me. Please. I keep slipping. I can't keep doing that. Please…_

She combed her fingers through my hair, studying me. "Well. I can call Corinne and see."

"I'd really like you to stay for as long as you can."

She kissed me and smiled. "Okay. I'll be right back."

Her fingers slipped from mine and she looked back at me from the doorway. The way Johnny had before he left…

_Jo. Hurry back…_

**Johnny:**

The hydrant was spewing water everywhere like a boot manning a 2 and-a-half all by himself; the wind was just throwing the water around like crazy. The 2-door brown Buick Luxus looked like it had parked itself in the road at an odd angle. Roy and I always joke that hydrants should be called 'car magnets'. All that space on the road and people still find ways to run into the hydrants.

I almost said something about that to Roy until I saw Gil open the door. _Dammit, I did it again!_

"Marco, check the hydrant, will ya?" Cap yelled over the noise.

Gil and I raced into the waterfall to check on the driver. Only to find the car empty. I ran over to the patrol officer, Bill Erskine, who was talkin' to Cap, "Hey, Bill! Where's the driver? Was he the only one in the car?"

"Oh, sorry, Johnny. Yeah, just the driver was involved. He managed to get himself out of the car, okay. He's over by the side over there. In the brown jacket," he pointed.

Sure enough, there he was, sittin' on the curb. His jacket was about the same color as the car, too. "Alright, thanks."

Gil and I started to get our gear out. It was takin' me a bit longer cause my arm was still kinda sore. We headed over, but the driver didn't seem any worse for wear. He was sittin' on the side, average-lookin' guy, with sandy blonde hair, head turned away from us, talking to one of the onlookers. If Bill hadn't pointed him out, we woulda walked right past him_._

"Hi, there," Gil said. "I'm Gil, this here's my partner, Johnny. We're paramedics from the L.A. County Fire Department. Are you the driver of that vehicle?"

He turned around and I about had a heart attack. Same color hair as Roy's and he almost coulda passed as a distant cousin. _Whoa, Gage, settle down, now, just settle down. Your partner's at Rampart, remember?_

"Uh, yeah. Hell of a mess, huh?"

I set down the biophone, "Well, let's not worry about that right now. What's your name?"

"Panzer. Gary Panzer."

"OK, Mr. Panzer. Uh, are you hurt anywhere?" I couldn't help it, but somethin' about him reminded me of Roy.

"Actually, no. More shook up, really. I mean, I was just driving along, and a huge gust came up and all of a sudden, this…thing came flying right at me from out of nowhere. I swerved to avoid it and, well, guess I found the hydrant to run into. Suppose I coulda tried to run into that coconut tree, instead. Sorry."

I turned to look at the scene and noticed a bunch of kids on bikes, skateboards and roller skates, all watching together, with a couple of 'em tossin' around a frisbee. _His unidentified flying object… He coulda run into those kids, too. A near miss._

'_Backdraft? C'mon, Roy, you're not that stupid!'_

'_I was running out of air and I lost the HT…'_

_Dammit, Gage_…

I told him, "Well, don't worry about that. Mind if you we check you out? Make sure you're OK?"

"Well, I suppose. There's no real need to, though."

"Just a precaution, Mr. Panzer."

"Well, have at it, then."

Gil and I got all the vitals and relayed them to Rampart. But Mr. Panzer seemed okay, just sore muscles, probably from when he tensed up and swerved right into the hydrant.

We tried to convince him that it'd really be best that he get checked out at the hospital, since an adrenaline rush can sometimes mask other injuries, but he refused. So he signed off, we sent the ambulance away and Cap dismissed us while the Engine crew did clean-up.

I was a little disappointed. Not that I wish anyone to get hurt, but I was kinda hopin' to have a chance to go to Rampart to see Roy. I know I coulda called, but…that just didn't seem right. Don't know why. I needed to…see him. Needed to…_feel_ him, I guess. Not sure why just talkin' to him wouldn't have been enough, but….it just didn't seem like it would. Besides, I was sure Joanne was with him, it being a Sunday an' all. I just didn't feel right intruding on them, like that.

But I couldn't get that hope out of my mind…

**Roy:**

Joanne came back into the room and shook my foot gently as I did my best to snuggle in under the covers. Which, I've discovered, is a lot easier to do when your back hasn't been rubbed against a cheese grater.

"Corinne said she'll put off her grocery shopping till tomorrow, so she can watch the kids for another hour," she caressed my hair again. "Said she'd rather help Chris with his project anyway. Sounded more fun."

_Thank God for Corinne_. "No kiddin'. Tell her thanks from me when you talk to her again."

"I will. Has Dr. Rees come in, yet?"

"No, not yet. You didn't see him out there?"

"No. Hopefully all he'll say is that you'll just need your rest."

"Yeah, except there's not gonna be a whole lotta rest for me, tonight. It's gonna be an exciting extravaganza of the same questions over and over again, every hour on the hour."

_Boy, of all the times I really need to be unconscious. The one thing I need the most has to happen at the one time I can't get it. _

"Then again, I doubt I'll be able to get any rest, even with all that. After that rescue this morning, I'm startin' to ache all over."

"Your memory is coming back, then?"

"Most of it. I think. I don't remember gettin' hit by the glider. But I'm starting to remember most of the rest of it."

Flashes of Johnny came at me.

Feeling him right up against me on that cliff…

His fingers brushing mine…

A warmth flooded right through me.

A little intense.

_Johnny…_

_No no no, don't go there… Don't…don't…Damn it, DeSoto…_

"Honey, are you alright?"

I flashed her a wide grin, "Yeah. Yeah, sure, honey. Why?"

"For a moment there, your breathing got a little funny."

She started to caress my face with the back of her hand.

I felt Johnny's caress, again, just like when we were in the ambulance, _'We're here, just hold on.'_

I made to grab her hand quickly, but winced as I stretched the lacerations on my back. "No no, I'm fine, Jo. Everything's just fine. Great. Perfect. I'm here. You're here. We're both…you know…here."

Her eyes twinkled and she just kinda laughed at me. "That concussion really did a number on ya, huh? Made my tiger all goofy," she growled in that seductive voice she uses. Then she kissed me.

_You have no idea, Jo_. I held her hand. "I'm glad you're here."

**Johnny:**

Gil and I dried off and had just finished cleaning up the leftover remnants from lunch when we heard the Engine back in.

I don't think Stoker'd even turned off the engine when the tones sounded.

"_Station 51, vehicle accident. 4448 East Ironwood. 4-4-4-8 East Ironwood. Cross street Poplar. Police and ambulance have been dispatched. Time out: 1429."_

I went out to the call station to answer.

"Cap, I hate ta tell you this, but I really gotta pee," I heard Chet complain.

"Engine crew, you've got 10 seconds," Cap answered.

"Station 51, 10-4. KMG 365," I confirmed to Dispatch and then watched as the entire Engine crew clambered off Big Red and made for the latrine.

"Cap! We'll meet you there!" I yelled.

"Right behind ya," he shouted back from inside.

Gil and I took off, him driving again.

"You don't think Mr. Panzer ran into a coconut tree this time?"

Gil just laughed. "Not unless the whole tree threw its coconuts at him."

**~!~!~**

Gil wasn't too far off the mark. In this case, an _entire tree_ threw itself at the vehicle. At least one that was in pieces, 'cause there were tree parts scattered everywhere and the leaf piles were gettin' whipped around in little tornadoes.

I knew exactly how they felt.

Officer Bill Erskine came over to us, "We gotta stop meetin' like this, fellas."

"Tell us about it. Whaddya got?" I asked, taking out the biophone while Gil grabbed the trauma and drug boxes.

"Looks like a yardman hadn't secured the cuttings before hauling everything away. Leaves and everything started sailing out of the back of the truck from all this wind. One branch sailed right in front of her, she swerved to avoid it, and hit that guy's wall, instead. She's still in the car."

"Just her?"

"Yep. Just her. She's conscious, but I think she's more shaken than anything else. She is a little stuck, though."

"Okay, thanks, Bill." Gil and I hurried over. "We can do an assessment until the Engine crew gets here."

And they showed up, right then, Mike cuttin' the siren as he pulled in behind the Squad. Bill filled Cap in as Gil and I got to work.

"Hi, there," I said as I got to the driver-side window of the 2-door avocado green Mustang. It was sittin' with its nose in some guy's rock wall with a small dent in its hood.

She seemed a little bit freaked as she looked at me. "Hi," she answered, wipin' her brown bangs back from her pretty face then went back to grippin' the steerin' wheel like it was gonna bite her, or something.

"Are you hurt anywhere?"

"No, I…I don't think so."

"Are you stuck?" Gil asked from tiny open sliver of the passenger side window.

"Yeah. We can't seem to get the doors open and the windows won't roll down further than they are."

"You sure you're not hurt anywhere?" I asked again.

"I don't think so. More shook up, I think. That branch just sailed outta that guy's truck like a…a…well, like some kind of missile. I swerved when it hit the car and then I kinda ran into this poor guy's wall."

Gil and I both looked and saw a pretty hefty branch lying on the road. We tried both doors, and, sure enough, they were stuck, although the passenger door seemed a little more willing to budge.

"John?" Cap came over, lookin' over the wreck with his hands on his hips.

"Well, Cap, looks like only the driver is involved. She claims not to be injured, but she is stuck. I think hittin' the wall probably jammed the frame of the car, keepin' the doors shut. We might be able to get _this_ door open with the Halligan. Otherwise, we'll have to use the jaws."

"Alright. Marco, grab the Halligan, okay, pal?"

With the help of the Halligan and several of us pulling on the door, we managed to get the driver's side open. She got out of the car okay and Gil and I checked her over. She'd probably end up with whiplash and like our first victim we tried to convince her to go to the hospital and get fully checked out. But she decided against it.

So déjà vu, we sent back the ambulance Bill had called for and left the Engine crew to do whatever clean up needed to be done and back to the station we went.

I was itchin' to call Roy but…it still didn't feel right. I felt like I needed to see him, to…be with him. Somehow, talkin' on the phone just wasn't gonna cut it.

**Roy:**

Dr. Rees set the clipboard against his stomach and leaned his crossed hands over the metal clip. Then he looked at me out of the top of his glasses and I half-expected a scolding, the way he'd grunted and snorted as he'd read my chart, "Are you in a lot of pain, Mr. DeSoto?"

"I've got a fair headache, the lacerations on my back are stinging, the burns are a little sore from all the wind this morning and my entire body is really starting to feel it after that rescue, this morning. My wife being here is a nice distraction, though." _In more ways than one_…

Joanne squeezed my hand. "Not for long, I'm afraid," she said. "I'm going to have to go in a few minutes."

"Okay," I tried to sound neutral for her sake, but I was starting to miss her, already. And I mean _really_ miss her.

"I wish I could give you something to make you more comfortable," Dr. Rees said. "But with you having loss of consciousness and some memory loss –"

"Yeah, I know. I'm lucky enough to get wakened every hour."

He actually had the decency to look genuinely sympathetic. "Sorry."

"It won't last forever, right?" That was about the only good news I had to hold onto.

"That it won't, Mr. DeSoto. If all goes well, we may be able to release you tomorrow."

"I'll tell ya one thing, Dr. Rees. I'm not looking forward to staying awake for the next 24 hours."

"Don't worry, Mr. DeSoto. It'll be all over before you know it."

Little did I realize, how entirely untrue that was going to be.

**Johnny:**

Can you believe it? Two TA's in a row and not _one_ follow-up.

I had to admit, I was gettin' a little antsy. I hadn't seen Roy since taking him to Rampart in the morning.

We managed to return to quarters just long enough for Cap to start the knot-tying drill so that we'd get toned out again.

"_Station 51, traffic accident, with a downed tree and power lines. 5337 Carbon Canyon Road. 5-3-3-7 Carbon Canyon. Cross street, Winslow Lane. Police and ambulance have been dispatched. Time out: 1548."_

"Carbon Canyon, huh? Wanna bet a whole tree fell down on top of a car?" I said, mentally bracing myself for what the scene was gonna look like.

"Tree-lined country road, I take it?" Gil asked.

"You better believe it."

I made Gil drive again, partly 'cause my arm was still sore and partly to get his confidence level back up, make him feel like he was in control. Though I had to admit, it was far more control than _I_ seemed to be havin' all day.

If I'd had any doubts about there bein' a follow-up to Rampart, they sure didn't last too long. And my initial guess wasn't too far off the mark: _two_ of 'em – and I hesitated to call 'em _branches_ 'cause they coulda easily fit two men around 'em each - had broken off from an even bigger tree and had fallen into the road. Right where the road curved, too. One of 'em was obstructing most of the road probably right where it had fallen, and had brought down a power line right along with it. The other one had fallen exactly square on the car across the road…with another car jammed almost perpendicular right underneath it.

We pulled up and this time it was Vince who came over to give us the lowdown on this whole mess as Gil and I got our gear.

"Hey, Hank."

"Hiya, Vince, whatcha got?"

"Well, it seems the wind knocked this monster down, first, bringing that power line down. The driver swerved to avoid it, but careened into the parked car, just in time for that second tree to fall down on top of _it_."

"How many people in the car?" I asked.

"The driver and his teenage daughter. They're both conscious and hurt. But between the parked car and that second tree, we can't get them out."

"Let's go check it out," Cap said and we all headed to the car. "Marco! Check for any gasoline leaks. Chet! Get that power line!"

In an odd twist of fate, it was actually pretty lucky that that driver hit that parked car. Mind you, it did crush the driver's roof just a bit. But the driver's car was a station wagon; the parked car was a jeep. If that station wagon had been higher than the jeep…

"No gasoline, Cap," Marco reported.

The driver's side door was blocked in by the jeep and the driver's side back door wasn't budgin', either. I squeezed in between the station wagon and the jeep and tapped on the window, "LA County Fire Department! Just hold on, we're gonna get ya out real soon, okay?"

The father was leanin' back against the seat, breathin' kinda hard and wearin' some pretty nasty expressions so it was obvious he was in quite a bit of pain.

"Are we gonna have to get this tree off, first?" Cap asked.

"I don't think so," I said, takin' a good look at it.

"Either way, I don't like the idea of having this thing on top of you guys, like this. If it slips down on top of the car or another tree falls, you've had it. I want to secure this thing, first, before you guys go in, alright? I'll have to call in another company," Cap said and he got on the HT.

"Johnny," came Gil's voice, kinda quiet, from the other side of the car.

"Yeah?"

"Daughter's got lacerations all over her face and she's bleeding quite a bit. That officer was right, back door's jammed, too."

"Okay." A thought struck. "Hey, Gil, maybe we can get at 'em through the rear door then use the jaws to get 'em out through the passenger door."

"Let's do it."

**Roy:**

I never thought I'd ever wish for harm to come to any of my brothers, but I gotta tell ya, I've never wanted for Chet to be injured more than I did, right then.

I recounted the time I got tonsillitis – _again_ – and had to share a room with him while he recovered from his shoulder injury. It was one of the most miserable times of my life. No rest for the weary _or_ the post-operative. I'd realized then why Mike never said much. I mean, how could he? It was hard to get a word in edgewise when Chet got started.

But boy, that motor-mouth of his was the thing I needed most. Jo was gone, Dr. Rees had finished his rounds, I'd already read the paper and the nurse had left with her hourly neural check and nothin' and I mean _nothin'_ was on the Tube.

I was tryin' everything I could think of to keep the day's events to the barest possible minimum of conscious thought. But I kept comin' back to Chet and that time he got on that meditation kick.

'_Just relax and concentrate on the sound of one hand clapping.'_

Now, I never told him this, but I couldn't fathom why anyone, even a Buddhist monk, would want to spend time considering such an impossible thing. I mean, who cares what the sound of one clapping would generate if such a sound were possible? How is that of any _real help_ to anybody?

'_Try to empty your mind. For you, Gage, that shouldn't be too hard…'_

Well that, too was impossible. But I really had given it my best shot. Unfortunately, I found that the more I tried not to think about Something, the more Something kept entering my mind. I passed it off as a complete waste of time.

But I started to realize, just now, that I _had_ learned something valuable from it.

Because it was happening again. And I was able to recognize the futility of what I was trying to do.

The more I tried not to think of Johnny…of that cliff, of…both of us…atop that cliff…

_I felt his hands on my shoulders slide down my chest and I flinched a bit when this… _feeling_… cascaded all the way down inside of me and warmed me down to my toes. It didn't seem like much…but it grabbed a hold of me somethin' fierce and didn't let go..._

Mistake No. 4… Dammit, Johnny, I should've listened to you.

'_You want to sit this one out? Wait for another squad?'_

I tried every distraction technique I could think of, but it had only worked for moments at a time. I was alone, now, with only me to keep me company. And the memory of something I…(didn't want to) _No!_ couldn't stop…thinking about…

…that feeling from the cliff just wouldn't leave me alone…

'_Roy, you need me?'_

_Johnny_…

**Johnny:**

"Alright," Cap came running back over to us. "Getting another company up here is gonna take too long. So I'm gonna have Mike drive over and around to get on the other side of this tree so we can secure it with the Engine."

"How long's that gonna take?"

"The whole thing? Probably about 20 minutes. We've got the power company and a tree trimming company that's gonna come out and take care of the power line and this other tree, in the meantime."

"Cap, I'm not sure they're gonna be able to wait twenty minutes. The daughter's bleeding and the driver could have internal injuries," Gil said.

Cap's face darkened as he weighed safety with rescue. "Alright," he acquiesced, but we knew he wasn't likin' it one bit. "But you go slow and no rockin' the boat. One leaf on that tree moves and I'm haulin' you guys outta there myself, you got me?"

"Aye, aye, Cap."

"Mike! Marco! Bring the jaws and some blankets!" Cap ordered.

With both of us, Cap and Vince heavin' on that rear door, we managed to get it open and Gil and I got inside to get to the victims. As Mike and the rest of the Engine crew secured the tree on top of us, we did our assessment and got their vitals and IVs started.

Cap called to us from the rear door, "Fellas, whatcha got?"

I crawled over the backseat to him, "The driver has whiplash, a broken ankle and severe bruising on the chest, most likely from the seat belt. He's having a hard time breathing so we've got him on O2. The daughter's bleedin' real bad, Cap. Looks like she was holdin' a glass bowl with some goldfish in it and it shattered all over her when the accident happened."

He sighed, "Alright. We've got the jaws set up on our end so just give us the signal."

"We're ready Cap. Just give us a sec to get the blankets on 'em."

"You got it."

Finally, with the help of the Engine crew and ambulance attendants, we extricated the victims. I had Gil ride in with 'em while I followed in the Squad. Boy, can you believe it? Three one-car accidents. Figured if they'd all just run into each other at the same time, woulda saved us a whole lot of trouble havin' to go back to quarters just to get called out again.

Finally, we got to Rampart and after makin' sure our patients were in stable hands, my only thought was on the partner I'd left in here hours ago. "Gil, listen, I'm gonna go check on Roy."

"Mind if I come with? I'd like to see how he's doin'. Say hi."

_Well, actually_… "Yeah, c'mon. I know he'd be happy to see ya."

But Dispatch came over the HT, askin' about our status. My heart dropped 'cause we had to roll, again.

**Roy:**

The News.

60 Minutes.

Columbo.

Quincy.

Delvecchio.

The News.

I watched them all. And still no sign of or word from Johnny.

Jo had called in the meantime and I was able to talk to the kids. That brought a smile to my face and lightened my heart a lot.

But I couldn't talk to them forever.

I couldn't…seem to…shake this…_thing _with Johnny that had grabbed me by the throat, come completely out of left field. Or had it? I couldn't understand what was happening. Why it was happening. And what was I supposed to do about it…? And, really, how _could_ I do anything about it? I had a wife whom I loved, I _adored_. Always had… I had children I was more in love with than Life, itself.

How could this be happening? What _is_ it? Why am I…(feeling) _No! _reacting this way?

_Had he…reacted the same way, too? Maybe he hadn't._ But I knew that wasn't true. The way he'd…looked at me. Hadn't…batted an eye when I reached out to him, gently held on to his fingers before Dr. Early had come in with the test results. The way he looked at me before he left…

I'd considered asking a couple of the nurses if they'd mind sending a message down to the ER to give to my partner when he came by. But… I'd decided against it. They were all working, saving lives. I had no right to interfere with that because I was…what? _Lonely? No, that wasn't it_. Well, whatever it was, it was personal and the ER staff had more important things to do than play messenger. Based on Jo's observation earlier, and the fact that he hadn't shown up, I figured this crazy windy weather that landed me here in the first place was keeping all the rescue squads busy with a lot of rescues and a lot of injuries and were gonna be on high alert all night.

I comforted myself with that knowledge.

Because, in the end, I didn't really have a whole lotta choice but to believe, otherwise.

**Johnny:**

Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

It had to be a record-breaking day of runs. Even with our follow-ups to Rampart, we never had time to check on Roy.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. We did have one run that did leave Gil and me some downtime. But I was just too damned tired and too sore to get up from the staff lounge. What might've been a simple walk to the elevator and a few flights up was about 10 miles of crawling, for me, right then.

There was no way I had enough energy to go see him, much as I wanted to. Besides, we still had the rest of the evening and the nighttime to get through. I had no choice but to reserve my energy for that or there was no way I was gonna get through it.

**Roy:**

"Sir…sir, wake up."

_For crying out loud, leave me alone_…

"Sir, wake up."

"I'm up, I'm up…" My voice sure wasn't though. I thought about opening my eyes, but the light was bright enough as it was, so I kept them closed.

"Can you tell me your full name?"

"Roy Patrick DeSoto."

"Do you know your birthdate?"

"Novem… ahem. November 7."

"Are you married?"

"Yes."

"What is your wife's name?"

"Joanne."

"What do you do for a living?"

"Fireman."

"What is your full name?"

"Believe me when I tell you it hasn't changed since the last time you asked me."

"Did I ask you that before?"

"You don't remember?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Not two minutes ago."

"Well, tell me again."

"William Randolph Hearst."

"Now, don't give her grief, just answer her, nicely. She's only doing her job." _Johnny!_ A warmth plunged through me at his voice. But…something wasn't right. He sounded raspy and tired and I could smell diesel gasoline, smoke, sweat and blood. _This doesn't bode well…_

"Sorry. I'm just a little weary of being awakened every hour."

"I understand. So, one last time and then I'm gone. Your full name."

"Roy Patrick DeSoto. My full name is Roy Patrick DeSoto."

"Thank you, sir. I'll see you in an hour. And thank _you_."

"Sure," came that raspy voice.

_Fantastic. Another hour. Again. I've lost track of how many times it'd been, already. _ Did I mention that I really hate head injuries? It's one thing to know 24 hours is gonna feel like a week, but it's an entirely different matter when it really _does_ take a week.

"Well, now that wa'n't so hard, was it?"

"Johnny? You here?"

"I'm right here, partner."

I heard a small 'click' and then the room was dark again. I managed to open my eyes and I could see him by the light filtering in from the window. He was standing over me, lookin' mighty sad. "What time is it?"

"Little after 5 am."

"What is it? What's wrong? Bad run?"

He just nodded, kept his head down. "Just wanted to stop by, see how you were doin'."

"I'm fine. What happened?"

He shook his head then glanced at me. "You answered those questions pretty darn well. My guess is doc'll let you outta here later today."

"I hope so. It's been real peachy not being able to just sleep through all the pain I'm in."

"Yeah, I'll bet."

Silence.

"What happened?"

"Nothin', Roy – "

"Johnny, what happened?"

"Look, we were on a run and I just thought I'd stop by, see how you were doin', finally, 'cause, shit, Roy, we'd been so damn busy all day that I hadn't had one chance to stop by and see —"

"John Roderick Gage, now I can smell the gasoline and the blood on ya. Hell, I can see it all over you."

He looked down at his uniform and surprise lit his face, like he saw himself for the first time.

"Huh. Thought I took my turncoat off…"

"Johnny…"

He sauntered away and looked out the window then turned and sat on the ledge. "We got called out to a, um, to a TA. You know, it's kinda funny. It's about all we've had all day... Well, except for that cliff rescue. By the way, Dr. Early said she'd slipped into a coma. They don't think her chances are very good."

I thought about saying something, but I knew he'd just jump on it and use that as an excuse not to talk about it. And considering how much he was avoiding talking about it, I figured it must've been the worst kind of run there is. Which was even more reason for him to talk about it.

"Chet said that the Engine crew oughta get a rescue bonus in their paychecks for today for doin' nothin' but rescue support." That smile swept across his face like a spring drizzle and then disappeared. But I knew that look on his face. _Dammit_…

"Kids…"

He nodded again and sniffed, swiped his eyes and rubbed his nose.

"Drunk driver?"

He traipsed back over to the side of my bed. "Would you believe it wasn't? For once? The one run all day that wan't even wind-related, either." A kind of sickened huff of breath that was meant to be a sarcastic laugh came out of him. He came and stood next to the bed and started absently playing with the sheet. I could feel the electricity from him.

"Cab driver was taking a family to the airport. From how the wife described it, Gil and I figured the driver suffered a…MI right there on the road. Crossed the center line and plowed right into a…full tanker on its way to fill up the stations. Both the driver and the dad were killed almost instantly. Got the mom out. All three kids survived, but two were still unconscious when we got there. Got the one kid out – she was the conscious one and she was closest. But, uh…we just…we couldn't…couldn't get to the other two before…. And then we lost _her_ on the way in. She just…bled out. Right there in the ambulance. I just…I couldn't stop it, Roy."

_Jesus Christ_…

He scratched his eyebrow with the back of his thumb. "Cap's stood us down till the mornin', but he said he'd extend it, depending on how we are when the wake-up tones go off. I don't think any of us are gonna be gettin' any sleep, anyhow."

"Johnny, I'm sorry…" I wanted to reach out and grab his fingers, to touch him.

He looked up at me with sad eyes and flashed a reassuring smile that made his expression seem even sadder. "Not your fault."

"Yeah, I know. I just wish…"

"What? That you were there? Hell, Roy, I wouldn't wish that on anybody."

"I wouldn't wish it on you, either, partner."

"Look, don't worry about it, okay? I'm fine."

"Uh huh." I suddenly realized I had no idea who he'd been partnered with all day. Shared experience bonds people and when it's tragic, like this one obviously, was, it's usually your partner you turn to, first, to help start the healing process. I could only hope for Johnny's sake… "How's Brice dealing with it? Very precisely and by the book, no doubt."

"Brice? What're you talking about?"

"Oh. I'd assumed you gotten stuck with Brice, all day."

A genuine smile finally brightened his face. "Oh, yeah, that's right. You didn't know. Well, of course, you didn't know, we hadn't had time to stop by all day."

"So who'd you get teamed up with?"

"Gil Robinson, believe it or not!"

"No kiddin'!" I felt relieved. He'd be a good influence on my partner for a run like that. I suddenly felt like I could relax for the first time since the hang glider rescue, this morning, er, yesterday morning. _Was it almost 24 hours already?_ My partner was in good hands and he was gonna be okay.

"He said to say 'hi'. Said he'd try to come by if we get another run, tomorrow, er, today. He's, uh, downstairs, stayin' with the mom for awhile, until they can get a hold of someone to come stay with her."

"That's good…"

"Yeah, it's gonna be real rough on her."

"I'm glad Gil's gonna stay with her. I mean, it's good he's doing that."

"Yeah. She could really use a shoulder right now."

We locked eyes.

I blinked, trying to keep my eyes open.

I felt it, then. His hand on my chest. Every nerve in my body jumped and left me trembling.

"Johnny…" I whispered.

"Ssshhh…" he whispered back. "Go back to sleep."

"Johnny, I'm sorry…" _For…feeling like this. For not…being able to stay awake to help…_

His thumb moved gently, caressing me. I tried to move my hand to touch him, but my body felt leaden, sleep pulling at me.

"Go back to sleep, Roy," he said again.

And my mind obeyed, even while the rest of me was singing…


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"_DeSoto residence."_

"_Heeey, pardner! You made it home, finally."_

"_Oh hi, Johnny. Yeah. Finally. Maybe now I can get some sleep."_

"_Well at least until the kids get home from school."_

"_No way. Joanne told me she gave them strict orders not even to whisper when they get home, today. She's even making me a surprise feast tonight for dinner."_

"_Aw, that's great, Roy! Um, listen, um…you uh, you gonna be home tomorrow morning, after shift?"_

"_Uh…yeah. Yeah, I should be. Why?"_

"_Um…well…I was kinda wonderin', um…I know this sounds kinda instrusive, but, uh, can I, uh, can I come over? Tomorrow morning, I mean. There's, uh, there's something I need to talk to you about."_

_Silence._

"_Roy? You there?" More silence. "Roy?"_

"_Yeah…Johnny, I'm here. Sorry. Um…well, we're on the phone right now. Can't you just, you know, tell me now?"_

"_Uh, well, I'd…I'd like to…um, but I can't."_

"_Why not? You in the kitchen?"_

"_No, no, I'm in the dorm."_

"_Well, you should have some privacy, then—"_

"_Roy, look, I know I'm inviting myself over, but I'd really rather talk to you at home."_

_(pause) "Well, maybe we can meet early before next shift?"_

"_No, I don't want to do that. I don't want to wait that long."_

"_Well…can you at least tell me what's it about?"_

"_No, I don't want to do that, either. Not over the phone."_

_Silence._

"_Roy…?"_

"_I was really kinda hoping to get some decent shut-eye."_

"_I know…I know… Look, I'll make it real quick, okay?"_

"_Well if you're gonna make it fast, why can't you just tell me now—?"_

"_Roy, I told you, I don't want to do that. Not over the phone." _

_Silence._

"_I can bring breakfast for you and Joanne."_

_Silence._

"_Roy…?"_

_A sigh. "Yeah, alright. Fine. Joanne's gonna be at her mother's most of the morning. Just come on over after shift. I'll…make us some breakfast."_

"_You sure?"_

"_You're not giving me a whole lotta choice."_

"_Yeah…I know. Sorry. Okay, then, tomorrow morning."_

"_Alright. 'til then."_

**Johnny:**

I wasn't entirely sure it was a good idea.

I mean, after that hang glider rescue, worryin' about my partner, then that poor family in that cab yesterday morning, it was two days of the busiest shift I've ever done, and man, was I _beat_. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep.

But that's not what I was thinkin' about when I was thinkin' it wasn't a good idea.

I pulled up to Roy's house, thinkin' about…what'd happened on that cliff…my hand on his chest in the hospital yesterday morning and…how that'd felt. And wonderin'…how _he_ felt about it.

See, all day yesterday, I'd been wafflin' over whether it was just something _I_ was feeling or whether it was mutual. I guess since _I_ was feelin' something that I was kinda hopin' he was, too. But that didn't mean it was true. I mean, I might've figured that something that I _thought_ was between us was really _me_ assuming there was something or misreading something, or… somethin'.

Or there really was something going on between us.

But I guess now wasn't the time to think about that. Two shitty days on shift and my brain just couldn't hold a thought together for more than two seconds.

_Alright, look, just…concentrate on why you're here. Just don't think about anything else. _

I wanted to warn Roy about Cap, that's why I'd stopped by. In light of our professional careers, I figured it was best to let him know before he came back on shift, just in case there really _was_ something going on with him.

But whatever the case I guess I was about to find out.

I smelled that incredible smell of bacon fryin' and heard the doorbell sound inside the house, followed by a loud, girly yell, "I got it!"

"Jennifer DeSoto, what did I say about yelling?" Heh. Joanne.

"Sorry, Mom. I'll get it."

The door opened to a bright and shiny pony-tailed little miss dressed smartly, with a killer smile like her Momma. "Hi Uncle Johnny! Come in," she gestured.

"Well, thank you very much. And why aren't you in school, young lady?" I asked as I walked in, closed the door and inhaled the smell of bacon, again.

"Mom's about to take us. We were waiting for the bus but it never came. Mom found out it broke down and they'd sent another one but Mom's impatient."

"I'll say. School's started already."

"I don't mind."

"Yeah, I'll bet. Where's your Dad?"

"In the kitchen."

"Okay." I bent down and held my hands out, "You want a ride?"

"I'm too old for that!"

"You're _eight_, you are _not_ too old for a ride! C'mon, hop on." Not only does she look like her mother, but she gives _looks_ like her mother. "Better take the opportunity before we _both_ get too old to do this for much longer."

"Okay," she smiled. I bent down and she clambered on. I groaned a bit as I stood up, realizing she was heavier than the last time we did this, and I piggy-backed her across the living room. "He's here, Dad," I heard her voice in my ear as we got to the kitchen.

**Roy:**

I kinda jumped a little bit when I heard Jenny say that.

Alright. That's not entirely accurate. I mean, yeah, I did jump a little when I heard her voice, 'cause I was holding the toaster over the sink, trying to empty out all the burnt pieces stuck inside of it and she'd kinda startled me a little.

But it wasn't her voice that'd startled me.

I'd been home almost 24 hours, since Dr. Rees had released me late yesterday morning, and I'd tried to immerse myself in _real quality_ _time_ with my wife and my kids. Whatever the concussion had done, whatever the lack of sleep had exaggerated was out of my system and I was back to normal. At least that's what I'd been hoping.

But ever since my phone conversation with Johnny, yesterday I dreaded his arrival. I mean, I couldn't believe that whatever he had to tell me was so urgent that he couldn't tell me on the phone or wait until I got back on shift. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was insistent on coming over. I figured it was best to let him have his way so we could get this over with. It wasn't until after I'd talked to him that it occurred to me that I really wasn't looking forward to him coming over…because of how much I really was.

I couldn't help it.

I didn't realize until I'd hung up that I'd been hip-deep in Mistake No. 5.

Or it might've been Mistake No. 27, by now…

After finally being home and fully recovered, I'd convinced myself that whatever I'd been experiencing, as far as Johnny was concerned, was entirely over.

What I dreaded was that it really wasn't.

And I knew it.

I heard Jenny announce that he was here…and I turned around and about dropped the toaster onto the floor as they entered the kitchen.

I stared at my daughter hanging onto my partner's neck…

…and I was back on that cliff, again, holding on to him…as we dangled off the cliff…

…I felt him, his warmth, his heartbeat, his hand cradling the back of my head…

…his hand on my chest, lulling me to sleep…

My body tingled all over again.

_Damn it_... _This can't be happening…_

**Johnny:**

There was a weird look on Roy's face as we got into the kitchen. That same look I'd seen in the ambulance and at the hospital. I bent down to let Jenny down and didn't think about it until it was too late. She slid down my left side right across the lacerations that were still healing from that glider rescue. I flinched and grabbed her and held her away from me.

I guess Roy musta seen the look on _my_ face because he dropped the toaster with a crash onto the counter and grabbed her from me.

"Johnny, you okay?"

"Yeah," I hissed, holding my left side.

"Sorry, Uncle Johnny," I heard that sad little voice.

"Oh, honey, no, it's not your fault. It's really not, okay?" I looked her right in the eye so she'd understand that it really wasn't her fault.

"Uncle Johnny's a little sore from a rescue, that's all," Roy answered. "Listen, go upstairs and tell Mom that Uncle Johnny's here, okay?"

"'kay." She looked at me for a bit and then off she went.

I hiked my shirt up to check the injuries and felt Roy grab my shirt and my shoulder. "Here, let me take a look."

I felt somethin' go through me at how gentle his voice and his hands were. I looked at him but he was already hunched down peering at the wounds. His fingers graced my skin around the lacerations and I flinched. Damn, if he didn't just launch my body into overdrive.

"Sorry."

_Jesus, Roy_… "No, no. My fault. Just a little tender, I guess."

A look of worry crossed his face then he eyed the kitchen light above the table.

"Here, why don't you take your shirt off? It's getting in the way of the light."

I shucked my shirt and he palpated my injuries again and the thought that I had been thinkin' right as I was drivin' up ripped through my mind, again: maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Now, mind you, there's really no reason that his checkin' me shoulda been a bad idea. I mean, he _is_ my partner and we _are_ paramedics. We've gotten into and seen each other outta all _kinds_ of scrapes. It's natural that we'd check up on each other. I mean, we always do, anyhow. This was really no different.

Yet it was…but I couldn't fathom _why_ it was – _how_ it got to be different. What happened on that cliff that…seemed to have changed everything?

His eyes roamed up. He saw my arm and his face scrunched up, "Hey, what is this?"

"What?" I asked, twisting my arm tryin' to look at where he was lookin'.

"How'd you get this bruise? This wasn't from the hang glider rescue, was it?" he stood up and twisted my arm up so that my elbow was up in the air and he gingerly palpated around the bruise on my triceps.

"Oh, that. Yeah. Did that at the station after I left you at Rampart the other day. Tried to get out of the Squad and about hit the floor, instead. My hand slipped when I tried to grab the door and my hand went right through the window. Door caught me right up in here."

"You have Gil or the docs at Rampart take a look at you?" he brought my arm back down, but he started pokin' around the deltoids and my shoulder.

"Yeah, Gil took a look. I iced it and it's all okay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Roy."

"You can move okay? You're not—?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay, Roy. It was stiff for awhile, but I can move it." I moved my arm around to prove I could.

"Okay..."

I still felt his fingers on my arm and I looked down. I saw him gently caressing my shoulder, down my biceps, like he was trying to heal the bruise with a tender touch. I looked at him. He was looking at my arm, a frown on his face.

Our eyes met. His fingers slipped off my arm.

We just looked at each other…

Joanne's voice cut sharply across Chris and Jenny's arguing upstairs and I was suddenly aware of where I was. I looked away from him, feelin'…like I'd been caught smokin' behind the school or something.

I put my shirt back on and Roy went to rescue the toaster. But when I looked over at him, he was just holding it. He wasn't moving.

"Roy?"

He blinked, looked at me with his eyes kinda blank and he wavered. "What?"

I took the toaster from him, grabbed him by the arm and steered him to the chair. "Siddown. Are you okay?"

**Roy:**

_No… _"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."

"You get dizzy or something?"

_Sure. Okay. I'll go along with that_. "Yeah, just a little. I think I turned too fast."

I'm not entirely sure why I touched him like that. It just seemed a natural extension of the examination. But seeing that bruise on his arm and thinking back to that cliff rescue just brought forth something in me…I really cared about my partner.

I guess more than I thought I did.

"Okay, well, just sit here and let me finish what you were doin' 'fore I got here."

"Okay."

Ordinarily, I would protest that idea, but I had to admit, it just wasn't a good idea for me to be around a hot stove, just then. I think, for once, I managed to avoid an actual Mistake by doing that. Although, I suppose it didn't need to be said that I'd just tumbled headlong into Mistake No. 6.

Johnny looked around the stove and the counter and then turned back to me, "Okay, uh, what exactly were you doin'?"

"Uh… Oh, I was about to set the table for us before I got sidetracked with the toaster. Bacon's done. Coffee's done. Poured a cup for you, already. I was just about to get to the eggs and toast."

_And then maybe go see a shrink_. I hadn't expected that simply touching him was gonna knock me over. Although, how was I supposed to know? I mean, it's not like we don't ever examine each other. We do that a fair bit on the job. But I gotta tell ya, it wasn't unlike that moment on the top of the cliff when he'd asked if I needed him to make that pack for me - I was afraid I was gonna topple right off the cliff. And that's about the same position I felt like I was in, right then, too.

_Holy Hannah_…

**Johnny:**

I set the plates down for us. "Okay, well, uh let me do 'em. You just stay right there, okay? You want two? Scrambled or over-easy?"

"Uh…two, yeah. Over-easy sounds good."

"Alright." I started gettin' the eggs on for us and dunked the bread in the toaster.

I had to really concentrate on what I was doin' just to keep from gettin' bogged down in thinkin' 'bout what'd just happened.

_Grab the plates. Set the plates down on the table. Grab the eggs. What was it he wanted again? That's right, over-easy. Oh man! Keep your head on, Gage. Alright, crack the egg. Put the shells in the rubbish. Crack the second egg. Put the shells in the rubbish..._

I had to do it exactly like that 'cause I was afraid to allow myself to think about his fingers on my shoulder. Hell, I could still feel him. Just…real gentle… _Shit, Roy_… _Alright, quit it, Gage, or you're gonna be in serious trouble! Okay, now look, just grab the pepper. Grab the spatula. Scoot the eggs off the bottom to keep 'em from stickin'…_

We heard the herd of footsteps clunking down the stairs, and, I swear, I'd never been so happy at a distraction in all my life. Joanne was lookin' a bit worried at me while she corralled the kids in front of her, "Hey, there Johnny, how are you doing?"

"Oh, hey Joanne, I'm okay, I'm okay."

We both eyed the kids as they fussed with puttin' their sandwiches into their lunchboxes. She grabbed my hand, smiled and squeezed, "I'm glad to hear it." Then she turned her attention to Roy with an irritated look on her face, "Roy, why are you making him cook?"

"I'm…I'm not!" His hands spread out in self-defense. "He just walked in and took over."

"Uh huh." She grimaced at me, "If you're worried about the concussion, I think he's fine. Don't let him pull the 'poor me' routine on you, okay?"

I about laughed. "I think he only does that to you, Joanne. Between the both of us, I think you're the one with that 'special touch'.

**Roy:**

I about spewed my coffee everywhere.

She made circles on my back as I coughed, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just took a bigger sip than I meant to, I guess." I was trying not to blush as I cleaned myself up.

"Okay. You need anything else from the store?"

_Dammit. Joanne, how is it you always seem to end up leaving when I need you the most…?_

"No. No, honey."

She grabbed the grocery list. "Okay. Don't forget, I'll be at Mom's all day after I drop off the kids so I'll see you later this afternoon. Oh, and were you gonna call those contractors about the roof?"

"The roof?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah. All that wind the other day ripped off a bunch of shingles. I need to call around and see about getting them fixed."

Joanne gave my partner a kiss on the cheek, "Johnny, you take care, alright? Kids, say good-bye to your father and your uncle Johnny."

Jenny and Chris, more Jenny than Chris, gave me a hug and a good-bye kiss, my wife kissed me and I made sure I let it linger for as long as I could manage without perking up her ears. She thumbed her lipstick off my mouth and they were gone.

And I was alone.

With my partner.

_Fantastic_…

Alright, the only way to counteract this emotional crisis I seemed to be stuck in was logic. Nothing ever went wrong by following logic and sticking with the facts, so I decided to do just that.

"So what'd you need to see me about that couldn't wait till I got back to work?"

Little did I realize at that moment how much weight that question packed.

**Johnny:**

I finished up his eggs and toast, handed 'em over then started on mine.

"Well, it may very well be nothing. But I didn't want to take a chance on that in case it really was something. Not that I want to get you all worked up over anything in the event that it really is nothing."

**Roy:**

I froze in mid-bite and my heart about beat straight out of my chest. In retrospect, he could've been talking about the weather or even Marco's bald spot. But considering where my head had been at for the past couple of days – or, at least, where I was trying to keep it from - I started to feel a kind of panic rising in my gut.

I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to handle the next bite of my breakfast, what with all the butterflies in my stomach all of a sudden.

"Okay… Well, uh, I guess just start when you're ready."

_Better yet, let me get drunk and pass out and then you can tell me…_

**Johnny:**

I put my eggs on my plate, turned off the stove, grabbed my toast out of the toaster and sat down at the table.

"Okay, so yesterday…" I stopped and thought about it. "No, the day before yesterday, when I got back to the station after leaving you at Rampart, Cap asked me something."

**Roy:**

He started to chow down, full throttle.

I couldn't believe it.

He does this to drive me crazy.

He starts off with this announcement that always comes across as dire and imminent and then he stops to stuff his mouth.

One of these days, right before we get four days off, I'm gonna tell him that I'm thinking of doing something _really_ important that will affect him. And then I'll get in my car and drive off.

**Johnny:**

_These eggs aren't half bad if I do say so myself…!_

He grimaced at me, "Well, what'd he ask you?"

"I'm gettin' to it! I'm gettin' to it! I _am_ starvin', you know."

"I noticed."

I guess there was no more puttin' it off. I really wasn't comfortable asking him this, but, like I said, I didn't want him to get blindsided by Cap, either. Only problem was, the very act of telling him might make the whole thing seem bigger than it really was. But _not_ saying something might make it seem like it's nothing when it really could be something. I figured I'd rather chance it that it might be big and hope it really was somethin' small. "Alright. He asked if I thought there was something 'unusual' going on with you."

He stopped in mid-bite and looked at me kinda worried. "What do you mean 'something unusual going on with me'?"

"That's what _I_ wondered. You got any juice?"

"Yeah, there's some fresh OJ in the fridge."

I grabbed the pitcher and poured us both a glass.

"So what'd he say?"

"Well, I asked what he meant by 'unusual'. He said he wasn't sure, but he was askin' because he thought it was kinda weird that you'd gotten injured as badly as you did twice in the same week. Thought maybe somethin' was goin' on here at home maybe with Joanne or the kids."

**Roy:**

_That was it? That was the big mystery?_ I felt a wave of relief, like the time I found my wedding ring after a week without telling Joanne I'd lost it. That seemed like a fairly easy remedy compared to what I was worried Johnny was gonna tell me. "What'd you tell him?"

**Johnny:**

"I said I didn't think so. I mean, it's not like I expect you to tell me everything and I suspect you prob'ly don't, especially when it involves Joanne or the kids. But sometimes I can tell when something's bothering you, _especially_ if it involves Joanne or the kids, even if you don't tell me outright. But you never told me anything like that and you didn't seem bothered by anything at all when I came back from vacation."

**Roy:**

I wasn't sure I followed all of that but I think it made sense. "Yeah."

"'Yeah', what?"

"I mean, yeah, you're right. I don't always divulge every little thing."

"And I don't expect you to. I mean, _I_ don't. We may be best friends and all but I don't tell you everything that goes on in my life and I don't expect you to tell me everything that goes on in yours, either. But I just wanted to warn you in case something _was _going on with you, or you and Joanne, or you and the kids, or you, Joanne _and_ the kids—"

"I get it."

"You know what I mean. I mean, Cap doesn't miss much, you know. He may not say anything, but he doesn't miss much."

"Yeah, I know."

He finished eating, pushed his plate away and settled back against the chair. "Well, then…let me ask you…as your partner… 'cause I have to admit, Roy, I guess Cap does kinda have a point."

"Why? Because I turned into you for a week?"

That didn't come out right. He scowled at me and he looked a little hurt and, well, frankly, I didn't blame him.

"Sorry, Johnny, that didn't come out the way I meant it. I wasn't suggesting that you—"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he sighed.

"Johnny—"

"Yeah, I know, Roy, I'm an accident waiting to happen." He rubbed his forehead and leaned his elbows on the table.

It hurt me to know that he might assume that that's how I think of him. It's not. "I didn't say that."

"Didn't have to," he said softly.

_Shit._ "Johnny, look at me."

It took him a moment, but he finally did.

"That's not what I said and that's not what I meant. Okay, sure, maybe you are a little accident-prone but it's not because you're stupid or clumsy or what have you. You're a helluva rescue fireman and one helluva paramedic. You get in there and get the job done. You get hurt a lot because you risk a lot to help _other people_. And you're damned good at it. The helping part, I mean."

He snorted a laugh and actually managed to look sheepish, "Yeah, I…I get it."

"Look, I'll make you a deal. You don't put words in my mouth and I'll stop landing in the hospital. Okay?"

He smiled, "Okay. Deal."

"Now as far a Cap is concerned, those incidents were pretty unusual in and of themselves, don't you think? I mean, how many high angle hang glider rescues do we do in a week? And no one expects their partner to just up and—"

A thought flashed through my head, right then. But it was too fast, too quick for me to grasp onto and hold it long enough for me to remember it. _Something…about that_…

Johnny reached over, grabbed a banana, and started peeling. "Well, you're right about that. I mean, I'm glad Cap put Dunning on suspension, 'cause I'll tell you one thing - that was entirely inexcusable, what he did. You know, it makes me wonder whether his shiftmates were at all surprised that he'd gotten suspended. I mean, I wonder, were they ever worried about whether he had their backs?"

"Yeah…does make you wonder…" I'd only half-heard what Johnny'd said. I was trying to recreate my thought process in the hopes that that lightning bolt of a thought would return, but I couldn't conjure it up again.

The conversation lulled for a bit. I guess both of us were lost in our own thoughts.

"Roy?" he finally said, real quiet and he waited until I looked at him. "_Is_ there somethin' else that happened with Dunning that I don't know about?"

I stopped in mid-thought, not sure what he was getting at, although I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was trying to get at _something_. Or maybe he just thought there was something to get at.

"No— No, nothing else happened with Dunning," I said, trying to sound definitive to erase the doubt in his voice. "The Marco and Chet Tennis Match Commentary was pretty much on the ball."

He nodded slowly. "And there's….nothin' going on?" he said quietly.

He didn't look at me when he asked and that about told me what he was really asking. I think I about fainted. My vision started swimming. I felt my whole body start to buzz a little. I couldn't look him in the eye.

He rotated his glass of orange juice, staring at it without really seeing it, "I mean, like I said, it's not like you have to tell me, if you don't want to – "

"No…Johnny. There's…there's nothing going on."

…_between me, Joanne, or the kids…that is_…

**Johnny:**

"Are you sure?"

And to be completely truthful, I wasn't sure I knew what I was asking.

"Yeah, I'm…I'm sure."

Well, for two people who were awfully damn sure about something, we certainly tried _real_ _hard_ not to look each other in the eye about it. Oh, don't get me wrong, we sat there eyein' each other to see if the other one was gonna look directly at the other one, which neither one of us did.

"Okay, well, um…look, I just wanted to kinda forewarn you about Cap."

He smiled. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

A full breakfast on top of bein' sleepy wasn't helpin' me stay awake by a long shot. I stretched and yawned and realized I'd better move 'fore I fell asleep right there in the kitchen. I grabbed the dishes, set them in the sink, then grabbed the dish sponge, but he was on top of me in a flash.

"Johnny, you don't have to do that. I'll get it. Don't worry about it."

"Well I don't wanna just the leave this whole mess for you to clean up –"

"It's all right. I've got the house to myself with no plans for the day. It'll give me something to do."

I stretched and yawned, again. "Okay, if you're sure. I've done my proverbial duty. I guess I really have to get home and get to sleep. I think that breakfast did me in."

**Roy:**

"Well, listen, are you sure you're okay enough to drive?"

"No." He fished in his pocket for his keys.

"Johnny, look, why don't you just sleep here. I mean Joanne and the kids'll be gone for the next several hours. You can take a nap, here, then head home."

"I'm okay, Roy, I'm okay."

"You just told me you don't feel okay enough to drive. And, frankly, I'm not so sure I want Brice as my partner while you recover from plowing your car into a tree. C'mon, you can sleep on the couch."

"No, no, I'm okay, Roy. I'm awake just enough to get home. Besides," he continued, holding up a hand as I made to grab his arm to haul him to the couch, "the coffee'll keep me awake the rest of the morning, anyway."

I looked at him dubiously. "Alright. But you call me when you get home. If that phone doesn't ring, I'm calling you until you answer. You are going straight home, right?"

"Yep. Straight home." We started walking toward the door.

"No stops to the store or nothin'? You don't have to get gas? Pick up your dry cleaning?"

He smiled a little, "Roy, I'm not gonna stop anywhere, okay? Would you quit worryin'?"

"Just lookin' out for my partner."

He stepped out the door, looked at me, and a lopsided smile spread across his features. I wasn't altogether sure what that look on his face meant.

Alright, truth be told, I knew exactly what it meant. That one look from him seemed somehow to confirm what I'd been hoping up till now was the result of 'concussive delusion'. But I guess it wasn't a delusion. Whatever had happened in the ambulance, or maybe even up on that cliff, really had happened…

…and it wasn't one-sided…

"Thanks for the warning about Cap."

"Hopefully, he won't make nothin' of it." He headed to his car.

"Guess I'll find out in a couple of days. See you on shift. And call me when you get home."

"Yeah, I know, I know," he looked a little sheepish, donned his shades then slid into the driver's seat.

I watched him drive off and closed the door feeling…_what?_ That sensation I'd felt at the hospital when I hadn't seen him all day was back. It wasn't loneliness. Not exactly. But I couldn't put my finger on it… I cleaned up the kitchen while I waited for him to call, which he did about 15 minutes later. I felt like I needed to keep him on the line for as long as I could, make it…count for something. That seemed ridiculous, so I kept it short for his sake.

I finally settled in my recliner to read the paper. That lasted about half a minute.

There was something in the air – a sense of exhilaration, a kind of…buzzing underneath the stillness and the quiet.

The neighborhood was real quiet. Even that prop plane that usually flies around this time of the morning hadn't come around.

I heard a loud, piercing chirping coming from the backyard. It seemed extra loud in the quiet and I found I couldn't ignore it.

I finally put the paper down and got up to go to the back room to see if I could find the source. Chris and Jenny had asked for a birdbath to be put in the backyard a few years ago and recently, there'd been a pair of cardinals that loved to perch on the rim or hang out in the avocado tree and warble. There it was, the male, perched on the rim, chirping away. I just sat there and watched it take a dip in the bath, hop back up, flutter its feathers and then wipe its beak on the rim. It was like those days in the Fall that I remember when Joanne and I were kids. A thousand thoughts started going through my head - of lazy summer days, all those adventures down by the stream with my pals, hanging out at the arcade with Joanne.

The fierce Santa Ana winds had died down considerably, but there was still quite a breeze out there. I peered up to check the weather. The gray sky muted the light everywhere. The female cardinal arrived to the bath where she took her turn. Then the male flew up to the neighbor's tree while she stayed at the bath. The breeze kicked up, leaves falling around like rain, driven by the light wind. The quiet of the house seemed to mirror the peace outside.

A sense of nostalgia came over me, but…it was different than other times I've experienced it. I was unsure whether I was feeling a sense of loss or anticipation for the future.

A hundred memories and thoughts of the future all collapsed in on each other – of Joanne and how we grew up together; memories of old friends and times gone by; life in the Army that seemed a thousand lifetimes ago; the guys at the Station and how much like a family we'd all become; and Johnny and the thousand situations we've been through together…and all the future ones yet to come.

The breeze had calmed for a moment and the leaves were no longer falling from the tree.

_Falling_…

That rescue under the bridge came back to me, when Johnny crawled along to get to the frightened epileptic boy who was too scared to come down. The boy'd gone into a seizure and he and Johnny fell. If I hadn't secured him…

_I wonder what made me think of that?_

Then the sun broke through the gray sky and I could see a shaft of sunlight coming into the yard. But the cardinals were gone.

I padded back to the living room, sat in my chair and picked up the paper again.

The house was quiet. The street was quiet.

I tried to read where I'd left off but my mind was still reeling with that buzzing excitement. Whatever was in the air was still there.

_He stepped out the door, looked at me, and a lopsided smile spread across his features. _

I couldn't wait to get back on shift.

_[Two days later]_

**Roy:**

I'd found myself thinking about Johnny the rest of the days off. Not just thinking about him, wanting to be around him.

I put the coffee pot on the stove and turned to head to the locker room to change into my uniform when Cap walked in, "Mornin', Cap."

"Mornin', Roy." He shoved his hands in his pockets, "Listen, uh, can I talk to you? In the office?"

My stomach churned for a second. "Yeah. Sure, Cap." I guess Johnny was right and I was suddenly glad he'd insisted on coming over to the house that morning. I followed Cap to the office.

"Shut the door, will you?"

_Uh oh._ _I hope this isn't worse than what Johnny was lead to believe_… I shut the door and he gestured for me to sit in his chair while he sat on the corner of the other desk.

"How's, uh, how's the concussion? All better?"

I snapped my fingers and stood up. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good to go. I got Dr. Rees' follow-up note in my locker, I can go get it—"

"Later, Roy," he gestured for me to sit, so I did. "And the, uh, the burns?"

"Oh, they're healing okay."

"Good, good… You're all healed up from that hang glider rescue? Lacerations on your back are healing okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, Cap, everything's healing just fine. I'm good to go for duty."

"That's good, that's good."

The silence stretched and I fidgeted in my chair, knowing full well he wasn't finished but hoping like hell he was. "Uh, Cap, was…was that it?"

"Uh, no, Roy."

He rubbed the side of his nose, a gesture he makes sometimes when he needs to bring something up that he's not all that comfortable with.

"Roy, can I ask you a personal question?"

I shifted in my seat. I know Johnny warned me that this was coming, but I still felt a jolt of panic at the question. "Uh…yeah, sure Cap."

"Is there, uh, anything going on with you lately? Anything at home or on the job, maybe, that's been distracting you, at all?" He put his hands up just as I was about to answer. "Before you say anything, I'm only asking because I'm a little concerned at the injuries you've sustained this past week. If it were Gage, I'd consider it par for the course. But it's unlike you to follow in your partner's footsteps and I just thought I'd ask if everything was okay up in your neck of the woods."

"Oh, yeah, Cap. Everything's fine. Just a string of unusual incidents, I guess."

"You sure?"

I almost laughed with relief. "Yeah, I'm…I'm sure, Cap."

"Okay. You know you can come to me at any time with _anything_. I mean that."

He looked pointedly at me and I felt a genuine concern from him. "I know, Cap. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."

"Okay. Roll call in five, okay?"

"Okay, Cap."

I headed across the bay to the locker room with the echoes of that conversation bouncing around in my head.

**Johnny:**

I'd spent the last coupla days tryin' to keep busy, tryin' to keep from thinkin' about Roy.

I went with Marco to help him look for a new car and I hung out with a coupla the other rescue guys – Reid Zimmer from 24s and my ole rescue partner, Tony Freeman over at 10s - for a day of rock climbing. Yeah, I know, not the best thing after what Roy and I went through, but I was outvoted.

Thing was, I couldn't be busy like that 24 hours a day. Don't get me wrong. I had great fun with those guys! But I really missed my partner.

I started puttin' my stuff in my locker, still feelin' his fingers trailin' down my shoulder…wantin' to feel it again…

**Roy:**

There he was, at his locker. Boy, the moment I walked in and saw him, my heart leaped.

"Well, welcome back, partner!" He was grinning from ear to ear, he was so excited to see me. Then he cleared his throat and looked at the ground, as if he was embarrassed at how excited he was. Especially since it'd only been two days since we saw each other.

He couldn't keep that grin off his face, though.

And that made me smile even more. I was happy to see him, too. Happy and…nervous. When I'd mentioned there was something in the air after he left – that feeling stayed with me in the intervening days. I just couldn't shake it. Wasn't sure I really wanted to…

His having stopped by the house seemed to have…shifted our relationship, a little.

That, maybe, was the wrong thing to wonder about because the flustered state I was in propelled me straight into Mistake No. 7…

We were putting our uniforms on. I looked over at him and he had this dopey grin on his face. Somehow, it made me feel goofier than I kinda already did.

I watched him doing up the buttons on his shirt and noticed they were all off by one.

**Johnny:**

I couldn't tell you why, but man, I was giddy seein' Roy again.

I guess it's because after almost _two weeks_, everything was _finally_ gettin' back to normal. There was my 10-day vacation then I came back only to watch my partner get his head cracked open by a hang glider and then those two harrowing days on shift, that, I swear, felt like a month. But, now, finally, my partner, my best friend, was okay, everything was behind us and things were back to normal.

Well…sort of…

I looked over at him – I just couldn't keep the grin off my face. He smiled and then…

…he stepped over to me and, without saying a word, he started undoing the buttons that I'd just finished buttoning.

I froze. I felt this electricity from him. "Uh…Roy…" I tried to keep my voice down as I looked at him, inches away from me. My whole body was tingling with how close he was and what he was doing. I smelled his aftershave, could feel his body heat.

"Your buttons are off," he whispered.

His voice in my ear nearly buckled my knees. "Oh..." I looked down and…felt woozy as this feelin' rushed through me – watchin' him unbutton my shirt.

**Roy:**

I noticed his breathing had gotten deeper and measured. Then I realized, so had mine. He was trembling and his hands lightly cupped my arms as I worked on the buttons. I knew he was looking at me, waiting, hoping for eye contact. I have no idea what had possessed me to be doing this. I deliberately kept my eyes on the buttons because I was worried about what would happen if I looked at him.

I got to the last button. At the bottom of his shirt.

I took my time, tried to make it seem like it was difficult to unbutton it. But I could only hold off the inevitable for so long.

My eyes met his.

Something passed between us.

"Hey, guys? Roll call!" came Chet's voice from the dorm.

We both jumped. Whatever…connection, I guess you could call it, that seemed to have passed between us was severed. I looked at my fingers holding on to the button on Johnny's shirt and realized that I'd just felt our partnership not only shift, but I think it had just jumped the tracks.

"Roy…" his voice whispered. Right in my ear.

I looked down and let go of his shirt, feeling myself trembling.I had to get out of there…"We'd better get to it."

**Johnny:**

And he walked off. Just like that.

_Jesus…Christ, Roy._

I couldn't move… I felt dizzy…

I sat down hard on the inside of my locker and tried to catch my breath. But I had to get to roll call. I leaned forward to haul myself up, but I…I just…I just couldn't do it. I leaned my head against the locker wall and tried to slow my breathing down 'fore I was gonna need a paper bag. But with the way the electricity was joltin' through my body, right then, it was gonna be awhile 'fore I could get my feet movin' so I could walk straight.

"John? Hey, John?" Marco. Comin' in from the dorm. I heard the door swing open and he appeared, lookin' at me with a frown on his face. "Hey, c'mon! Roll call. Cap's waitin'. Though I suppose there's no rush now, cause he's already given you latrine duty…."

I didn't move 'cept to look at him out of the corner of my eye.

The frown on his face darkened into worry, "Hey, are you okay?"

He didn't wait for an answer. He crossed to the door and held it open to the bay, "Cap! I think there's something wrong with John."

In the span of about half a breath, Cap's face was in front of mine and we were surrounded by the rest of the station. "John? You alright, pal? What's the matter?"

"Cap. Cap, I'm okay."

"Should we call in a still alarm – ?"

"You feelin' dizzy, John – ?"

"Maybe he tied his shoelaces too tight. Blood couldn't get to his brain—"

"Guys! I'm fine."

"Roy, you want to take a look at your partner?"

_No! _"No! No, Cap, I'm fine. Really. Honest!"

"Who saw him last – ?"

"I'm fine. Really!"

"I'll get the drug box – "

"I don't need the damn drug box. Now, will you guys – ? Look! Guys. Guys! I'm okay. I'm alright. I'm fine. I just got dizzy, is all."

"Well, what happened?"

"It was nothin', Cap."

"Nothin' my foot, John. I took one look at you and you were _pale_," Marco insisted.

"I was not – Look, I just went to tie my shoes –"

"I told you the shoelaces were too tight – "

"Shut up, Chet," I said.

Cap threw Kelly a look of annoyance, "Go on, John."

"Well, like I said, Cap, I just went to tie my shoes and I guess I just got up too fast an' I got dizzy, that's all."

I sought out Roy, who was standin' behind everybody lookin' at the ground.

"Okay, alright, everybody. Clear out and give him some air. Roy, check him out. I want to be sure you're both up for duty."

**Roy:**

"Okay, Cap. Uh, Johnny, wait here." I went out to get the trauma box feeling like I got caught stealin' from the cookie jar. The Engine crew were gettin' all lined up again and I just tried to make it seem like business as usual.

"Roy?"

"Yeah, Cap."

"You take him to Rampart if you think anything's off. That's an order."

"Uh, yeah, Cap. Okay."

I got back to the locker room and found Johnny still sittin' in his locker, but with his shirt buttoned up. I tried to avoid looking at him and concentrated on getting his BP.

I tried to keep my eyes down as he rolled up his sleeve. I put the cuff on him and started to get his vitals. It didn't escape my notice that he was trying not to look at me in the same way that I was avoiding looking at him.

'_You take him to Rampart if you think anything's off. That's an order.'_

Cap's order reminded me, like a kick to the head, of my talk with him in the office that morning. That whole conversation with Cap now had me rattled a little. I hadn't really expected it to affect me, especially with Johnny having given me fair warning. Although, maybe because of Johnny's warning, it'd gotten my mind racing in a thousand directions.

I guess what was bothering me was that if Cap thought that something was off on my end, when there honestly wasn't, what would he say if he found out I was…reacting to my partner the way I had been? Johnny was right on the money – Cap doesn't miss much, if anything at all. He can't afford to. He has to be on top of the physical and mental condition of his crew at all times or there could be serious consequences. He can't afford to take anything lightly.

And that's what had me rattled. If he makes the assumption that something's up at a time when it's not then for sure he's not gonna miss anything when something really is.

Clearly – something was happening between Johnny and me and if my perception was anything to go by, it was getting worse. Well, maybe 'worse' wasn't quite the word. Suffice to say, it was getting stronger and I was having doubts about our ability to work with each other if it continued in this direction.

I had to find a way to stop feeling like this and I had to do it now.

**Johnny:**

The minute I had the locker room all to myself, I did my shirt up as fast as I could get my fingers to work, let out a long breath and just sat there with my head in my hands. _What the hell just happened!_

I wasn't sure I wanted to think about what would've happened if Chet hadn't interrupted us. Which I guess is kinda silly, considerin' we seemed to be hedgin' toward _somethin'_. I guess something really was going on between us and it definitely wasn't one-sided. But even for all my thinkin' about Roy the last coupla days, that whole thing with my shirt just now caught me way off-guard.

I had to get my body calmed down, I could still feel myself trembling. _Alright, let's go over IV's in alphabetical order_:

Atropine.

_No, no, uh…hell, what's that one called…?_

Adenosine. _That's it. Adenosine. Okay, what's next?_

Amiodarone.

Atropine.

Calcium chloride.

D5W.

Diazepam.

Diphenhydramine.

Dopamine. _Aw hell. Man, I wish there was a way to get it all sucked outta my head, right about now_… _Alright, think! Think! What else?_

Epinephrine.

_Okay…F…F…oh man, think, dammit! C'mon, F! F!_

Furosemide.

_Furosemide. Good. Okay, uh….what else? G, H, I, J, K, L…L! Okay, there's a few that start with L…_

Lactated ringers.

_Okay, that's good. Lactated ringers, lactated ringers, what's after lactated ringers…?_

Lidocaine…

He walked back in. I shoulda told him to bring the drug box and hit me up with the lidocaine to knock me out from how embarrassed I felt.

"How're you feeling?"

I glanced at him but he was rummaging through the trauma box for the stethoscope and I wondered if he was askin' as Roy or as a paramedic.

"Okay. I guess."

We both tried real hard not to look at each other. At least he could pretend to be busy with the vitals. I mean, he had _that_ to hide behind. Me - I had to just _sit_ there and act like I wasn't _bothered_ by anything. He wrapped the BP cuff kinda slow, lookin' like he was thinkin' hard about something. He took my pulse then wiped his hands on his shirt and fidgeted a bit before tacklin' the last of the vitals. I was glad he'd gotten my pulse before the respirations, 'cause he woulda noticed my pulse had gone up the minute he laid his hand on my chest.

Though I knew he'd already figured that out.

He had his back to me as he put everything away. "Cap wanted to make sure I took you to Rampart if anything was off. Your vitals are fine, but if you feel like you need to go to Rampart…"

"No. No, I'm okay. Like I said, I think I just…moved too fast." I'd thought about bein' honest with him, that it really wasn't my shoes that had knocked me over, even though I knew he knew that.

He was tryin' to keep his distance - we both were. I think we both knew we almost crossed a line.

He nodded, stepped over the bench and grabbed the trauma box. "Okay. Well, then, I guess we'd better get to roll call."

"Okay." I got up, tucked my shirt in, closed my locker door, and followed my partner out to the bay.

**Roy:**

The Engine crew was still lined up. I put the trauma box away and stood on the opposite end of the line from my partner, which, fortunately, just so happened to be the end nearest the Squad.

"Everything okay, John?"

"I'm fine, Cap. I'm good to go."

"Glad to hear it. Now, if my paramedic team could stay out of medical trouble for the next 24 hours, you'll make your Captain a happy man."

"Uh, yes, sir," Johnny answered, amid snickering from the Engine crew. I had a feeling my partner looked right at me, but I kept my eyes on Cap. I'd already decided that I would put in for vacation to get the roof done and planned, right then, to tell Cap as soon as roll was over.

"Now, can someone fill in John and Roy on the chores?"

"I'll do it, Cap."

"Thank you, Mike. I waited to read off the announcements until everyone was here. First off and most important, due to budget constraints that I know you're all aware of, HQ has decided to institute a hiring freeze and will not accept paid vacation or overtime requests for the next six months, effective immediately."

_Fantastic._

_Mistake No. 7 was gonna hurtle me into a world of trouble…_


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Apologies for the wait. I had a number of Real Life issues come upon me that kept me from writing. I had anticipated that this would not be finished for another month, but, fortunately, things came together quicker than I had expected (Eureka!). Many thanks to all for their patience and muchas gracias to my beta reader.  
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**As always, Emergency! is the property of Mark VII and Universal. No copyright infringement is intended. All original characters are mine. Elements within this story are not to be used without my permission. [posted 8/7/12]  
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><p><strong>Chapter 11<br>**

**by Ariane Rivendell  
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**Roy:**

After Cap dismissed us, the Engine crew fell out of line and started for the kitchen to finish their coffees. It was kind of nice to have them as a buffer between Johnny and me during roll. I mean, considering what'd just happened…

Mike stayed behind to relay our chore assignments.

Johnny sauntered up closer to us and I did my best not to look at him. Frankly, I was dreading what our assigned chores for the day were going to be. Cap usually pairs us up, but as you can imagine, that probably wasn't the best thing to do, right now.

I was really hoping to get away from Johnny so that maybe whatever happened in the locker room would cool down.

**Johnny:**

"Alright, Mike. Lay it on us."

I was afraid Cap was gonna pair us up with dorm and latrine duty. I'm not so sure that would've been a good idea. Two of us? At one end of the station from everybody else? Alone? Nuh-uh. No way was that a good idea.

And from the way Roy was tryin' so hard not to look at me, I could tell he was worried about the same thing. I started thinkin' up tunes I could whistle while I did the chores so everybody would know just where I was at all times. Figured that'd keep me out of trouble.

**Roy:**

"Okay, Roy, you have the dorms…"

_Fantastic. _Exactly the assignment I was dreading, knowing what the other end of that was going to be.

"…and Gage, you've got the apparatus bay and the storage areas. The Engine crew is on clean-up and I need to flush out the pumps, so we're putting Big Red in the driveway."

_Talk about missing a bullet_… I smiled just to keep the sense of relief off my face.

Despite the hiccup of the morning, I was beginning to feel better about the rest of the day. And hoping that what'd happened between Johnny and me this morning was going to be the only thing to happen.

**Johnny:**

_Whew!_ The day was lookin' better, already.

I immediately made for the Squad to move her out of the bay while Roy went in to the dorm.

At first, I'd kinda envied Roy gettin' dorm duty. I wouldn't have minded that, myself. Away from the guys, time and space to get my thoughts together, maybe try to figure out what was _really_ goin' on with me 'n Roy.

But as I was moppin' the bay, I got to watch the Engine crew tidy up Big Red, watch Stoker run the pumps and get her in tip-top shape. It was nice to have that distraction; have somethin' else besides the worries over my partner bouncin' around in my head, for a change.

Made me kinda dread havin' that alarm go off at any minute. 'Cause then we'd be alone, again. And who knows what'll happen when _that_ happens.

**Roy:**

At first, I kind of envied Johnny's chore assignment – being able to be out there with all the guys and having that distraction.

But as I went through the dorm, changing all the bedding and doing the general clean-up, I was glad to have some time to myself and maybe try to figure out what to do, since taking time off was out of the question. Leave it to HQ to know exactly when and how to make my life miserable.

I'd remembered that something had crossed my mind back when Johnny stopped by the house to warn me about Cap, but I still couldn't remember what it was.

I backtracked over all the events of the last week – hoping it would trigger it back, but it still eluded me.

And I supposed I was going to have to let it continue to do so because the klaxons went off, just then.

"_Squad 51, child down. Roseview Park. 1121 Roseview St. 1-1-2-1 Roseview. Cross street Clemson. Time out: 0914."_

"Squad 51, 10-4. KMG-365."

_Oh no_. When I heard it was a child down, my heart immediately stopped. Considering what'd happened the last shift with Johnny losing that kid in the ambulance, I was a little worried for him.

As I left the dorm, I saw Cap hand Johnny the call slip.

"Thankfully, it's right down the street."

"Don't I know it," he said and off we went.

**Johnny:**

I had to admit, my heart kinda leaped into my throat when I heard Dispatch say 'child down'. A part of me was still reelin' from that run last shift with that family in the cab. When that young girl bled out on me…

After I'd left Roy that mornin', I met up with Gil, who was still sittin' with the mother until someone from her family arrived.

We spent some time talkin' and we talked about that kid he'd been helping when I first introduced him to Roy; that poor little kid who was waitin' for a kidney transplant. Gil and I talked about how hard it is when it's kids facing a life or death situation. It was good to talk to him about that and I think we kinda bonded in a way that we hadn't when he was training with us. Not that Roy wouldn't understand, I mean, he's got two kids of his own. But Gil said some things that kinda made me feel better after having lost that girl in the ambulance.

When the mother's sister had finally arrived, Gil and I returned to the station and the Engine crew was lookin' as shitty as we felt. Not one of us slept. Cap'd called for a debriefing but we'd all just kinda sat there in shock for a while and then, I guess, the conversation happened so gradually that we didn't know we were talkin' about it until we were talkin' about it. I don't think any of us realized that it was almost noon before we were all talked out and feelin' like we could face another day.

**Roy:**

His hands were gripping the wheel pretty tight. His lips were pressed into a thin line and his eyes were absolutely focused straight ahead, unblinking. Which pretty much told me he was looking at what was in his head and not the road.

"Johnny? Johnny!"

Blink. "What?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

_Uh-huh._

Any sort of 'person down' call is awfully tough to plan for. In fact, they're downright impossible. It could be anything from hyperventilation to a subdural hematoma. And with kids, sometimes it's even harder to guess. How old is the kid? What were they playing? Did they get hit by something? Did they get into something they weren't supposed to? Did they ingest something? Are they gonna be able to articulate any information to us? Is it some kind of undiagnosed congenital condition? Are they with a group of other kids who aren't gonna tell us anything because they're afraid of getting into trouble or are they with their families? Are the parents or guardians at the scene? Are they going to be hysterical or so in shock that they're calm but unable to communicate effectively? Are we going to be able to start an IV? And what if we can't and it's a critical situation? I think there are, literally, a thousand things that could bring a person down and an equal number of unknown factors that could be there, waiting for us. Trying to draw up a pre-plan on the way over is futile. You just have to wait to get there to figure it out as you go. But sometimes, there just isn't time to play detective, despite the very real fact that you don't have a choice not to.

Sometimes, though, even if you _feel_ you're okay, there's always the risk of having your own trauma being unexpectedly triggered by something at scene that can throw you off and even paralyze you. With this kind of open-ended, anything-goes type of call, there's just no room for personal issues. No matter what the reason.

"Why don't you let me take lead on this one?"

"Now, Roy–!" he started, a finger in the air.

His expression was pretty angry as he looked at me. But as he turned back to the road, his face screwed up and his eyes bounced a little between his window and the road. He sighed. "Yeah, okay."

_Uh oh_. An immediately submissive Johnny is not generally a good sign and I was glad I'd made the suggestion. Although, truth be told, if he'd started to fight me on it, I was prepared to make it an order.

As we drove up to the scene, we could see a crowd had gathered. There were kids in school uniform along with several teachers that were crowded around the pitcher's mound of the baseball diamond. One of the women – parent or teacher, I couldn't tell – had been waving at us frantically as we drove up. As we grabbed our gear she started yelling, her face flushed in a red-faced panic. "Help him! Oh my god, he's not breathing! Hurry!"

"Is it your son, ma'am?" I asked as we ran over.

"No! We've been trying to locate his parents. Hurry!"

A boy of about 10 from the small Catholic school across the street was on the ground. One of the adults was giving him CPR.

"What happened?" Johnny asked as he checked the pulse and I got the resuscitator on the boy.

"We were playing baseball. Nick, here, was pitching. He pitched the ball, Evan hit it and it struck poor Nick square in the chest and he dropped like a stone. At first it'd just seemed like he'd gotten the wind knocked out of him but then he just stopped moving. We called you guys right away."

"I'm not gettin' a pulse," Johnny reported as he took over CPR from the civilian.

I grabbed the paddles and laid them on the boy's chest.

"Johnny, he's in v-fib." I readied the paddles. "Clear!" Johnny moved and the poor kid's body launched itself off the ground. I think a couple of the women screamed.

I checked the scope: sinus rhythm.

_Thank goodness.._.

"Are his parents here, yet?" Johnny asked, laying the leads on the boy's chest and monitoring his vitals.

"They're on their way," someone answered.

"Here, can you hold this on him?" I asked the officer who'd just arrived and indicated the resuscitator. I grabbed the biophone, "Rampart, this is County 51."

"_Go head, 51."_ Dr. Allen.

"We have a male child, approximately 10 years old, about 60 pounds. He was hit in the chest by a batted baseball. He was in respiratory and cardiac arrest when we arrived. We defibrillated successfully times one and he is currently in sinus rhythm. We have him on 4 liters of O2. His parents are not on scene but they are on their way. We are ready to send a transmission, lead 2. Standby for vitals."

"_Standing by, 51."_

"Roy, pulse is 150, respirations are 26 and shallow. BP is 90 over 70."

I relayed the vitals. But we still had a problem…

"Rampart, the parents still haven't arrived, but the police are trying to get a hold of them. Ambulance is on scene."

"_Okay, 51. Bring him in, stat."_

"10-4, Rampart."

We got him packed and ready to go. "I'll ride in with him," Johnny said, but I grabbed his arm as he started to follow the gurney into the ambulance.

"Johnny, I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"I got it," Johnny said, and clambered in. I hesitated, still not convinced it was a smart idea. No matter how many kids he ever treats, he'll never be able to bring back that girl. But I knew that look on his face - he'd save that boy with his dying breath if he had to. Granted, if I hadn't been able to convert him from v-fib, I would've made it an order. If he could just keep him stable on the way to Rampart… "Johnny, hold on."

"Roy…!"

I grabbed the HT out of the Squad and handed it to him. "Take this. If the parents arrive, I'll let you know."

I could see his shoulders give a little. "Thanks."

I let him go.

So much for my taking the lead on the case.

The ambulance moved off and I was about to follow in the Squad.

"Roy?"

I turned to see the officer with a stricken and harried-looking couple with him.

"This here's Mr. and Mrs. Donald Selby. Their son, Nick, is the one you treated."

I quickly explained the situation, relayed their approval for IVs to Johnny in the ambulance and told them to meet us at Rampart General.

**Johnny:**

"Treatment 3," Dixie said as we wheeled the kid in.

We moved him in and then onto the bed. Drs. Allen and Morton were waitin' for 'im.

I stood by in case there was anything more I could do. Something was buzzing in my ear and I waved it away.

"Hey," I heard Roy's voice whisperin' in my ear. "Didn't you hear Dr. Allen? He said we can go."

"Oh. He did?"

"Yeah. He did. C'mon. Let's get some coffee."

But I couldn't take my eyes off the kid. Next thing I knew, Roy was grabbin' my arm and leading me out of the treatment room and over to Dixie's Bar. That's what we call that little corner of her world. Well, that's what Dwyer started callin' it and the name kinda stuck, but she does kinda seem like a bartender, at the neighborhood watering hole, y'know? She's got customers who come in with all kind of stories; she hears everything, sees everything, and knows when to dole out that sage advice o' hers and when a drink is what somebody needs most. Though I guess in her case, coffee's the poison of choice. I noticed she was talkin' to a couple of frantic parent-types further down the hall so Roy plunked me down on Dixie's chair.

I thought I heard the sound of coffee mugs or…something, but all I was seein' was that girl in the ambulance from the other day, bleedin' out on me… _Dammit!_

"Hey, hey…" I heard Roy's voice again, soft, in my ear. "Yeah, you're right. This isn't very good. Maybe the lounge is better," he said pretty loud and then his hand was on my arm and I was bein' hauled down the hall.

_Right? Right about what? What about the lounge? What're you talkin' about? An' where're we goin'? Funny, I don't remember hearin' the tones over the HT…_ "We get a run?"

"Not exactly."

Next thing I knew, we were in the lounge and Roy steered me to the table and headed for the coffee maker.

"Why'd we come in here?"

"'Cause you were scaring the parents."

"What parents? What're you talking about?"

Roy slid into the seat next to me and laid down a mug of coffee in front of me. "When you slammed your fist onto the counter."

"Slammed my fist onto the counter? When did I do that?"

Roy put his mug down real slow and leaned over and looked at me. "Just now. You don't remember?"

It was only then that I'd realized my hand _was _kinda sore. "I guess I did."

"You were thinkin' about that girl bleedin' out on you the other night, weren't you?"

"Yeah. I…I guess I was." And then I remembered seein' Dixie in the hallway talkin' to those folks. "Oh man…Dixie was talking to the parents of that boy, wasn't she?"

"Yeah. She was. They looked up when you hit the counter. There was no way they were gonna know you were thinkin' about another patient, so—"

"Ah, shit, Roy…"

**Roy:**

He laid his head down on the table and I figured it was best to just wait for a few moments.

"Dammit, Roy," his voice was muffled being under the table. "I thought I got it all outta my system."

"What do you mean?"

He brought his head up and I could see his nose was red and his face was a little flushed. "Gil and I talked about it a little. You remember when I first introduced you to him, he was talking to that kid?"

"Yeah. He was waiting for a kidney transplant, right?"

"Yeah. We talked about him for awhile and about that girl bleedin' out on me. Kinda helped me through that rough spot. But I guess hangin' around him for a day and a half kinda got me a bit rattled before that and I wondered if, maybe, that's why I'd allowed myself to get all worked up over losin' her."

That sent a bizarre combination of hope and worry stabbing right through me. "What do you mean?"

"See, he'd been kinda having a hard time, ever since they started the Paramedic Advisory Board. He's been doing that inadequate thing again, feeling like he's not qualified enough to be out in the field."

"And that terrible run at five in the morning last shift made you feel the same way."

"I guess it did. I guess listening to him go on about it kinda got _me_ thinkin' about it."

"I can imagine it was hard not to. After a call like that – who wouldn't feel helpless?"

"That's exactly it, Roy. I couldn't _help_ her. She was the only one of those kids to survive and I couldn't save her. It was my _job_ and I couldn't do it. All the years of experience, all the training, the certifications, the re-training and I couldn't _stop it_. And I was so afraid that same kinda thing was gonna happen again with that kid, this morning…"

Before I'd realized it, I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed a little. "Johnny, stop it. Look, I knew you were gonna be worried about it. But you did everything you could, right?"

"Yeah, I guess…"

"Right?"

Sigh. "Yeah."

"Okay, then. Look, I know that sounds trite and useless, but you did. I know you did. And I know you know that. But you've gotta start believing it or you really won't be of any help to anybody."

**Johnny:**

"I know that. Like I said, I thought it was all out of my system after I talked to Gil. I guess that kid this morning brought it all back. But now, I can't seem to shake it."

It had been nice to feel his touch, again. His thumb was kinda rubbing me a little.

But his hand slid off my arm and he started drinking his coffee when I mentioned Gil's name.

And he wasn't lookin' at me.

He put his cup down, eyes starin' in it like he'd lost something in there and stood up. "C'mon, Junior. We'd better make ourselves available."

"I'm not through, yet."

"You can pick up where you left off at the station." And he was out the door.

_What has gotten_ into_ him all of a sudden?_

**Roy:**

Dix was back at her usual spot, nose in a chart, and I saw the mother huddled into herself in a corner of the waiting room. I was a little concerned that she seemed to be by herself and felt an urge to keep her company, but then I saw the father at the public telephone. _Oh, okay. Good._

Johnny appeared at the ER base station and angled an irritated look at me. "Hey, Dix, uh, any word on the kid?"

"Well, it appears you both got to him in time. It's still a bit early, but they think he'll pull through."

Johnny stepped back, leaned against the counter, arms outstretched, and let out a long, slow breath, head down. I'm not sure either of us realized we were even holding our breath.

**Johnny:**

"That is one hell of a relief," I said, straightening back up.

"You're telling me. The parents are doing everything they can to keep it together," Dixie said, lookin' down toward the waiting room. Then she looked at my partner. "Well, Roy, it's nice to see you back on your feet again."

"Good to _be_ back on my feet again."

"I'll bet. Although, you know – and, don't take this the wrong way, Roy - it _was_ good to see Gil, again. The circumstances were lousy, but it was good to see him. Especially since his station works out of Harbor General, we rarely cross paths. He's really turned into a great paramedic."

Roy nodded a little and then he turned away from us, looking down toward the waiting room.

"Yeah, he has. I think it just took awhile for him to get used to how much responsibility he had. But he's finally come into his own. He's really got a knack for it, although he's startin' in on his doubts again. But I swear, if he ever decides he wants to stop bein' a fireman paramedic, I think he'd make a great shrink."

"You know, I think you're right, Johnny. What do you think, Roy?"

He looked at us like we were both crazy, "I think we'd better start getting back. See you later."

Dix's eyebrow rose, "Bye." She looked at me and cocked her head at him. "What's eating him?"

"Beats me. But he's got the keys, so I'd better skedaddle. See ya."

"See ya."

I ran after my partner and caught up with him, all irritated again. "_Now_ what is your problem?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well I don't know, Roy, you tell me. Every time somebody mentions Gil's name, you act like...you act like..."

**Roy:**

Now I was getting irritated. I stopped and looked at him, "I act like what?"

"Like you're irritated or something."

_Oh brother_. I started for the entrance, "I'm going back to the Squad."

"Well there you go. You're doin' it again!"

"Doin' what, Johnny?"

"Leaving! Like I said, every time his name gets mentioned you get irritated."

"Why would I get irritated?" I was kinda hoping the ER doors would close on him. Unfortunately, I was having no such luck.

"How should I know? _You're_ the one who's irritated!"

_Here we go… _ _"_I am not irritated. I like Gil. Why would I be irritated by him?"

He grabbed my arm just as I was about to get in. "Hold on. Are you…are you _jealous_ of Gil?"

I couldn't believe he asked me that question. "No! I'm not…" I stopped and looked him square in the eye. "No, I am not jealous of Gil."

He turned and headed for the passenger side. "Well, you keep gettin' this weird look on your face every time I mention him."

I peered over the roof, "Why would I be jeal— Look, I'm not so sure I want to dignify your accusation with an answer."

"Okay. Alright, fine. You're not jealous of him. Fine!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

We rode back to the station in silence.

I wasn't jealous of Gil.

At least…I didn't think I was.

Johnny's perceptivity kinda unhinged me a little. I'd spent the last several years being bewildered by how his brain's logic circuits function. Suddenly, his analytical skills had made a straight line instead of their usual rollercoaster route and it caught me a little off-guard that he'd zeroed in on my problem.

Sorta.

But if I wasn't jealous, then…what was I…?

I really was glad that Gil was there for my partner. After a run like that, it would get to anybody. Including Brice, I have no doubt, whether he'd ever admit it to anyone or not.

Gil was a good guy and I liked him a lot. Kept his head on his shoulders and saved my eyesight after I'd gotten sprayed in the eyes by that spitting cobra coupla years back.

And if Cap extended 51s debriefing until lunch, he obviously felt they'd need it. I'm glad they were all there for each other…

I wasn't feeling jealous.

I was feeling left out.

Like I'd let him down. Like I'd let them all down.

And I was feeling more than a little angry with myself.

_Mistake No. 4_… I'd allowed my ego to get in the way of my judgment. Had I listened to Johnny at the top of that cliff and called in another rescue squad to take over, I wouldn't have ended up in the hospital with a concussion. Johnny wouldn't have had to rescue me and I wouldn't have ended up feeling…everything…on that cliff. I wouldn't have ended up missing out on that run and I woulda been there for Johnny and the rest of the guys.

Instead, it was Gil.

And Gil whom Johnny would turn to because I couldn't be there.

But what bothered me more was…why it bothered me so much.

**~!~**

_[after dinner]_

**Johnny:**

It'd been a pretty average day, so far. During chow, Roy and I had figured we'd get a run or two after lights out, maybe a call for the Engine. But right now, with Cap's clam chowder makin' us all feel pretty full, the guys were about to settle in for a movie on the tube. All except Roy, who I didn't see anywhere.

Ever since we'd gotten back from Rampart after I'd accused him of bein' jealous of Gil, we hadn't talked much. Now, that's not necessarily anything unusual. There've been a number of times in the past where, for whatever reason, we both ended up just kinda not sayin' much to each other all shift. Not that we were mad or anything it's just…I guess we'll have spent so much time together before that that we'd kinda talked ourselves out of stuff to talk about and so we'd find ourselves hanging around the Engine crew.

But this hadn't been that kind of day. We'd been civil to each other since that first run and still worked together just fine on a run, but I kinda sensed he was avoiding me on purpose.

And I wasn't liking it. Not just the avoidance thing, of course, but I felt like, well, I'm not real sure quite how to put it, exactly. I felt like I was losing him. Forget all the stuff that'd been goin' on between us lately – I felt like this thing with Gil had driven a wedge between us and…well, I dunno, like our friendship was at stake. Something had rattled him and I wanted to figure it out before the end of shift. 'Cause I had this weird feelin' that if we didn't fix this now, Roy and I were lookin' at the eventual end of our partnership.

I finally found him in Cap's office, sittin' on the side chair, adding all our runs to the log book. I knocked and walked in. "Hey there, partner."

"Hey there, yourself," he answered, his nose still in the book.

"They're gettin' ready to watch 'Smokey and the Bandit'. You comin'? Marco made popcorn."

"No, I've already seen it with the kids, thanks."

"Okay." I leaned against the desk, grabbed the stack of slips and forms he was workin' out of. "You want me to finish writin' all this in?"

He just looked up at me at the top of his eyes, "No, I got it. Thanks."

"Ohh-kaaaay." I handed him back the stack and he kept writin' in the book. I finally just gave up. "Well, see ya."

"Yeah. See ya."

**Roy:**

I dropped the book down on the desk after he left. _Shit_. _Well, you about messed that up but good, Roy Patrick DeSoto_.

I really hadn't meant to give him the cold shoulder, but I guess I wasn't up to forgiving him, just then.

No…

No, the truth of the matter was I wasn't up to forgiving myself.

I guess I still had some things to sort out between Gil Robinson and my stupidity. I grabbed the log book again and picked up where I'd left off, hoping I'd be able to concentrate long enough to finish it before the wake-up tones tomorrow morning.

**~!~**

_[two hours later]_

**Johnny:**

I'd looked everywhere for him after the movie was done. Finally found him out back, leanin' on his car, scratchin' his neck, watchin' the 405 and lookin' kinda lonely, actually.

I didn't want to startle him so I just walked on over, real casual-like. I kicked a rock in his direction to let him know, except, I think it actually hit the car. I guess, maybe, that wasn't the best idea…

He musta heard me comin', 'cause he turned around as I got close. "Hey there."

"Hey there."

"Nice night, isn't it?" He looked up. Scratched again.

I looked up. Clear sky with a couple of stars out, now that twilight was finally gone. "Yeah. Real nice." I walked closer. "Listen, uh, Cap says lights out in twenty."

"Oh. Okay. That late already, huh?"

"Yeah."

I went and leaned on my Rover since we were parked next to each other. "You, uh, you been out here all night?"

"No, I finished off the reports little while ago and then just came out here to enjoy the evening."

"Oh."

"How was the movie?"

"Uh…good. Good. Real, uh…it was good." _Actually, I have no idea. I'd barely paid attention to it 'cause all I was thinkin' about was you_.

"That's uh…that's good. How's your hand?"

I looked at it, rotated my wrist a little. "Oh, it's fine. It's fine."

"That's good."

We watched the 405 for awhile.

"Listen, Roy—"

"Johnny, look—"

"Aw hell… You…go ahead."

"Naw, you started first –"

"It's okay, Roy, you…you go ahead—"

"No, that wouldn't be fair—"

"Oh for Heaven's sakes, listen to us. We can't even get an argument started."

He nodded and laughed. "Yeah, we're pretty hopeless, huh?"

"Yeah," I laughed and looked at him. His eyes were dancing with the lights of the city reflected in 'em. One of the security lights from next door happened to be right behind him and it gave him a kind of soft, portrait glow around him. I didn't want to lose my best friend. "Look, uh…I shouldn't have said anything. About Gil, I mean. I was reaching and that was just not a nice thing to say, I guess."

"Well," he looked at me. "You may have been reaching but, truth be told, Johnny, you weren't that far off the mark. I mean, I'm not jealous, I just want to make that clear."

"Oh, yeah, no, I...I understand."

"Guess I was more angry at myself for not being there for you guys. On that run, I mean."

Leave it to Roy to leave me confused. "Whaddya mean you were angry at yourself? You'd just done ten rounds with a hang glider off a cliff, Roy! Did you really expect to come out of it with just a scratch?"

"I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I should've listened to you when you asked whether I wanted another Squad to take over."

"Oh, for crying out loud. Roy, listen. We do our jobs at the time to the best of our ability. Do you sit around on every run wondering how it's going to affect the next one?"

"Well…no."

"Then why are you making it an issue with the hang glider incident? Dammit, Roy, just let it go. You did what you did, what happened happened and you move on to the next one! I swear, you drive me crazy, sometimes."

"Have you moved on from that girl in the ambulance?"

I opened my mouth to respond but…I couldn't think of anything to say. Damn, if, well…he didn't have a point. "Yeah, yeah, alright. You win."

He had that coy smile on his face, "Wasn't trying to make it a competition, Johnny."

"Yeah, I know, I know…"

"I just feel like…I wanted to be there with you guys, that's all. I mean, you're my partner. I just feel like…I let you down, y'know?"

He started scratching the right side of his neck, again.

"Why do you keep scratchin' for?"

He held his hands out, "It's itchy. Why do you think?"

"Lemmee take a look."

"What for?"

"I dunno, maybe you picked up some horrible rash at Rampart that's now metastasized to your brain." I grinned at him.

"No doubt I caught it from you."

"Very funny. Now let me look."

He cocked his neck to the left and I grabbed my pen light and peered close at where he'd been scratching. I used one hand to keep his shirt collar out of the way and palpated real gentle with my other fingers. "This is where you got burned."

"Yeah."

I could see and feel that his skin was startin' to peel.

And my own was startin' to buzz, again, with how close we were to each other. I could hear his breathing, real close, could feel how warm he was against the light breeze.

"Skin's startin' to peel."

"Yeah, I gathered."

I placed his shirt collar back over him and rubbed him a little. I felt like our conversation wasn't entirely finished. "About earlier. What we were talkin' about?"

His breathing was deep. It took him a coupla moments to answer and he swallowed hard. "Yeah. What about it?" His voice was soft and a little ragged.

"You could never let me down, Roy. You're my partner."

**Roy:**

He moved around to my right and his hand tenderly squeezed my shoulder, then slid down my back and slipped off me as he headed back inside.

A warmth pulsed through me, right then; almost like how it felt on the cliff and I could still feel where his fingers had lightly touched the skin on my neck. It seemed like almost a full minute before I could take a breath, again.

I felt a sense of relief and terror at Johnny's reassurance and…what I'd hedged was…permission.

Every logical argument I've made to myself against this was yelling at me inside my head. I wanted to keep fighting it. _No, that's not it_. No, I wanted to _want to_ keep fighting it. But I…didn't really want to. I'd been fighting it for the better part of a week and it hadn't gone away, despite every point of debate I'd thrown at it.

Something about this…something about what was happening between us felt…right.

I suppose some would argue that my next decision was Mistake No. 8. And that very well may be the case.

In the end, I couldn't ignore my reaction to Johnny's 'invitation' any more than I could ignore the points of reason that demanded all rejection of how I felt.

But maybe there was a way that I could listen to both.

After all, we had all the time in the world…

**~!~**

* * *

><p><strong>Johnny:<strong>

I think that conversation in the parking lot kinda led to this "permission" we gave ourselves to just see what would happen. To not fight it, anymore; whatever "it" was supposed to be. I know, for myself, I got tired of tryin' to figure it out and figured that, well, since it keeps happening, maybe it's supposed to be a good thing.

Don't get me wrong – I was pretty scared! I really had no idea if I was gonna wake up one day and find that the feelin' had gotten stronger, or I was gonna find myself hating him, or suddenly not caring anymore and having everything go back to the way things were before all this happened without any explanation.

Which kinda seems like that's how all this started: with no explanation.

_A few weeks of shifts went by and that whole time we found ourselves coming up with excuses to be around each other, to touch each other… _

The Engine was out on a run as we got back to the station.

I got out before he did and started for the dayroom. He closed the Squad door, "Ow!"

I walked over and smiled at him, "You did it again, didn't you? You oughta have somebody take a look at that."

He threw me a knowing smile back and started for the kitchen, forcin' me to walk backward. "I did. It'll work itself out."

"I meant you should have a professional look at it."

"Uh huh. You saying I'm not a professional?"

I stopped before we got to the kitchen, "No, I'm not saying that at all." I lightly grabbed his fingers and brought them up, rubbing them a little as I just looked at him. "I'm just saying, you should have a professional take a look at it."

"Uh huh." He watched me examine his finger, that smile never leavin' his face. I know 'cause I kept checking.

Sure enough, that splinter in his index finger was long and wedged in there, but I was gonna need some help. I wasn't all that sure about doin' it – figured he'd pull back or something – but, still holding onto 'im, I walked backward back to the port-side compartments to grab the tweezers out of the trauma box. He had this kinda shy look on his face the whole time. Took a coupla tries but I managed to relieve my long-suffering partner of his painful, traumatic impalement.

"There. That'll teach you to grab the wooden slats of the gate instead of the handle." I rubbed his finger where the splinter had been. He didn't try to wriggle out of my grasp.

"Well we had to get inside pretty quick, didn't we?"

"Uh huh."

He looked down at my hand holding his fingers. "You know, I _was_ gonna wait till I got to the locker room to take care of that."

"And prolong your pain and suffering? As your partner, I couldn't just let that happen, now, could I?"

* * *

><p><strong>Roy:<strong>

_We kept brushing up against each other or our hands would linger on each other's arm or shoulder when we were trying to get past each other on a run. I guess things between us had been slowly building since our conversation in the parking lot. I realized that I must have changed, too, because I did something I never thought I'd ever do. _

_We'd been at a 3-alarm and spent most of that time in the inevitable controlled chaos of the triage area we'd set up. With everybody tripping over each other and grabbing whoever was closest to assist, we found ourselves trading partners with the guys from 110s and 24s. And I gotta tell ya, Johnny and I about stopped in our tracks when we heard 24s was called in; thought as I gonna have to restrain Johnny or put him under if Dunning showed up. Fortunately for Dunning, he was still on suspension. Johnny and I'd barely seen each other the whole time as we got to treating a fair number of our brothers for smoke inhalation and a couple of minor and major fractures and burns. Johnny and I had a last-minute follow up to Rampart – respiratory distress cases from a couple of the guys who weren't wearing their masks doing overhaul. We argued the entire way back to the station about whether we should've stopped in the cafeteria to eat – which we didn't - or wait till we got back to the station for Mike Stoker's spaghetti – which we did. _

_Which led me straight to Mistake No. 9. Although I imagine it was No. 212 by now… _

I stopped in disbelief in the kitchen doorway to see the Engine crew draped over all the furniture.

And no spaghetti.

I started to feel a bit miffed, thinking they'd already cooked, eaten and cleaned up while we were gone and left nothing for Johnny and me.

Apparently, my partner had the same thought because he ran right into me and then stared over my shoulder at the empty, foodless kitchen. "Well…don't tell me you guys ate and cleaned up everything already?"

"Nope," Cap replied from the recliner, sounding pretty tired and disconsolate, fingers tapping the armrest.

"John? Roy? Tell me you brought food? I'm starving! I could eat a horse!" Chet grumbled from the couch, then plopped his head over the backrest.

"I could eat a horse _and_ a cow. And maybe even a coupla chickens," Marco added wearily from the other end of the couch.

"Forget the horse and the cow, _I_ could eat a whole whale! You mean you guys haven't even started dinner, yet? You left before we did!" Johnny said. His hand brushed along my hip before he scooted past me and headed straight for the cookie jars.

"Stoker claims that there's not enough time to make spaghetti," Cap answered with chagrin and an annoyed glance at Mike, who was sitting with his head down at the table. "Unless we want to eat at 10 O'clock. Frankly, we've just been too damned tired to get up and make something else."

I looked around at this stalwart crew of firemen – my intrepid brothers – soundly beaten by a lack of spaghetti.

I knew exactly how they felt.

It did surprise me, though, that no one remembered the marinated chicken that Charlie Wilson from C-shift had left in the fridge. I was about to mention it when Johnny handed me a couple of ginger cookies and he brushed past me to get to the bay. I guess he, too, had missed the physicality we seemed to have routinely settled into, of late.

So did I.

And before I knew it, a devious plot formed in my head.

"I have an idea, Cap. Since Johnny and I are the only ones left standing, why don't we go grab something from the store?"

Cap, beaming, looked over at me and clapped his hands. "Great! What're we having?"

"Great that Roy's cooking?" Chet asked. "You really _are_ starving."

"No, it's just great that it's not _me_ doing the cooking. What're we having, Roy?"

_Oh. Actually, I…hadn't thought that far_. "Ah…it's a surprise. But we need to go grab some supplies."

Cap threw me a desperate look, "At Rampart? Now?"

He must've really been in distress because I've rarely, if ever, heard him put us before the job.

"Yeah, weren't you guys just there?" Marco asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Relax. I meant grocery supplies."

Cap deflated, "Oh, right. Well, hurry back, alright? If we get another call before dinner, I'm giving you chow duties for the next month." Somehow he managed to conjure up the energy to raise himself out of the chair and drag himself across the floor to the cookie jar.

"No problem, Cap," I grabbed my partner and we hurried out of there.

It felt good for us to be alone. After the chaos of the day, it was nice to have some peace and quiet; for us to just be in the Squad together without doing anything urgent. It doesn't happen very often. But it's a nice time when it does. We didn't say much the whole ride over. I guess we didn't need to. Just being in our little hangout together was enough.

We pulled up to the store.

Johnny shifted in his seat, "Wait a second – didn't Charlie leave that chicken in the fridge?"

_Oops._ "Uh…yeah, he did." I turned to find a parking stall closer to the front entrance.

"Aw man, we coulda saved ourselves a whole trip! Now why didn't someone remember that earlier?"

"Dunno. Guess everybody forgot."

I pulled into a parking space, took the keys out and Johnny laid a hand on my arm, looking at me trying to hide my smile. "Why, you sly devil, you," he grinned. "Well, you know _somebody's_ gonna remember. By the time we get back, it'll all be cooked and we _still_ woulda made this trip for nothin'."

I felt a little bit crushed, at that.

**Johnny:**

I got out of the Squad and went to grab a cart. I could not _believe_ my partner! I tell you, Roy's got a sly side but he doesn't show it very often. Trust him to come up with an excuse for us to be alone for a little while. Such a sly devil!

I grabbed an empty cart and looked around to find him so we could go in. He was walkin' kinda slow, like he was deep in thought or sad or somethin'.

"What's the matter? What's wrong?"

He looked up at me, lookin' real shy, "Even if the Engine crew remembers that chicken in the fridge, I still wouldn't have considered this a wasted trip."

**Roy:**

Puzzlement swept across his face and his mouth opened to say something. Then his confusion turned into a genuine Gage smile, "You know, you're right. So! Pardner o' mine!" he drummed on the cart handle. "What're you making?"

"I have no idea. Maybe there'll be a recipe on the side of the box."

"What box?"

"Whatever we come across."

We roamed the aisles together until Hamburger Helper™ jumped out at me and we both jumped at _it_.

Obviously, it would've gone faster and been more practical to divide the duties in gathering all the rest of the fixings for dinner, but we couldn't seem to be bothered to do that. We hung around the basket and kept brushing past each other to reach for something or to get around one another. I think we just relished the proximity of each other.

It was quick work to find the rest of the ingredients and, I have to say, for a meal that that was conjured up last minute out of a box, it was one of the best meals we'd had in a long time.

And I was hoping no one really noticed how close Johnny and I sat next to each other at the table.

* * *

><p><strong>Johnny:<strong>

We kept maneuvering around each other, watching each other, checking our accumulated scrapes and cuts that we inevitably get on the job. I even had to wonder if sometimes we were doin' it on purpose, just so that we could have the other one check us out. I mean, I wasn't aware of _me_ doing stuff like that on purpose, but maybe something unconscious was going on that even _I_ wasn't aware of.

I noticed, too, that Roy stopped flinching from me every time I checked the burns on his face. Of course, I tried to come up with an excuse to check them often. He is my partner, after all. I do have an obligation to keep an eye on him. If…you know what I mean.

**Roy:**

Things remained on the surface like that for several weeks, becoming pretty routine between us. I don't know what was going through his mind, but, I had to admit, deep down…I kind of enjoyed it, that physical camaraderie between us, for lack of calling it anything else.

It was hard to know what…this meant for us. Whether we'd be able to continue as partners or even as friends. I was afraid that at some point, one of us, for whatever reason, was going to want a change. And whatever that entailed, however that manifested, it was going to change our relationship in a way that maybe we weren't ready for, that we hadn't anticipated.

And then a call came in that left me reeling in its wake, not unlike the way that incident with Dunning had rattled Johnny…


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:** Great and indebted thanks to my beta reader for her support and technical help with this chapter. Remaining errors are mine. _Emergency!_ is the property of Mark VII and Universal. No copyright infringement is intended. All original characters are mine. Elements within this story are not to be used without my permission. [posted 9/3/12]

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12<strong>

**by Ariane Rivendell  
><strong>

"_Station 51, traffic accident. Motorcyclist trapped in culvert. 1103 Turmont St. 1-1-0-3 Turmont Street. Cross street, Annalee. Police and ambulance have been dispatched. Time out: 9:43."_

**Johnny:**

We pulled up on the north side to find the police had already arrived and were just starting to control a crowd that was looking down at the box culvert in curiosity, so we pushed through to see what the situation was.

The culvert channels a small stream that feeds into the Dominguez Channel. Turmont St. runs along the north side while the south side is fronted by the backsides of houses in some places and park areas in others. The culvert is pretty deep and made completely of concrete with sides of about 15 feet, with concrete rails along the top to keep cars from plunging down into it.

There was a huge section of rail missing; taken down for a replacement project, it looked like. There were traffic cones, barricades with orange flashing lights and warning tape around the area and some of the tape was trailing in the breeze, where the victim'd run right through it. A quick survey of the rail down the line looked like huge chunks of the rail were rusting.

We looked down to where some folks in the crowd were pointing. The stream was just a trickle reflecting the sunlight. A blue motorcycle was lyin' on its side against the far side of the culvert with the rider pinned underneath it. The bike – had to be at least 600 cc's – was clearly too big for the rider's small size. How he'd managed to ride it down the street was a mystery to me. How he crashed it, though, was pretty easy to figure out.

"We meet again," I heard a familiar voice.

Well, whaddya know, Officer Bill Erskine was walkin' up to us. "You again, huh? What is this? The third TA?"

"At least."

"Well you did say we had to stop meetin' like this," I told him.

Erskine laughed, "So I did, Johnny. But, uh, I notice you didn't listen."

"Nor did you listen to your own advice," I pointed out to him.

He laughed, "You got me there, my friend."

Cap came jogging up. "Whatcha got?" he asked, flipping his gloves off and slapping them together before he stuffed them in his pocket.

"Not sure," Erskine started. "Evel Knievel, there, might've been trying out a new bike or something. Some of the witnesses said that he came roarin' up the street at a pretty fast speed, then slowed down as if he knew he was goin' too fast and then it got away from him. The front end started wobbling, no doubt, as you can imagine, because it's just too big for him. Lost control, and by some miracle, somehow managed to steer it to this missing rail section, here, slid down the side right about here - you can see the tracks – and ended up right where you see him. How he managed to keep a hold on the bike through the whole ride, I'll never know."

"He probably doesn't, either," Roy said.

"Is there any gas leaking?" Cap asked Officer Erskine.

"Not sure, Cap'n. We pretty much just got here, ourselves. Haven't had a chance to go down there and check it out."

"You know his name?" Roy asked.

"No, sorry."

"Okay. What do you boys think?" Cap asked us.

Roy squinted down at the scene. "Well, I don't see any steps down close by so we're gonna need a coupla lines to lower us down. Can you guys lower down our equipment and a Stokes?"

"Probably need a splint and a backboard, too, huh?" Cap assessed.

I peered closer at the victim, "Yeah. I don't know about you, Roy, but that helmet's lookin' a little off, although maybe it just got skewed from the accident."

"Yeah…maybe." He turned back to Cap, "If you guys could get everything ready, we'll get our lines secured."

"You got it. I wanna get a line on there, too, just in case," Cap said, patted me on the arm and bounded back to the Engine.

Roy and I got our lines and Marco lowered the biophone and trauma box. We headed down to the victim while the Engine crew got the rest of our gear for us.

"Hi, how ya doin'?" I asked as we came upon the victim, partly to see if he was conscious cause I couldn't tell from way back there if he was movin' or not. He was lying on his left side in full riding gear, with a jacket and a black helmet that seemed kinda skewed in relation to how his head should be. I pointed out the make of the bike to Roy: Suzuki GT750. Kirk Baumgarten from B-shift has one. It's more than 700 cc's! No wonder he lost control. I mean, this guy couldn't have been more than a teenager. What the hell was he thinkin', tryin' to ride a bike like that?

"Don't worry about me," came a soft, female voice from inside the black helmet.

Roy and I stared at each other.

"It's a girl!"

He made a face and rolled his eyes up at me the way he usually does when he's about to tell me I said something dumb, "Congratulations, Dad."

I sneered at him, "Ha ha. Very funny." _My partner, a real joker._

"Please, just…don't worry about me," she said again. Boy, she sounded like she was in some real pain.

Roy knelt down next to her, "Well, we _are_ worried about you. Looks like you got yourself into a bit of a pickle, here."

"I'm fine. Please. Don't treat me," she pleaded.

We looked at each other. 'Don't treat me?' I swear, in all the years and rescues we've done, we've _never_ had anyone, as badly hurt as she might be, ever tell us _that_.

**Roy:**

"Well, why don't we be the judge of that," I said, taking out the BP cuff and the stethoscope.

"Please…don't worry about me."

Something in her voice stroked a sympathy in me for her that I've rarely felt for patients. "It's only a stethoscope and a blood pressure cuff. It's just gonna squeeze your arm, I'm not gonna hurt you."

"Please just…leave me here. Surely there's other people who need you."

The look I saw on Johnny's face mirrored the exact thought in my head.

**Johnny:**

We couldn't believe what we were hearing! "Head injury?"

"Maybe. Miss, we're gonna remove your helmet, okay?"

"Why?"

"We'd like to check you over. Make sure you didn't sustain a head injury."

"I didn't hit my head. I'm just stuck underneath the bike."

Roy sighed and looked at me. "I think we're gonna need – "

"Yeah. I'll get 'em." And I ran back across the culvert to get the rest of our gear and some manpower.

**Roy:**

Her helmet was worrying me a bit. I looked around and grabbed my belt and rolled it. Hardly decent, but it was all I had. "Alright, now, Miss, I'm gonna put my belt under your head to act like a pillow, okay?"

"Sure."

It took a bit of work, but she could finally just relax and keep her head aligned. "Do you hurt anywhere?"

"No," her voice was strained.

"Look, Miss, now I can't help you unless you're truthful with me."

"I don't want your help. Please, just leave me here to die."

I looked her up and down. "Well, I hate to tell you this, but as far as I can see, you don't seem injured enough to die."

"Oh." She sounded really disappointed. Or in a lot of pain. I wasn't really sure which, although I suspect it might've been both.

I thought about asking why she wanted to die, but decided against adding in the psychological element, just yet. If I could keep the conversation focused on the medical aspects, I'd have a better chance at convincing her to let us treat her. At least, that's what I was hoping. "Look, uh, I know you don't want us to treat you, but can I at least check your vital signs?"

"What for?"

"Just so that I'd feel better leaving you out here all by your lonesome."

"What does it involve?"

"Oh, just getting your blood pressure, your pulse. That's about it."

She hesitated for a bit. "I guess."

"I'd also like to get your helmet off and your jacket, if that's alright?" Figured it wouldn't hurt to try again.

"No. No, please. I don't want to take them off. I _don't_ want to take them off!"

_Well that didn't go so well_. "Okay. It's okay. We'll leave it on. But I don't want you to move, alright? Did you hit your head at all?"

"No. I told you."

_Uh huh_. I thought about the C-Collar – couldn't get it on her without taking the helmet off, anyway. I just had to make sure she didn't move. "Alright, uh, now look, don't try to move, okay? You might still have hit your head without you realizing it, so try to keep still. Are you having trouble breathing at all?"

"I'm talkin' to you, aren't I?"

"Doesn't mean you may not be having trouble breathing. Do you feel a pressure in your chest? Can you breathe in and out okay without any pain?"

"Yeah."

Her lungs seemed clear and I detected no signs of internal injuries but she was guarding quite a bit. "Okay. I'm gonna wrap the BP cuff around your arm to get your blood pressure, now, is that alright?"

"I guess. If it makes you happy."

I wrapped the BP cuff on her and decided that since I couldn't check her pupil response, I could still do a verbal check. "What's your name?"

"Melissa."

"You know what day it is?"

"Yeah, it's Saturday."

"How old are you?"

"23."

I was pretty taken aback. She seemed awfully short for 23. At first, I wondered if she might've been lying to mask her real age, but most teenagers will say they're 18 or 19, not 23.

So far, she seemed pretty lucid. "You feeling dizzy, at all? Headache?"

"No."

"Okay. Melissa, you're doing great." I got her BP, onto her pulse.

"Is this your bike?"

"Why do you want to know that?"

"Oh, just making conversation. One of the other guys at my station rides one just like it."

"So?"

_Striking out at every turn_,_ here_. "You, uh…you trying it out or just learning to ride?"

"It's none of your business."

_Okay, back off a little_. Pulse, check. Onto the respirations. "Yeah, you're right. It is none of my business. I've, uh, I've always wanted to learn how to ride, myself. My friend, the one with the bike like yours, has offered to give me lessons."

"So why don't you take them and stop bothering _me_."

_Oh boy… _She was silent for a long time and I was able to get her respirations. _Got it_. I jotted down all her vitals to give to Johnny to relay to Rampart.

"What color bike is it?"

I turned back to her, "Excuse me?"

"What color is your friend's bike?"

_She likes things on her terms. Okay_. "Oh, uh, he's got a red one. He's a fireman, so, you know, he likes red bikes, red cars, you name it."

"Do all firemen like red?"

"No. Not all."

"Do you have a favorite color?"

"Not particularly. How 'bout you?"

"Well, it's not blue."

_Bingo._ I knew it couldn't have been her bike.

"What's your name?"

"Roy. Roy DeSoto. My partner is Johnny."

I saw him returning with the gear and the Engine crew in tow. "You detecting any gas leaks, Roy?" Cap asked.

"No." I pointed at the victim and held up a hand to tell them to hold off for the moment. "Okay, now, I wanna check you over, make sure you're not seriously injured."

"Why? What do you care?"

"Well, it's my job."

"You're just getting paid, though. You don't _really_ care, right?" She sounded hopeful that I really didn't.

_Oh boy_…

Johnny threw a wide-eyed look at me. I shook my head.

She was pushing me into territory I wasn't at all comfortable being in. It was a delicate line I was being forced to walk, but I was starting to feel like we were making a connection and I didn't want anything to jeopardize that. There might be some hope, here, yet.

"Like I said. I'm just doing my job." I answered, trying to sound as nonchalant as I could manage.

"Okay."

That seemed to satisfy her. _This is gonna prove to be a doozy of a case._ Little did I realize just how much.

"How is she?" Johnny asked.

"Okay, so far," I said aloud as I handed him the vitals I'd written down, then gestured for him not to call Rampart.

"Okay." He took the paper I gave him and got the biophone ready.

She was lying on her left side so I could at least check the rest of her for injuries. I checked her right arm. Everything seemed okay until I got to her wrist. She winced and yanked it from my grasp, hissing in pain.

"Here, let me check that for you." I reached to grab her arm, but she moved it away from me.

"It doesn't really hurt. You just startled me, that's all," she claimed.

_Uh huh_. "Well I just wanna make sure there's nothing broken or sprained."

"What difference does it make to you?"

"Well, now, see, my boss is standing right there and I just need to make it look good so I can get promoted. Remember, I don't really care about you. I'm just doing this for my benefit."

She didn't move for a few moments and I looked over at Johnny, who'd heard me and knelt down on the other side of the bike looking mighty worried. I shrugged at him. He pointed to the biophone and I held up a hand; it was still a little too soon. I looked up to see the rest of the Engine crew standing around, awaiting my signal to start doing something. But I couldn't do anything until I got Melissa fully on my side. And that was gonna take a little bit more time.

She slowly offered me her hand. "Okay."

I took her hand and started assessing whether she might've broken her wrist or merely sprained it. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

She seemed able to move her wrist and fingers somewhat so that was a good sign.

"It doesn't hurt, you know."

_Yeah, I noticed in between those hisses you were trying not to make underneath that helmet of yours_. "Well, it may not hurt now, but I suspect it's gonna hurt a whole lot, later on. Adrenaline has a way of masking pain, even in serious injuries."

"For how long?"

"Oh, for hours. Even up to a whole day."

"For real?"

"Yup. Sometimes people can walk away immediately from a crash, but they'll feel it the next morning."

"Is he lying?" She asked Johnny, who was rummaging for a splint.

"Nope, not at all," he answered.

"You promise?"

"Oh yes, I can promise you that ten times till Sunday. I got hit by a car once, you know. Now, don't get me wrong, I knew that my leg was broken 'n' all right off the bat. But my _muscles_ throughout the rest of my body didn't feel it for a couple of days and I could barely move. That happens all the time."

"Oh."

She fell silent again and I took that time to check her back and spine. No fractures that I could feel, but I could see there were some shredded pieces of her jacket, from her left side, that were peeking out from underneath her. I was a little worried about what we were gonna find when we finally got her out of there.

I had Johnny immobilize her hand while I checked her legs. Again, no fractures that I could detect, but I could see that her pants had been shredded and her left foot – what I could see of it – didn't really look right.

_Now for the hard part._

"Alright, Melissa?"

"What?"

"All we have left to do is get this bike off of you. Now in order for us to do that, we're gonna have to move you. But I've gotta get this C-Collar on you, first, and immobilize your head. If you've got a spinal injury, you could be paralyzed for life."

"Good. Then you can just leave me here like that so I can die."

Johnny's startled look stared at me. I motioned for him and the rest of the Engine crew to back off a little. Johnny threw me a dubious look and I could see that he was a little worried. Frankly, so was I.

I watched the crew step back a ways and then I turned back to Melissa. "Well, that would be fine. But it would take days, probably even a week for you to die if we just left you here paralyzed like that. It wouldn't be very pleasant."

"I don't care." Her voice sounded so small…

"I'll tell ya. I've seen a fair number of tough guys in 'Nam go through what you're going through. They're in so much pain, they want to die. But after awhile, they realize that the body will do everything in its power to stay alive and they lie there suffering hour after hour. And they stay there, tryin' to take it, but they find they can't keep it up for very long and they start begging for help. They realize that dying is a lot of work and they start thinkin' about their friends and their families and all the good things in life and they change their minds; they don't wanna die, after all. Sometimes, dying is as much hard work as living. Do you _really_ wanna stay out here in the hot sun and the cold nights with everybody lookin' down at ya, gettin' more and more thirsty by the hour? Thirst is a powerful motivator. It drives people insane. You really want to die alone, out here, driven insane by thirst while the whole neighborhood is watching? And what happens when you change your mind and it's too late?"

"I won't change my mind." Her voice sounded even smaller than it did before.

"It may not seem like it now, but you will. I guarantee it. Look, this can't be the answer to your problems. But if we can get you to the hospital, we can find people who can help you. They're trained for this sort of thing. They have resources and know how to help you so that you don't have to die out here paralyzed and alone and the subject of ridicule and gossip of the neighborhood where everybody can see what your problems are. At least at the hospital, everything is confidential."

She was silent for a long time and I wracked my brain trying to come up with anything else to persuade her. Johnny looked over at me and all I could do was shrug. It was all up to her.

She mumbled something but I couldn't hear through her helmet. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."

"Okay. I'll go."

_Whew!_ I patted her arm, real gentle. "Alright. Let me go talk to the guys about how to get this off of you, okay?"

"Roy?"

"Yeah."

"Don't leave me…?"

"I'm gonna step away for just a moment. Then we'll get this bike off of ya, okay?"

"'kay."

I patted her arm again and then stepped over to where Cap and the rest of the crew were waiting.

"What's goin' on, Roy?" Cap asked.

I glanced back at her for a moment and tried to keep my voice down, "Alright, look, she's suicidal. Now, I got her to agree to allow us to help her and take her to the hospital. But we need to move fast before she changes her mind."

"Alright, let's get to it then," Cap said.

With the help of the Engine crew and Officer Bill Erskine and the port-o-power, the bike was lifted straight up. I held her head while Johnny, Chet and Marco pulled her straight out and onto the backboard.

And that's when the yelling started.

She still wouldn't allow us to take off her helmet, so I used Cap's turnout to keep her head aligned and Johnny and I could finally examine her left side.

Her left shoulder was dislocated and there were deep lacerations all down her left side, and her left ankle was broken. Her shoulder must have borne the brunt of the weight when she landed for it was a miracle that her hip wasn't fractured.

"Roy? Roy? Oh my god, it hurts. It hurts so bad…"

"I know. I know it does. We're gonna get in touch with the hospital to see about authorizing any pain medication for you. But they can't do that until we make sure you don't have a head injury."

"Well, maybe _you_ have a head injury, Roy. For the third time, I didn't hit my head."

"You know that and I know that, but the hospital isn't gonna take our word for it. I have to check you out, but I can't do that with your helmet on."

Okay, technically, all I really had to do was raise her face shield to check her pupils. But I wanted to get the helmet off in case the weight of it was causing any undo stress on her neck in the event she had a neck or spinal injury.

"Now, just to warn you, if the hospital authorizes any kind of pain medication, you'll have to go to the hospital. Remember, you may have injuries to your muscles or tendons that only the hospital can detect. You may not feel any of that right now but you could in the next hour or so. But I need you to give me the go-ahead to take your helmet off before we can contact the hospital."

She was quiet for several moments. "'kay."

"Alright, now, don't move. Let us do all the work, okay?" I held her head while Marco got it off of her. It was about a half size too big for her, which accounted for it looking skewed when we first arrived and he didn't have much problem sliding it off of her head. After a few moments, I finally stared into dulled blue eyes and a saddened face with lackluster blonde hair and a pretty hefty bruise – about a day or two old - near her right eye.

I put the C-collar on her, checked her pupil response then made eye contact with her. "Hi."

She half-smiled and looked away.

I signaled the go-ahead to Johnny and he got on the biophone. I started praying for either Dr. Early or Brackett. I was afraid Dr. Morton's bedside manner might just push her back to where she started.

"Rampart, this is Squad 51."

"_Go ahead, 51."_ Dr. Early. I breathed an inner sigh of relief.

I turned back to Melissa. "Alright, now, my partner is on the phone to the hospital to get authorization for the pain medication. In the meantime, you want me to take a look at that for you?" I asked, gesturing to the bruise near her eye.

"No. No, I just fell off my bike the other day."

_Uh huh_.

Johnny waved at me. "Roy? Rampart's authorized 5 mg of MS IV. You want to handle that?"

"Yeah. Why don't you go ahead and immobilize her ankle."

I started to roll up her sleeve but she tried to move her arm and cried out in the process. "What is it? What's the matter? You in pain?"

"Why're you…what do you need my arm for?"

"For the pain medication. The hospital's authorized us to administer pain meds for you. But I need your arm to establish an IV so I can give it to you. I'm gonna have to cut your jacket because I think the sleeve is too tight."

She closed her eyes and started to cry a little.

"Melissa, you have to decide if you want the pain medication. I won't give it to you unless you give the okay. But you need to decide fast."

She just lay there, crying. Johnny looked over as he finished applying the splint, concern all over his face. He got to work dressing the lacerations, all the while looking over at us with not a little bit of worry. Melissa 's sobbing finally subsided and she whispered, "Okay."

I cut away at her sleeve and pulled back the loose clothing – and about felt sick to my stomach.

**Johnny:**

He breathed in real deep and raised his eyes to the sky like he'd seen the worst thing a person could see. He rocked back and settled on his heel, elbow on his knee and a hand over his mouth. His eyes fixated on some spot on the ground and his face looked real grim.

I moved over to him. "What's wrong?" I whispered.

He gestured with his head then turned to grab the IV. I looked.

Cut marks were riddled all over the girl's arm. Some healed, some still healing, others looked fresh. But her arm was covered with 'em. _Damn it_. I remember seein' an older girl with the same kind of marks when I was real young and my mom tellin' me they were part of an old tradition. Come to find out when I was older what they really were…

I let out a breath and squeezed his shoulder 'fore I went back to bandaging the lacerations all over her leg. I kept my eye on him, watching him set up the IV and tryin' to find a vein. I'd never seen him look so sad and I could tell he was seein' Jenny lyin' there, and not this young woman who wanted so damn badly to die.

**Roy:**

It all made sense – her reluctance to have us take off her helmet and jacket and her wanting us to leave her. Despite the care I try to take not to get emotionally involved, I couldn't _not_ be with her. My heart went out to her.

I couldn't help it.

It was all I could do to concentrate on what I was doing to administer the MS IV. Johnny and I packed her up, secured her and carried her over and, with Stoker's help, got her out of the culvert. We climbed up after her while the ambulance guys got her onto the gurney.

**Johnny:**

Roy and I clambered up and watched while she was loadin' into the ambulance. I kept my eye on him. He was awfully quiet. He was takin' his gloves off, lookin' pretty sad. "You gonna ride in with her?"

He was wearin' this somber, all-serious, professional face and didn't even look at me. "Yeah."

I got a little worried for him, right then.

"You want _me_ to?"

"No. I got it. See you at Rampart," and then he stepped in after her.

I closed the doors and patted them, twice. Then I watched them leave. Little did I know how shook up he was gonna end up being from this.

**~!~**

**Roy:**

I walked out of the treatment room feeling angry and more than a little bitter about the whole situation with Melissa. After the MS kicked in, she'd started asking about her bike, and about what condition it was in and how she was gonna get it out. All I could tell her was that she'd more than likely have to pay a tow company to haul it back up and have it taken to a garage. She seemed awfully worried about that. She finally confessed that the bike belonged to her boyfriend and that they'd only moved in to the neighborhood a week ago.

Didn't take a whole lot of dots to connect that he might've given her that massive bruise on her face and was maybe even indirectly responsible for some of those cuts on her arm.

Dixie was in the treatment room with her and Dr. Early, laying on a healthy dose of TLC. It took quite awhile to convince her that she could trust the pair of them in the same way she'd just learned to trust me. With her in better hands, I was finally able to leave to find my partner.

After replenishing our supplies with Nurse Carol, I found him talking near the water fountain with Katy, one of the newer nurses.

He saw me heading toward them with our box of supplies. I watched his infamous Gage Charm smile to her turn into a worried frown at me and he followed me out to the Squad.

**Johnny:**

I stepped a little faster to catch up to him and put my arms out. "You want me to get that?"

"Naw, I got it."

"'Kay."

He put the supplies in the compartment and we headed back to the station.

"LA, Squad 51 available."

"_Squad 51."_

I looked over at him. He still had that same gloomy expression he had right before he'd gotten into the ambulance.

"How's she doin'?"

I think he was day dreamin' 'cause he blinked like he was waking up and then glanced at me. "Oh, uh, she's doin' okay, so far, I guess. No complications or nothin'."

I knew that look and I knew that voice. This case had definitely gotten to him. Knowing that look and knowing that voice, like I did, I knew that he was the only one who could shake himself out of. No amount of cajoling or talking to him was gonna make him snap out of it any faster.

But I could at least let him know that I was around whenever he was ready to talk about it.

**Roy:**

I guess he knows me pretty well by now. It'd taken some time, but he'd finally learned to leave me alone when I was feeling like this. Every so often there are cases we just can't help being affected by. Like the man said, 'we're only human.' I guess Johnny knew I was feelin' pretty upset 'bout the whole thing because he didn't say anything after that. Instead, he reached over and lightly rubbed my thigh, like he was trying to let me know everything was okay.

A nice sensation went through me when he did that. It was just the thing I needed to make me feel better. I looked over at him but he had his elbow on the door and his hand over his mouth, starin' out front. A part of me was glad he was.

**Johnny:**

We headed into the kitchen when we got back to the station, wonderin' what Marco was making for lunch. The entire Engine crew was busy makin' salad while Marco was checking the oven.

"Hey, you're back," Marco greeted us.

"Yeah," Roy said tiredly. He grabbed a chair at the table and just kinda sat there, chewin' on his pinky and still lookin' awfully sad.

Cap walked in and leaned on the backs of one of the chairs. "Welcome back, fellas. How's, uh, how's the girl?"

Roy shifted a little. "Oh, uh, she's gonna be okay, I guess. Dr. Early didn't forsee any complications with her injuries. Said she'd probably be outta there in about a week or so."

"That's good, that's good. What about, uh, her being suicidal?"

"Dixie said they'd called both the chaplain and one of the psychiatrists. Wasn't sure who she'd feel like talking to, so they figured she could have her choice. They were calling in one of the social workers, too."

Cap's fingers drummed on the chair. "Good. I'm glad to hear that she has some options."

Mike handed Roy the salad bowl and he put it on the table. "Yeah. Certainly more options than the one she gave herself this morning."

"Yeah." Cap patted the back of the chair and straightened up. "Marco? How's lunch coming along?"

I glanced at Roy and he'd gone right back to starin' into space.

"Just comin' out of the oven now, Cap."

"What're we havin'?" I asked. Usually you can smell a spicy Marco meal from a mile away. I could smell _somethin_' good was cookin' when we walked in but I honestly couldn't tell you what it was.

"Mac and cheese casserole. With 5 different kinds of cheese!" Marco crowed proudly. He balanced the casserole dish in his gloved hands and wound around the chairs to set it down on the heating pad. "Dig in, gentlemen! It's hot, so be careful."

Five chairs scraped back and six hungry firemen happily obeyed Marco's command.

"This is kind of different for you, Marco," I told him as I started in on my lunch. And it was _good!_

**Roy:**

"In fact," Johnny continued, his mouth full, "I'd like to get the recipe if you don't mind. This is really good! Isn't this fantastic?" he turned to me as if needing to confirm the nod of affirmation I'd already given him.

"Yeah. Excellent, as usual, Marco."

"Thanks, fellas. I'd love to take the credit, but I can't. It's not my recipe. It's Carl's."

Five forks fell onto five plates and five firefighter jaws hung open in complete astonishment. I thought Johnny's eyes were gonna come out of his head. "This is _Carl's?_"

"As in Carl Turlock? On B-shift?" Chet was incredulous, his fork in the air.

"You've gotta be kiddin'," Cap said, staring at the plate as if he'd just witnessed Jesus turning water into wine.

"'Can't Cook Carl'?" Stoker's eyes were wide as he leaned back in his chair.

"Unbelievable, huh?" Marco agreed. "Apparently, he's been taking lessons from Charlie Wilson for the past several months."

"Well, I'll be damned. I wonder what brought that on?" Cap wondered.

"Probably when Wilson overtimed on B-shift and had to eat his food," Stoker reasoned. Five groans borne of that shared culinary experience rumbled through the kitchen.

"Yeah," Johnny laughed. "He makes Chet look like Betty Crocker."

Chet sneered at him, "I can cook. I see you guys eating my culinary fare all the time."

"Doesn't mean we _like_ it; we just don't have much choice. Although I _will _say, you _can_ boil water, I'll give you that much."

"Yeah, to pour over your head."

Cap gently slapped the table. "Gentlemen…" he lightly admonished. "Speaking of 'Can't Cook'—" Cap stopped himself, put his hands up and made a face. "I shouldn't do that. Speaking of _Carl_, Marco, did you tell Johnny and Roy about—"

"Oh, you can go ahead and mock him, Cap; it's not like he's here, or anything. I mean, you gotta admit, the guy _did_ deserve his nickname. _We_ certainly won't snitch on ya," Chet promised before digging into his salad.

"So you don't mind if we call you Chester Bonehead Kelly, then, when you're not around?" Cap countered.

The rest of the station burst into laughter. All except Chet, of course, who simply sat and nodded his head in derision at us. "Yeah. Okay. Fine. You guys can go ahead and laugh. _I'm_ gonna enjoy a fantastic meal that poor Marco, here, slaved over, _by himself_, for hours on end."

"Slave over? It only took me half an hour."

"Quiet, Marc. I'm only watchin' out for ya, babe," Chet whispered.

"Chester Bonehead Kelly. Good one, Cap," Johnny grinned.

"Watch it pal, you're next." Cap threw my partner that 'I'm about to give you latrine duty as punishment look'.

"Uh, yes, Cap."

"Hmph. As I was saying, Marco, did you tell John and Roy about the cabin?"

Lopez's eyes widened and he quickly wiped his mouth with his napkin, "Oh no, I don't think I did, Cap."

"I guess not, 'cause I don't know what you guys are talkin' about." Johnny glanced at me and I shrugged back; I hadn't heard about it, either.

"Well you know how we've got four days off coming up in a coupla weeks? Carl has reservations for one of the cabins over at Pyramid Lake, but he can't use it because his anniversary is that same week."

"I thought that's why he got the cabin? To use for his anniversary?" Johnny asked.

"He did. Except his wife broke her foot, so they can't do all that hiking. So he's asking if any one of us wants to use it, instead. The rest of us have plans, already." He sounded pretty down and his expression twisted into a grimace; he was clearly a bit miffed.

"Well…how much is he asking?"

It would be my suspicious partner to ask.

"Just the fees he paid."

Johnny mulled it over. "Yeah. Okay. It'll be nice to get some hiking in. I haven't had a chance to do that for awhile. Oh, this'll be great!" Then he took a look at me when I reached over to grab the salad bowl. "Well…unless, I mean, do you and Joanne wanna maybe use the cabin, Roy? It'd be great for the kids."

"Nope. Joanne and I are gonna meet up with her sister and brother-in-law and we're taking the kids camping."

**Johnny:**

"Oh. Okay."

He threw me a look that, to me, anyway, held a bit of regret.

**~!~  
><strong>

**Johnny:  
><strong>

I woke up in the middle of the night. It seemed like something woke me up, but I couldn't have told you what it was. I listened…it was pretty quiet, all the rest of the guys seemed to be sleeping. The street was pretty quiet outside. But something was making a soft noise right about in my ear.

I turned over and he was sittin' at the edge of his bunk. The blue security lights from next door gave his white undershirt a blue-ish tinge and he was playin' with the straps on his bunkers. "Roy?" I whispered.

He looked at me with this real sad look on his face, "Sorry, Johnny. Didn't mean to wake you."

I rubbed one eye, "You didn't. What's wrong?"

He didn't answer right away. "I was thinking about Carl Turlock's mac and cheese."

I looked at the clock._ Carl….Turlock's….mac and….cheese? At…four in the morning?_ Man, he musta really hated it if he was this upset about it. "You didn't like it?"

"No, I thought it was fabulous."

_Uh…okay_… "Sorry, partner, but I'm feelin' kinda square. Or maybe because it's the middle of the night…but I ain't quite followin'," I muttered as I strained to sit up. I moved over and sat next to him. "Maybe you oughta just…start from the beginning."

He glanced at me with a soft smile then started playing with his bunker straps again. "I keep thinking about Melissa."

"Oh. Yeah. You wanna talk about it?"

"Not much to talk about, really. She just…kinda got under my skin, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I…I understand," I answered, remembering one specific recent case that had gotten to _me_. "Why this particular case, do you think?"

His eyes roamed around the dorm, like he was hopin' the answers would be in the walls. "I don't know. That's what I've been trying to figure out."

"Were you thinkin' 'bout Jennifer?"

"No. No, not really. I mean, that did cross my mind, but…I don't think that's it." He sighed a little. "She just seemed so…alone, I suppose. Like I was the first person she'd learned to trust in a long time."

"Maybe you were."

"Yeah. And how sad is that?"

"Well, maybe she never had reason to before. But when you came around, you gave her hope; maybe she's never had that, before. And because of you, she's learning to trust Dr. Early and Dixie and maybe some of the other staff people over at Rampart, right now. At least enough to get herself out of whatever situation she's in."

I could see him mulling that over in his head. That soft smile crossed his face, again, and he looked at me. "Yeah. I'd like to think so."

We sat in silence for a long time. And then…I remembered how this whole thing started.

"So…how exactly did you get around to thinkin' about Carl Turlock's mac and cheese?"

He shifted a little. "I guess that whole thing with Melissa really got under my skin. I was pretty down about it."

"Yeah. I know. Truth is, um, I'd been wantin' to say something, but I know sometimes you just like to be left alone. Kinda felt like it was one of those times."

"Guess you know me pretty well, by now."

"Guess so…"

We looked at each other. Something in his expression, his eyes, made him look incredibly vulnerable. I could feel somethin'…passing between us. But he turned away.

"I guess I couldn't stop thinking about her, her situation, what she must've been going through when she decided to take that bike out…and what made her decide to trust me. Got kinda bogged down in all of that. But then we got back for lunch and all the guys started to rag on Carl and Chet and it just…well it kinda made me feel better."

"Like life was returning to some kind of normalcy."

"That's exactly it. Got me out of the mental rut I was in."

I heard something in the dorm. I grabbed his knee, suddenly, and turned toward the dorm, gesturing for him to keep still. I listened. Sounded like Stoker was moving in his sleep. Then it was just the sound of all of them breathing; Cap was snoring real softly. _Whew!_ I was afraid we'd awakened somebody.

I glanced back at him. "So you're feeling better?"

"A little." He didn't say anything for a bit and his eyes got sad, again. "Say, uh, you holdin' up okay about that girl in the ambulance?"

I hadn't expected the question and the images came at me, fast and furious…

"…_pressure's dropping…!"_

"…_it's internal. Dammit!..."_

"…_hold on, sweetheart, please, just hold on! We're almost there…!"_

**Roy:**

His eyes went distant. He leaned over to rest an elbow on his knee, a hand over his mouth. He hitched a couple of breaths and his eyes were closed. He sat like that for a while, just breathing. He finally sighed, rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, pinched the bridge of his nose, then wiped his face and rested his chin in the palm of his hand.

I shook him gently by the back of the neck.

He sat up and laid his hand on my knee. "Sorry, partner. I thought I was okay."

"'S'okay." I shook him again.

He gently patted my knee, "At least Melissa will have a chance."

I rubbed his back a little, let my hand slide down, feeling comforted by his presence. But I just couldn't shake how sad I felt for her. "I just really hope those doctors and social workers can help her."

Johnny leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face, "Yeah…"

We sat together on the bunk, shoulder to shoulder like that, hearing the other guys sleeping and relishing the comfort we were both feeling from each other, the rest of the night.

* * *

><p><strong>Johnny:<strong>

I looked out the rear doors of the ambulance and saw Roy following in the Squad, then veer off down a side street while we continued on to the hospital. I was hoping he was feeling okay.

I'd stayed up all night with him at the end of our last shift. We hadn't really said anything after we talked. We just kinda…sat together, I guess. He seemed to be feeling a little better this morning but we got kinda busy and hadn't had a whole lot of time to talk.

He was planning to see Melissa at Rampart; see how she was doin'. It was the first time he'll have seen her since we'd brought her in. He'd been worried she was gonna think he'd ditched her or something and destroyed the trust she'd given him.

That, out of everything, was what bugged him the most.

I heard my patient performing her Lamaze breathing techniques again. "Are you sure I'm not going into labor?"

"Are you feeling them again?"

"Uh huh."

"Where?"

"Right here," she gestured to her lower abdomen.

My current patient, in the meantime, was also having trust issues. Despite her doctor's previous precautions and my telling her that that she was most likely undergoing Braxton Hicks, she just felt better going to the hospital. It was her first baby and she wasn't about to deliver her child at a gas station in some strange city that she'd just moved to while her husband was at his new job.

Certainly seemed reasonable to me.

I looked at my watch and waited for her to tell me when they stopped.

She blew out a long breath. "Okay."

"Two minutes. Your last contraction was six minutes, Mrs. Miyako."

"So…Braxton Hicks? You're sure?"

I gave her my best smile. "I'm sure. The contractions before that were 4 minutes and then one, right?"

"Right…" She closed her eyes and exhaled again. "Ronald is gonna be so happy. Don't get me wrong," she added quickly. "He really wants this. But he was worried all last night that I was going to go into labor on his first day on the job." She giggled a little. "Will I be able to call my husband from the hospital?"

I scratched at my chin. "Well, now, Mrs. Miyako, they do frown on that sorta thing here. I don't know how it is where you're from, but, mothers-to-be shouldn't really be talking on the phone. Especially when they've gone into false labor."

She looked around like she was conspiring. "And not when they have mothers who expect their daughters to pass on family names to their grandchildren."

"Well what's wrong with that?"

"My mother expects my baby to carry a name that's been passed down in her family for the last six generations. At first I was proud to do that. Then I found out what it meant." Her face screwed up like she was about to puke.

I was afraid to ask. "What?"

"'Bad smell'. Do you really expect me to give my child that name?"

I about cracked up!

"Well did it get passed on to you?"

"Fortunately, no. My sister, got it, though." She shuddered. "I think my mother is trying to punish me for marrying an Okinawan."

I had to admit, I had no idea what that meant. "Well…aren't you, uh, Okinawan, too?"

"Japanese. We're supposed to hate each other. But that's my parents' generation. I don't care what Ronald is. He loves me, I love him. I trust him. That's what's supposed to matter, right…?"

I could feel the ambulance backing in and it was just in time because her voice rose up a notch as another contraction came at her, followed by an "Ooomph!".

"Okay, Mrs. Miyako, we're here. Try sitting up, that oughta ease off the contractions."

She did and it did and Hal and Todd and I wheeled her in to Treatment 3, per Nurse Carol's instructions.

After I helped get Mrs. Miyako settled and me released by Dr. Allan, I stepped outside and met Roy in the hallway.

**Roy:**

"Any complications?" I asked my grinning partner. If I hadn't known better, I'd've thought he was the father.

He looked back at the closed treatment door, all smiles. "Nope. She seems like a real neat lady, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, she does." I couldn't help smiling, myself. Even with being in pain and embarrassed, I'm sure, with all those strangers ogling her, she'd kept her sense of humor and sharp wit. She was actually a lot of fun.

I wish all of our patients were like that.

"I just hope she isn't forced to name her kid," Johnny said.

"Huh?"

"I'll tell you later. You, uh…you still gonna see Melissa?"

**Johnny:**

He held up the paper bag in his head.

I couldn't help but grin at him. "You're gonna be her hero, I'll bet."

He hung his head for a second, like he was trying to convince himself to go, "Well, we'll see about that."

I wanted to reach out to him, but…it just somehow didn't seem right. "You want some company?"

He leveled me with that vulnerable look, again, and my heart went out to him. Then he turned away and looked toward the elevators. "No, I…I think I'd better do this alone."

I wanted to…touch him, say something, do something to let him know he wasn't alone, but, I just…I just couldn't think of anything. "OK. I'll, uh, I'll get the supplies and be in the lounge."

"Okay. Alright." And off he went.

I watched him walk alone down that long hallway, kinda slow like he was dreadin' it, hangin' his head like he'd just lost a patient. The image of that just burned into my memory…and I couldn't shake it.

**Roy:**

I knocked…and opened the door a little.

She was lying in her bed, her left shoulder all bandaged up, watching tv. The bruise by her eye seemed to be healing, too. She turned to see who was coming in and her face lit up. _Whew!_

"Heya, Roy." She sounded relieved.

"Hey there, yourself. Sorry I haven't had a chance to come by until now," I walked in and stood near the bed.

"It's okay. It's not like I cared if you would ever stop by."

"I figured not. Not that I care about how you're doing, either. I just have to make it look good to the hospital staff."

"I understand. Did you get promoted, yet?"

"Well that's why I'm here. The head of the Emergency department is my other boss. He's in charge of the paramedics."

"Ohhhhh. So you gotta make it look like you care about the people you've brought in."

"Ee-yup. If I can manage to fake it often enough…"

She play-shot me with her 'finger-gun' and winked. "Gotcha."

"So. How are you doing, not that I care?"

"Horrible, Roy. They change the dressings, they feed me, they give me pain meds and they force me to lie around and watch television."

"That's pretty bad."

She leaned over to me as if there were other people in the room, "Actually, the food really kinda stinks."

"Yeah. I figured." I placed the bag on her table.

"What is that?"

"Another stab at my promotion."

She opened it with some help from me. "Oh, no _way!_ This is _choice!_" With some help from me, she unwrapped the hamburger and bit into it like she'd never eaten before. Then she mumbled something with her squirrel cheeks.

"I didn't hear you."

She squealed at the milkshake that was also in the bag, took a long sip from it, then finally swallowed the burger she'd been chewing. "I really hate you, Roy." She devoured a fistful of fries.

"I know." I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"I hope you have a wife and daughter who hate you, too," she said, digging in the bag and squealed again when she found the brownie.

"I do."

"That's good. How old is your daughter?"

"She's eight," I said, proudly.

She stopped chewing, right then. Her expression clouded over and her eyes took on a faraway look. "Oh. I hope you treat her worse than you treat me," her voice was pretty soft.

_Ohhh boy_…

"Yeah. I do. A lot worse."

"That's good. It must suck to have a dad like you."

_If only you knew the half of it_…_then again, you probably do, don't you? _"Yeah. She tells me that often." I had to find a way out of that conversational track. "You, uh, you gonna get outta here, soon?"

She took a deep breath and seemed to shake off whatever had come over her. "I think so. They're having me go through some physical therapy. Showing me how to get around on my one good foot and use one arm for stuff."

"Occupational therapy," I corrected her as she took a bite.

"Whichever." At least I think that's what she'd said. It was a little hard to tell with her mouth stuffed. Not unlike a particular paramedic I know…

"That's good. That's real good." I'd been trying to figure out how to ask whether she'd gotten any help from the social workers, but there seemed no appropriate time or way to do that without pushing her back into hiding.

A knock sounded and a nurse walked in. "Hey, Melissa. Time for your therapy session. You ready?"

Guess the answer to that question was gonna have to wait. We said our goodbyes and I told her I'd try to see her again before she got discharged, and then I went in search of my partner.

After that…revelation with Melissa, I really needed to see him. Needed to…return to normalcy. Although, I guess in our case, lately, 'normal' had gotten a little abnormal.

I saw him down the hallway at the waiting area, talking to a nervous-looking gentleman. Mr. Miyako, I guessed. Johnny saw me heading over to him. I suddenly felt a sense of _relief_, like I'd been running out of air and there he was with an extra air pack. He grabbed the box of supplies that was on the desk, waved to the gentleman and we met up right at the water fountain.

"How'd it go with Melissa?" he asked, looking worried.

"Okay. Not too bad, really. She was ecstatic over the lunch I brought her."

"I told you, you were gonna be her hero," he smiled, pleased with himself.

"Yeah, she—"

"Johnny?" came the pining greeting of a young nurse coming in from the ambulance entrance.

Eyes wide, he flicked a desperate glance at me then turned to her and I grabbed the box from him, more for the safety of the supplies than for his dignity. He cleared his throat, and tried to compose himself, "Yeah, hi," he answered, fidgeting. He sidestepped a little, like he wasn't sure what to say or who to say it to. He flashed the pretty young nurse a smile before subtly caressing my elbow in a seemingly public gesture of 'let's go' and hurried out to the Squad.

But for all its public display, I knew what he meant by that touch. And it had me a little surprised.

I looked out the door and then at the stunned young woman, whose dejected expression after Johnny had quickly morphed into outright distress. I gave her a friendly smile to ease her down a little then followed after my partner.

Johnny was already in the Squad by the time I caught up with him. "LA, Squad 51, available," Johnny said and returned the mic to its casing.

I got in, stealing a glance at him patiently waiting before I settled in behind the wheel. What I said, earlier, about us reaching a point where one of us was going to want a change that neither of us was ready for? I didn't know where we'd been heading. I guess, I, certainly, had no idea why it'd even come about in the first place.

But here we were, going through these motions; these emotions…

Seeing him ditch Katy like that… and thinking back to last shift where we just sat together in the dorm… I had a feeling our relationship was about to escalate to that very point I'd been concerned about. I was afraid that we were about to breach a wall for which there'd be no turning back. _And for what?_ _What exactly had either one of us honestly expected to happen between us?_

_This has gone on long enough._

It had to end.

We passed through the LA traffic and a million phrases leap-frogged in my mind as I desperately tried to think of a way to end this odd spell in our relationship. While we were alone. Before we got back to the station. Before this whole thing got completely out of hand…

"Hey, Johnny, uh," I flicked a glance at him. He was staring out front. "…is there, uh, is there anything you'd like to talk about? Something that's been on your mind lately, perhaps? Something I should know about?"

"What do you mean?"

_How do I do this?_ "Well, that nurse, back there. Katy? I thought you'd been trying to get a date with her last coupla months. But the minute she seems interested, you barely lay eyes on her. What gives?"

**Johnny:**

I couldn't believe he was asking me that. Wasn't sure if he was trying to gauge where we were or if he was honestly that clueless. Some'in' had to be done. We had to talk about this.

**Roy:**

I managed to look over at him. Elbow on a raised knee, he rubbed his mouth and I felt his eyes on me as I watched the road. "Roy, stop the Squad. Pull over."

_Now you've done it._ I glanced back at him and saw the seriousness on his face. All of a sudden, now that it seemed imminent that the cover of all of this was about to get blown, I instantly regretted saying anything at all. But I guess we had been – _I_ had been – running from it long enough. I found a parking space at the side of the road and eased into it. The normal, easy camaraderie between us suddenly seemed awkward and a little tense, like a string pulled too taught. _On second thought,_ _I should've just left well-enough alone…_

"Roy, let's not kid ourselves. I think we both know what's been going on."

My heartbeat started to kick up a storm. I had to hide my inherent shock and flicked an uneasy glance at him, a little taken aback at how direct he was and wondered how to stuff this all back into the Pandora's box I'd just opened.

_Sure, we both know what's been going on. But I'm not convinced we're ready for this. Because there's no going back, otherwise… _

"In regards to what, exactly?"

A sigh of irritation. He laid his head against the tips of his fingers, "C'mon, Roy. Don't play dumb."

_I have to, partner 'cause I need to be sure we're on the same page..._

"Look, it's obvious we've been…playing with each other." Johnny sighed and looked straight at me.

That intense look on his face shot his words right into me, jacking up my heart rate beyond what was humanly possible. _Jesus Christ, Johnny. Pulse 150,000 and thready_… Relief and terror twisted my stomach inside-out. The only place I could hide was out the window. I ran my hands along the steering wheel to distract myself, to feel something other than the knot in my stomach. My gut reaction was to hide from this sudden exposure, but I knew it was too late for that. I mean, after all, that was why I brought it up, wasn't it? But I guess I was hoping for a controlled drip, not a full dose all at once.

"Yeah. Yeah, I suppose we have."

"You _suppose?_"

"Alright, we have." _And it has to end here_. I looked him straight in the eye. "But I think we've both been playing with…a kind of fire that maybe we're not all that equipped to deal with. And, so maybe we oughta just…leave it alone."

"_Do_ _you_ want to leave it alone?"

"I think it'd be best, don't you?"

"That's not what I asked you."

His statement caught me off-guard and it took a moment to get back on track. "Johnny, look, I don't have to tell you—"

"Why're you avoiding the question, Roy?"

"I'm _not_ avoiding the question, there are just—"

"Yes, you are! Yes, you are, look, forget everything else and just—"

"It's not that simple."

"I _know_ that. But, just for the moment, forget everything else, okay? Just forget everything and concentrate on what you want to do. What do _you_ want out of this? _Do you_ want to leave it alone?"

What did I want out of this? That was just about the same question I'd been starting to ask. Except I hadn't really been thinking about the answer.

I saw my left hand on the wheel and realized that there's only one other question on the face of this earth that ever had me as unsettled and nervous as much as the one Johnny just asked.

All I could do was stare at my hands on the steering wheel as I tried to sort out, unsuccessfully, I might add, the rolling tumble of feelings in my gut.

What did I want out of this? I had no idea what 'this' even was or had become.

But it was _something_…wasn't it?

In a heartbeat, I'd never risk losing Joanne or the kids.

Ever.

But now that - whatever this was - was out in the open and no longer locked away in either of our minds, the cold hard truth was that I couldn't ignore it. I'd tried. It hadn't worked.

I'd done everything I could think of to keep things from getting to this point and yet, here we were. It simply wasn't going away. But even more than that…I hadn't ever really wanted it to go away.

And I didn't understand why.

I loved my wife, I knew it with every fiber of my being. Yet…I was feeling something for my partner, too.

In his usual round-a-bout way, Johnny was right.

We had to deal with it.

_I_ had to deal with it.

**Johnny:**

He closed his eyes and gripped the steering wheel like his life depended on it.

And maybe it did.

We'd gone around each other long enough – something was bound to break. I'd actually been trying to avoid Katy because I wasn't sure what was really goin' on with me an' Roy. I'd been feeling like we'd been heading toward something without either one of us havin' a clue what it was. At least, _I_ sure didn't. It was like we'd gone too far in the locker room and had to back off a little. Then we hit this comfortable spot and we'd been feelin' okay about it…but between my patient and his, it was like we were startin' to need each other more than maybe we had before.

But when he asked about Katy just now, I figured he was runnin' again, like he did in the locker room. We had to face the music or drive ourselves crazy goin' back and forth like we've been doing. We had to figure out what this was between us and what to do about it.

I was really curious – and really worried – about what was goin' on in his head. He was concentrating awfully hard. I wondered if maybe I'd either asked the wrong question or asked something he'd never be able to answer.

Or maybe I was just worried about what that answer might be.

**Roy:**

The memory…the feel of his hands…I remembered, so vividly…

_As we dangled off a __cliff__, for crying out loud._

…_I felt his hands on my shoulders slide down my chest and I flinched a bit when this…_ feeling_… cascaded all the way down inside of me and warmed me down to my toes…_

…_Everything he did in thinking he was doing me a favor, was, in fact, doing exactly the opposite. I'd've rather endured an anesthetic-free tonsillectomy at that moment than feel his hands sliding all over me._

…_Every…caress, every touch of his hands was sending sensations through me that I couldn't... It was like I'd taken a plunge into an ice bath I couldn't get enough air. I think I was about to go into respiratory arrest…_

Why – _why_ at that moment, did I respond to Johnny that way during a _routine medical procedure_? If it had been Dwyer or Gil, would I have done the same thing? Or Brice?

I automatically rejected the idea of reacting to any of those guys with anything other than a sense of disgust and an inward shudder. Not unlike how Joanne reacts to lizards, I guess.

Okay…so it _really is_ Johnny that I'm reacting to…

_But…why? And why then? And what does that mean?_

When Johnny touched me on that cliff, it invoked a feeling of…_something._ I just couldn't put my finger on it. I'd gone through and rejected every reasonable explanation. So what other reasonable options were left? Or was the answer reasonable without it being acceptable? Holy cow…had I been lying to Joanne all this time? To myself? To the kids…? Who is Roy DeSoto, happily married man, who suddenly, inexplicably, finds his partner's simple touch spinning his head around?

I had to understand it. Before it drove me to the funny farm.

Johnny was saying something, "…I mean, it's not something you necessarily have to decide right now, I mean, these kinds of things—"

**Johnny:**

"No." I almost didn't hear him, his voice was so soft.

"No…what? You're not deciding or you don't want to leave it alone?"

A loud rapping at my window startled us both and we jumped.

"Hey, fellas, you alright?" A rather portly gentleman in a suit and tie stood on the pavement looking concerned at us. I rolled down the window, "Hi. You need some help?"

"Hi there. Oh, no. I just wanted to make you sure you fellas were okay."

**Roy:**

"Uh, yeah," I answered from across the cab, trying to keep my voice even and ease down my heart, which, I was certain, had been shocked clear into Oregon. "The engine sounded kinda funny. Thought we'd cool it down for a bit."

"Oh, okay. I was just in the deli over there and noticed you boys pulled over and hadn't moved. Thought maybe something was wrong. My brother's a fireman over in Philly. Kinda tend to look out for 'em, y'know?"

"We appreciate it."

"Not a problem. You fellas take care."

"You, too. Thanks for checking on us," my partner waved as the gentleman made his way down the sidewalk. Johnny hunched over, let out a long breath and threw me an exquisite smile of relief, "Nice rescue there, Fireman Roy DeSoto."

I rolled my eyes. "Considering our relationship the past few weeks, it wasn't entirely untruthful. We'd better roll, Junior. We'll have to continue this, later." I keyed the engine and waited for a car to pass.

His hand was on my arm, "Hold on, so, 'No'…what?"

I quickly glanced at him before I pulled out onto the road.

_TBC_


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**A/N:** Great and indebted thanks, as always, to my beta readers for their support and technical help with this chapter. Remaining errors are mine. _Emergency!_ is the property of Mark VII and Universal. No copyright infringement is intended. All original characters are mine. Elements within this story are not to be used without my permission. [posted 12/9/12]

Enjoy the holidays, everyone! See you next year!

**WARNING:** This chapter contains discussion of adult content.

* * *

><p><strong>Roy:<strong>

_Fantastic. Good job there, DeSoto. I can just see the Department Inquiry now:_

_So, Mr. DeSoto, tell us how and why you decided to run your captain over._

'_Well, it wasn't a conscious decision. I had no way of knowing he was in the office at the time'._

_Can you estimate for us how many times you've backed the rescue squad into the apparatus bay during your tenure at Station 51?_

'_Oh, I dunno, several hundreds, by now, I suppose.'_

_All without incident?_

"_Well, no one's complained, up till now."_

_And yet, somehow, on this particular day, you backed the vehicle directly into the captain's office, destroying county property by creating a gaping hole in the office wall and running over your captain's foot and his favorite pen. Can you tell us why?_

'_Like I said, I wasn't aiming for it. I was…'_

_You were what?_

'_Distracted, I guess.'_

_Distracted? How? Remember, you're under oath._

_'Well, see, my partner and I'd just had a heart to heart in the Squad about how our __professional relationship seems to be turning into an intimately __personal __one__ and whether it's feasible to allow it to continue that way, __especially__ in the midst of my happy marriage and his skirt-chasing shenanigans, so I'm sur__e you can understand how addled I was feeling, right about__ then…'_

I wasn't sure what was keeping my heart pounding at 100 miles an hour, our conversation just now or the fact that I hadn't yet recovered from that gentleman knocking on Johnny's window. Either way, I was having a mess of a time concentrating on backing the Squad in. The last ten minutes of my life was looping endlessly through my mind and God knows I couldn't keep focused on anything for longer than half a second.

'_No…what? You're not deciding or you don't want to leave it alone…?'_

I felt bad about not answering Johnny, but I had a good reason. Well, two good reasons. Not the least of which was that I needed to clear my head and make sure I wasn't responding from a strictly emotional standpoint. There was too much at stake. The other and more immediate reason was that we were two minutes out from quarters. I didn't want us getting heavily involved in a deep, intimate discussion just to stop in the middle of it the moment we got back. While I think we were both a little jarred at that gentleman's interruption, in retrospect, his timing was perfect. We had to be getting back and this was hardly the kind of thing I wanted to discuss in front of the Engine crew.

Now that…whatever had been happening between us was out in the open, the next step to consider was: Where do we go from here? While we _really did_ need to discuss it, trying to carry on a meaningful conversation between runs was hardly an option.

I did finally manage to back in without destroying the station and saw Cap in the side mirror walk out of the dayroom to meet us. Johnny radioed in to Dispatch that we were in quarters. I was about to kill the engine, but the usual '10-4' over the radio was replaced by three beeps. _"Squad 51, stand by for response." _

Johnny and I looked at each other in a bit of confused astonishment.

"Boy, dispatch doesn't fool around," Johnny said.

Considering the headspace I was in, I decided it was best not to read anything into that and just ignore his comment altogether.

"_Squad 51, in place of Squad 36. Meet Engine 36 at their incident. Woman down from toxic fumes. 6723 Goddard Street. 6-7-2-3 Goddard. Cross street, E. Lynx. Time out: 1534."_

Johnny acknowledged the call and I pulled out and hit the road again, catching Cap's surprised expression and resigned wave in the mirror.

**Johnny:**

It was a couple of hours before we finally got back to the station, smelling like a chemical plant.

I backed in to the bay and grabbed his arm before he got out. "Roy, now, you can't leave me hangin', here."

He looked a little confused. "You wanna catch me up on which planet you're on, right now?"

"Don't give me that. When I asked you earlier about whether you weren't deciding or not leaving this alone between us, you said 'no'. I asked you what you meant and you never answered me. So, I'm askin' – which is it?"

"This is hardly the place to discuss it, don't you think?"

"All I want is a straight-forward answer! I don't need a detailed explanation."

"But it deserves one. Look, we can't do this piecemeal between runs and drills and mealtimes. We need to devote _real time_ to figuring this out and I don't think the Squad is really the place for it."

**Roy:**

He looked down at his shoes and I could see him turning all that around in his head. Then he looked over at me with this half-amused sheepish look on his face, "You're right. But you're still not gonna answer my question, are you?"

I rolled my eyes, got out of the Squad and headed for the locker room to clean up and change into a cleaner, nicer-smelling uniform.

**Johnny:**

_Well, it never hurt to try…_

We passed Kelly comin' out of the latrine. His nose wrinkled and he side-stepped us, holding his nose. "What the hell were you guys playing in at that lab fire?"

"Oh shush Kelly, it's not that bad."

"Trust me, Gage, it _is_ that bad. You just can't smell it."

He was probably right.

After we cleaned up, we were more than ready for dinner. As hungry as I was though, I was pretty worried about what might be waitin' for us. It was Chet's turn to cook and I was _not_ lookin' forward to any kind of lima bean/celery soup I was sure he'd concocted out of some recipe book for horror movie addicts.

Figured if we didn't like what he was servin' we could go find somethin' else, although I know Cap frowns on us leavin' the station just to eat.

I followed Roy out of the locker room to the kitchen, but we looked at each other when we realized somethin' didn't seem right an' we started walking faster.

**Roy:**

Johnny and I both realized something was off before we even got to the doorway. It was dinner time, we were starving and yet we weren't smelling anything cooking. Of course, that might've been because we simply couldn't smell anything at all, from the noxious fumes we'd been swimming in all afternoon.

I stopped at the doorway and looked in the kitchen.

The empty kitchen.

Empty. Like my stomach.

Well, it wasn't entirely empty. Chet was at the table nose-deep in a book. With nothing on the stove.

_You've got to be kidding me_. _It's déjà vu all over again…_

I felt Johnny come up behind me, finger tips gently pressing in my back and he was looking over my shoulder. My eyes closed as a warm feeling came over me at his touch and at how close he was.

Johnny moved past me and walked into the kitchen like he was tracking a hot spot. He looked at Chet and then at the empty stove.

"Chester B. Kelly, what are you doing?"

He looked at Johnny like he'd been insulted or something. "I'm reading, Gage. What's it look like? And by the way, you smell a lot better."

"Well _why're_ you reading? I thought you'd be gettin' dinner on. What're we having, anyway?"

"Beef stroganoff and it's a little too early to start on dinner."

"No, it's not, it's almost six-thirty!"

Chet snapped his head up with this stricken look on his face. "Shit, _really?_ No way." He looked at me for confirmation and I nodded to him before I started rummaging in the fridge. I thought I remembered Mike bringing in some grapes this morning.

He slid the book aside and flung the refrigerator door out of my hands before I could close it. "Cap's gonna be pissed," he muttered as food came flying out of the fridge. "Hey guys, do me a favor, will ya? Start in on the salad, for me, okay? I've got all the fixin's right here," he cupped a gesture over all the stuff he put on the counter.

I popped a bunch of grapes in my mouth, "I can't believe he'd be that upset over dinner being a few minutes late."

Chet set the pan on the stove and opened the packages of sirloin. "Oh no no no no no, Roy, you don't understand. He got a phone call from HQ 'bout half an hour ago."

"Oh. Yeah." That sometimes puts Cap in a less than stellar mood.

"And then he's hungry on top of that? I don't mind gettin' latrine duty 'cause I was late. But I _sure_ don't want it because he's passin' down grief from some chief who's all uptight about how many paper clips the department is wasting."

"Well it's not _our_ fault you were late startin' om dinner," Johnny whined.

"Guys, c'mon. Could ya help me, please? I mean, you're only delaying your own chow, anyhow."

"Yeah, okay," Johnny relented. He held up the head of lettuce at me. I gulped down the last of the grapes in my hand and grabbed the lettuce from him while he did the tomatoes.

"So what're you reading, Chet?"

The meat started sizzling in the pan. "Oh, it's a great book, Roy. Sexual Behavior in the Human Male by Alfred Kinsey."

**Johnny:**

Roy and I both kinda stopped for a second, both of us tryin' not to look like we weren't lookin' at each other. I think the same thing was on both our minds – had somebody…_noticed?_ I think we both started feeling pretty damned nervous. Figured I'd do some digging and try to ferret out what Chet was up to.

I cleared my throat. "Finally convinced a girl to go out with you, huh, Chet? Kinda expecting a lot for the first date, though, ain'tcha?"

"Very funny, John. As a matter of fact, I did start reading it after I met this really cool chick at Tito's, over by the university."

"Oh, Chet! C'mon…" I couldn't help but laugh out of sheer relief, but, then, considering it was Chet, it automatically made it pretty funny, anyway.

"No, really, Gage. She's a graduate student in the Sociology department. Some guy from the Kinsey Institute is comin' over to do a seminar for her department next week. She invited me to go and suggested I read this, first. You'd get a kick out of it, Gage. There's some _reaaaally_ interesting stuff in there," he jabbed at it with his finger.

I couldn't believe it!

"Now why would – ! I don't need any help with…you know, anything like that! I mean, _huh!_ I can see why _you'd_ need to read it before meetin' up with a girl, Chet. But I'm perfectly capable of…all of…that kind of stuff entirely on my own, thank you very much!"

_I couldn't – ! The nerve of that guy!_

**Roy:**

After planting his feet on the floor and turning the very color of the vegetable he was slicing, he finally finished huffing his indignation around and returned to the tomatoes. I handed him the lettuce and took over tomato duty just so I could keep the knife out of his hands.

Chet sighed. "Gage, cool it will ya? It's not a manual for sex. It's about Kinsey's observations and theories about male sexuality based on studies he'd done with a lot of subjects. It's a classic text."

Johnny threw Kelly a skeptical look, "A classic, huh?"

"He's right, you know. It's quite the book."

Johnny's eyes bugged out at me and he pointed to the book like he'd just banished it from the kingdom. "You've _read_ that?"

"Oh yeah."

His eyes narrowed to that curious look he gets while he tries to figure out if you're puttin' him on, "You sound like you enjoyed it."

"Well, it _was_ interesting. It was completely controversial when he wrote it, too. Probably still is. All the taboo subjects that no one's supposed to talk about. Considering this wasn't too long before the days of Ozzie and Harriet."

"What wasn't too long before the days of Ozzie and Harriet?" Cap asked as he walked in with his mug and grabbed the coffee pot.

"Male sexuality," Chet replied, stirring the meat around.

The coffee pot hung in mid-air. Still pouring coffee, I might add. He managed to recover before his cup overran. "Did you say male sexuality?" Cap's eyebrows furrowed until they ran together. I don't think I'd realized he's very much like Dr. Brackett, in that regard.

"He's reading Alfred Kinsey," I explained.

"Oh. I was gonna say I'm fairly certain male sexuality was alive and well _way_ before Ozzie and Harriet or none of us would be here." He sipped his coffee, "Well, gentlemen, I was gonna have us work on that extrication drill before dinner but it's too late to start up now. Where's Stoker and Lopez?"

"Out back at the hose tower," Chet responded.

Cap threw the unknowing Chet a side-long glance. "Mm-hm. John, go tell Stoker and Lopez that we'll do the drill after dinner. And Chet, since you opted to read instead of helping your tired, poor huddled crew with the chores, you can finish it for them after the drill."

"Aw, Cap! I was just expanding my horizons," Chet whined, hands apart.

"Well, you can expand the hoses, instead. Do I make myself clear, Kelly?"

"Sure, Cap."

My head was still spinning. I didn't know what to make of all that. Felt like I'd walked into a hornet's nest. Alfred Kinsey and male sexuality. I was starting not to like how this day was turning out.

Dinner was finally ready and we all sat down to eat. I guess that whole conversation between Johnny and me, earlier in the Squad, had made me a little jumpy. Add Alfred Kinsey on top of that and my ears had been so rewired I was simply incapable of hearing any sort of normal conversation...

Cap was spreading his salad around with his fork. "So, Mike, I'm giving you and Marco a break from hose duty. Since Chet was busy expanding his horizons, he'll finish up for you after the drill."

"No problem, Cap. That new hose was awfully stiff, though. Made it pretty hard for us to wrangle it. The rest are pretty limp, so they should be easy to lay and pack."

_ Uhh…? S-stiff…? Pretty limp—? _I cleared my throat, scanned the table in a panic, grabbed the pot and tried to make a racket of dishing more stroganoff onto my plate.

"Yeah, what was the size of that one?" Cap munched on his salad.

"Three and-a-half."

"Right. Well, we won't need that one, just yet. Just let it hang for awhile, okay?"

"Sure, Cap."

My face was getting hot. I grabbed my milk to hide behind the cup and tried to drink it _real slow_.

"Any other problems?"

"Most of them dried, but there's an inch-and-a-half that's still wet and one that's gonna have to get stretched."

_…Hell, I'd give real money for a rubbish fire, right about now…_

"Okay. By the way, were you filling the tank through the _discharge _valve?"

"Yeah. We went through that at the training last shift. I asked you about it earlier, remember?"

"Oh. I thought you were just _pulling my leg_. Didn't realize you were actually gonna _do_ it. But why'd you have the reel line out?"

"I wanted to see how the pressure would hold up if the reel line valve was open while the tank was filling. Just in case."

"Okay... So, how was the flow?"

"There wasn't an adequate stream in the reel line with the valve on. It just dribbled out of the nozzle…"

I couldn't take it anymore.

I was desperate for lettuce – anything that could crunch loud enough to drown out the chit-chat at the table. I snatched the salad bowl and shoveled the rest onto my plate. I looked over at Johnny and he was scratching behind his ear, trying to catch my eye out of the corner of his. Ee-yup. He hadn't missed any of that, either. _Oh brother_…

"Roy? You alright? You look kinda pale," Cap asked.

"Actually, Cap, he looks a little flushed," Chet corrected.

**Johnny:**

He stopped in mid-chew at Cap's question with this shell-shocked look on his face.

"Man, what the hell was in those fumes you guys were playin' in earlier?" Chet wondered. "You both look like you've been sniffin' sulfur all afternoon."

**Roy:**

I was trying to come up with some kind of answer – to either question - but I was rescued, thankfully, by Stoker.

"Hey, what's this book?"

"Sorry, fellas. Forgot to clear it from the table," Chet answered, reaching for it.

Mike turned the cover around so he could read the title. "_This_ is why you left me and Marco to hang all the hose?"

"What is it?" Marco asked. Stoker handed it over to him. Marco took one look at it and wrinkled his nose. "Why'd you wanna read that for? If they have one for women, I think _that_ would be a lot more interesting."

Kelly wiped his mouth with his napkin. "It's a classic text, you guys. Goes into all the aspects of the male sexual mind."

"We already know all about the male sexual mind," Stoker countered.

"Yeah…but _women_ don't know all about the male sexual mind. They _think_ they do. So they're gonna read this and try to pit their knowledge against Kinsey's research. I just wanna get a better understanding of where they're coming from so as to open the lines of communication to further a deeper level of intimacy."

"Admit it, Chet. You just wanna get laid," Marco said.

"Yeah, well that, too."

We all laughed.

"But really guys, it's a fantastic insight into all different types of sexual behavior. You never know if some chick you dig is gonna be into sex toys or the Kama sutra or any of that kinda stuff. It simply opens your mind to the endless possibilities that await the intimate experience and who knows, maybe there'll be something in there that strikes your fancy that you might wanna try someday with that perfect Someone."

Marco was playing with his salad. "Maybe it's just me, but…I'm not sure I get why some people are into all that stuff. Using toys and…dolls and aphrodisiacs and acting out fantasies and all that other stuff. Why can't people just make love?"

"Well, don't look at me, I'm not into all that kinky stuff," Cap said, keepin' his head down as he forked another mouthful.

Kelly chewed on his stroganoff, "Well, obviously, different people go about it differently and that's what Kinsey was studying – the full spectrum of human sexuality. What makes Marco a straight lover as opposed to Stoker who might fantasize about getting it on with someone like ole Mrs. Deedy with an inch and a half?"

I heard Cap stifle a snort.

_Clink!_ A fork dropped onto a plate. "Oh come on, Chet. What'd you pick on me for?" Stoker glared at the still-munching Kelly. "She's probably older than my grandmother."

Chet's empty hand sliced the air. "Strictly demonstration, babe."

"Just because I told her that one time that her cake was delicious. And it was. Boy, you tell someone something nice and innocent and all of a sudden someone accuses you of having the hots for them."

"Like I said, Mike, I'm just using that as an example. Besides, I saw the way you looked at her."

_Clink!_ "That's because her– " Mike looked around like he expected her to walk in at any second. He leaned over to us and whispered, "That's because her underwear was showing. I was trying to come up with a polite way to tell her and help salvage her dignity."

Cap coughed into his napkin and I could see the smirk he was trying to hide poking out from the edge of the napkin.

"And that's how fantasies sometimes start, Mike. Innocent little acts of life that become symbols and imagery when we reach out in the hopes of connecting with other people," Chet explained.

"Cap, can we leave him behind the next time we get a call?" Mike pleaded.

"And miss out on all this? Not on your life, pal."

"Take John and Roy for example."

_Clink! _

_Clink!_

I almost choked on the bite I'd just taken.

"What _about_ me and Roy?" Johnny was leaning forward, elbows on the table, shooting Kelly a dark look.

_Uh oh._ He was puffing up like an attack dog and I was worried that his penchant for defensiveness was gonna be interpreted as proof of guilt.

"Well, you guys are best friends, you hold the record for having the longest partnership in the county and you spend a lot of time with each other. It's not inconceivable that you might develop feelings for each other."

I could've sworn the room began to swim in my vision. I had to wonder if Chet had noticed something between Johnny and me or if he was just being Chet.

I tried to think of something to say to head off this line of discussion, but I was afraid an immediate protest would spark suspicion; much like how Johnny's overly passionate defensiveness might waggle a few brows.

I saw Johnny bouncing in his chair, twisting and turning as he tried to settle on who to yell at. He finally settled on Kelly.

**Johnny:**

"Are you _kiddin'_ me - !"

"Roy's a happily married man, Chet!" Marco looked almost shocked.

"Yeah. I'm a happily married man," Roy said, wiping his mouth with his napkin. 'Cept he said it kinda deadpan, like he wasn't sure he really was happily married. _Ahhhh hell…_

Chet gulped his milk, "Look, all I'm sayin' is, according to Kinsey's studies, even married men have had sexual relations with other males."

"While they were _married?_" I thought Marco's eyes were gonna pop out of his head!

"Sure. Some guys did it before they were married, you know, while they were young, like teenagers or in college. I suppose the rest got married and either continued on or started up after marital bliss kicked in."

"You'd better watch it, Gage," Marco grinned at me.

"Can we possibly talk about something else?" Roy was practically squirming in his seat.

I opened my mouth to tell Marco to go stick his fork in a socket when I heard Cap clear his throat.

"John? Roy?" He was lookin' at us pretty serious and he leaned on his fork. "Is there something going on between you two that I should know about?"

"Cap!"

"Relax, Gage, I'm just winding you up," Cap said. "Although I will say, he's got a point."

"CAP!" I couldn't believe it! And he just went right on eating without battin' an eye!

"I've seen it happen in the Army. Even the fire department. Guys just falling in love, left and right. Everywhere you looked."

Stoker and Lopez laughed it up right along with Cap. _Ah, swell. Sucking it up to the Cap! I swear_…. "That does it. I'm gettin' a transfer to another station."

"Great idea, John," Kelly said. "69s over in Pacific Palisades has an orgy house."

"It's for paramedics, only," Mike was saying. "It's called the Rescue Ride."

Roy threw his napkin at him.

"_Cap!"_ I tried to get him to put a stop to it but he started chokin' 'cause he was laughing at Mike's joke. "Serves you right," I told him. He just laughed harder!

Chet again. "Their paramedic meetings are really a façade for strip poker."

"No, Strip _Bandage_. Each time they lose, they have to strip off another loooong and windy layer." Marco! _Demonstrating!_ Can you believe it?

"No wonder they have to restock at Rampart so often," Mike quipped and they all bowled over, 'oooohing' like teenagers at us!

The whole damn Engine crew was fallin' all over each other, crackin' jokes at our expense!

**Roy:**

Johnny sighed, crossed his arms on the table and swiveled his head at me in resignation.

I realized my strategy had been all wrong. The only way to throw them off the scent was to "prove" they were right. "There's only one way outta this," I said to him and I could see he knew exactly what I was thinking.

**Johnny:**

"Revenge," we both agreed. Roy instantly grabbed Mike, I grabbed Chet and we made smooching noises at 'em. "Whoa!" Mike rolled off his chair underneath Roy and Chet shot up out of his seat like he'd been bitten by a rattler. I'd never seen Marco move so fast away from the table, thinkin' he was next and Cap was laughin' so damn hard he'd stumbled out of his chair, crying!

Roy was grinning at Stoker with a triumphant expression, while Mike was lookin' at him like he couldn't decide if he was mad or tryin' not to laugh. Chet was wiping his face like he'd just eaten a rotten egg or something.

"Hell, Gage. I think you tongued me!"

"No, I didn't, Chet! I didn't even get near you. Besides, even if I did, it serves you right," I said.

"Yeah. And next time, you don't get invited to any of our strip poker games," Roy scolded.

Stoker faced-off with Roy. "Is that so? Just remember, my rig is bigger than yours."

"Maybe it is. But mine is multi-functional," Roy countered with half a grin on his face.

I couldn't _believe_ those two!

Right then, the tones went off.

I almost couldn't get out of the kitchen fast enough. That whole entire dinner conversation about spun my head around!

I mean, I couldn't – ! I just – ! Of all the – !

_Man!_

**Roy:**

Thank god the tones dropped just then.

"_Station 51, Engine 110, Truck 38, Engine 36, Battalion 14, structure fire. Abandoned brewery. 286 Union Road. 2-8-6 Union. Cross street, Wheeling. Time out: 1919."_

Cap was wiping his eyes, "I'll tell Mrs. Deedy to meet us there, okay, Mike? She can watch you man the pumps." Cap squeezed Stoker's arm then chuckled as he ran to the call station.

Stoker stopped Chet with a hand on his chest and an angry look. "You're walking home, Kelly."

"What'd _I_ do?"

"He's not gonna stop busting my balls over Mrs. Deedy. Now I'm gonna hear about it all night."

"Just drive your massive rig, Stoker –"

"Guys, c'mon! C'mon!" Marco shoved all of us out of the kitchen and we headed to the fire.

I wasn't sure about Johnny, but I knew, once this run was over, my _brain_ was gonna be hearing that entire conversation for the next three shifts…

**~!~**

"Engine 36, 51! Come in from the north side! Hit the hydrant at Wheeling and 42nd! Truck 38, come on in and ventilate the roof!" Cap was waving 38s in as he shouted into the HT.

Sirens coming in overlaid the sirens at the edge of my hearing, melded with the radio chatter and creaking of the wood and brick of the building and I'm sure you can imagine it was a pretty chaotic scene.

A security guard for the building next door told Cap that this had been a brewery and had since been abandoned, but had no idea when they'd ceased operations or whether another business had taken over the space and then left. Not the best information you wanted to hear because that meant there was no real way to know what was in there.

Motion caught me out of the corner of my eye - 110s was racing to lay out their lines. Johnny and I were geared up, backing Chet and Marco with the attack lines on the south side. I looked at the two-story structure; I could hear the roaring coming from within and saw the flames shooting out of broken windows on the first floor. It wasn't gonna be long till she was fully involved. I pretty much wanted this to be over before we'd even started; I'm not a big fan of abandoned structures – like I said, they're dangerous.

Cap came running over to us. "John! Roy! We've got a report of possible civilians inside. Probably teenagers using this as a hang-out. S & R, okay? The minute you clear it, you let me know, got it?"

"Okay, Cap!" _Fantastic_. Civilians inside. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. I patted Johnny on the shoulder and we headed in.

**Johnny:**

We went on in and it was already real smoky inside. You could barely see any of the old vats in the middle of the first floor. It kinda smelled like burnt beer and…grass or something; probably the hops or the barley. A little ways in, a wooden staircase along the east wall led up to the second floor. The fire was advancing pretty fast from the north side; the first floor was getting more involved by the minute, despite all the crews tryin' to knock it down. Anyone still inside would either have gone to the second floor, escaped outside or…well, it wasn't pleasant to consider that last alternative.

The crews already cleared the first floor so Roy and I went to check the second. We tested the stairs and it seemed able to hold our weight. We headed up to what seemed to be an open space filled with a whole lotta junk. The heat hit us like we'd walked into an oven and the smoke seemed awfully thick for being a floor above the flames; _that_ had me a little worried.

I went left, he went right along the east side and we scoured that second floor, up, down and sideways and found a whole lot of desks, tables, filing cabinets, storage boxes and all kinds of stuff piled, strewn and otherwise laying around but saw no one.

As I was looking and searching and calling out, I noticed smoke coming up awfully thick over on my right. I moved over to figure out why and about tripped and fell over a railing I didn't know was there! Right in front of me was a cut-out in the floor, probably to accommodate the pipes to the vats coming from the ceiling, although the pipes were long gone. Fortunately, someone had the foresight to erect a railing to keep people from falling down the hole. The smoke from the first floor was coming right up through that center hole and, man, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face!

"_This is kind of a weird set-up_," Roy said over the HT.

"You found it too, huh? I almost sailed straight down over the railing!"

"_That about happened to me, too. Except my knee found it first."_

My paramedic ears perked up, "You a'right?"

"_Yeah. I'm fine_."

Yeah. Uh-huh. Mr. Let-me-hide-my-burns-from-my-partner.

It was getting hotter and harder to see the longer we were up there and I was worried those stairs we came up weren't gonna last long enough to be an egress.

I toggled my HT. "Roy? All clear on my end. Where are you?"

"_Heading back. Nobody here, either. If they were ever here, they've already gotten out. Engine 51, Squad 51. Clean sweep, Cap. No sign of civilians."_

"_Squad 51, Battalion 14. 10-4." _

I guess the cavalry arrived. "Hey, Roy, let's blow this joint."

"_No argument there." _I heard some kinda noise then he was back._ "Hey, Johnny? My alarm's going off. Let's get back to the– Oh no..."_

'_Oh no'? What do you mean 'oh no'? _"Roy? Roy, what's wrong? Roy!" I felt my gut just sink to my toes. "Roy!" _Dammit__, why aren't you __answering__ me?_

Then I heard my partner's voice over the HT and the whole world went sideways…

"_Battalion 14, Squad 51! We've got a chlorine gas leak and sodium hydroxide on the northeast side, second floor!"_

"_Squad 51! Do you have egress!" _

"_10-4, Battalion 14!"_

I skedaddled as fast as I could in, what I hoped, was the direction of the stairs, hopping over or running and skidding through all the detritus and office desks and whatever else it was that'd been left up there all this time. In this kind of situation, it's real easy to get turned around or lose your sense of distance. I got to that open area and peered through the thickening smoke and could _just_ about make out his flashlight. I waved my flashlight around. "Roy, over here!"

I could see his light moving toward me. Just as he came outta the smoke, he frantically waved me toward the stairs we'd come up. I waited a couple seconds longer for him to catch up to me then I grabbed his turnout sleeve and started _moving_ for those stairs. Roy put his hand on my shoulder and I could feel him veer me toward another path through all the _stuff_ so we could get to those stairs.

**Roy:**

Then we heard it. A god-awful, horrendous crashing noise right in front of us. Johnny's feet almost slid out from under him as he tried to stop, nearly taking me with him. He desperately grabbed at me and fought to keep his legs under him and I held onto him with equal desperation to keep him upright.

Thick clouds of smoke billowed up and the yellow-orange flames within brightened, along with the shouts from below.

We both looked at the smoke and caught brief glimpses of the gaping hole in the floor.

The stairs were no longer there.

**Johnny:**

_Shit!_

"So much for going out the way we came," Roy said.

I looked around – I thought I remembered seeing an EXIT sign earlier, but I'd lost track of it in the smoke. I grabbed at him again and headed toward where I _thought_ I remembered seeing it. Somewhere back along the west wall…

"_Squad 51, Battalion 14, the staircase to the second-floor has collapsed. What is your status?"_

I grabbed my HT, "10-4, Battalion 14! We believe we have a second egress along the west side. We're making for it now."

"_Do you require an aerial ladder?"_

"Not sure, Battalion 14! Will advise!" I didn't want to risk having another company nearby if those canisters Roy found suddenly went off. Not only that, I had no idea where the hell we were! I could barely see a foot in front of me. No use callin' for an aerial if we couldn't find a window.

"Do you know where you're going?"

"Hell if I know! Shit, Roy, we could be runnin' around in circles, up here!"

"Well, let's just go in some direction as forward as we can possibly go. We're bound to hit a wall at some point."

"Or go careening down those non-existent stairs."

"Well then we'd find out where we were."

"Well…yeah, there is that, I suppose – " _Ah dammit! Of all the…!_ "Roy! My alarm's goin' off!" I felt his hand on my back, pushing me to go faster. I had a hold of his other arm and kept going. Man! The heat was draggin' on me, I was sweatin' in my mask, in my turnouts, I could feel myself getting dizzy. And if _I_ was feeling it, I _know _he had to be feeling it, too_. _We'd been up here _way_ too long. I stopped and looked. 38s must've ventilated the roof because the smoke was thinning just a bit. 'Course that might've been my imagination… Bingo! The EXIT sign! "Told you we'd find it!"

"Uh-huh."

We made our way across more piles of junk, but I couldn't see where the hell I was goin'; I was moving out of pure sense of direction. I thought I was headin' straight for the EXIT sign, but Roy grabbed my shoulder, steered me back to the left and shoved me forward a bit. "Go!"

_Hell…go where_…?

The flashlight wasn't doing diddly for visibility even with 38s having ventilated the roof; they couldn't keep up with all that smoke piling in from the first floor.

Finally, I saw the stairs. I grabbed the wrought-iron banister and made to swing around it but it collapsed forward on me, makin' _me_ fall forward on to it, causing the bolts to rip right out of the floor. I felt Roy tug on me as he tried to hold me back, but I couldn't let go of the banister in time. As I felt myself pitch forward and twist in Roy's grip, a flash lit up the smoke around me and a loud explosion propelled me sideways down into Hell.

**Roy:**

My feet slid out from under me as I'd tried to pull Johnny back. A split-second flash of the chlorine gas igniting lit up the haze in the stairwell and the second floor exploded. The shockwave hit me almost full force and I had nowhere to go but to follow Johnny as I hung onto him and down I went, right on my hip. We tumbled and slid the rest of the way down, arms and legs flailing like we'd been caught in the surf and the stairs shook with a nerve-wracking metallic rattling.

I piled on top of him as we hit a wall at the bottom and he yelled in pain. Another explosion sounded, shaking the stairs and causing debris around us to shift and fall on top of us. His groaning was punctuated by an equal amount of swearing; you didn't have to be a paramedic to know how much pain he was in and I was worried about what kind of injuries he'd sustained.

_We've gotta get out of here_… I somehow managed to untangle myself and slide awkwardly off of him. I got my feet under me then felt for him in the dark. He was face down on whatever it was we'd landed on and I gathered him up in my arms, ignoring how relieved that made me feel. "Johnny! Are you okay?"

He couldn't stop coughing. "Yeah…Roy…?...My mask…got crushed…Knee hurts…"

He sounded weak, but whether it was from lack of oxygen or pain, I couldn't tell. "Okay. Can you stand?"

He was still coughing. "Um…yeah. I can…I can stand."

"Okay. C'mon." I shifted over him, slogging around what seemed to be piles of boxes and papers. I stepped on something, lurched backwards and my hands flailed in every direction to find a wall as I nearly lost my balance. I finally got around front, got my arms around him and managed to get him up enough that he could get his feet under him. He wasn't standing up straight and he was leaning on me, his mask dangling uselessly. _Damn_.

I ripped off my mask, pressed it against his face and put his hand on it while I coughed against all the smoke. "Breathe. I'll get the door."

I tried the handle. It wasn't locked but the door wasn't moving. _Shit._

Another explosion blasted above us. I pressed Johnny up against the wall to shield him. I was nearing a frenzy point as I envisioned being trapped under brick and mortar and digging with my bare hands to extricate my injured partner… "Johnny? You alright?"

He just nodded against me, coughing. I reached for my HT to call for help and to have our equipment and O2 standing by, but the pocket was empty. It probably got tossed when we went tumbling down the stairs.

"Call for help!" I told Johnny. I saw him reach for his HT and he came up empty-handed. _Fantastic. Looks like we're having a Triple Monday, as Joanne's sister, Eileen, would say_.

The smoke, itself, already made it difficult to breathe, but the added heat made it almost impossible. I scraped a hole in the debris with my feet as best I could to get better leverage and shoved against the door with my shoulder. I could feel it give a little, but not much. I slammed against it a few more times; nothing. But I had to rest for a moment before I tried again 'cause I'd already about had it. Between the heat and the smoke, I was going downhill. My legs were feeling weak, my hip was sore from where I'd landed on it and my chest was starting to feel heavy. I looked around for some kind of pole or something to use as leverage but it was impossible to see more than a foot in front of me.

Johnny pressed the mask to my face so I could breathe a little. I nodded when I'd had my fill but when he refused to take it back for himself, I shoved it right back in his face, again, fully intending to confront him about it, later. _Assuming we get out of here in one piece_… I firmly planted my feet and rammed the door with my shoulder, again, and felt it give. Couple more times… Finally! - it opened.

I shoved him out in front of me and I stumbled out of there right behind him, out of the intense heat and smoke and darkness to the refreshingly cooler evening air. We were holding onto each other, doubled-over and gasping for something other than the garbage-filled smoke we'd almost been entombed in.

**Johnny:**

I couldn't stand for long and I dropped to one knee. He came down next to me, wrapped his hand around my head and rested his forehead against mine. I could feel him shaking with adrenaline. Or maybe that was me. I kinda reveled in the touch.

"Are you okay—" and he started hackin' up a storm b'fore he could finish his sentence. I squeezed his shoulder to let him know I was still there. When the coughing subsided, our eyes locked and a thousand things and nothin' at all went through my head. Something….flickered in his eyes. Regret? Concern? I couldn't tell, but Roy broke the look between us, rose and shifted closer to get an arm around me. "Can you stand?"

"Yeah." I got my arm around his shoulder and he helped me up and we started to limp and cough our way back to the Squad.

Cap came runnin' around the corner, right then, with Chet and Marco on his heels. "My _god!_ Are you guys okay?" I was about to answer him, but started coughing again. Chet got a hand under Roy and Marco got one under me and we staggered back to the Squad. I heard Cap's voice behind us.

"HT 51, Engine 51. Mike, set up a triage area and get out the O2 from the Squad and another air bottle. LA, Engine 51, respond another rescue squad and ambulance to this location."

Chet and Marco dropped us off at the Squad, where Mike had everything ready. Once Cap'd checked us over and we'd convinced him we were okay, he and the rest of the Engine crew went back to dealing with the fire, but not before laying us with orders to hightail it to the hospital when the replacement squad and ambulance arrived.

Then me and Roy were alone. We sat up and just kinda looked at each other.

He set aside his respirator, "That was close."

I set aside my O2 and managed to get out a whole sentence before coughing, again, "Yeah. Yeah it was. I don't know about you, partner, but I could do without seeing a flight of stairs for a month."

"Yeah. I know what you mean."

I got up off the ground to sit on the Squad's bumper; my backside was getting sore from bein' on the ground. I was probably black and blue all over. I grabbed the O2 tank to bring it closer and felt a twinge of pain in my wrist. "Ow!"

"What's wrong with your hand?"

I shook it out. "You know, I don't know. I'm not sure if I hurt it goin' down the stairs, hittin' that wall or when you came crashin' down on top of me," I grinned at him. "But I didn't notice it till just now."

He set the respirator down and reached for my hand. "Let me take a look."

He grabbed my hand and palpated and examined, asking the usual questions and I responded, flexed and wiggled when he asked me to. He kept his focus on what he was doing and I found myself enjoying his touch. But there was something else, too, that was makin' me feel…I don't know. I couldn't put my finger on it. _Home_ was the only word that seemed to fit, but that wasn't makin' any sense to me. He finally started to wrap my wrist; his touch and just how…gentle he was being…I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. All that smoke…could feel us tumbling down those steps, remembered how scared I really was, his voice callin' me, could feel his hand on the back of my neck, my head against his… and everything about _Dunning_ came back at me.

A feeling started to build inside of my chest as I looked at my partner. I'd felt it before – had been feeling it all this time - but it was snowbalin' now. I just watched his eyes, cast down and focused on wrapping my hand. I couldn't stop the tide of what I was feeling. It just seemed like, if this'd been any other time and any other place, something could happen, something could give, at any moment…

He looked off to his right and only then did I notice the sirens.

He turned back and caught me lookin' at him. Our eyes locked and he frowned a little. Wasn't sure if he couldn't read me…or maybe he could. His eyes dropped and he finished wrapping the bandage. He interlaced his fingers with mine for half a second – lookin' almost sad. He sighed, let go of my hand real gentle and then turned, all business, to Squad 36 and the ambulance comin' on scene. Something in me felt a loss but the approaching sirens yanked my mind back to where we were, where I was.

We got checked out by 36s and then we were off to Rampart. I looked at him, sittin' on the jump seat in the ambulance, lookin' out the back window.

'_That was close.'_

_Yeah. And it's gettin' closer, partner…_

** ~!~**

**Roy:**

By a stroke of luck, we got cleared for duty, though we were both gonna be coughing for awhile. I guess we hadn't been in that muck long enough for it to have caused any real damage, though if you asked me, I would've sworn we'd been in that stairwell for the better part of an hour. The guys from 36s brought our Squad in before taking over for us at the fire scene. I got in and looked at my partner, sitting there in the Squad. But all I could see was him careening down the stairs…

I closed the door and put the key in the ignition and he started coughing. I put my hand on his thigh, more to reassure myself that he was really okay.

"Are you alright?"

**Johnny:**

I felt his hand on my leg, his face lookin' all worried. "I'm okay, Roy. Honest. I'll probably be coughing for a while though, but I'm okay."

He rubbed my thigh real gentle up and down a few times, then turned back and started the engine, lookin' real sad the whole ride back.

**~!~**

**Roy:**

Even at a late hour, the 405 never seems to find a moment of peace.

And yet, there I was behind the station, watching the constant traffic on the freeway, catching a moment of peace.

We'd gotten back not too long before the Engine crew returned. That fire scene kept circling around in my head and I needed to give it time to settle down before I did for what was left of the night.

I thought, too, about that whole scene in the stairwell with Johnny not wanting to take back the air mask.

That just couldn't happen again. It becomes a dangerous game when you start playing 'hero'. We have to be able to keep our priorities on our patients and on the situation. The minute that focus changes to one another at the expense of established protocols is when it's time to cut the rope.

And we were startin' to slip into dangerous territory.

I heard a door close and I turned away from the 405 and saw him rounding the corner from the kitchen. He had something cupped in his hand and as he got closer, I could see he was munching on something.

"Want some?"

I peered in the dark to see what was in his hand. "What is that?"

"Sunflower seeds. Without the shells, so you can just eat 'em, as is."

"Sure, I'll take a couple," I pinched a few from him.

"'Cap said lights out whenever, just don't wake him up."

"Alright."

He popped a few seeds in his mouth, "We have to talk, partner."

"Yeah. I know. Look, we can't ever do that again."

"Do what?"

"When you refused to take back the air mask. We can't afford to be doing that."

He hung his head for a moment. "Yeah. You're right. Okay. It won't ever happen again."

**Johnny:**

He threw me a skeptical look.

"What?"

"I'm not convinced it's that simple."

"Well why not? It can't happen again. I get it. It won't happen again." He wasn't buying it! "Look, have I ever lied to you?"

Another look.

"Well have I?"

I stood there and watched his eyes dart all over his head.

"Hell, Roy, I know for a fact that you can stand there all night and not come up with _one_ instance! Not _one!_ 'Cause the fact is that I have _never_ lied to you! Not once!"

He threw me that look where he's laughing on the inside, but it only shows in his eyes. "I know."

"Then why did you—?"

"You think Chet's the only one who plays practical jokes on you."

_My own partner! Siding with the enemy…_ "Why you—" I grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him toward me. He saw my hand over his head and he tried to twist and duck out of my grip. My feet rolled over the gravel on the pavement and we were wrestling with each other, but I held him fast. I finally got him in position and poured all the seeds onto his head.

He tried to duck away but I got him bulls-eye. Hell, he was _giggling!_ Well, for what amounts to giggling from Roy, anyway.

He bent his head and started shakin' out all the seeds out of his hair. I rifled my hands through his hair to help him out. I kinda liked it. Then he stood up straight with this accusatory grin and flapped the collar of his shirt. I snorted a laugh. An irritated look crossed his face and then he shook a leg. He cursed real soft then walked over and faced the wall and I heard his fly zip. I couldn't stop laughing!

After a minute or two, he finally ambled back over to me, tucking his shirt back in and stood right in front of me, tryin' to intimidate me.

So, I met him with m'arms crossed and lookin' real smug. I reached out and wiped his shirt; make it look all nice and professional and sunflower-seed-free. "They'll all come out when you take a shower."

"No thanks to you."

I snorted a laugh again and then just kinda looked at him, noticing how the glow of the streetlight somehow made him look boyish. "We're playing again."

He just looked at me as he finished tucking his shirt in.

"You know we can't keep hiding from this."

"Yeah…" He buttoned and zipped up and leaned a hand on my Rover. "But what is it, exactly?"

"I don't know. Look, all I know is…something happened to us, Roy. I don't know exactly when or how or even why. But, something _happened_ to us. Happened…_between_ us. And we need to figure it out and talk about it or it could end up drivin' a wedge between us so wide we'll never be able to cross it."

He shoved off and leaned against Cap's car with his arms folded. "I agree. But when and how is the question. HQ has suspended vacation requests, remember?"

"Yeah, I know. And I know what you said about not doin' this piecemeal between runs and you're right. So here's what I was thinkin', we've got four days off next week, right?"

"Yeah. Joanne and I are gonna meet up with her sister and take the kids camping."

"Okay. Listen, is there any way you can get out of it?"

"Why would I wanna do that for?"

"Because I think it'd be best if just you and I go up to Carl's cabin and work this out. 'Cause some'n's gonna give if we don't."

I saw the wheels turning in his head as he saw where I was going. "Oh, I don't think so, Johnny – "

"Well, why not? It's the perfect place and the perfect opportunity!"

"It's not that I don't agree with you, but it took a long time to plan this. I mean, it's not just me and Joanne, but her sister and her husband and their kids are coming, too."

"Oh. Yeah."

**Roy:**

_Hell_. I was up to my ears in hot water. We really did need to talk about this sooner rather than later. But, boy, the timing sure couldn't have been worse. HQ still hadn't lifted the time-off restrictions and Joanne and I had a lot of time invested in working out the logistics in planning the vacation with her sister and brother-in-law.

But he was right. There was no better opportunity and we had to confront his thing right now.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. Alright. I'll…see if I can persuade Joanne that I need to bow out."

"Sorry, partner."

It wasn't just that Johnny was right about opportunity. Part of my hesitation had come from…wondering how all this stood in the context of my marriage.

All these feelings I'd been having…was having. _Could it be considered cheating? Was I cheating, simply by having feelings?_ I'd allowed myself to revel in it. _But to what end?_

Yet…my feelings for Joanne hadn't diminished. I was just as much in love with her as I'd been before all this started. My feelings for Johnny were…impossible to define. I couldn't, for the life of me, pinpoint exactly what I'd been feeling for him. Because of him. I cared about him, that much was certain. But that hadn't changed from before. I mean, we're best friends, _of course_ I'm gonna care about him. But that…sense of caring... Had it simply gotten deeper? Or had it turned into something else? And if it had, what was it?

I needed to know because none of this was fair to Joanne and the kids. I had to be honest with myself before I could be honest with them. And I would rather be alone and miserable than be untruthful with my own family.

"It's okay, Johnny. We'll figure this out, somehow."

I had to hang onto that idea because it was all I had.

* * *

><p><em><strong>[o<strong>**ne day later] **_

I was cleaning the last of the morning dishes and setting them in the drainer. Joanne walked in with the morning paper after seeing the kids off on the school bus.

"What time were you gonna head to the hardware store?" she asked.

My gut clenched at the question. The camping store had run out of Sterno™ cooking lamps so I'd thought I'd check the hardware store and grab more batteries and all of that sort of thing.

But there was an important part to the camping trip that I hadn't told her yet. Something I'd been agonizing about since that conversation with Johnny in the parking lot the other night.

Jo sat down at the kitchen table, grabbed another mug of coffee and started going through the paper. It was part of our morning routine on my days off that, once the kids had left for school, we'd read the paper together in the kitchen before running errands or…well, heading back to bed. "I poured your cup for you."

"Oh, thanks, Jo." I set aside the frying pan to soak and stood there staring at the oily water swirling around in the pan, little bits of pancake floating to the surface. _How am I going to do this? How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell the kids?_ I'd been wracking my brain since the end of shift about how I was gonna bring this up, when and how and what words to use to ease Jo's impending fury to my bowing out of this camping trip. The truth was, I'd been hoping for a 'bad news delivery system' guaranteed to engender an easy, understanding, no-argument-whatsoever reaction on Jo's part…which I knew perfectly well was never going to happen.

I had a feeling that for all the worry in the world, the moment of truth was racing toward me awfully fast.

"Hon? Did you hear me? I said what time were you thinking of going to the store?"

"Yeah," I rubbed the sweat off my forehead. "I…heard you." This was it. There was no getting around it, I had to tell her now.

The crinkle of the paper stopped. "Roy, are you okay?"

I turned around to see her scrutinizing me with worry in her eyes. I guess she saw the look on my face because her expression turned serious. "Don't tell me. You have to go sub for somebody."

I shook my head. "No. No, I'm off." _Off my rocker, to be precise_…_Off a rock…Off a cliff…_

She frowned. "You're biting your lip. Something's wrong. What is it? None of the guys got hurt…?"

"No. No, nothing like that. Sorry, Jo, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Well, you are scaring me, Roy."

I took a deep breath. That same feeling of anxiety came at me like the time Johnny and I finally confronted each other in the Squad. _How did I get myself into this?_

"Jo, we need to talk." I held out my hand to her. She looked at me skeptically and then her expression turned to worry. She sighed a little and a wary look came into her eyes. She slowly took my hand and I led her into the living room.

We sat down on the couch and she sighed again as she braced herself. "Oh-kay...What do you want to talk to me about?"

I rubbed her fingers lightly, "Jo…look, there's no easy way to say this so I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I won't be able to go on the camping trip with you and the kids."

Confusion flickered and then anger settled permanently on her features. She closed her eyes and sat up straighter and took a breath, the way she does when she's trying to control her fury. "Roy Patrick DeSoto, you know full well we've been planning this trip for more than two months."

"I know—"

"Chris has been dying to show off his skills from Indian Guides—."

"I know, Jo."

"— and Jen was really looking forward to worms…," she shuddered, "…and making s'mores and the ghost stories—"

"Jo, I know. _I know_. I was looking forward to it, too. Look, I'm not exactly happy about it."

She stopped, looked down at my hands covering hers, curled her lips and sighed. "I'm sorry. I know we promised to start listening to each other better and stop jumping the gun." She wiped the bangs away from her face, sighed and looked me resolutely in the eye. "Okay. I'm listening."

I looked at her. _Really_ looked at her. "Look, it's just…there's this thing between Johnny and me and—"

"Johnny? What's going on between you two?"

"Well, that's kinda what we need to figure out. Joanne, honey, I'm sorry. We just…look, Johnny and me, we need to work out this…thing between us."

"Is it really that serious that you can't wait till after we come back?"

"Yeah. It is."

I could see her trying to work through her shock to find her voice. "What happened?"

_I'm not so sure you really want me to answer that, Jo_… "Nothing…happened, really. It's just something that's been kinda building up over time."

"Like what?"

"It's like we're just…gettin' on each others nerves, I guess." _If you only knew…_ "We need to figure out what's going on before we reach a point where we can't turn back; where it might affect us on the job. We can't afford that."

"So what are you two planning on doing about it?"

"Carl on B-shift rented a cabin for his anniversary, which coincides with our four days off, but his wife broke her foot and can't go hiking. So Johnny took the cabin. Figured we'd…hang out there and see if we can't…come to some kind of…working agreement."

"You can't do that here at home on your days off?"

"Maybe. But…we thought it best if we isolate ourselves away from interruptions and distractions and force ourselves to confront whatever it is that's gotten between us."

"If you think it's that important. The kids were really looking forward to it, y'know. _I_ was looking forward to it."

"I know. I was, too. I guess if Johnny and I were CPA's, it wouldn't matter so much."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Awhile."

"Well, you've hidden it awfully well, because I certainly haven't picked up on anything troubling you. In fact, you've seemed almost happier. Has Captain Stanley said anything?"

That Alfred Kinsey-inspired dinner conversation the other night slithered its way into my head: _'Even the fire department. Guys just falling in love, left and right. Everywhere you looked…' Yeah. He's said something, all right…_

"This is just something between Johnny and me. It doesn't involve any of the other guys, in fact they don't even know about it and I didn't want it affecting you or the kids. Well…until now, I guess."

"I have to say, Roy, I'm…awfully surprised. Johnny's always seemed like a forgive and forget kind of guy, and well, you, certainly aren't the type to hold a grudge."

"We're not sure what's going on, either, Jo. But we need to get to the bottom of it before it affects our ability to work together. And maybe it already has, I don't know. That's why we need to settle this while we can still talk civilly to each other." _In a manner of speaking…_

_I really wasn't relishing outright lying to her. In my own defense, I can only say I was trying to provide as much truth as I could. After all, I still wasn't sure what the truth was between Johnny and me. If I didn't understand it, how could anyone else? I only hoped I could live with myself over how I handled everything when all of this is said and done._

"Okay… I understand. Can't say I'm not disappointed. And maybe a little annoyed at the timing."

"You're pretty pissed, aren't you?"

She lifted her head up at me. "Alright…yes."

"Look, if it makes you feel any better, this isn't gonna be fun for me. I know it seems like we're going to some mountain cabin to fish and hike and enjoy ourselves, but I guarantee you, it's gonna be four days of soul-searching and some frank and difficult conversations. Frankly, I am not looking forward to this. In fact, I'm pretty damned nervous because I don't know if Johnny and I are gonna come out of this as friends or if…"

Suddenly, the consequences of all of this hit me in the face and I didn't want to think of the 'what ifs'.

"Or what, Roy?"

"Or if one of us is gonna have to transfer."

Her eyes got wide as she processed everything I told her. I could see the weight of our situation, the consequences, settling on her. "This really is serious, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

The worry and anger in her eyes transmuted into one of determination. "Then it sounds like you two have a lot of decisions to make."

"Yeah. I just hope they'll be ones we can live with. You and the kids are gonna have a great time. I think if we'd been able to take vacation time, it might not have escalated to the point it has. But we can't really get away from each other. That's why we'd like to nip this in the bud – whatever it is – and just deal with it head on before something serious happens."

She thought about it for a little while. "Okay. I really am sorry you two are going through this."

I rose and led her up off the couch and hugged her. Tight. "Me too. Look, when we all get back, no matter what the fallout between Johnny and me, you and I are gonna start planning a vacation with the kids. The minute HQ allows us to start taking vacations, I'm putting in for one and we'll go for a trip we'll never forget. How does that sound?"

She put her arms around me and I settled into their familiar feel.

"I'm holding you to that."

'I brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead. "And I'm counting on you to do exactly that."

* * *

><p><strong><em>[next shift]<em>**

Johnny and I returned from a run that had come in not long after roll call. We found Mike and Marco in the dayroom working on their next round of coffee. Marco hoisted a cream puff in salute as we walked in and nodded toward the table. "Hey, guys, you're back. These are fantastic, by the way, thanks."

"Uhh…you're welcome, but I don't think either of us brought those in." I looked toward Johnny for confirmation.

"_I _certainly didn't," Johnny said, grabbing a cream puff from the box and stuffing it as one bite in his mouth. Not unlike what my 10-year-old son does.

Marco sipped his coffee. "Yeah, I know. That girl brought them in for you guys. But Chet said we had your permission to have some, so…"

Johnny spoke up before I did, cheeks full of cream puff. "Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a sec. What girl?"

Mike was at the coffee pot, making more. "That motorcycle accident victim from, like, a week ago or so? You'd said she was suicidal."

That perked up my ears. "Melissa? Short, blonde girl?"

Stoker nodded, "Yeah, that's her."

"Well when did she stop by?" Johnny. Still with his mouth full.

Stoker and Lopez eyed each other. "Maybe…20 minutes ago, I'd say," Mike said, Marco nodding confirmation.

"She seemed real scared, though," Marco added sadly.

Johnny glanced at me and sighed in irritation. "Well how did Chet get our permission for our cream puffs to be public consumption if she came while we were out?"

Marco appeared a bit confused. Then his eyes darkened in annoyance and they followed Chet as he walked in and made a beeline for the coffee. "_He_ claims you guys knew she was coming and had already talked to you in the locker room. _Didn't you_, Chet?"

"What was that, Marc? Hey, thanks for making refills, Mike. I was _just _coming in to do that."

"Yeah. Just like I was gonna lick all the nozzles just so you'd have to polish them all again," Stoker replied with a grimace.

Chet spread his hands. "Hey, I was being serious. Geez, kick a guy when he's down. Man, if I'd known I could cause trouble without even being in the room, I'd've stayed home. So what'd I do now?"

"You told us John and Roy knew that girl was coming in, Chet, and that they gave us permission to help ourselves," Marco scolded between his teeth, holding out his still uneaten cream puff at him. "They just got back. They had _no idea_ she was coming."

"Yeah. Okay. Look, these woulda sat on the table gettin' cold while we waited who knows _how_ long for them to come back. Then they'd come back, we'd ask permission and they would've said 'yes', anyway. I just saved us all from undue hardship and needless conversation, that's all."

Chet Kelly is one of the few people I know who can weasel his way out of anything with an argument that's just south of logical and still make it sound like a win-win situation.

But that was neither here nor there 'cause I wanted to know about Melissa. "Well, nevermind all of that. Did she say anything? I mean, did she say why she stopped by?"

Chet shook his head, "Man, that poor girl's just covered in bad karma, Roy. It's a real shame. I think she's a real sweet kid, but…sometimes there are people you just can't help. I'm tellin' ya, for your sake, don't get emotionally involved." And he walked out of the dayroom.

"What's wrong with _him?_" Johnny stared after Chet.

"Mike, what's he talking about?" I asked.

Stoker sipped his coffee. "She said she was just dropping off the box of pastries to thank you guys. Especially, you, Roy. It was kinda creepy, though."

"Why would that be creepy?" Johnny asked.

"The way she was acting. It was like she was scared."

"Marco you made that same observation. Can you guys elaborate on that?" Remembering that bruise on her face, that statement had me a little worried.

"Lopez?" Cap's voice sounded in the bay.

"In here, Cap," he answered.

Cap appeared in the doorway. "Oh. John, Roy, how'd it go?"

"Went fine, Cap. All routine," Johnny answered.

Cap clapped his hands together softly. "Good. Glad it went well. Marco, can I see you…?" He motioned then walked out with Lopez on his heels.

I turned back to Mike with my annoyance kicking up with all the interruptions. "Did you talk to her?"

"Yeah, we were all here in the kitchen, getting coffee. Chet thought he heard a voice out in the bay so he went and looked and there she was, with the box of pastries. According to Chet, she was looking for you guys but he told her you were out on a run. He offered to take the box from her 'cause she had a cast on her foot. He told us he raised his hand up, you know, to take the box from her and she flinched, like she expected him to hit her. I think that really kinda freaked him out. He's been pretty down about it, ever since."

I could feel my anger boiling and my heart went out to her. _Damn, but I wish we hadn't missed her._

"Then what?" Johnny asked.

"Chet tried to welcome her inside, you know. Told her to come on in and she could wait if she wanted, but the minute she saw everyone in here, she got _real_ uncomfortable."

I didn't like the sound of that. "What do you mean?"

"Kept eyeing us like she expected us to gang up on her, or something. She gave Chet the box, said to tell you guys thanks and that she hates you guys and then she split. I'd never seen anyone look so scared dropping off pastries, before. She never moved past the door."

Johnny and I just looked at each other.

"Huh. Now why would she do that if hated us?"

I couldn't help but grin a little. "Part of an inside-joke between us. I told her I didn't care whether she got better, that I was only trying to make it look good. She told me she hated me and that she didn't care whether I cared."

Johnny threw me a weird look, "Boy, you've got a real way with women, don't you?"

I shrugged, sad again about having missed her by mere minutes. "My mysterious DeSoto charm. C'mon, partner. We need to restock a coupla air bottles."

**Johnny:**

We got out to the bay and I immediately went to the storage closet to bring out some replacement bottles while he clambered up on the back of the Squad to grab those that needed replacing.

I moved four bottles over to the Squad, looked around the bay and hung on the top bars. "Hey, Roy," I whispered.

He leaned over. "Yeah."

"Sorry about that back there. I didn't mean nothin' by it. Just wanted to make it look good. You know…"

"Yeah. I know."

He seemed almost depressed. "You okay?"

**Roy:**

I hoisted an air bottle down to him. "Yeah. I'm just upset that we missed her by a few minutes, y'know?"

"You really bonded with her, didn't you?"

I settled on the toolbox before grabbing the next tank, "I guess I did."

"Who knows? Maybe in another time and place, she'd-a made a decent fireman. Firefighter. Well, whichever."

"She certainly eats like one," I answered, remembering how she wolfed down those burger and fries I brought her in the hospital.

"She is kinda small, though."

I sized up my partner in about two seconds. "She coulda taken you. Easy."

Johnny was about to hoist a tank up to me, but set it down. "Easy? _Easy?_ Uh-uh. No way."

"Oh yeah."

He lifted the tank and set it down again. "What do you mean 'oh yeah'? There is no 'oh yeah' about it! There is no way that tiny little girl who weighed about half as much as my arm…" – he rolled up his sleeve and flexed his biceps to show me – "…could've taken me on. Well, she might've taken me on, but she sure as hell wouldn't have _won_. I guarantee it."

"She'd've won."

Lift tank, set it down again. "Where do you get off thinkin' she coulda taken me easy and won?"

"'Cause you've lifted that air bottle three times and haven't handed it to me, yet."

That indignant expression crossed his face again. "I was—! I wasn't—! I was—!" He finally lifted the tank up to me and I tried not to laugh too loud as I set it down. "Oh shut up."

* * *

><p><strong><em>[next shift]<em>**

**Johnny:**

The wake-up tones woke us up to a dandy, dandy day! After I made myself presentable, I sauntered across the bay…and smelled the sweet, robust aroma of _coffee_. I stopped, sniffed, and thought. Hmmm…I'm gonna go with Marco coffee. I walked in to see Cap, Roy and Marco in various stages of newspaper reading. "Mornin', mornin', mornin' everybody! Just one hour till our four days of rest, fun, and relaxation begins! Cool mountain air, nice long hikes and starry skies, here I come!"

"Morning, John. So, John, are you actually gonna use Carl's cabin or are you going to camp out under the stars on all those hikes you want to go on?"

"Well, I dunno, Marco. I might just wanna do both. And no, you can't come and bring Gwen."

Marco snapped his fingers and made a face. "I had to try. Wouldn't matter, anyway. My parents' anniversary is the same day as Carls'."

I grabbed a mug and poured my coffee. "Oh that's right! So you've been stuck with all the party planning, huh?"

"My brother and sister got stuck with the planning. _I'm_ getting stuck with the clean-up. So you'd _better_ have a good time, John," he threatened me through clenched teeth.

I held my hands up and tried not to laugh. "Okay, okay! For you, Marco, I'll have the time of my life."

"Not _too_ good a time, now."

Cap snorted at that and reached for the sports section and an apple. "You looking forward to your camping trip, Roy? Last time I talked to you, sounded like you guys had a lot planned for the kids."

**Roy:**

My stomach dropped. _Holy Toledo_. I'd forgotten to factor in the guys' knowledge of our previous plans. "Uh, yeah. Joanne and I have been planning this for so long, it almost doesn't seem like it's really here, y'know?"

_Maybe I should've backed the Squad into the office when I had the chance…_

Cap bit into his apple. "Yeah, I hear ya. You'll have to tell us all about it when you get back."

My eyes sought out Johnny's; the panic in his eyes about matched the panic I was feeling. _We hadn't factored any of this in. Oh boy_…

Mike and Chet sauntered in and the newspaper got divvied up just as much as the coffee. About twenty minutes to go till the end of shift, the tones dropped.

"Oh, wouldn't you know it," Johnny muttered.

"_Squad 51. Child impaled at the school. 8987 Hollington St. 8-9-8-7 Hollington. Cross street, 23rd. Time out: 0842."_

Cap followed us out to the bay to acknowledge for us and we raced to our last run of the shift.

**~!~**

**Johnny:**

Little Eddie hadn't stopped blubbering since we'd found him in the classroom screaming his head off. Now that we were wheeling him into Treatment 2, he was still goin' at it, but boy, I'll tell ya, neither one of us blamed him.

There was a lot of blood for such a little boy when we arrived on scene. You never think a pencil can do much damage, but when it gets jammed straight into your ear, you find out real fast what it can do.

With so much potential trauma, we couldn't afford to wait for either of his parents for permission to administer meds, so we packed him up and brought him straight to Rampart and into the capable hands of Dr. Brackett.

Fortunately, someone from the school had managed to track down the father in the meantime and he was right there when we brought in his screeching son.

Roy and I escaped from the howling with our hearing barely in tact and stopped over at Dixie's bar for a mere respite.

I automatically grabbed some coffee while Roy leaned his hands on the counter. "Man, my ears are gonna be ringing for hours. I think we need to make it a special point when we do our school demos that when the teachers say 'don't run with sharp objects', they mean it 'cause that's _exactly_ the kind of thing that can happen."

Dr. Early came out of the lounge and spotted us. "Oh good. John, Roy, I'm glad I caught you. You have a second?"

I grinned at him, "As a matter of fact, we've got four days."

"Four days?"

Roy rolled his eyes. "We've got four days off starting now. I've been getting the feeling he's tired of looking at my mug every shift and wants a change of scenery," Roy thumbed at me.

"Well, now I didn't say that, exactly. All I said was, I was looking forward to a little change in the routine. The department's suspended vacation requests for the next six months on account o' the budget. So we're taking these four days off very seriously," I explained to Dr. Early.

"I see. Certainly makes sense."

"Doc, uh, you said you were glad you ran into us. What's up?" Roy asked.

Early checked the hallway and leaned over, "You fellas remember that suicidal patient you brought in a couple of weeks ago? The one who banged up her boyfriend's motorcycle?"

"Melissa…Tag—" I snapped my fingers, tryin' to remember.

"Taglieri," we both said at once.

I set my coffee mug down. "She came to the station the other morning. Dropped off a 'thank you' gift for Roy 'n me. We were out on a run, so we never saw her. But Stoker said he'd never seen someone look so petrified dropping off pastries, before."

Dr. Early frowned, "Did she say anything?"

"Not much," Roy answered. "The guys said she walked in, Chet went over, and, you know, brought his hand up to welcome her in, and take the box from her 'cause she was still in a cast. Said she flinched like she expected him to hit her. Really kinda threw him for a loop."

"They said she looked around like she expected the whole station to gang up on her," I added. "She gave the box to Chet and left. Why?"

Ole Doc Early stared down at the counter for a bit then looked up at us with one of the saddest expressions I'd ever seen on him. And then I remembered; she'd been his patient. My whole body went cold. "They found her body early this morning in a culvert, like she'd been trash that someone discarded. Unofficial word is, she'd been beaten and shot in the head. They believe the boyfriend did it."

_Dammit, no_… _Son of a bitch…!_

My eyes went instantly to Roy. He looked utterly shocked and infuriated. His breathing got real deep and then he pounded his fist on the counter and moved around me to hide in the corner by the coffee machine.

That was not good; not good at all.

**Roy:**

I thought I was gonna be sick. The bile tossed in my gut and I about heaved right then and there. _Aw, Melissa…_ _Why didn't you get help? Find a way to get away from him?_ _Dammit! S_he was someone's sister, someone's niece, someone's granddaughter. Someone's _daughter_. I wanted to run home to Jenny and hug her so tight, I'd never let go of her. What had happened to her that she'd cut herself up? Get involved with a…_bastard_ that would do that to her? Didn't someone give enough of a damn about her to take care of her?

For some reason, I thought of Benjamin Dunning and my fury tipped over into rage and…something else that I couldn't pinpoint. My entire head was buzzing and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't see straight.

"For trashing his motorcycle," I heard my partner say.

"Yeah. I have no doubt."

A voice over the PA system summoned Early to a treatment room. "Listen, fellas, I gotta go. Figured you'd rather hear it from me than some news report. Take care, okay?"

I felt Johnny's hand on my shoulder and he shook me a little and I knew that had he not been there, he would've been the first person I'd've sought out. Even above Joanne. And I wasn't sure I understood what that meant.

He stood next to me, his voice a soothing whisper in my ear. "C'mon, Roy, let's get back to the station and get out of this uniform. Our cabin's waitin'."

'_A little too late, is much too late'. It sure as hell was for Melissa. Dammit!  
><em>

_I wonder – will it be the same for Johnny and me, too? Is our friendship and my marriage gonna end up like her? Or are we gonna find a way to get out from under whatever it is we've gotten ourselves into - the way Melissa hadn't been able to do? _

I guess we were about to find out...

_TBC_


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Bowings and scrapings of eternal gratitude for my beta reader accompany this chapter. In fact, she deserves a gold medal for patiently enduring all the rough drafts I'd sent after every third line (and no, I'm not really kidding). "Emergency!" characters belong to Universal. All original characters belong to me. Posted 3/7/13**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14<strong>

"Well, we're here."

"Yeah. We're here."

**Roy:**

W_e're here. _

_Fantastic_.

_Just the two of us. Alone. For the next __four __days__. Isolated. With no distractions, no interruptions. _

_And no place to escape to…_

The reality of all this started seeping in when we got back to the station after that run with Little Eddie. It'd gotten steadily worse on the drive over and now it was solidly entrenched in my gut, churning like some evil concoction in Frankenstein's lab. I couldn't believe we were really going through with this and everything that'd happened up till now suddenly seemed absurd.

_This is ridiculous. I mean, we're two grown adults, aren't we? There's no reason we can't just turn around and solve all of this on the way home. In fact, all we need to do is just agree 'no more'. We'll shake on it and go our separate ways until the next shift._ _Problem solved._

Yeah, I know. I wasn't counting on that happening, either.

The butterflies had taken up fast and furious residence in my stomach, and I looked out at the surroundings to distract myself from their boisterous activity. The black oaks and a gray pine or two were sheltering the cabin as the sun started its slow slide westward and the bird calls seemed to fill the air under a peacefully blue sky.

_It really is beautiful, here. I wonder what Joanne and the kids are doing..?_

"Hey, look at that!" Johnny pointed to a hummingbird hovering and feeding on some flowers near one of the cabins.

It reminded me of that day at home when Johnny'd stop by for breakfast to warn me about Cap. I'd watched the cardinals in our backyard for a good portion of the morning, reflecting on the permanence and impermanence of things, of my life and what it would look like twenty years from now. I felt the serenity, that day, of a happy life and a life I was happy with and somehow, even considering any bumps in the road ahead, I felt like everything would turn out okay. Now, on the cusp of this trip, my feelings weren't so certain, anymore.

My philosophical brother-in-law is fond of telling my son, 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.' I'm not sure it's quite the motivation my brother-in-law thinks it is, but it's about how I was feeling, right about then. Sure, once that first step is taken, it's easy. It's lifting your foot to _take_ that step - that's the hard part and I knew this wasn't gonna be a walk in the park. I was stumbling along blindfolded with the very real possibility of plunging off a cliff. _How in the hell can anyone be expected to voluntarily walk toward disaster?_

I'd give my right arm to be a thousand miles from here.

From the entire situation.

**Johnny:**

We pulled up in my Rover to the pine green cabin with the white trim. According to the information I had on it, it was a cabin for four with one main room for sleeping and dining and a bathroom area. Not the most spacious place, but at least it got us away from home so we could concentrate on this one thing.

I looked around at all the mountains and the trees and hoped that we hadn't replaced one set of distractions with a whole other set.

If fact, what if…? _What if this didn't work?_

I thought of Gil Robinson when he said he felt like he had to have everything figured out before he went on a run. It'd suddenly occurred to me that…I'd been kinda thinkin' the same thing. About this thing between Roy and me and this whole trip; I was expecting us to be able to solve this in four days and that everything would be happy go-lucky between us by the time we left here. It never occurred to me that…maybe this _wouldn't_ be solved. Our spending four days alone together might just make things worse between us or not do a damn bit of good.

_Hell, what if….what if we…decided to just…hot-tail it to the Bahamas, or something? Or what if we hated each other so much that we'd have to transfer outta 51s? And what would we put as a reason? Or what if our requests for transfer got denied? Oh man, this whole thing could blow up in our face._

Maybe this wasn't such the good idea I'd had in my head….

Roy'd been kinda quiet on the drive up. After he called me to tell me how it'd gone with Joanne, we'd planned the trip kinda quick and I ran out and got some supplies. We'd decided after shift to take his car back to his place, grab his gear and then drive up in my Rover. But I think that thing with Melissa really dragged him down and he didn't really say much the whole ride over. I tried to get his mind off of it and talk about other stuff, but it was obvious his mind was somewhere else.

I looked back at the cabin and then at the map to make sure we were at the right one. "Well, according to the brochure, this is one of the more secluded areas, but it's away from the best fishing spots. Got a couple of decent hiking spots, though."

**Roy:**

So much for getting away from distractions. "Look, I know this is a nice serene area, but let's not forget we've got a serious situation to deal with."

"Yeah, I know I know. I haven't forgotten. C'mon, let's check it out."

He got out and it was all I could do to drag myself out of the car and trudge in the muddy earth after him. He unlocked the cabin, opened the door and both of us about keeled over. Warm, humid air carrying the most pungent, mustiest odor of mold and mildew came outta that cabin and we had to take a few steps back.

"Oh, _man!_" He made a face and waved the air in front of him.

"That's unlivable," I said. "There's no way we can stay in there."

"What're we gonna do?"

_Collapse in relief_. "Go home, I guess."

He threw me a look like I'd told him I'd outright killed my dog.

"Well, what else can we do? It's obvious we can't stay in there and I would imagine all the other cabins are taken. Johnny, what're you doing?"

He'd stepped up to the door to peer inside. "Don't worry, I'm not goin' in. I just want to see… Roy, lookit. There's a coupla puddles on the floor."

I came up right next to him and peered in. "Yeah. Probably a hole in the roof or something. C'mon, let's get outta here."

"Yeah, no argument from me." He locked the door and started back toward the car. "Well I guess we need to go back to the ranger station."

"What for?"

"Whaddya mean 'what for?' We need to report this."

"How do you figure that?"

Yeah, I know, it was a stupid question. But I found myself blurting it out before I could stop myself. I mean, _of course_ we had to report it. I was just worried that they'd find some other cabin to throw us in and we'd have to go through with this whole charade, anyway.

"Roy, how else are they gonna know it's unusable? Obviously, the previous occupants never bothered to say anything about leaks or whatever's gone wrong in there and no one's checked it or else they woulda cordoned it off. Man, what is wrong with you today?"

_I miss my kids, Johnny. And I don't want to do this. I just don't want to know the answers to all the questions that've been plaguing my brain since this whole thing started..._

**Johnny:**

He just kinda stood there, lookin' a little lost and not a little irritated. I couldn't fathom what was goin' on with him and, frankly, his silent treatment on the way over had kinda gotten under my skin. And now he was acting goofy. I wasn't feeling real sympathetic so I just went back to the Rover. He caught up to me and got in the car lookin' even more irritated.

Made two of us. This trip was lookin' like it was about to end before it'd even started and we hadn't even begun to work on settling this thing between us. I think the stress was starting to get to us.

We got to the ranger station and made our case with Ranger Nyquist and all of his 6'5" bulk – which looked even more imposing with his hat on.

"You say you're Los Angeles County fire rescue men?"

"Yup," I answered. "Outta Station 51. Carson."

He checked our IDs. "You fellas do a lot of hiking, by chance?"

"I do. Belong to the mountain hiking club back home. Even brought some flags."

"Can I see them?"

"Uh...yeah." I glanced at Roy real quick as I dug into my knapsack, wondering what this was all about. All of a sudden I felt like I was in the principal's office having to explain something that wasn't my fault. "Figured I'd bring 'em along, in case a flag or two were faded or somethin', y'know? Habit, I guess. It's not against federal law or nothin', is it? I mean, I can leave 'em here with you if –"

He held up a hand at me, scrutinized the flags, handed 'em back and said, "Stay right here."

He disappeared and was gone for about half an hour. Roy's irritation started steadily climbing with each passing minute. Don't get me wrong, so was mine, but I knew he was still upset about Melissa and I knew that's what was driving his mood.

After sighing, pacing and rubbing his hands together he finally turned to me, "Why don't we just go home. This was entirely unnecessary."

"Aw c'mon, Roy, we came this far. He could come out of there any minute now and give us some good news."

"With the house empty, we coulda just done this at home."

"Uh-uh. No way."

"What do you mean 'uh-uh'?"

"Roy, we came here to get away from distractions, right?"

"Right. And right now my distractions are all camping."

"No."

"No?" He leaned in and threw me a suspicious look and growled at me. "You mind telling me what you did with my family?"

"Roy, your _family's_ camping. The _distractions_ aren't gone. Somebody woulda called askin' you to sub. Or that new neighbor o' yours you're always complaining about woulda found some excuse to stop by."

"Everett?"

"Yeah. Him."

"Yeah. I know," he said resigned. "He means well, you know. He's just lonely."

"Sure, he's lonely. But why can't he join a church or some social club instead of buggin' you and Joanne about every little thing and trying to insinuate himself into your lives?" Of course, Roy did have a point. "Then again, you might be on to something. We coulda done this at my place."

"Uh-uh. No way."

"Why not?"

"Need I remind you of how much I enjoyed the last visit. Speaking of neighbors who are helpless and mean well…"

"Yeah. I remember. Which leaves us with no choice. Meaning we don't have a lot of choice."

Finally, Ranger Nyquist returned. "Gentlemen, I've been ordered to ask you to direct me to the cabin in question."

Roy's face dropped. "You've gotta be kiddin' me! Now look, we didn't have anything to do with the current state of that cabin, alright? All we wanted to do is report it because it seemed pretty obvious that it'd gotten trashed somehow before we got here. In fact, I'm pretty sure our job here is done. I think we're just gonna go home, right now – "

I grabbed his arm. "Roy. Roy! Take it easy, alright?"

"I don't want to take it easy, Johnny. I'm tired, I'm irritated, and I don't appreciate being accused of lying –"

"He's not accusing us—! Look, he's not accusing us of lying about the cabin. He probably has to check it out and sign it off so we can get our money back. He's just doing his job, okay? The man's just doing his job. Let's just go with him, get this out of the way and then we'll be on _our_ way. Alright? I mean, what choice do we have anyhow?"

I felt the tension ease out of his arm, "Fine." Roy turned to Nyquist, "You know, I'm pretty sure the number of the cabin is on the permit, there – "

"_Roy_," I growled a warning at him to just cool it.

I turned back to Nyquist and frankly, I couldn't tell if he had super-patient genes or had tuned us out. He had to be one of the most stoic-faced people I'd ever come across. "Uh, sorry about that. He didn't mean it. It's just been kinda rough, lately."

"I understand. You gentleman ready?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah. You ready?" I asked Roy.

"Yeah, I'm ready. _Of course_ I'm ready. _Been_ ready for the past half hour! Why would I not be ready?"

"Okay, okay! I was just askin'! You don't have to bite my head off."

So we hopped back in the car and led Ranger Nyquist to our favorite cabin.

He had the same reaction to the mold we'd had so he roped off the place, put up warning signs and wrote up his report. Then he proceeded to drop a bombshell on us.

The good Ranger was a former LA City rescue firefighter. While he had needed to inspect the cabin, his primary purpose for this little side trip was to get us out of public earshot. You can imagine that tidbit had us entirely confused and not a little wary. He asked us to follow him from the moldy cabin and he drove us to another area way out of the way to an unused ranger's cabin. They'd built a new one further down the road but kept this one for back-ups and emergencies.

Since I'd brought my trail-marking flags and us bein' rescue men, he'd unofficially cleared it with his boss that they'd allow us the unofficial use of the cabin if we agreed to stay low, keep quiet about it and re-flag at least one of the trails. The flags had gotten so faded that they'd had to close the trails, but none of the rangers had had a chance to re-flag them. Oh, and to be ready for any possible but improbable drop-in by a ranger or two in case of an emergency. We're firemen - we're trained to be ready for anything in case of an emergency so that was obviously not a big problem for us. He gave us the grand tour and we agreed to take the cabin.

Finally! Something good was coming our way and I could tell it had brightened Roy's mood a little. We took the offer and Nyquist finally smiled and apologized for coming across before like a goal post; he had to keep up appearances at the ranger station. Roy apologized to him, he handed us the information on the trails that were closed, gave us the keys and more instructions and was on his way.

I rubbed my hands on my jeans as I looked at our incredible digs for the next few days. "Well, let's get our stuff and go check it out."

We grabbed our bags and started to move in.

Unlike the cabin Carl had rented, this cabin was pretty rustic and built like a log cabin. It had a stone chimney on the outside and a flagless flagpole. The best part was that it had electricity, a fridge, a two-burner stove, two bedrooms, a living area, an open porch that looked out upon the forest, a proper bathroom and a stone fireplace.

"Well this beats roughing it in a cabin for four days!"

Roy seemed distracted as we each grabbed one end of the box of lamps and flashlights and set it down in the living room. "Roy, you alright?"

"Yeah. I'm just…" He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

**Roy:**

_No, I'm not alright._

I honestly couldn't have told you why at the time, but even though the move to the ranger cabin was more physically comfortable and gave us more space between us, it ramped up my anxiety even more. This whole trip was getting worse for me by the minute and all I could think about was how to get us out of this and just go home.

I saw Johnny move to take something small out of a box and he placed it on the wooden coffee table. I couldn't believe my eyes. "You brought a portable TV?"

"Yeah. It's Marco's brother's TV." He started for the door.

I was flabbergasted. "Why'd you bring that for?"

His eyes narrowed. "To watch it!"

"I thought the whole point of this was to figure things out between us?"

"Roy, we've _got. four. days_. Now, I don't know about you, but odds are, we're gonna need a break here and there and in case one of those breaks happens at twelve midnight, _I'm_ not planning on goin' out there," he thumbed outside.

"Alright. I understand your point. I just feel like…we're making this out to be some kind of…vacation."

"Well? And so what if we were?"

_Because it's my head on Joanne's mother's very shiny, silver platter if word of this ever gets out._ "I…"

"What?"

"Well it's just… Look, I told Joanne this wasn't exactly gonna be fun for us, y'know?"

"So what? Now you're feeling guilty because we might watch _television?_"

I'm not sure when he plans it, but every so often Johnny has a tendency to make something sound sensible. "You're right. It is kinda stupid."

"Roy. I get why we're here. Besides, this _was_ my idea, remember?"

"Yeah…" _And why the hell did I let you talk me into it?_

"We're already gonna be uncomfortable. I'm just trying to make an uncomfortable situation a little more comfortable."

"I understand. Sorry. Guess I'm a little anxious about all of this."

"Yeah, well, that makes two of us."

Well, so much for sorting this out between us. We were off to a fantastic start. _If this is how it's gonna be for the next few days, maybe we oughta just cut our losses and go home. Then again, maybe if can somehow manage to hate each other by the end of this, that'll have solved the whole problem_…

That little argument got me more wound up. And when I get wound up, I wanna relax. When I want to relax, I eat. Johnny followed me into the galley-style kitchen, taking out the supplies and getting ready to transfer our stuff from the cooler to the fridge. I grabbed the bag of snacks I'd brought with me, except the chips I wanted were at the bottom, so I had to dig through all of that.

"You're not really gonna dig in there and make that racket all day, are ya?"

"I'm just looking for a bag of chips, do you mind? I mean, can't a guy just look for a bag of chips in peace?"

"Not with all that racket you're makin'," he growled under his breath. I think he thought _I_ thought he was trying not to say it too loud, but I know for a fact he knew perfectly well he was saying it loud enough for me to hear it.

"I heard that."

Suddenly, he was right next to me, lookin' at me with pure astonishment on his face. "You're actually gonna _eat_ all that? In four days?"

"Well, yeah! You know how I am, I like to snack when I go to bed."

"Don't I know it… You know, they do have a mini-mart near the park entrance. I mean, we're not landing ourselves in jail, you know."

"Yeah, I know, I know! You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna force ya to have any of this if you don't want any! In fact, I'll be so quiet, you'll never know I brought any!"

**Johnny:**

_Oh man_… This was not going well at all. I huffed back to check the fridge to see how cold it was and realized...it wasn't. Dang it, I'd forgotten that Nyquist told us to clear out all the food and turn the fridge off when we left. Hadn't stopped to think that it'd _be_ off when we came in.

I heard the rummaging stop.

"Hey, Roy?" I looked over and he was pondering a bag of chips. Then he just tossed it onto the counter and put his hands on his hips with a big sigh.

"Yeah?"

"We've got a bit of a problem, here."

He turned with defeat all over his face. "Now what?"

"The fridge isn't cold. It wasn't even turned on when we came in. It's gonna take awhile for it to cool down."

He rolled his eyes and reached to grab the chips and just stood there staring at it. I went over to him, sensing that both of us were ready to call a truce. "Listen, I think it's pretty obvious this isn't startin' off real well. Why don't we finish bringin' the rest of the stuff in here and then we'll get outta here for awhile? Walk around and check the place out before it gets dark."

"Yeah. Okay. Guess we're not doin' ourselves any favors, right now. Maybe some fresh air'll do us good."

It was already late afternoon and it didn't take us long to get all our gear out of the Rover. We finally grabbed our jackets and headed out to give the fridge time to get cold.

There was a small dirt path that led out from the porch that paralleled the nearby forest with a whole buncha smaller trails heading into the trees. We just kinda strolled along the main path, real quiet, each of us in our own thoughts, checkin' everything out. It almost seemed like the oaks were sneaking up on the ranger cabin and I could see the sun peeking through the treetops as we wandered down the path. The peace of the whole place started easin' my mood down and I finally started to feel a bit calmer about this whole thing.

**Roy:**

It felt good to be outside, get away from the confinement of four walls. My mother used to tell me to go outside whenever I started feeling down about things; always made my problems seem kinda miniscule compared to the world at large.

He walked ahead of me while I hung back a little. Somehow it seemed easier, gave us some extra space, I guess. From what, though, I wasn't sure. We just kinda wandered along like that for a while, not really walking together even though the path was wide enough, but not able to really separate ourselves from each other, either. Like somehow we found both anxiety and comfort in each other's presence.

"Hey, Roy?" Johnny's voice sounded small amid all the trees as he kicked a small rock along with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Yeah?"

"You, uh…you give any thought to how we should, uh, how we should do this?"

I had to laugh a little. Strangely, even through all my worrying about it, that truly hadn't occurred to me. "Not really, to be honest. It's funny you mention it; I honestly hadn't considered it."

It was a valid question. About knocked me off my feet, as a matter of fact.

Out of all the conversations I'd kicked around in my head the past couple of days imagining how all of this was gonna go down, it hadn't entered my mind – not once - about how it'd even get started; how we'd even get around to approaching it. Guess I'd assumed it'd take care of itself.

Remember what I said before about lifting your foot to take that first step? That was Johnny's way of bringing it up, I guess. The big question was, whose foot was it gonna be and where was it going to land?

Johnny heard some water trickling off to our left and we headed down. There was a nice stream running along with some rocks we could sit on.

**Johnny:**

We sat next to each other on two separate rocks and just sat in silence for awhile listening to the gurgling of the stream and the birds in the trees. A gentle breeze blew through the oaks and the yews. I looked over at him, staring at the water. "You've been, uh, awfully quiet all day, Roy. You've been re-thinking this whole thing, haven't you?"

He didn't say anything for a while. It was okay; wasn't in any hurry, I guess.

He finally straightened up, rubbing his hands on his jeans, like he was nervous. "Yeah." He sounded almost regretful, then a smile lit up his face just for a second, like he was apologizing. "That obvious, huh?"

"No, not really. I just know you, I guess."

"Yeah," he breathed. He settled back with his elbows on his knees again, and started ripping some poor innocent leaf to shreds while he stared at whatever was in his head. "I'm sorry, Johnny, for being outta sorts this whole trip. Guess I'm…guess I'm sad 'cause I miss my kids."

I knew he was sad about his kids, but I had to wonder if he wasn't something else, too. Took me a few minutes to get up the nerve to ask.

"Are ya mad at me?"

He looked at me real surprised. "No, Johnny. Why would I be mad at ya?"

I saw some poor little bug on a leaf struggling to right itself. So I picked up the leaf to see if I could help it out. I _am_ a rescue guy, after all. "'Cause you're here instead of being with your kids. I don't know, maybe you blame me for this whole thing."

**Roy:**

_Where does he get these ideas?_

"No – God, Johnny, no, I don't – I'm not mad at ya and I don't…I don't blame you for anything."

He wasn't looking convinced, even as he played with the bug on the leaf. "I don't blame you for any of this, alright? You understand? I don't blame you, Johnny."

Satisfied with the bug, he finally put the leaf down.

**Johnny:**

"Yeah, okay. I understand."

The silence just kinda settled between us again for a long time, both of us staring at the stream. I grabbed a few rocks and tried to bounce 'em off the surface of the water. I kept thinking of something else to say, but nothing came to mind. I couldn't believe it! Roy and I are best friends! We've known each other…how many years? Been through thick and thin and yet we couldn't come up with not two words to say to each other over something we left home for!

"God, Roy, what the hell are we so afraid of? I mean, we've run into burning buildings…a thousand times! We've had the responsibility of how many patients?"

"Yeah. But we've never had to deal with anything like this."

"Well it can't be that difficult."

He laughed. "Well then, be my guest, if you've got it all figured out."

I grabbed another rock and toyed with it, annoyed with myself. "No. I don't." Then I whipped it into the water. "Dammit, Roy, why are we making this so much harder than it is?"

"Maybe we're afraid of the consequences."

"But what would those even be? I mean, we've agreed that we don't even know what this is."

"Maybe we do, but we just don't want to be the first one to say it."

"Would you quit answering my questions and be as confused as I am?"

At least he had the decency to look abashed. "Sorry. I'll try to be less informative."

"I'd appreciate it."

I looked at him again. He still had his elbows on his knees and the little bits of leaf he'd torn up fell like snowflakes onto the mossy rocks as he put his face in his hands.

I was a little bit worried for him. "What's wrong?"

He sighed, wrapped his palm around his fist and settled his chin on his hands, "Guess I'm just…_real nervous_."

**Roy:**

He looked back at me with an awfully sad expression…and then that frown of his morphed into a grin underneath that cagey twinkle in his eye. That's never a good combination and I immediately got suspicious. "What?"

His grin got wider. "You've got, um…" he gestured to his cheek. "You've got a buncha leaf…things…"

_Fantastic. Here we are, trying to have a serious conversation and he gets comedic on me…_ I wiped my face and looked back at him.

"Other side."

_Naturally_. I wiped the other side and turned my head so he could see.

His grin got wider and he laughed and shook his head. "Nope."

_Wiseguy_. I tried again. Still nothin'.

"No, there's still a few left. Here…" He shifted on his rock to sit square with me. He leaned in and reached up. I felt his hand on my face, real gentle and a warmth flooded right through me at his touch. Warmth and…a kind of calm, I guess. All the anxiety I'd been keeping pent up just…disappeared the moment we made physical contact.

I'd been trying to convince myself all day that this was all a waste of time, but that went right out the window the moment he touched me.

I watched him trying to pick at leaf remnants on my face. His eyes were inches from mine and I flashed back to the cliff...

…_I knew I was digging my fingers into him but I couldn't help it._

_I was thankful to have something solid to hold onto. I hoped it would anchor me and ease this agitation I was feeling. But being up close to Johnny wasn't doing my body any favors. In fact…it was amplifying whatever it was that just kick started every nerve to come alive at once._

_Holding onto him, feeling him against me, I was aware of him. How warm his body felt, his arm around me, mine around him. I could feel every point of contact our bodies made. Could feel his heartbeat, feel him breathing._

_I'd never been aware of him, before._

_Not like this…_

I'd lost a bit of memory of that rescue, but some of what I did recall flashed through my head. I remembered being hauled up over the top of the cliff – feeling cold when Johnny handed me off to our brothers – and seeing them hovering over me: Mike getting my blood pressure, Marco my pulse and respirations, Chet was readying the bandages while Cap administered the O2.

I realized with a sense of shame that we really did need to deal with this.

**Johnny:**

He reached up and gently grabbed my hand. My heart about beat outta my chest, though I wasn't sure if it was from surprise or the contact. I could feel his eyes on me and I knew I had to keep focused on what I was doing. _I'd better get these last coupla leaves or we could be in for a whole lotta trouble… Got 'em!_

I showed 'em to him like they were trophies. He smiled a little bit but it was obvious something else was going on behind those blue eyes o' his that were lookin' right through me. I had a funny feeling that we were both feeling the same thing. _Man, this trip really wasn't the good idea I'd had in my head..._

I turned my hand inside of his and placed the leaves into his palm and curled his fingers closed. He opened his hand to look but the leaves fell out.

"Oh well," he shrugged as he moved his leg to look for 'em.

I shrugged at him. "No big deal. They're just going back to where they came from."

"Yeah," he chuckled. "Thanks."

Another breeze blew through the oaks and a flock of birds flew overhead, squawking kinda loud. We both looked up to track them.

"Looks like it'll start getting dark soon," Roy said and rubbed his hands on his jeans. "C'mon, let's get back to the cabin before _we _become chow for all the nocturnal predators."

"It's not _that_ late."

"Yeah, I know. But I also forgot we'd skipped lunch; I'm starving."

He shouldn't have mentioned 'nocturnal predators' 'cause it got my brain thinking. He offered me a hand up and we got back on the path and headed back to the cabin.

I stopped and pretended to tie my shoe so he would walk in front of me. I watched…calculated….I tiptoed to catch up to him and let out my best bear yell, "Yaaargh!" and bear-hugged him. 'Cept he'd heard me at the last second and jumped to side-step me, so I caught him from his right side instead of from behind.

I wasn't sure if he yelped back out of surprise or fear, but the look on his face had me in stitches! All wide-eyed in shock, his hair practically standing on end. He tried to wriggle out of my grasp, but I kept my hold on him. As it turned out that wasn't the best idea 'cause he swiveled and got me in a head-lock and gave me a sternum rub right on the top of my head! Ouch!

"Damn, Roy! That hurts!" I finally wriggled out of his grasp and rubbed my head, surprised and happy that he'd actually played along 'cause he doesn't always.

"Well that oughta teach you to scare your partner half to death."

**Roy:**

A surprised, triumphant glee lit up his face. "Did I really scare you?"

"Yeah, you scared me. I almost had a heart attack. What'd you go and do that for, anyway?"

He splayed out his claws and wild eyes and whispered, "Night predators." Then he laughed, pleased as punch with himself. "Man, I can't believe that really worked! You know, for a second there, I thought you were on to me, 'cause I knew you'd heard me."

"I _did_ hear you. I was trying to figure out why you were about to run into me, which is why I moved."

"Yeah, I kinda figured."

"I hadn't counted on being attacked."

He laughed. "Oh, man, just the expression on your face was worth it. Wished I had a camera, that was an excellent look on her face, pally, you shoulda seen it."

"Fantastic. I'm glad you thought it was swell. Are you happy now?"

"I'm very happy, pardner-o-mine, very happy. Man I can't wait to tell Chet—"

He stopped in the middle of the dirt path, his hands on his hips. The trees towered over him and his face was in shadow with the sun behind him. I started to get a little worried as his expression shifted with all the thousand thoughts going through his head.

"What is it?"

He looked up at me with sadness, hurt and anger in his watering eyes. That got my alarm bells going off.

He put up his hands, backed away from me and shook his head. "I can't— I can't do this, Roy. I can't do it." He took another step back and high-tailed it to the cabin.

"Johnny?" No answer. "Johnny!"

He was walking so fast I practically had to jog to catch up with him. I laid a hand on his elbow to slow him down, but he gently twisted out of my grasp, hands up, and continued on. "I'm not— I can't do it, Roy. I can't."

I could barely keep pace with him. "Why not?"

"Because, Roy, there's just… There's just no point, a'right?"

He broke away from me and hotfooted it up the trail. The irony of this wasn't lost on me, the fact that we'd each done a one-eighty from where we were just this morning. Somehow, I was gonna have to swing him back another one-eighty and get us both on the same page or the entire point of this trip would become moot. I could just see the look on Joanne's face if all I told her was that it'd taken four days for Johnny and I just to decide to talk about it. Did I mention my mother-in-law's very shiny, silver platter with my head squarely on it…?

I reached the cabin and stopped on the steps; I could hear him rummaging inside. Then he walked out with a couple of the lanterns.

"What're you doing?"

"Packing up, Roy. Going home," he answered as he skipped past me down the steps, whipped out his keys and headed down the opposite path to where the Rover was parked.

I followed after him. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden? We came all the way over here to talk about this and now you wanna just forget about it?"

He stopped on a dime on the dirt path, the rocks crunching under his feet as he spun around to face me. "Yeah, Roy. Because there's nothing to talk about."

He got to the Rover and dumped the lanterns inside.

I blocked his path as he turned back toward the cabin. "Now look, we've got a serious situation on our hands. We can't afford to act like this is some kind of a joke."

'You see me laughing, Roy? I wish to hell it were a joke."

He tried to stalk off again, but I grabbed his arm and held him in place. "I don't understand you. You harp on me all day about needing to settle this thing between us and now you do a one-eighty –"

"Fine! You wanna settle this? Then let's _settle_ this! How do you feel, Roy? Can you answer me that? How do you _feel?_"

His pure vehemence stunned me for a moment. "I—I don't know, Johnny –"

"Well I don't know, either! I don't know how I feel! So we're even. Neither of us knows how we feel about something we can't even put our finger on! Clearly, there is nothin' to talk about, so I don't see any reason we can't just skedaddle outta here and go home!"

"Look, it's not that I don't know where you're coming from, but we can't do that."

"Well why the hell not? Look, it's real simple, Roy. We say 'enough' and voila! Done! That's it! Everything's _aalllll _settled." He slid his hands across himself like a hula dancer.

"You know full well that's not gonna happen."

He waggled a finger at me. "We just get Chet to help us out with one of his crazy philosophy books and we're good as new."

"And how're you gonna explain to him why we need one of his crazy philosophy books?"

He opened his mouth but if there was a thought in his head it never made it out of his mouth. He frowned and his hands started to wave around a little. "Well… I mean…it's not like we'd have to…say…anything…"

"Uh huh."

His eyes darted around, trying to come up with another angle. But I think he felt cornered 'cause his anger returned; I could see it clouding his face. "Fine! I know you're right…" He fidgeted and huffed a few breaths, sure signs that his anger was still smoldering. "S_hit_, Roy. I _don't_ want to do this!"

"I know you don't. I don't either, but we don't have a choice."

"Look, all we gotta do—"

I stepped close to him. "Can you turn your feelings on and off? Just like that?" I snapped my fingers.

"Well, we're just gonna _have_ to, Roy."

_Uh huh_. I reached for the top button on his button-down shirt and started to undo it. He involuntarily took a step back and breathed a sharp intake of breath, his hand on mine, as if in defense. His eyes snapped shut and his voice was a shaky whisper. "Roy…?"

I let go of him and smoothed his shirt to let him know it was okay. He took a deep breath and visibly relaxed before looking at me with an expression I couldn't read. Relief? Disappointment? Or something else, I couldn't tell.

"That was pretty extreme, granted. But I wasn't trying to freak you out or come onto ya. I just needed you to understand. Were you in control just then? Can you guarantee that you can keep your feelings under control, keep 'em locked away, day in and day out, shift after shift, in every situation–?"

"Alright! You made your point," he muttered. He turned away with his face in his hands and put his head against them on the Rover. "Dammit, Roy, this whole thing's got me turned upside down."

"It has me turned upside down, too. But, you were right and you've been right all along. We need to figure this out, because the not knowing is gonna drive us to the funny farm. It's already wreaking havoc and we haven't even gotten started yet. But the most important reason we have to consider is that it could very easily make our job that much more dangerous. If it was just you and me and we were a coupla CPA's, that might be one thing. But what if Chet or Marco gets hurt because neither of us was paying attention? Or Mike? Or Cap? I don't think either of us are willing to deal with the consequences."

He straightened up, looking defeated, then leaned back on the Rover, looking at his fingernails. "Yeah… You're right. I just…"

"What?"

He opened his mouth, but for once in his life, was silent. He warily glanced at me then shook his head. "Naw…"

In the expression he threw me, I realized what had stopped us – had stopped me was more like it – from being able to start this conversation this whole time; to even consider how it would start. "Look, why don't we make this the first rule: no judgments. We're each allowed to say what we need to say without recrimination. We need to be able to be honest with one another or this isn't gonna fly. Deal?"

He nodded then let out a long breath, like he'd been weighed down by thirty air packs.

"Deal. _Definitely_ a deal."

"Alright. So what were you gonna say? You can take your time, by the way, I mean, it's not like we're going anywhere."

"Just that…" he sighed, again. "Look, maybe we oughta figure out what this is, first, y'know? 'Cause maybe, if it's nothin' then we wouldn't have a problem, right?"

I considered that. "Yeah. Okay. I guess I can see your point. You first, though."

The look he threw me was total indignation. "Whaddya mean 'me first'? Why me?"

"It was your idea."

His face screwed up and he skewered me with a _look_. "Fine. Be that way. Okay. All right. Here we go…" Resignation crossed his face then he planted his feet, preparing to make his charge. His eyes flickered at me every so often as if gauging he was on the right track. "Okay. So. We've got this…thing, right? I mean, we've got this…thing between us. You and…me….Me 'n'…you –"

_Oh brother_…

"—We've got this…like how I was saying, we've got this…."

"—thing—"

"—thing—"

"…between us, this…yeah, like you just said, this…thing… that we have between us…"

"I assumed when you proposed your idea that we'd agree on it sometime before Christmas."

'I'm gettin' to it. Don't…rush me."

"I have to. We only have three more days."

His hands waved around. "I'm just tryin' to find the right…words….tryin' to….build up to it, y'know?"

"You might wanna try building faster."

"Alright! Alright. Boy, you can be real pushy sometimes."

"By the time you get to it, Johnny, there won't _be_ anything between us. Although maybe I'm beginning to see the wisdom in your strategy."

"Alright. Okay." He took a deep breath and tried a different approach. "A'right, look, you and me…that is….you and I….have this…kind of…._thing_ going on between us that I think…maybe we might both acknowledge, y'know, as actually…_happening_ between the two of us…in maybe a sort of way that you and I, that _we_, might maybe agree, perhaps is really…y'know, going on—"

_This is going nowhere_… "Let's just say it. We're attracted to each other."

He whipped his head at me in complete, utter astonishment.

**Johnny:**

I couldn't…!...believe he'd–!

I had to turn away 'cause I couldn't look him in the eye.

Hearing it aloud all of a sudden brought this intense feeling over me and I was completely overwhelmed. I was still feelin' kinda heady from when he'd reached over to my shirt and what he'd said just now kinda sent me over the edge.

His voice sounded funny to my ears, like he was _real_ far away… "I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but if we're gonna start bein' honest then we need to be honest."

I had to stop and put a hand out 'cause I was feeling dizzy. "Whoa…"

"What's wrong?"

I wavered a bit. "…kinda dizzy…"

**Roy:**

I grabbed him and sat him down on the rear bumper. "Siddown. You alright?"

He put a hand to his head and just sat there, breathing pretty shallow.

"Johnny?" I put my hand on his back and kept one on his shoulder and held him steady. "Here, just breathe, okay? Nice and easy. Take slow, deep breaths for me, alright?"

He sat still, trying to control his breathing for a couple minutes.

"You alright?"

He nodded. He turned to look at me then turned quickly away, again, and huffed a breath. "I can't even look at you."

"Then don't try to."

"Hell, Roy. That's a helluva reaction, don'tcha think? I'm supposed to be attracted to you and I can't even look at you?"

"'S okay. How do you feel?"

"Like I've been hit by a ton of bricks." He took a few breaths, winding himself up. "I mean, I suppose it was obvious, but…hearing it out loud just…man, that about knocked me over!'

**Johnny:**

"I noticed. Look, I knew what you were trying to say and I had a feeling that if we spent the whole time tripping over ourselves, we'd never get around to it." He sighed. "One of us had to say it. I mean, it had to come out at some point," he sounded resigned.

"Yeah, I hear ya. Guess I just didn't expect it so soon. And so…."

We looked at each other.

"Direct?"

"Yeah. Man, you can't get anymore direct than that, I'll tell you."

"Can you stand? We should be getting back inside."

I was still feelin' kinda heady. "Give me a sec."

I closed my eyes to level my head. And then my whole world turned upside down. Literally. In the span of about five seconds I went from sitting on my car to bein' yanked forward and lifted up in the air. "Whoa! Hey! Roy!"

All I could see was Roy's arm and feet below my head and my own feet dangling on the other side of him as he walked back to the cabin. I had to admit, even though I was still upset, it was kinda fun, once I got over the initial shock, but there was no way in hell I was ever gonna tell _him_ that. "Roy!"

"Maybe that'll teach you not to scare your partner half to death."

Besides, I swear he had that evil grin on his face.

**Roy:**

I carried him back to the cabin. He protested all the way, but his enthusiasm seemed to wane with each passing step. I finally let him down near the bottom of the steps and he hung onto me as he slid off me. His hand lingered at the back of my neck and it sent a warm shiver right through me.

**Johnny:**

A joke came into my head about all this, but I think we were both still reeling from that admission and I was afraid the humor would get lost and he'd get angry and we'd start in on all the arguing, again. I was just too tired and too wired to deal with anything like that, so I let it go.

I think, in another time and place it might've been pretty funny, but I realized just then how much our relationship had changed.

And that made me real sad.

**Roy:**

His hand slid off my shoulder and he trudged up the steps like he'd done ten hours of overhaul; a bit of a drastic change from his enthusiastic griping from just a moment ago. _Now__ what is he upset about?_

He was worrying me with his abrupt mood changes. Johnny's not like that and the only thing I could think of was that this whole thing was weighing on him a lot more than he was letting on. I couldn't allow that to continue; I had to find a way to keep him talking.

I traipsed after him and followed him into the kitchen, where he was unloading the kitchen supplies. We worked in silence for a bit while I waited for hm to get things off his chest. He usually does that on his own, but it was clear this time he was in need of a prodding by Yours Truly.

I grabbed the bag of plates and napkins he handed me. "You want to tell me what's eating at you?"

"What? Oh. Nothing." He dug into the box and brought out a couple of pots.

_This has to stop here and now.._. "Johnny, listen, we can't afford to be side-stepping anything. We've only got three more days and I guarantee you they're gonna go by awfully fast. We need to be totally honest with each other; get everything out in the open so there's no 'what ifs' by the time we leave here. If there's something on your mind, I'd like you to feel comfortable enough to tell me. We decided no judgments, right?"

He stopped, hands over the box. "Right."

"Okay. No judgments. Scout's honor."

He looked at me with a wary eye. "Okay…" He breathed out. "I guess I'm just… I hadn't realized until just now how much…how much our relationship has changed since…this whole thing started. Just made me sad, that's all."

"What do you mean it's changed? I mean, in what way, specifically, are you thinking of that's got you down all of a sudden?"

His shoulders sagged and he laid his hands across the open flaps of the box. "It's just… Okay, right now, when we came back…" he sighed, defeated. "Naw, this is stupid," he waved it off.

"No, it's not. None of this is stupid. Look, everything has to come out into the open, Johnny. We won't be able to deal with this, otherwise. I'd like to hear it."

"It's just… When we came back just now, I was gonna say somethin' to you. A joke, you know? But I stopped myself 'cause I was afraid you might take it the wrong way or get mad or somethin' and then we'd end up arguin' about it and I just… it just seemed like, _before_, you know, I could joke around with you and you'd know it was a joke. But now, I feel like…like I gotta be careful about what I say because it could be taken as innuendo or…misconstrued in a particular way that I didn't mean, at all. It just… it just complicates the _hell_ out of what used to be so damned _simple_, y'know?"

I could see his point, but I needed to know what'd made him think of it in the first place. "I'm not sure I follow you. But you've definitely got me curious about what you were gonna say."

He waved me off and dug into the box, again. "Forget it."

"No, I wanna hear it."

He turned to me with a softness in his eyes, then his eyes dropped and he got uncharacteristically shy all of a sudden. "I was gonna make a crack about you carrying me over the threshold."

Despite himself, a glimmer of a smile appeared on his face.

It was pretty infectious. "I didn't think you'd want someone peeking under your dress like that—"

He laughed, still looking sheepish and his eyes brightened. "No. _Definitely_ no."

I reached out and my hand slid down his arm to reassure him. "There. See? Nothing's changed."

He flicked his eyes at me and his smile was tinged with sadness. He gently grabbed my fingers and rubbed them and my heart leaped a little at that simple touch. But I could see that it triggered a wave of emotion in him. His eyes teared up, his face darkened and he leaned his other elbow on the counter to shade his face with his hand.

Almost instinctively, I moved closer to him….to…what? I wasn't sure. I could hear his breathing, a little ragged and erratic and it saddened me to wonder what he was feeling, right then. I suppose it might've seemed like I should've done something…held him or said something. But nothing seemed right. In fact, it seemed just enough that we stayed the way we were. So we stood like that for a time, him holding my fingers loosely in his as I just stood and watched him. All I could do was wait patiently for him, let him know I was around if he needed me. I rubbed his fingers a little to reassure him again.

After awhile, he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger and then rested his hand again over his mouth, tears still lingering in his eyes.

"You want to talk about it?"

He shook his head, eyes fixated somewhere on the wall.

**Johnny:**

I know what he said about gettin' everything out in the open, but I couldn't do it just then, or I would've started in right then and there and not been able to stop.

_Dammit! _I wanted to…pound something or…punch a hole n the wall or…_something!_ It just felt _nice_ to feel his touch and I really, finally had to admit that to myself. But I didn't understand why! I mean…_why_ after all these years? I felt confused as hell and I didn't understand why this was happening. And the worst thing was, neither of us could ever _say_ anything; could ever _do_ anything about it!

_God! I hate this! _I felt like we were losing something we'd barely had a chance to have at all. _Why__ does this all have to be so damned complicated?_

"Are you okay?"

_No, Roy, I am not okay!_ I nodded and let go of his hand. "Let me, uh…look, can we talk about this tomorrow? I don't think I'm up for tackling it tonight."

"Yeah, yeah, we can do that. I think we've been through enough for one day."

**Roy:**

We made quick work of loading the fridge, picking our rooms and unpacking our gear. We planned out our hike for the next day during dinner, prepared our gear afterwards, and hit the sack.

I'm not sure about Johnny but it took me quite a while to fall asleep. Johnny's words kept haunting me, I guess maybe because some it was stuff I'd already thought of and it just validated the reality of it all now that he'd considered it, too. I tried to calm myself by thinking about Joanne and the kids but that just made me depressed.

The only thing that seemed to settle me down was thinking about his fingers holding mine…

* * *

><p>"<em>Mornin'!"<em>

"_Mornin'!"_

"_You sleep okay?"_

"_Yeah. Slept right through the night. You?"_

"_Same here."_

**Johnny:**

_Yeah, well, so much for bein' honest with each other…_

The black oaks were giving way to the grey pines, big leaf maples and the tanoaks so I knew we'd gone up a couple thousand feet.

I looked up at him walking ahead of me on the trail in his khaki shorts, white shirt and brown, new hiking boots, handkerchief around his neck and straw hat. I had to squint in the sunlight, even with my shades on and wipe the sweat off my forehead.

I'd tried at various times all through the hike to…see my partner differently. I mean, we're supposed to be attracted to each other, right? And it's not like we've never seen each other. I mean, all these years as partners and gettin' grimy and dirty and spending 24 hours at a time on shift, I mean, you're bound to see each other, else you'd have to shower with your clothes on! Like it or not, that's life in the fire department – it ain't for the squeamish or the faint of heart or the shy, if you know what I mean. So, okay. I tried being attracted to him. I looked at him every so often, you know, the way a guy would check out a girl; tried to, well, you know, think about stuff. I was definitely feeling something for 'im, but, at the same time, I wasn't.

I'd gotten almost no sleep with everything goin' through my head all night. I'd thought about what had happened between us the day before, especially when Roy'd said we were – damn, but I was still havin' a hard time with that word – when he said we were attracted to each other. But despite that he'd claimed that nothing had changed, I still _felt_ like things had changed between us and, frankly, how could they not have? Whatever it was, I felt like it might somehow ruin our friendship; like we'd no longer be able relate to each other the way we had all along. I was worried it might ruin our partnership, too.

We'd started hiking around 7, hoping to get as much of the hike as possible under our belts before noon. The trail was a little over twelve miles round-trip. Figured it'd take us most of the day, if we kinda took our time and stopped for lunch. But Ranger Nyquist wasn't kidding when he said most of the flags were faded. Roy and I damn near started down the wrong way more than a few times and that slowed us down quite a bit. It was taking more concentration to stay on the trail and clear a couple portions of it that we hadn't really had much chance to talk. We'd kinda talked about other stuff and rehashed a few things here and there, but we just hadn't been able to focus enough to really get into things.

We were heading up the ridge at about a 30-degree angle. We'd come out of a shady part of the trail and were now into a fairly long stretch that was wide open and full of ground cover and grasses without a tree in sight for about 100 yards. The sun was beatin' down awful fierce and I was glad we'd both brought extra sunscreen and canteens. At least there was a steady breeze.

Roy'd taken the lead for this part of the trail and I could see he was having a bit of a time; he was breathing kinda hard. I think he wasn't in near the shape he thought he was.

"Roy?"

He stopped, wiped the sweat off his face with the sleeve of his shirt and leaned on the makeshift walking stick we'd made earlier to look back at me, catching his breath.

"Can I ask you some'in'?"

He absently waved a hand. "You can ask me anything. No judgments, remember?"

"Yeah. I remember."

He started up again. "Go ahead."

"Did you really sleep all night?"

He stopped and turned to me and made a face. "No…" he breathed out and started climbing again. "Barely slept a wink, as a matter of fact. You?"

"Barely slept a wink. Mind if I ask you some'in' else?"

"Yeah." 'Cept he didn't sound like he really wanted to be asked anything else.

"What were you thinking about?"

I saw his steps kinda slow down, like he was surprised by the question and he stopped. "My wife. My kids." He started up again. "You. Me. Us. What about you?"

"Oh, I dunno. You. Me. Us."

He stopped and nabbed a sip out of the canteen. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and re-adjusted the canteen strap over his shoulder. "Boy, after yesterday's bombshells, we're certainly making progress today, huh?"

I caught up to him and grabbed a sip out of my canteen. "You can say that again. All this yakkin' is making me thirsty."

He smiled and stuck his makeshift walking stick in the ground and wiped his forehead, again. "You know we can't keep stalling like this."

"What're you talking about? I've been waitin' for _you_," I joked.

He did a double-take. "Why me?"

"You're the senior medic."

"Fantastic." He grabbed his stick and started along the trail.

"You know, Roy, if we can't even get started talking about this, how're we gonna discuss our wedding plans?" I took a big swing of water in preparation for startin' after him.

"We'll get Mike to organize it," he called back. "We could ask Chet, but I'd rather not have a lot of fuss."

I spewed out all my water. I could just _see_ what a wedding planned by _Chet_ would look like and I had to work at not choking on the water while I tried not to laugh drinking it.

It did remind me about a few things, though…

"You alright?" I heard him call from ahead.

"Yeah! Just quit tryin' to make me laugh when I'm drinkin'!"

**Roy:**

Despite my reassurances to him the night before, I knew that things weren't the same between us. How could they be, really? But we'd both been having a pretty rough time trying to sort this out between us and I didn't want to add anymore to the pot that was already brewing.

It was reassuring to know that we _could_ still joke around the way we used to. I guess maybe it was all finally sinking in and we were relaxing enough to finally have some fun with each other.

Except, of course, my partner was choking.

"Am I gonna have to do mouth to mouth?"

He snorted a chuckle in between coughs, which made him cough even more. "I thought we were saving each other for our wedding night?"

"Not if Chet's planning prowess has anything to say about it."

**Johnny:**

And that got me thinking again about what I'd just been thinkin' about along with everything else I'd thought about before.

What if things _really were_ gettin' serious between us? We've already figured out that we're attracted to each other, we're jokin' about wedding plans...and that whole thing between us, last night. A big portion of my sleepless night was thinkin' about what'd happened in the kitchen…his hand in mine…how it felt…that _connection_ between us that…I was feeling right now, too.

I mean….if we were attracted to each other and…I was feelin'….like how I was last night with…two of us….standin' there like that…then…maybe…what if…we really were….are…?

Admittedly, it'd…crossed my mind in between my fifteen minutes of dozing every five hours during the night, but I was hoping I'd wake up this morning and everything that'd happened…the day before'd happened all in my head 'cause I couldn't fathom having to wallow through everything we were lookin' at havin' to wallow through.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, just…give me a minute."

He backtracked to me and patted my back. Not that I needed it, I felt perfectly okay. But I didn't feel like arguin', either. "This isn't helping my love of water rescues, I'll have you know that."

"Well if I'd known you had a drinking problem, I'd've offered to carry your canteen for ya."

"Ha ha."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I am now. No thanks to you."

"C'mon, let's crest this ridge and hope for a view in the shade and grab some lunch. I'm starving."

"Lead on, pally."

We made it up to the top of that ridge and found a shady spot overlooking the canyon. A few clouds were up and the sunlight and the breeze were holding steady. We nestled in, got our lunch and watched the birds.

**Roy:**

I looked over at my partner and thought about what'd happened the day before; what prompted him to suddenly turn tail after he'd scared me.

"So…Johnny, uh, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah. Go right ahead."

"Can I ask you what got you so down yesterday?"

"Whaddya mean?"

"After your little stint playing practical joker. One minute you're trying to scare me half to death and the next you're goin' off half-cocked, obviously upset about something. You never told me what was eatin' at ya."

"I guess my mood change musta seemed kinda strange, huh?"

"Not that it's not understandable considering the circumstances but I was just curious if it was something I did or said or…what was it, exactly, that set you off?"

He took a bite then took a deep breath. "It's just that…when I thought about tellin' Chet about that look on your face I remembered that no one's supposed to know we're here. That got me back to thinkin' about… what if…what if things really _did_ get serious between us? I mean…no one could _know_ about it, Roy._ Ever!_ Our lives would end up bein' a whole _secret!_ And then we'd, we'd have to invent _lies_ to back-up all the _other_ lies and secrets and…I mean, it goes on and on and on! Forever! I mean…I can't imagine _living_ like that. I can't imagine _anyone_ having to live like that!"

"Got under your skin, huh?"

"You're damn right it got under my skin! How could it not, Roy? I mean, doesn't the whole idea of that _bother_ _you? _People havin' to…live a lie just for _show?_ So that _everybody else_ can be _comfortable?_ I mean that's just _crazy!_ Don't you think that's _crazy?_"

"Yeah, I think it's crazy. And yeah, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot." _Maybe that's why I hadn't been wanting to do this in the first place..._

"It really makes you wonder! I mean, I wonder how many guys in the Department got married just 'cause they couldn't stand the thought of people knowing who they really were? Can you imagine the backlash if it got out that anyone in the Department was queer? Makes me kinda curious about all those divorce statistics with people claiming 'irreconcilable differences'. Maybe they're _not_ _all about_ the wives not bein' able to deal with the job."

"Yeah. You may very well have a point."

"A lot of my friends growing up had parents who were divorced; I saw first-hand what that can do to kids. Some were okay, sure. But to upend people's lives because everyone's decided you're not right, is just…well, it's just not right!"

'_To upend people's lives…'_ That's exactly what I'd been afraid of, this whole time. I just couldn't stomach the thought of bouncing Chris and Jenny between Joanne and I, engaging in custody battles and all of that sort of thing. I couldn't imagine any parent _willingly_ putting their kids though that unless they really felt it was best for the kids; unless they were abjectly miserable with their lives. In the end, no matter what the reason, there is no way that's an easy decision. "I think most of them simply don't have a choice."

"Exactly! And that's what I'm sayin', Roy. There's no _choice_, in it! None! It's taken away from you by people who know _nothing_ about you! All the, the in-laws, the kids, you, the wife… _Ten_ lives all in a jumbled mess because _one_ person decided you weren't fit to be called a human being! That's just crazy! Don't tell me that's not crazy!"

"I agree with you! It's crazy!"

"I mean, I just… Man, what the hell kind of world do we live in?" We sat in silence for awhile; I had a feeling he wasn't finished. He started picking at his fingernails and his voice got real soft. "You know, there are some tribes who revere homosexuality."

"Why's that?"

"Because they embody both the male and the female. They consider that to be a higher level of spiritual existence."

"What about your tribe?"

He took a bite of his pastrami sandwich. "I have no idea. We lost a lot of our heritage. I have no idea what they might've traditionally thought about…that kinda stuff."

"Unfortunately, we're not firemen on tribal land. Considering the history of almost any fire department, you're right to be worried about it."

"I think anyone in their right mind would be worried about it. All I know, is I can't imagine having to spend my life hiding like that. Really makes me respect any of the guys in the Department who might have to act otherwise." He inhaled slowly and let out a breath. "And…" He absently rotated his sandwich around in his hands, as if trying to pinpoint the precise location of where to take the next bite.

"And what?"

"Just that…what if…this whole thing between us means…we're not…who we think we are?"

"You mean what if we're gay?"

His head whipped 'round at me, his eyes narrowed.

"Look, if we're gonna be honest, we might as well be honest."

**Johnny:**

Man, ometimes my partner doesn't pull any punches. I had to take a deep breath to let the consequences of all that sink in for a bit. _Here we go again_… Guess it was time to take the plunge into Revelation #2 on this trip.

"Okay. Since we're, uh, aimin' for the 'direct method', lemme ask you. You, uh, you ever feel this way about another guy before?"

**Roy:**

That was the question I'd been asking myself since this whole thing started. It'd even kept me up a night or two. The day Johnny'd stopped by the house after shift to warn me about Cap, I sat and watched the cardinals out in the backyard; thought about my life. That question came at me and I initially rejected it as being nonsense. But this thing with Johnny intruded in and I was forced to confront it; forced into considering all the guys I knew growing up, the gang I knew in high school, in the army, and the Los Angeles County Fire Department.

My feelings about my partner made me re-evaluate every relationship I'd had and have – including and especially - the one with my wife. They made me take a hard look at myself and the people I've cared about the most.

But more than that, they'd confused the hell out of me and while I kept revisiting the question and coming to the same conclusion, I was still left with a lot of unanswered questions. I could only hope I could leave here with those answers.

"Take your time, Roy. I mean it. I mean, this is the one question that's at the crux of this whole thing between us and this isn't the time to be dodgin' bullets just for the sake of the comfort of the other person. In fact, why don't we make that the second rule: No pressure."

"Okay. Second rule: No pressure. Deal."

"Okay, so take your time."

"Well, I've already got my answer."

**Johnny:**

I had to admit, my heart was in my throat with every scenario goin' at a thousand miles an hour through my head: _What if him, but not me? / What if me, not him? / What if both? / What about Joanne and the kids? / What about the guys at the station? / What about the Department? / What about the paramedic program? / The gang at Rampart? / Friends? / Families? / What if neither? / What if…? _

_And if it's neither…than what the __hell's__ goin' on between us? _

I put my sandwich down and gave him my full attention. "Okay, shoot. But before you say anything, Roy, I just want you to know you have my full support. No matter what, I'm always gonna be here for ya."

"Thanks, Johnny. That means a lot. Really. But…the answer is no. I have never had these kinds of feelings for another male, despite Chet's insistence on it the other day. Now it's your turn. And just so you know, I'm always gonna stick with ya, no matter what your answer."

**Roy:**

He took another bite of his sandwich before he said anything. I suspect he does that as a way of hiding, sometimes. "No, I never have, either."

Well that settled it, then. For me, anyway. Clearly, this was something just between the two of us; an isolated incident, if you will. I suppose that might've been obvious but at least it was all on the table. That still left only two questions answered of about a hundred thousand, however.

'A journey of a thousand miles…'

That saying was really starting to get on my nerves.

He was munching on the subsequent bite he'd taken and tried to stuff the pastrami back between the bread slices. "So whaddya think this means?"

_Means we're back at square one and I haven't got a clue yet as to where to go from here… _"It means I've got a hankering for some of those oranges. Hand me one, will ya?"

He stared at me in mid-chew looking a little stunned. "I don't have 'em. I thought you brought 'em."

"Well I saw you put a bag of them on the counter before we left this morning, so I'd assumed you'd brought them."

"No, I never grabbed 'em. I thought _you_ had."

"No, I didn't. Beautiful." I slapped the walking stick in irritation and got myself on the wrist with my own watch. "Ow." It did make me think about checking the time. "Hey, listen, we'd better get a move on if we're gonna finish this and get back before dark."

Johnny checked his watch and promptly stuffed the rest of his sandwich in his mouth accompanied by a, "Rrghmff."

We gathered our stuff and hit the trail.

**~!~!**~!~****

_[20 minutes later]_

"Uh…I'm not so sure this is the right way, Johnny."

"You're not seein' anything, either, huh?"

"No. In fact I haven't seen even a _remnant_ of a flag for the last 25 yards."

"Yeah, same here. Shit. Better remember to tell Nyquist that his map is a little funky. Alright, let's head back. I guess tail's won it, trail's gotta be to the right."

**Johnny:**

That was the second wrong turn we'd made in almost the last half hour. We weren't even to the end of the trail and it was already afternoon; we still had to get back! Though, in theory, it'd be faster and easier heading back with the flags actually visible.

We got back to the fork and started down the right head of the trail. But I was noticing that Roy'd kinda slowed down a little and he clutched his stomach. _Uh-oh_. Anyway you turn it, that's bad. And on a lone ridge several thousand feet up with no one knowing we're up here – it's even worse. My heart sank; my partner was in trouble.

"Roy? You alright?" I held my breath…

"Not really."

_Shit._ "What's wrong?"

He was holding his side. "Got a side stitch. Think I'm dehydrated or we started hiking too soon after lunch. Gettin' leg cramps, too. And my feet are killing me."

"Shoes?"

"Yeah. You know I bought these to go hiking with the kids. I'd broken 'em in, but not enough for this kind of a hike."

I considered things for a bit. "Okay, look, there's only about a mile and a half left until the end of the trail. Why don't I go on ahead and finish flagging it and you can rest up?"

He looked at me with a bit of a sad expression while the wheels turned in his head.

"It's only about a mile and a half. I'll be back before you know it."

He nodded. "I'm not sure I like it, but it's probably best. Okay. Let's make sure the HT's are working."

We checked the HT's – our Radio Shack™ walkie-talkies, that is - and swapped out a couple of things.

He held onto his hat against a sudden kick in the breeze, "I'll wait for you back at the lunch spot, alright?"

"Yeah, good idea, it's got all that shade. You need help gettin' back over there?"

"No. Go on ahead. I'll manage."

All of a sudden, watching him leave, knowing I was leaving him behind kinda ramped up my anxiety. I grabbed his shoulder as he started back. "Hey, you sure you're gonna be okay?"

**Roy:**

I felt his hand on my shoulder and I turned back to him. His light grip evoked a nice warm feeling in my chest, but didn't match the intense look of worry on his face.

"I'll be fine," I tried to reassure him. "You'd better hurry so we can get back down before dark."

"Okay. Be careful."

"I thought that was my line."

He flashed a sad smile and his eyes followed as his hand slid down my arm. His fingers nearly reached mine, but his face scrunched up in anger and he brusquely yanked his hand away.

"What? What is it?"

"Nothin'," he said sourly and made to go back up the mountain.

I grabbed his arm and held onto him. "It's not nothing. Now we've been over this. This is real and it's affecting us and we've gotta get to the bottom of this. But we can't do that if you won't be straight with me."

He about put me under the table with a _look_.

"Okay. Bad choice of words. But ya gotta trust me, Johnny, alright? I wanna know what's eating at ya."

"Fine! Look, we're supposed to be _attracted_ to each other, right?"

His anger was coming out again and I thought it best to keep as calm as possible. "Yeah. As best as we understand it –"

"But we're not queer?" He said it like he was double-checking that that's what we'd decided on.

"Not unless we're lying about it—"

"Then why do I…?" He fidgeted again, not knowing what to do with himself until he finally threw his hands in the air. "Gaaaahh!" He spun away from me as he yelled in frustration. "It's so _stupid_, Roy! It's just so damned stupid! After two days of, of doin' _nothin_' but _talk_ about this and, and thinkin' we're makin' all these _strides_ and _progress_, we're back to square one! We're no closer to figuring this out than when we started! I mean, how can we be attracted to each other if we're not gay? Does that make any sense to you?"

"No. At least not at the mom—"

"Then where is this _coming_ from, Roy? Where is this _coming_ from?"

"I don't know –"

"I mean, I don't get it! Do _you?_ How does that _happen_, Roy? How does this kind of thing _happen?_"

He was getting himself worked up, again, and as much as we needed to have this conversation, unfortunately, now was not the time.

"Hey," I gently grabbed his right hand. He must've felt that same electric jolt that I had 'cause he abruptly ceased his diatribe, stepped closer to me and we stood together shoulder to opposite shoulder, him in seething silence. Then with another guttural yell of frustration, he curled himself around me, lay his left arm across my right shoulder and put his head down on his arm.

"I fucking hate this, Roy," he muttered after awhile, fingers rubbing mine.

I rubbed them back. "I know. This isn't any picnic for me, either. I don't have any answers, Johnny, at least…not here standing at the edge of a cliff. But…look, maybe we need to just allow our feelings to be what they are; let them happen instead of suppressing them. We've already decided we weren't going to make judgments about each other so maybe we need to turn that upon ourselves and not judge what we're feeling or assume that we're supposed to feel a certain way. We feel what we feel. Maybe we need to just…go with that. Maybe that'll give us the answers."

He took in a deep breath and let it out. He straightened up and rubbed my shoulder. "Yeah. You're right."

"Well, I don't know about that. It's about all I could think of, 'cause, frankly, I'm fresh out of ideas."

He smiled. "Yeah, well, it's a better idea than I had. Which was none at all." He looked up toward the trail and let out a breath, "Guess I'd better finish this thing, huh? Don't really want to, though."

"I know. But listen, maybe some space between us is just the thing. Give us time to figure things out on our own. Who knows? Maybe lightning will strike one of us while we're up here and everything will be solved."

He leaned in and put a hand on my chest, "Uh, Roy, that's probably not the kind of thing you wanna wish for, right now."

I looked skyward. "Relax. There's nothing but blue sky and a steady breeze."

"You'll be sorry when you have to come and get me, pally, in the howling wind and beating rain. The mountain hears you, y'know. 'Course, you had all that practice carryin' me around, yesterday, so I expect full, professional service from a Los Angeles County Rescue Fireman."

"Oh, you'll get full, professional service, I guarantee it. I'll even supply a band-aid for you."

"Awww, gee thanks, Roy," he patted my shoulder. "You're the best partner a guy can count on."

"I aim to please. Now beat it before I wrap gauze around your mouth as a preventative measure from driving me crazy."

He adjusted his gear before setting off. "Roy, I'll never forget this. Your caring and concern for me just…makes me want to hurl."

I about laughed out loud. "Fine. Just do it downwind, alright?"

"Which direction was that again?" He proceeded to pretend to throw up right next to me and I had to do some fancy footwork to avoid him. I gently shoved him toward the trail, but he regained his footing and came at me again with a couple more fake heaving motions before he finally took off up the trail, sniggering.

_Wise guy_. I turned to head back down to the lunch spot.

"Hey, Roy?"

"Yeah?"

"You sure you're gonna be okay?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. See you in a bit."

"Yeah." Then he was gone, swallowed by the pines and brush, and I felt a tinge of sadness at finding myself alone.

I figured he'd be back inside of an hour but I took it easy heading back. That break helped ease my side stitch, but it wasn't long 'till my sides started to hurt again and I was having a hard time keeping air in my lungs. I had to stop every so often and try to take a deep breath in slow, pain-tinged stages.

My feet weren't faring much better. I could feel what probably amounted to maybe two blisters forming on my left foot, which left me at least one good foot to make it down the mountain with. So far, anyway. The sun was beating down pretty good but the breeze was holding steady, so I at least had that working for me.

After hobbling down the trail for awhile, I stopped at the lengthy scenic section of the trail we'd simply walked through on the way up. The trail was awfully narrow, walled in on one side by the east slope of the canyon and topped by a row of tanoaks but open and darn near treacherous on the west side of the trail, though it did offer an open view of the rest of the canyon. Fortunately, this particular portion of the trail wasn't too bad as far as vertical ascent. Part of the reason Johnny and I had simply walked through here on the way up was while the trail itself only ran up about 30 degrees, the open west-facing embankment netted about a 60 or 70 degree incline. The path, itself, is certainly doable, but a mis-step along that open west embankment could take you down pretty far and fast, depending on where you took a dive.

I was sweating quite a bit from the hot afternoon sun and the exertion and stopped to rest, grab some water and appreciate the view…

…and think about what Johnny'd said. Sometimes his perspective is just a little too fraught with twists and turns for my personal taste. Doesn't keep him from bringing up a good point, on occasion, though: _'Then where is this coming from, Roy?'_ Not that that wasn't an obvious question, but, still, it needed to be asked.

All things being equal and if neither of us was lying to ourselves or each other, than why _were_ we experiencing these intense feelings for each other? What exactly had brought them on and why?

A fire investigator determines the area of origin and pinpoints the ignition source. I think I knew, for myself, anyway, what the area of origin was; pinpointing the ignition source, however, was going to prove to be a lot harder.

I twisted the cap off the canteen and took a few sips, enjoying the sunlight highlighting all the foliage of the canyon wall on the opposite ridge.

A sudden commotion sounded in the tanoaks up behind me and the birds erupted out of the trees like bats outta hell. That'd startled me and I spun around to see what was happening, figuring there to be some kind of predator looking at me for its next meal. But my world turned upside down in a matter of moments. My foot slid off the loose rock I hadn't realized I was standing on, curled underneath me, causing my gear to shift, which threw me off-balance as I'd twisted around. I lost my footing and tumbled over the embankment - exactly the direction I didn't want to go in. I slid down the ridge in the loose dirt and grabbed at any tuft of grass I could get my hands on to stop my downward descent.

Wasn't sure how far I'd slid down. All I knew was that I was coughing from all the dust and that I'd landed right near a pair of poodle-dog bushes. _Fantastic_. _ Just what I'd need on top of blisters. _

At least I'd stopped sliding. External physical assessment: I seemed to be okay, with the exception of major lacerations running up along the side of my left leg and arm, my hands, and what I was sure would be a hefty bruise or two on my shoulder and knees. Internally, nothing seemed to be broken, that I could detect, so far, anyway, but I had a feeling a few muscle groups were gonna be complaining rather loudly the moment I tried to move. At least the side pain was gone. For now.

Hauling myself back up to the trail was gonna be interesting.

I'd slid down on my left side, so I felt around the slope with my right foot and managed to find enough solid rock that I could put my weight against it and not slide further down. I gingerly grabbed my gear to situate it better and it was only then that I'd noticed I was wet. _Where did that come from?_ I smelled my shirt – nothin'. Then my heart dropped when I realized the source – most of the water had spilled out of my canteen. _Son of a bitch…_ Cap it, save what's left.

I got the gear balanced, tried to ignore the pain to situate myself, rechecked everything. I brushed off the loose dirt from the rock, grabbed two hand-holds in the rock, gritting my teeth against the pain in my shredded palms, eyed the next foot support, bounced on my right leg for a tic, and then took a deep breath and, with aching limbs, _heaved _myself upwards...

**Johnny:**

_Flag here, flag there_

_Climb a hill everywhere_

Okay, I never said poetry was my strong suit. But it was either that and keep my concentration on finishing this thing or…chuck the whole thing and get back to my partner.

_Roy_…

I turned to look back, half-expecting to see him behind me. Man, I just…couldn't shake it; this sense I was having that I didn't like leaving him behind.

Which, as you can imagine, was pretty dumb. I mean, it's not like he was climbing the mountain and I was goin' back to camp and leaving him to fend for himself. And it's not like he was _injured_ and in need of a Stokes. He's a trained paramedic rescue firefighter, he knows how to take care of himself. Besides, all he was doin' was walking down a mountain for about twenty minutes.

But there was just something about this that I didn't like.

Took me a little longer to finish flagging the trail than I'd anticipated, mainly 'cause I didn't have Roy's extra pair of eyes to spot the flags. So many of them, especially at this far end of the trail, had completely faded out or they'd disappeared from view due to overgrowth or the branch they were tied to had grown out of the eye line or sometimes all three.

Alright, last flag and our commitment to Ranger Nyquist would be officially complete. I tied it off and transferred my pack of flags to my knapsack. This whole last trot took me the better part of an hour and I was more than ready to head back to the cabin. Chow was gonna be good tonight. Hell, even Chet's cooking woulda tasted fantastic after the hike, today. It'd been awhile since I'd had the chance to do this kind of hiking and it felt good, but exhausting.

I took a sip outta the canteen, got the rocks outta my shoes, repacked a few things in my gear and started down. Figured about a half hour to get to Roy and then we could head for home.

**Roy:**

I winced at the pain in my left leg and in my arms and shoulders and tried to breathe through it as I settled against the rock face. Sliding down on all that rock and loose dirt did a number on my leg and my whole left side. It looked like I was gonna have to haul myself up entirely on my right leg and with barely any water I was afraid my leg was gonna eventually cramp up with the exertion.

_Maybe we could make some kind of stretcher out of branches that we could tie to Johnny and he could drag me down the mountain 'cause I have a feeling it's gonna come to that. Assuming I ever make it back up…_

Exhale. Inhale. Go.

Grab another hand-hold, test the support of the rock under my foot, take a deep breath, bounce a little, grit teeth at bruised muscles flexing, _heave _up to the next foot support while involuntarily yelling in agony against the searing pain from the bleeding lacerations on my left side, step on rock, gingerly settle, rest.

Breathe.

Breathe…

_Johnny_…

My biggest concern was sliding back down and right into that pair of poodle-dog bushes. My training told me to look up and assess and calculate how much further I had to go, how long it'd take. My heart told me to ignore it and just concentrate on getting back up. I thought about calling Johnny on the HT, but without equipment or ropes, there wasn't much he could do. Besides, I didn't want to risk his falling off the edge and I needed both hands to cling to the rock face.

_Boy, how am I gonna explain this to Joanne…? Guess I won't have to if I plummet to my death._

Okay. Look for foot support: check. Grab hand-hold, test the support of the rock under my foot, bounce a little, take a deep breath, grit teeth, _heave _up to the next foot support, groan in agony against the searing pain, gingerly settle, rest.

Rest.

Breathe…

**Johnny:**

I heard it before I saw anything. A sound I'd never heard before. Like a… helicopter or something, but it wasn't loud and seemed to be kinda intermittent. And it seemed to be coming from up ahead of me.

The trail at that point was riddled with a lot of scraggly trees and tall, dry grass, tall enough in some areas to block the view of where the path was headed if you were at a curved point on the trail. I could hear that weird noise, but couldn't see the trail. Figured I was hearing echoes of copter activity in some part of the canyon or something.

I rounded a curve…and about went into sinus tachycardia. A black bear was right smack in the middle of the trail. Not only was it a black bear, but a _Momma_ black bear with two little ones and it was one of those little ones that was makin' that weird guttural helicopter sound.

_Shit._

Fortunately, with it being afternoon, the winds had shifted so I was downwind. But that was the only good thing. Ordinarily, black bears aren't all that dangerous and will leave – as I've been told, anyway – if humans are around. But I wasn't about to take chances with a Momma bear. Not up here without equipment, without guarantee of emergency support in a timely manner, any real first aid and with a partner who's not as mobile as he might otherwise be without blisters and side pain. I had the HT, but I figured I'd use it only if things got too hairy; I didn't want to unnecessarily startle her with my voice.

I watched 'em for a bit, hoping they were just passin' through. But Momma decided now was rest time for her and play time for the kiddies. Great. _This forest is the size of Texas and you decide to take a nap on _my_ trail? Ya couldn't have waited ten minutes until after I'd passed through?_

I found a spot where I could sit and watch 'em and still remain downwind and thought about ways of scarin' 'em off that didn't involve her charging at me.

**Roy:**

I had to wipe the sweat comin' down my forehead. My hat had gotten pretty smashed during the fall, but at least the string was tight enough around my neck that it hadn't gotten lost. Thankfully, it wasn't tight enough to strangle me, either.

I'd managed to haul myself up a bit more of the way with a few more heaves but my right leg was starting to shake with the exertion while the rest of me was feeling the effects of dehydration.

I really coulda used one of those oranges…

**Johnny:**

Momma Bear and the Goldilocks family still hadn't budged and didn't look like they were about to, either. They'd found a shady spot to keep out of the heat and the young uns were busy playing with each other and exploring, but they kept awful close to her, too. Figured they weren't too long outta the den, which probably would make Momma more defensive and more dangerous than if they were older.

It'd been nigh on twenty minutes already and I was worried Roy was gonna start wonderin' where I was pretty soon. If they stayed here much longer, I was gonna have to chance using the HT to contact him.

In the meantime, I was still trying to think of ways to scare 'em off that didn't involve maiming or death.

Namely mine.

**Roy:**

I finally chanced looking up to see how much farther I had to go. It didn't seem like I'd slid that far down, but I really wasn't sure – I was too busy trying to stop at the time.

From the looks of it, I only had another three or four heaves left to go. But my muscles were almost at their limit and after hiking up a mountain all day, so was I.

_Alright, you can do this. You've been in tougher spots than this. You fought a hurricane on a 90 degree cliff, remember? And that was with a vic and her evil hang glider that was out for blood._

_Namely mine, if I recall._

_But she didn't make it…_

_Don't think about that. C'mon, deep breath._ _Let's go_.

Next foot support: check. Grab hand-hold, bounce a little, take a deep breath, grit teeth, _heave_, groan in agony against the searing pain, gingerly settle settle settle, rest…

Rest.

Breathe…

I was close enough now to the top that I figured if Johnny was nearby he could help me up the rest of the way. Assuming he hadn't walked right by here on his way down to our lunch area. Never hurts to try.

I think I'll stop using that saying.

"Johnny!"

**Johnny:**

_Oh for crying out loud_…

Time to call Roy. Those three ain't plannin' on budgin' until I retire.

**Roy:**

I'd listened, but only the wind had answered.

I had to mentally revert back to those days working a couple of brush fires during my probie year. Some days you had no choice but to exceed your physical and mental limits. Up till then, I'd thought army basic training and the fire academy had been difficult, but those brush fires about did me in.

Deep breath, deep breath, _Dig deep, _deep breath, think of the kids…think of the kids…the kids…the kids…the kids…

_Heeeaaave_…_!_

Streeeetch…. Reach-reach-reach…grab-grab…lose footing…stuck… _shit_…strength fading…breathing …_I can't do this_…_Listen, you numbskull, if you think this last one was hard, try re-doing the whole climb again_…hands slipping…_no no no_… _Johnny!_ _Alright, alright, he's not here…He's not here…No no, don't think about that. Focus focus…I don't have the strength for this….Yes you do. Yes you do, now,_ _come on. C'mon on! You've got a wife and kids and a partner who's counting on you. So c'mon dammit! Heave!..._ _Heeeaaaave…!_

_Chris! Jenny!_

"Aaaauuuughh!"

I fell to the ground in a heap, every ounce of energy sapped from me as my gear fell on top of me and around me. My muscles were searing, the lacerations were throbbing and it was then that I remembered what'd gotten me down the embankment in the first place.

I imagined some mountain lion, which had chased the birds from the trees, earlier, was now sitting on the trail, tail patiently twitching, waiting to finish me off.

I honestly didn't have the energy to care.

**Johnny:**

"Roy?" I whispered into the HT as loud as I dared and with the gain all the way up. I'd backtracked up the trail a bit to stay out of earshot of Momma and her cubs. Now they'd ALL decided to take a nap by some rocks right near the trail to sleep through the hottest part of the day. I suppose if I coulda run like Flash, I might've been able to slip right past 'em. Like I said, though, I couldn't take that chance; not up here.

But not gettin' a hold of Roy was really makin' me worried. It was the third time I'd tried and was getting nothing. Either he had his HT off or his battery had run out. Frankly, I couldn't see either scenario working 'cause I know Roy, remember? In a situation like this he'd never leave his HT off, on purpose. So either it clicked off without him knowing or his battery died – another unlikely scenario 'cause we'd both just checked 'em.

Or…he'd gotten eaten by a mountain lion.

Though I guess that'd be kinda ironic, wouldn't it? He gets eaten by a mountain lion and I get eaten by a bear.

On the upside, that'd certainly…solve our problem, I guess…

**Roy:**

I must've fallen asleep because I imagine it's impossible to wake up without actually having been asleep, first.

I just didn't remember falling asleep, but the fact that I was waking up told me that I hadn't gotten eaten by the mountain lion. Yet. My physical assessment told me that I was in the same position as when I'd hauled myself back up to the trail but a great weight was sitting pretty awkwardly on my back, holding me down. _Fantastic_. The mountain lion is sitting on me in triumph of the prize catch that'll feed him for a week.

I listened, but there was no sound other than the usual sounds of birds, wind and the occasional bug whizzing past. No panting breathing of large feline predators or movement indicating the washing of paws or flicking of tails. I cautiously moved, heard a small rustling sound and the large thing slid off my back and onto the ground with a _ffflunk_. I about jumped three feet in the air from a prone position until I realized it was my own knapsack.

_Oh good grief_...

Roy DeSoto: This is Your Life as Sketch Comedy.

Once I'd gotten my nerves back under control, I looked around at the sideways world for a bit, ensuring that I really was topside, not about to careen down the embankment, again, and free from being an imminent mountain lion meal. With that established and with, as you can imagine, an enormous amount of grunting and groaning, I finally made it to a vertical position and took stock of everything.

I'd been asleep for about twenty minutes and Johnny wasn't here, which meant he was either still on his way back or he'd walked right past me.

"Johnny! Johnny!"

Nothin'. _Well that's not a good sign. No matter which way you slice it, he oughta be within earshot; the lunch spot isn't all _that_ far from here._

"Johnny!"

Still nothin'. _Where the hell is he?_

I grabbed the HT and depressed the speaker button…only to realize it wasn't on. _I know I left it on when Johnny and I split up_… Thumb the button to turn it on…and it was already in the 'on' position. _What the…?_ Realization sank my heart down to my toes. _Son of a bitch_…

Okay. Okay, the battery died. Can't do anything about it, so let's just…try to figure this out.

_Clearly, he'd've returned by now so odds are he walked right past me as I was trying to get back up. _

I gathered all the gear and with a hobbling gait, took off as fast as I could to the lunch area, knowing that Johnny would stay there until I arrived.

_If_ he was there.

**Johnny:**

_Shit. Shit. Shit! Roy, why the hell aren't you answering?_

'_I would never leave you, Roy. I would never do that.'_

Alright, time to stop playin' around here. My patience about had it. Momma and the kids were snoozin' slightly off the trail near some shaded rocks. I had to get out of there, but I just didn't want to chance moving by, scarin' Momma and have her chase after me.

I gathered all the small rocks I could find, set up camp where I could kinda see 'em and started launching a, well, very light and small attack, one tiny pebble at a time. Hardly the best idea and even pretty risky, but it was all I had. Figured if I could just get them to think that the nice shady spot was actually kind of annoying, they might move on, preferably, away from _me_.

**Roy:**

"Johnny!"

I hobbled, limped and nearly ran over to the lunch area…and no Johnny. Not only was my partner not there, but there was no sign that he'd even been there. _The problem is, barring any problems, there is no way he'd __not__ have been here, by now_.

_Now_ I was starting to get worried.

**Johnny:**

Launch…._clack!_

Launch…_clack!_

Grunt. Annoyed growl.

Launch…_clack!_

I saw a paw wave in the air and then it was down again.

_Oh for Pete's sake_. _Don't make me launch a full aerial assault_…

Launch…_clack!_

A sharp grunt. A nose came up, sniffing the air. I ducked. _Oh yeah, real swift there, Gage. Duck behind the bush so it can't smell you_. _Crying out loud_…

The nose was down again.

Launch…_clack!_

A small yip. _Uh oh_. Hope I didn't hit one of the cubs.

Launch…_clack!_ Nothin'. C'mon now! Don't tell me I got the most patient bear in all of Los Angeles?

Launch…_clack!_

Snuffly bear groan and no movement.

_Hell, we're gonna be here all day_…

**Roy:**

"Johnny! Johnny!"

Minutes of yelling up and down the trail yielded no sign of my partner. I equivocally assessed that he was nowhere within earshot.

A few other things crossed my mind, but I thought it best not to entertain any other notions, just yet.

First things first, assess provisions and tend to the wounds. I hunkered down to do just that and begin plans for a potential rescue operation.

**Johnny:**

Launch…_clack!_

There was a large groan – and I mean a large, pretty damned irritated groan - and then a paw went up, followed by a nose and Momma on her haunches lookin' around. I froze right then and there, convinced she was gonna sniff me out, charge full tilt and head-butt me right down the mountain.

I squatted down behind my bush and held my breath and watched and waited and tried to figure out whether I should launch another pebble or wait a little longer.

I saw Momma get up on her paws, step over to the trail and start sniffin'. _Oh, man. If she gets one whiff of me, I've had it._

She grunted and pawed the kiddies awake – I held my breath - and moved on down the mountain. Away from the trail. Where I could finally make my escape.

_Dynamite!_ I waited a few more minutes to really make sure they'd gone and launched a few more pebbles at the shady spot they'd just vacated just to convince her she'd made the right decision and then I took a chance and skedaddled the hell out of there to get to Roy.

**Roy:**

Well the good news was, I had water. The bad news was, I had about half a cup left and we still had about five or six miles ahead of us. Boy, I really coulda used those oranges, right about now.

Got the wounds cleaned out best I could and bandaged the worst of them and the two blisters. About all I could do now was wait and devise some kind of plan for going after Johnny if he didn't show up in the next half hour.

If he didn't show up…

'_I would never leave you, Roy. I would never do that.'_

_Johnny, where the hell are you?_

My muscles began to stiffen and cramp up so I hobbled up and down the trail a few times, calling out again. Still no answer.

'_Benjamin! Benjamin!'_

I peered as far up the trail as I could see. Nothin'. _Dammit, where could he be?_

_I got to the landing of the main stairwell. No sign of him. "Dunning! Dunning! All clear on the west wing! We've gotta get outta here! That ceiling's gonna go any minute! Dunning!" _

_Maybe he's not done checking all the apartments…_

_I fished my HT out of my pocket to check on Dunning's status, but heard cracking above me. I looked up. Too late! All I saw was white ceiling and red embers coming straight for me. I rolled out of the way, but debris clipped my arm. The HT! _

_I got up, clutching my arm, to see if the rest of the ceiling was gonna come down on top of me. _It seemed to be holding, so far. 110s called it right on the money…

_But access to the main stairwell was blocked, which meant it was also blocked for Dunning. I searched around for the HT, hoping it'd landed somewhere close by, but nothing. _Alright. Second-floor egress, it is_. If I could get to a window, I could alert them downstairs to tell Dunning the stairwell was inaccessible. I turned to head back to the apartments I'd already checked – _Son of a bitch_. The far west wing was already fully involved._

_And still no answer or word from Dunning._

_Then my alarm went off._

Oh, for the love o' Mike.._. _

_One last try… I whipped my mask off, hoping he'd hear me, "Dunning! Main stairwell is blocked! Dunning! You hear me? Dunning!"_

_I looked back down the far end of the wing. I couldn't wait any longer; she was coming awfully fast. I spun around to the one apartment I hadn't yet checked. Pull leg back – KICK! Regroup. __**KICK!**__ The apartment door flung back and out came the Dragon. In the span of about twenty lifetimes, She came at me, crimson reds and burning oranges, angry and blazing hotter than the sun. She reared up on her hind legs, towering over me in an effort to put me in my place. Puny, fragile human daring to defy Her - Her heat overwhelmed and enveloped me like a glove, Her appetite devoured the very air to get at me, Her immortal, destructive power lunged at me like a god's fist. _

_My desperate life in Her hands and She was about to eat me alive._

_Chris! Jenny! Joanne!_

_My life flashed in front of me, but it wasn't the past that came to mind. It was the future I'd hoped for and envisioned but disappeared like a flame retracting: the kids' birthdays, graduations, watching them grow, being a part of their lives, the weddings, the grandkids, my life with Joanne, my life in the fire department, just… my __life!__ My life that this Temptress was trying to ebb from me with Her evil fingers that one-by-one drew back in to Her outstretched hand…_

Johnny… Help me...

_Reflexes and training took over where my head had failed and I spun and ducked away from Her clutches. _ will not take me. You will not deprive my kids of a father, you will not make a widow of my wife, you will not deprive me of my kids. This is my life and I'll be damned if you take it from me.

_All she managed in Her roaring, hissing fury was to lick my face, Her heat and flames pressing like a brand, searing her vehemence upon my skin. She lay a mark on me in punishment for my defiance; a scarlet letter to remind me of my sins._

Now I'll never hear the end of it. Especially from Johnny.

My partner... I had to tell somebody and fast.

_I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and saw a coupla black helmets coming up on the main stairwell. _

_I cupped my hands over my mouth, "Hey! Over here!" _

_A piercing whistle split the air. "Roy? Is that you?" _

"Johnny? Johnny!"

Relief washed over me as I heard his voice, almost breathless, calling me from somewhere up the trail. I couldn't see him and with all this foliage I couldn't gauge where he was, but he sounded pretty far.

"Yeah, I'm comin'! Be there in a couple minutes! Just hang on!"

'_I would never leave you, Roy. I would never do that.'_

But Dunning did. That's exactly what he did. That sonofabitch, that's exactly what he did.

"_Roy! We're here!"_

_Marco was waving at me from the stairs while Chet was trying to clear the stairwell of debris. "Are you alright?" Marco yelled, hands cupped around his mouth. _

"_Yeah! Listen! Dunning may be trapped in the east wing!" I pointed._

"_No! He's not! He's downstairs!"_

_I blinked._ Downstairs? When did he go downstairs? I don't remember him telling me he was going downstairs…

_Marco continued. "He came down a few minutes ago. Told us you might still be up here." _

I might still be up here? What the hell is going through Dunning's head?

"_We tried to get you on the HT, but you didn't answer!"_

_I yelled back, "HT got lost!"_

_Marco waved back. "Okay! Hold tight, we're almost through!"_

_When we'd gotten downstairs, I got more of the story from Chet and Marco. My anger began to churn but I tried to hold off the boil until I'd gotten all the facts. I confronted Dunning about his side of the story. He made some flimsy excuse about Cap at 24s doing things differently and that he and his partner, Van Devere, worked independently, all of which I knew was a load of nonsense. I knew Cap Peters at 24s was a competent man and I knew Van Devere by reputation as a stickler for the rules. I firmly reminded Dunning about proper communications protocol and alerting one's partner to a change in plans and he shrugged me off like I'd told him my shoelaces were untied._

_Now, my anger was boiling. There I was, left thinking my partner was trapped in the building when in fact he'd simply left me there because he was tired and lazy and hadn't bothered to tell me he was leaving the floor. Adding fuel to my inferno was complete indifference to the fact that I about left my wife a widow to raise our kids by herself. He had no business being in the Department._

_I was seething. I was absolutely furious to a point I'd never experienced before. I was literally scared at how angry I was and I had no choice but to suppress it before I did some real damage. Mainly to my career after I'd finished pummeling Dunning to a pulp._

It's possible I'd just stumbled upon the point of origin.

"Roy? Roy! I'm almost there!"

I saw him come out of the turn in the trail. "Johnny! Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I was relieved about as much as I've ever been, but being relieved meant that everything was okay, which allowed my residual anger to come to the forefront. "Good. Now where the hell've you been!" I couldn't help it. My fury over Dunning had been uncorked and there was no stuffing the genie back into the bottle.

**Johnny:**

"Where've _I_ been? Shit, Roy! I've been tryin' to call you on the HT! Why the hell didn't you answer—?"

I entered the shady copse of trees where we'd had lunch at what seemed like three days ago. There he was, standin' there all dirty and unkempt with lacerations and bandages all over him and lookin' like he'd gotten into a fight with a badger.

All my anger just washed outta me, "What'n the hell _happened_ to you?"

"Nothing. Can we just get out of here?" He picked up his knapsack.

It took me a second to recover from seeing my partner in a state worse than when I'd left him. "Now, wait a minute! What the hell's all this? Are you alright?"

He put his knapsack on and practically growled at me through gritted teeth, "I'm fine. C'mon, let's go."

What the hell's gotten _into_ him? I stepped up to him, ready to inspect his injuries. "Hold it, Roy! Let me check you, first. Now…what'n the hell happened?"

He put a hand up to stop me. "I got it covered, Johnny. In case you hadn't noticed, I _am_ a paramedic. I know how to care of wounds. Now, if you don't mind, we've got about five or six miles to cover before darkness falls and I have a funny feeling we're not gonna make it. So let's get a move on, alright?"

"Hold on –"

He snapped at like I was the most inept boot he'd ever come across. "What?"

I had to wonder if aliens had snatched my partner and left me with some kind of a clone with a short-circuit. "Hey! Now, don't start givin' me attitude, Roy. If you're angry with me just tell me. I can take it. Better'n I can take this crap you're handing out."

His eyes flashed. "You done?"

Okay. Now he was startin' to piss me off. "Hey, I'm not kidding. If you're pissed at me, be pissed at me, but at least give me the courtesy of telling me why. Otherwise, I don't have much of a problem puttin' in for a transfer when we get back on shift."

He put his hands on his hips, sighed real deep and rubbed his forehead. "No, Johnny. I'm not mad at ya."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Let's do this later, okay?"

"Well that's not fair."

"What now?"

"Hey, enough with the attitude, Roy. Now you're the one who's been telling me to spit out whatever's been bugging me so we air all this out. So what's it gonna be? You gonna take your own advice or are you gonna be a hypocrite?"

**Roy:**

_Head, meet platter. _

He was right, there was no doubt about that. Like I said, the genie had been let out and I couldn't seem to put a stop to the flood of rage that was pouring out of me.

I had to concentrate _real hard_ at keeping my voice even. "I'm sorry, Johnny. It's not you, alright?"

He didn't say anything, but he looked kinda hurt.

"Look, I'm gonna need time to sort this out."

His expression of pure sympathy about broke my heart. "You sure you're okay?"

He was so genuinely concerned and it struck me so consciously at that moment how lucky I was to have a partner that cared so deeply. "No. Not really."

"You've got me worried, you know."

"Listen, let's do this later. We'd better move."

We filled each other in on our adventures and it helped distract me a little, but I couldn't ignore the rage over Dunning I'd unleashed and it hadn't really diminished much even when we finally got back to the cabin.

**Johnny:**

Oh man, I was beat! What a helluva day.

I checked Roy's injuries myself when we got back and made him shower to really irrigate the deepest lacerations. Man, he did a real job on his leg with that slide down the mountain. But while my silent and surly partner cleaned up, I unpacked our gear. I'd been as worried about Roy's dehydration as I was about his injuries and his state of mind. I guess that might explain why he was so combative when we finally hooked up at that lunch spot. Naturally, I gave him my canteen, but between us, it was barely adequate and we'd finished it up long before we got back down.

I started in on dinner to distract myself. Figured a coupla Gage Special hamburgers was in order.

Once Roy was out of the shower, I re-bandaged what he couldn't reach, and forced a glass of fresh water on him. I placed Marco's brother's portable TV on the coffee table and once the burgers were ready, we sat on the couch and watched the news.

I eyed him and hedged bringing it up. I bit into my burger, juices runnin' down my arm, "So, uh…you wanna tell me what happened? Up on that mountain?"

**Roy:**

The truth was, I wasn't ready to talk about it, yet. I was fuming all over again about what had happened that night with Dunning that I couldn't be rational about it. But Johnny was right, it wasn't fair that I'd gotten him talking and couldn't do the same. I guess that speaks volumes about how different we are. Johnny's an extrovert, he solves things by talking about it. Me, I introspect. I deal with things internally.

I took a deep breath before I bit into my burger, but I couldn't move to take a bite. I leaned back on the couch. "Dunning."

**Johnny:**

Now that was _not_ what I'd expected to hear.

I mean, the way he spat out Dunning's name… I've known Roy a long time and I can tell you that I have never known Roy to hate anybody. Annoyed at or frustrated by, maybe. But not hate.

So havin' him spew that jackasses name out like that was a shock in and of itself.

But…why _Dunning?_ I mean, I knew _why_ Dunning, in fact, when Roy'd told me about his fall off the embankment, Dunning was what came to mind but…

All this time, I thought he'd put the whole thing behind him. I remembered wondering, while Chet and Marco were givin' me the spiel, why Roy wasn't more pissed about it. I guess there really had been something going on with Roy about that whole thing that I never knew about.

**Roy:**

I put the burger down 'cause my appetite was suddenly gone.

I looked over at him and he'd stopped in mid-chew and slowly put his burger down. The look on is face about matched what I was feeling. "You mean that no-good, lazy-ass, son of a bitch from 24s Dunning?"

"Yeah…"

**Johnny:**

Now I understood his mood.

I felt my rage ramping up again about how he'd left my partner to die in that building while I was on vacation. I was pissed as hell at Dunning. I felt like I'd abandoned Roy when Chet and Marco gave me the lowdown and I felt that same way when Roy'd told me on the way down what'd happened when he fell off the trail while I was held up by Momma and her cubs.

_Shit. Shit shit shit!_

My mind was whirling with that whole damned thing and I couldn't stop it long enough to form a coherent thought. Dunning just has this effect on me that the minute he pops into my head, rage fills me instantly and makes me wanna head over to 24s to beat that jackass to a pulp.

"…_And in other news, the body of a young woman found in a concrete culvert in Carson, several days ago, has been positively identified as Melissa Taglieri…"_

**Roy:**

I had to leave. I couldn't watch it. The whole damn thing was made worse because it was the same culvert we'd rescued her from.

I went into the kitchen and Early's words came back to me, socking me in the gut - _"Like she'd been trash that someone discarded."_

**Johnny:**

He'd dashed off so fast… So damn tragic and unnecessary! It wouldn't let him go and he couldn't let go of her. I listened for a few minutes, but didn't hear anything coming from the kitchen. That made me a little worried, so I went in after him.

I slowly made my way in; I didn't want to startle him. He was standing at the counter with his back to me, head bowed a little. I was about to say something, but…something made me hold off a little. So I just watched him. There was a cup near his hand but he wasn't moving. He breathed in real deep and let out a few breaths. He sniffed a few times. _Ah, Roy_…

My heart was breaking. I needed to draw him out before what'd happened to Melissa shut him down.

I stepped closer to him and put my hand on his left arm. "Roy?" I whispered.

He turned his head and glanced at my hand, but he didn't move otherwise. I rubbed his arm, let him know I was here if he needed me. But I think that kinda pushed him over the edge. He put a hand up to his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. _Shit, Roy_…. In all the years I'd known him, I'd never seen him like that. I knew he was upset about Melissa, but there had to be something else going on and my guess was it had something to do with Dunning.

Not for the first time did I want to beat that son of a bitch to within an inch of his life.

I felt his body sag a little. _Oh no_… I turned him toward me a bit and reached to get my other arm around him; figured I'd steer him out the kitchen and onto the couch where he could sit down.

I heard the cup fall over; one of us musta knocked it down.

I felt his body trembling as I turned him then he leaned in and sagged against my left shoulder. _Aw, hell, Roy_…

I saw the cup on the counter start to roll toward the edge and I reached underneath Roy's arm to catch it…

I don't know who started it. I really don't.

Somehow…we each found the other. It'd shocked me, thought maybe I'd run into him or he'd run into me. We were both chapped from the hike and it physically felt kinda weird, but an intense feeling plunged down to my toes at the contact. Just a…feeling of love and caring, I guess; the magnitude of which I hadn't experienced before. Since we'd decided to let our feelings be our guide…I did... Gentle, at first. Then I felt the tears on his face and then they were on mine and I found myself wanting to steal them from him, everything they were, everything they were doing to him. I wanted them, instead, and I laid into him, deeper, coaxing them, drawing them out. I wanted them for myself, take every last drop, so I could take the fear that Dunning and Melissa had left in him and destroy the weight that'd settled between us. Inside both of us.

Neither of us could breathe, but I didn't care. I wanted - needed – to free him.

Us.

Me…

Suddenly, the pantry door was behind me and he bodily pressed against me and my mind was thrown back to that hang glider rescue on that cliff… '_On the other hand, a part of me…I had to be honest with myself…an incredibly selfish part of me, allowed myself to throw professionalism into all this wind and revel in how grateful I was to be able to hold him, finally. Keep him safe...'_

And then… he slipped away, like the whole thing'd been a dream. His body heat was gone, his weight was gone, he was gone. I turned toward the door and I was alone.

My body was shaking, trembling from the contact, the adrenaline…

I slid down to the floor and put my knees up. My mind and my body was in a limbo state, all gray and fuzzy and I couldn't even _begin_ to process what the hell'd just happened. Whatever that was.

I heard a weird sound. The cup was on the floor, rolling back and forth by the sink.

I laid my head back against the cabinet door.

_Shit_.


	15. Chapter 15

****My deep thanks **to **you, gentle readers, for ****your extraordinary patience. Most of all, gratitude in spades for the mountain of patience that is my beta reader. To her go any accolades this chapter may accrue. "Emergency!" characters belong to Universal. All original characters belong to me; this story nor its contents may not be used without my permission. Posted 5/16/13.****

* * *

><p><strong>Johnny:<strong>

…_thud_-thud, _thud_-thud, _thud_-thud, _thud_-thud…

…_C'mon, little more, little more_…

…huff, huff, breathe, breathe…

…_thud_-thud, _thud_-thud, _thud_-thud, _thud_-thud…

_Here we go, end point comin' up, so let's __push__ it. C'mon, Gage, pump it, __pump__ it! Faster, __faster__… Go, go, go, go, __go!_

"Aaaaaaahhhh!"

_FINISH!_

_Whew! Man! that felt good!_

Huff, huff, breathe, breathe…

Nothin' like a nice peaceful run in the morning. Clean air, no one else around but the birds and the bees—

Okay, we'll forget about all that for the moment.

Suffice to say, it was nice to get in a good run at dawn. I walked around outside for awhile, hands on my hips, trying to get air back into my lungs. I checked my watch – 27 minutes. Well, not exactly, seven minutes a mile, but a three-mile jog in clean air and peace and quiet while watching the sunrise was never a bad thing, no matter how long it took.

Certainly beat tossing and turning all night. For the second night in a row.

You know, we're not normally touchy-feely guys. Even after all the years together as partners, we don't do a whole lot of back-slapping. We rub shoulders all the time when we're workin' and on occasion, if the situation is dire enough, we might grab each other to make sure the other's okay. But, other than that, we don't go out of our way to touch each other. Not that we try to avoid it, either. I mean, it's not something we think about it. It happens when it happens and it doesn't when it doesn't. It's just how it is.

But I think since this whole thing started between us and us touching each other the way we had been over the last coupla months somehow created this…static build-up, this anticipation that all came out in the intensity of...what'd happened.

And man, it packed a wallop. Shocked the hell out of us both, I think.

In fact, I couldn't shake it; felt it all night…still felt it. Could still feel him right up against me, could still…feel him….

"…_Roy…?"_

I'd stopped outside his room after I'd sat on the kitchen floor for…I don't know how long. I knew it was stupid – not like I really expected him to come out and we'd hash it all out and pretend it was nothing more than that we'd bumped into each other.

Guess I was kinda hoping to avoid everything being awkward this morning. Maybe 'cause I wasn't sure what'd triggered it. After this whole thing about us not bein' queer and…that happens.

Though I had to admit, it wasn't just that it happened…it _happened!_ Right through my gut and down to my toes and left my whole body ringing like church bells at a wedding. I'd never felt that kinda thing so intensely, before. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had dates that ended a lot happier than that, if you get my drift. But they hadn't started out so…_deep._

I couldn't help but wonder…if he hadn't broken it off, how far would it have gone? I still had this warm feelin' snuggled in my chest. I liked it. A lot.

Made me pretty nervous about how we were gonna react to each other this morning.

I guess because…it kinda seemed for awhile there that…it might've gone farther than maybe we'd've thought possible. I mean, after all, _this whole thing_ between us had gone farther than we'd thought possible! And last night? Man, if that didn't prove it, nothing would.

I just couldn't stop thinkin', though…. What would've happened if…? I mean, I had to admit, a part of me was kinda hoping we could…you know…try again. But another part of me was just so…damned weirded out.

I suppose tossing and turning all night and standing around thinking about it all by myself wasn't getting me anywhere.

I went back inside and looked around cautiously, like I was expecting the ceiling to come down – no sign of Roy. _Whew_. Part of me was sad and part of me was relieved; I half-imagined we would start up where we'd left off, but I could also see us spending the day huggin' the walls of the cabin trying to avoid each other. If he was feelin' the way I still was, it was a toss-up which way it'd go.

I had a feeling, though, that we were close to solving this. I just wondered what the puzzle was gonna look like when everything was all said and done.

**Roy:**

_Transfer…transfer…_

_That's what I'll do. I'll put in for a transfer. I've gotta figure a reason to give Cap, though. Y'know, a good reason. Some kind of…decent…reason…._

_And Joanne. I've gotta come up with a reason to tell Joanne._

_And the kids. I'd need to request the transfer to a station within the same school district. The kids like their school, they like their teachers. _We_ like their teachers. Don't want to hafta pull them outta school just because…_

_I mean, they shouldn't have to pay for their father's…_

_Oh boy…_

_Cap, though. I've gotta think of a…oh yeah, I considered that already. _

_Okay, so Cap, first. Well, no, I should tell Joanne. _

_Yeah, Joanne first, dummy. Okay, Joanne, first, and then Cap. Or should I tell Joanne_ and _the kids, and then Cap?_

_Joanne, Joanne, oh man, Joanne's gonna go ballistic on me if I get transferred out of the kids' school district. What am I gonna tell her? I guess I'll just tell her that we couldn't work things out between us. 'Course then she'll wonder why and I have no real good answer for her._

_Maybe I'll tell her he shoved me down the mountain. At least maybe that'll explain the lacerations and provide compelling evidence that we can't work together, anymore._

Which would hardly be that far from the truth.

_But it would start a whole series of lies, wouldn't it? Exactly the kind of thing Johnny'd talked about._

_What I wouldn't give for a mountain lion, right about now..._

I'd spent the entire night tossing and - well, I couldn't turn a whole lot, so I settled for punching my pillow - over what'd happened in the kitchen.

I'd heard the knock on my door, heard his voice. I'd thought about just confronting him and…explaining things. Don't get me wrong, I had no idea who'd started it or how it'd happened, really. But while I know I should've explained why I left so abruptly, a part of me was still reeling from it all and I needed time alone to deal with it.

Mostly 'cause I was afraid something might happen if I'd opened up that door…

Back when I'd finished rescue training, my partner, Ray Decambra – yeah, you can imagine the teasing we endured on account of our names – was on his way to being promoted to engineer while I was just starting out. We were on a run and a live wire came down and zapped the puddle he'd been standing in. He went up. His boots stayed in the puddle. He was okay, in the end, and went on to become captain, eventually.

What'd happened to me last night with Johnny was about what'd happened with Ray and that live wire. Threw me for one helluva loop. So much so, that…I had to end it or regret anything that might've come next 'cause I had a feeling things could've gotten out of hand. I'm not sure how it would've manifested but neither of us could really afford to find out. Things were complicated enough, as it was.

Damn it.

One…_tiny_ move, one _negligible_ mis-step and we were back at Square One. And the worst part was, I didn't know who to blame, him or me.

Because I wasn't sure why it'd happened, in the first place.

One small move and I was back on that cliff, feeling it all again…

…_feeling_…

Alright. Alright… We've gotta figure this out because we're running out of time and there's no way we can afford to have that happen again. Of all the Mistakes that plagued this whole thing since the beginning, I think that one last night blew the roof off the rest. Or maybe it was on par with No. 4 with that hang glider at Holy Crap Ascent. Boy, if anything had ever been aptly named…

I think I managed to narrow the point of origin to Dunning. I had a feeling part of this whole thing between Johnny and me stemmed from that, from how incensed I'd been about his cavalier attitude toward established rules and procedures, the job, and me, in particular.

No, there was more to it than that.

_But…what? What am I feeling, exactly? _

_Am I angry about what happened last night? _

I was almost afraid to ask myself that question, considering what I'd done about Dunning. But I wasn't angry. Or maybe I was. Angry with myself for...for what? _Allowing_ it to happen? Allowing myself to get…caught up in it?

_I was vaguely aware of a sound; I guess the cup had fallen over. Saw and felt Johnny reach under my arm to catch it…_

I guess what'd happened with Johnny in the kitchen was inevitable, considering how things had been between us these last coupla months. But there was something about it, something different. I mean, yeah, of course it was different between Joanne and Johnny all the way around. But last night…there was something else, too. Like we were reaching out to each other, somehow. But why was the question.

It was gonna take some time for me to process it and deal with this sense of dread that'd settled over me.

The odors from the kitchen had awakened me. A comforting, pleasant smell that became my escape from the gut-wrenching dread and leaden anxiety of the dreams that had gripped me in the fifteen minutes of slumber I'd managed all night; dark visions of being buried in a ceiling collapse as I'd tried to get to Melissa…and then turning to see my family leaving me behind…

I had awakened groggy, thick-headed with sleep, and full of the kind of anxiety that sticks to you like peanut butter.

I'd considered staying in bed all day, closing the blinds and hunkering down under the covers to hide – chalk it up to injuries sustained from an uncontrolled descent down a steep decline.

Yeah, I knew he wasn't going to fall for it, either.

I guess the real reason was because I wasn't sure how we were gonna relate to each other. Not to mention…how he might've taken my abrupt departure. He might be upset or relieved, I had no real way of knowing and I wasn't entirely up to finding out. But I was gonna have to. Like I said, time was running out and we'd flown backwards right past Square One in spectacular fashion.

We had a lot of ground to cover if we were gonna solve this in the day and a half we had left. Despite, I would imagine, neither one of us wanting to confront the other this morning, it was gonna have to happen, sooner or later. Might as well be sooner and get it over with.

First things first, though. If I could manage to get my aching muscles and injured body out of bed, I might be able to get to the latrine. Then I guess I'd have no choice but to confront the inevitable.

**Johnny:**

I had everything about ready, which was a bit of a feat considering I'd showered and then fallen asleep on the couch. Half-expected to see him hovering over me when I awoke again, but either he'd gone back to hiding the moment he saw me or he hadn' t gotten up yet. Figured I'd try to get as much done as I could before we confronted each other but I quietly just zipped through and he still hadn't gotten up. The hardest part was ensuring everything would keep since I had no idea how long it was gonna be. It was already pretty late; of course, he might've been up all night, too. But bladders and tummies don't like to be kept waitin' for long, so I knew he'd have to come out of his room, sometime.

I checked the oven and things looked okay. I took a sip of water and set the cup down on the counter. I don't have to tell you where my thoughts went to after that…

…'_I slid down to the floor and put my knees up. My mind and my body was in a limbo state, all gray and fuzzy and I couldn't even __begin__ to process what the hell'd just happened. Whatever that was…__'_

I took another gulp of water…

'…_Gentle, at first__…__'_

It hadn't been my intention to do that when I walked in there. But when I saw him standing at the counter like that lookin' so…_alone_, something in me just broke apart. The vision of him dangling off that cliff was superimposed with that vision of loneliness of him just standin' there.

It'd suddenly felt like he was walkin' away from me and I needed to anchor him, keep him where he was so he didn't leave me behind.

_Huh. Somethin' about that_…

The more I thought about it, the more worried I got about that whole thing. Not worried, exactly, but… _Hell, I don't know what the word is_. It wasn't necessarily what'd…physically happened, but emotionally what'd happened, the intensity of it, I guess, that had my mind racing.

Something had triggered something pretty damn serious in both of us for us to have…done that. I mean, everything that had lead up to it was a part of it, but that couldn't have been the only factor, the only reason why we reacted so strongly, why it'd…been so intense.

And why it'd felt like I had to keep him grounded.

**Roy:**

I cautiously padded, or limped, rather, into the living room and looked around, like I was checking for a burglar; I was just real nervous about how this was gonna go between us this morning. There was no sign of my partner, which jacked up my anxiety, but I did see what he'd apparently been up to, all morning.

The 2-person dining table was set and laid out with bacon, a bowl each of grapes, a couple of those missing oranges, the bananas I'd brought, and orange juice.

Which meant he was most likely in the kitchen.

Of all places.

Leave it to my partner to make things more complicated.

I felt a warm sensation run through me at the memory of last night and wondered how I was going to react at seeing him.

And how he was going to react to me.

I considered the table and my nervousness transmuted into worry. I knew he'd been into the bacon, I mean, you can smell the stuff a mile away. But I could tell he'd been cooking up a whole buffet if the scent of muffins was any indication.

Suddenly I wondered whether we'd each taken a different tack on what'd happened the night before.

This could turn out to be worse than I thought.

**Johnny:**

Figured I'd start in on the coffee. Even if he didn't want any, _I_ certainly did. Hell, I'd already had two muffins waitin' for him to get up 'cause I was starving. Decided to spoon out eight cups just in case we were gonna need a full load. _Hell, if we'd had a bigger pot, woulda just done a full twelve_—

"Mornin'. Well, what there is left of it, anyway."

Roy's voice, real soft from the doorway about _sc_ared me half to death and I spun around 'cause I was so surprised I nearly dropped the coffee tin. _Shit. Smooth, Gage, real smooth._

My partner was standing at the door in his sleeping shorts and a brown shirt and that warm feeling that'd been snuggled in my chest since last night got all excited again. "Mornin'," I replied back, trying to sound cheerful, but not enthusiastic, if you get my drift. _Well at least he wasn't comin' at me with a kitchen knife. That's a good sign, I guess._

He just kinda stood there, hunched over a bit, lookin' kinda sleepy. "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare ya."

"Uh…no, no. Just, uh, just kinda—I didn't—you're just quiet, is all."

"Looks like you've, uh, had yourself quite a morning," Roy observed, rubbing his eyes and thumbing out toward the living room.

"Yeah…" I cleared my throat, still feeling nervous. "Uh, well, you know, I was, I had, uh, I went, um, I went runnin' this morning. It was nice, it was real, uh, real nice, but, uh, you know how it is. I got, uh, I was starvin' when I got back and, I dunno, I guess I was struck by the chef bug, figured I'd make both of us a nice big breakfast. That is, uh, only if you're hungry. I mean, I don't want you to feel like you have to eat or nothin', but of course if you're hungry you should eat something. I mean, I dunno, maybe you're _not_ hungry, although, considering neither of us ate much last night –" _Oh that was real swell, Gage, real swell. Shit…_ His eyes had dropped to the floor and I about stuck my head in the blender. "But, uh, now that you're up, I can make you some eggs, if you want."

**Roy:**

It was clear I had to be the one to get the ball rolling. "Johnny."

He stopped short at the look on my face. His shoulders sagged and he looked like he was bracing himself for the worst news while he stared at the floor.

"Are you angry?"

Johnny snapped his head up at me a bit wide-eyed, his hand at his chest, "No. I'm…_I'm_ not." Cautiously, "Are you saying…y'are?"

I hesitated a little, searching my own feelings about it. "No. No, I'm not angry."

**Johnny:**

"Okay…" _Whew! Okay. That's good. He wasn't mad. But that still didn't mean he was __happy__ about it_. "Are you…not-mad about it?"

**Roy:**

I wasn't sure how to translate that into English. "No Johnny, I just said, I'm not angry about it."

"No, that's not what I meant. I meant, are you…" He squirmed against the counter. "That is…. What I, what I mean is… Shit," he muttered and settled one leg against the counter with his shoulders down.

"You're asking if I regret it, is that it?"

He rubbed his nose and flicked me a quick look before turning back to the stove and starting in on the eggs, "Yeah. That."

I guess it really depended on the aftermath of all this. "I don't know, yet."

**Johnny:**

Well that didn't make any sense. "Well...if you're not _happy_ about it, that must mean you're angry about it. Or you at least hate me or blame me or something."

"I told you, I'm not angry and I don't blame you and I don't hate you."

I turned back to him, "Roy—"

"Johnny, look, it takes two to tango. Considering how it's been  
>between us the past couple of months, I guess it was inevitable, but only time will tell what the ramifications of all this is gonna be. But <em>I<em> need to know…do _you_ regret it?"

**Roy:  
><strong>

He grabbed another egg and bounced it over the side of the pan, thinking. "I guess I don't know yet, either," he muttered.

He finally cracked the egg but we both stood there, not quite knowing what to say next. "Roy, look, this is ridiculous. We're best friends, we're partners. We—"

"Are we something else, now, too?"

He shrugged. "Only if you want to be. I mean, that's really kind of a loaded question, isn't it?"

_To put it mildly_. "Yeah…"

"Look, Roy…something…happened to us last night. And…well, for me anyway, it was pretty special. But it doesn't mean it has to go…beyond that if…if you don't want it to."

"Well, why is the impetus on me? This affects you, too, you know."

"No, I know that. But you've got more at stake. And _I'm_ certainly not in any position to dictate how you should decide. Nor do I want to be. But…I will tell you one thing. However you decide, I just want you to know, I'm not angry about it or nothin'. I'm not sure _what_ I am, but I'm not…I'm not angry, if that's what you might've been worried about."

"I _was_ worried about it. Worried about a lot of things."

"Yeah. Makes two of us." He stared at the frying pan. "Shit. I just made a bunch of eggs with no idea who they're for or even if either of us wanted 'em like this."

I felt the electricity between us as I stepped next to him and saw three eggs sunny-side up in the pan. "I'll take those if you don't want 'em."

He shook his head and grabbed a plate. "Man, I can't believe I just did that. My head's somewhere else."

"Makes two of us."

He nodded in sympathy, seasoned the eggs and shook his head at himself as he handed me my plate.

Maybe there was hope in getting this figured out between us.

Johnny finished with his eggs, brought the muffins out and we settled in to the buffet my bachelor partner suspiciously spent all morning cooking.

"This is real good, Johnny."

"Thanks." He flicked nervous eyes up at me and continued digging a hole into his plate.

I grabbed a blueberry muffin. "You get these at Tandy's?"

"Yeah. I just put 'em in the oven to warm 'em up. You know."

"Yeah. Somehow, being up here in the mountains makes them taste better."

Okay, I knew that was a stupid thing to say but I was feeling a little nervous. Small talk has never been my strong suit.

"Yeah," he forced a smile. "Yeah, that it does." He cleared his throat and stared at his plate, like he couldn't decide what to eat next, his finger jackhammering the table. He finally shielded his face with one hand and sat there, rubbing his face a little.

"Okay, I'll bite. What's eating at ya?"

**Johnny:**

I couldn't figure out if he was denying it or wondering what page I was on. I looked him square in the eye. "Roy. Don't tell me you're not still thinking about it. That you're not still feeling it."

He stared at me for a few moments with an incredibly intense expression and then he leaned back and looked at his plate. "I am," he breathed, eyebrows spiking in resignation, fingers absently playing with the butt of his fork.

My mind, everything I felt was still wrapped up in last night…

I had to cover my eyes 'cause I couldn't look at him. I just felt…like I was being pulled toward him and I wasn't sure why. Alright, that wasn't entirely true. I _knew_ why, I just didn't…_understand_ why.

He was….a part of me just wanted to… _Shit!_ I couldn't bring myself to say it much less think it. But I sure as hell couldn't stop _feeling_ it. _How the __fuck__ did we get ourselves into this?_

"Johnny, are you all right? Johnny…" I felt him lightly touch my arm and I yanked it back like he'd been a hot iron. "Don't. Roy. Just…don't." I put my head in my hands and tried like hell to keep myself together.

"What's gotten into you all of a sudden—"

I abruptly stood up; the chair scraped real loud against the wooden floor and it kinda startled me. "I gotta get outta here."

I was out the door in a flash and if I could've, I'd've kept goin' till I got home.

**~!~**

**Roy:**

I found him, finally, standing at the edge of the stream we'd found on our first day here, throwing rocks into the water. I'd taken my time finishing breakfast then put his food in the oven to keep warm and changed clothes before going out to look for him. I'd hoped that would have provided enough time for him to cool down. I remained on the path and just watched him for a while trying to gauge his mood. "You want some company or you wanna sulk all by yourself?"

He quickly turned at my voice, assessed me for several moments looking like he was about to say something, and then he turned back and whipped another rock across the stream. It skipped about five or six times and then disappeared below. "I've made a decision, Roy."

"Yeah?"

He skipped another rock across the mirrored surface. "I'm puttin' in for a transfer the minute we get back."

_Are we back to this? _I felt myself getting hot under the collar; I was getting tired of having to haul him back when he ran off. If this wasn't worth his time to figure out, then there was no point in me wasting mine. "Alright. What reason do you plan on giving?"

He shrugged and sent another rock to skip across the water. "We've all been at 51s for a long time, Roy. I think the chief would understand if I wanted a change to help advance my career."

_Uh huh._ "And you think that's really gonna solve things?"

"If we're not around each other, it'll solve things plenty, don't you think?"

My anger ramped up. _My selfish son of a bitch partner. No, make that ex-partner.._. "Fine. You do that." I started to leave, but my fury demanded to be heard and I turned on him. "You selfish bastard."

He whipped his head at me in surprise and anger flashed in his eyes. "What did you call me?"

"You heard me. You're a selfish bastard, Johnny. A real coward. You're no better than Dunning. I only wish I'd noticed it a lot sooner." I headed back to the cabin to pack my gear.

"Hold on!" He scrambled up from the embankment and grabbed my arm to stop me. "Where the hell do you get off calling _me_ selfish! You think I'm puttin' in for a transfer just for _my_ sake? I'm doin' this for _both_ of our sakes, Roy, _not_ just mine! How dare you just assume I would—"

"And how dare you drag me out here for four days just so you can hide in the sand! I could've been with my _wife_, Johnny. My _wife_ and my _kids!_ I chose you over my family because I thought it was important enough to them, to me and to you, to take the time to work this out. But obviously I made the biggest mistake in believing you thought our friendship and working relationship was important enough to work out."

"I never said it wasn't important."

"That's not the picture I'm getting right now."

He growled and spun away from me and kicked the dirt. He put his hands on his head and walked in circles and finally yelled to the air, "I don't know how else to _fix_ this, Roy!"

"No one said you had to fix it alone, Johnny. Look, I know you're upset about something. But I can't help you if you don't let me in on it."

He rubbed his nose and toed the dirt. "Yeah, I know. You're right. I'm sorry," he absently waved.

"I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to tell me what's on your mind. What scared you so badly this morning that you just up and left?" Not unlike what I'd done the night before, I suppose. In that respect, I guess we were even.

"I think I'm just… I don't know how to handle this. It's kinda throwing me, you know?" His expression turned to one of anger and confusion and I could see tears welling.

I spun him back to the stream and plunked him down on one rock while I sat at the other. We sat knee to knee and I looked straight at him. "Would you talk to me? Please. I wanna help you but I can't do that unless you tell me what's going on."

He was quiet for a long time while he scratched two rocks together. "You think it'll happen again?"

"The plain and simple truth is that it _can't_ happen again."

"That's not what I'm askin' you."

I studied him. "Unless we get to the bottom of what this is between us…I think the potential for it will still be there."

He absently threw the rocks away, rubbed his face and sighed deeply. "Fuck, Roy. I just feel so…fucking…_girly_."

_Ladies and gentlemen, my partner and his stereotypical presumptions_.

His face scrunched up in irritation. "What are you laughing at?"

"What exactly do you find so 'girly' about this?"

He absently waved about. "Just…all this…_feeling_ stuff."

"You don't have feelings?"

"_I_ have feelings! _Of course_ I have feelings!"

"Then what's the problem?"

"Roy. Men just _have _feelings. _Women_ are the ones who— Look, do you and Joanne ever have these kinds of conversations?"

"Not all the time, no. But sometimes, yeah."

"You guys sit around and talk about your feelings?"

"Sure. It didn't happen overnight. I mean, it's taken time for that to happen, but yeah, we talk about 'em."

"Yeah, and I'll bet she started it, too."

"Not sure if I really recall that, but, possibly, yeah."

"See? And that's what I'm saying, Roy. _Girls_ do this kinda nonsense. We're not girls. We don't…do this kinda shit."

Sometimes my partner confuses me. Most of the time, he baffles me completely. "Then do you mind telling me how it came to be _your_ idea that we should stay here for four days to do what we're doing?"

He looked at me with a shy expression.

"You done getting all that outta your system?"

He sniffed and rubbed his nose, flashed a half-smile and kept his head down.

"Are you ready to tell me what the real problem is?"

He played with his fingernails. "You want the truth?"

"Considering the revelations of the past coupla days, nothing would surprise me, if that's what you're worried about."

Johnny quickly glanced at me with a glint in his eye before he looked away. "I'm still buzzing from that kitchen fire we set last night."

_Buzzing, trembling and about shaking out of my boots_. "Yeah. Me too."

He was silent for a while. "Can I ask you some'in'?"

"Yeah."

"Can I ask what…made you just…up and leave?"

Well, there it was. I'd been a little afraid that he'd ask the question, but I was also relieved he had. Figured it'd come up sooner or later and I'd rather it'd have been here and not at the station. "I guess I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"Afraid of it…leading to something else. Of the consequences. Of you being angry. Of myself. It was kinda a whole lotta things, really."

He looked straight at me. "I wasn't angry. I was confused as hell, I _will_ admit. But I wasn't angry. Not about what happened, anyway."

He went silent again and I wondered if he was satisfied with his delaying tactics or was trying to come up with new questions. Even though our time was running out, I let him work through it at his own pace. I was worried that if I pressed him too hard, he'd submerge and it'd take twice as much work to haul him back up again. I didn't want to risk that happening. We were so close now, I could feel it.

The sound of the water and the birds filled the silence as Johnny's emotions settled on his features. He shifted on the rock to face away from me, his head down and his elbows on his knees. "Something happened to me, Roy. Whatever it was that happened last night…woke something in me that I didn't….Shit, I can't do this—"

I held his arm. "Johnny…."

**Johnny:**

"No, I mean, I gotta get off this thing." I had to get up off the rock 'cause I was kinda sore from the hike and then the run this morning.

It was hopeless. I couldn't be near him 'cause everything was just makin' me feel heady. I guess we were gonna have to solve this standin' across the cabin, after all…

I helped him up then quickly started for the path, but he gently grabbed my right arm with his own to stop me as I tried to get around him. "Johnny, I need you to quit stalling. Tell me what's on your mind."

That physicality, bein' that close to him in the state I was in – that I think we were both in – just ramped up everything inside of me.

I curled around him, unable to get away from him 'cause he was holdin' me fast. I clenched his shirt in my fist as our arms intertwined and I settled my head against his right shoulder, _needing_ to be close to him, to feel him. "Dammit, Roy, I can't…."

"Tell me," he pleaded real soft.

All I could do was breathe into his shirt for awhile until I could get my voice under control. "I can't stop….feeling like I…"

'…_On the other hand, a part of me…I had to be honest with myself…an incredibly selfish part of me, allowed myself to throw professionalism into all this wind and revel in how grateful I was to be able to hold him, finally. Keep him safe. I didn't move for a few moments, my hand gently keepin' his head against mine as the tornado howled like hell-fury around us…'_

"…I wanna hold you."

**Roy:**

My breath caught as his hand unexpectedly trailed lightly across my hip as he moved around me and he ambled almost directionless back toward the cabin. I had to steady myself against the weakening feeling that plunged through me in the wake of his touch. We were quickly sliding backwards and the worst part was, it was getting a lot harder to fight.

But I had to.

I finally saw him up ahead as he reached the cabin. "Johnny? Talk to me. Why're you feeling—?"

"I don't _know_, dammit!" he growled, arms waving angrily. He slowed his climb up the porch steps and then, defeated, he turned and plunked himself down as if weary from a day's march.

He smacked the railing with his fist out of sheer frustration and his face twisted into agony as he shook his hand.

I started up the steps after him but he held up his hand. "Don't—! Roy… Just…don't."

I backed off to the bottom step and watched him shake off the pain and then lean against the railing to hide his face with his other hand, his throaty breathing rhythmic and deep.

Whatever it was that happened last night had catapulted our relationship to a whole different tier and shook the foundation of our friendship almost completely off its hinges. I guess the only hope we had of putting it back was to return to where this whole thing began to derail.

But we both needed some time to sift through the wreckage.

So I stood at the bottom of the steps and leaned against the end of the crude wooden railing to simply wait. Wait for him to work through this; for the ice to break between us. My blisters eventually made their presence known again and I cautiously climbed the steps and sat across from him. I think we each felt the need to be together but couldn't risk being any closer.

"Shit, I'm starving."

I looked over at him. "You barely ate anything. I put your food in the oven."

"Thanks." He got up and went inside and I listened to the sounds of his rummaging. After a while he finally came back out and handed me a soda.

"Thanks."

We sat in silence for a long time again.

"Roy?"

_The ice crack cometh._ "Yeah."

"You think it's the…thrill of the chase or do you think we're _honestly_ hoping that this'll…turn into something more….settled?"

He was talking again. Now we can get back on track. "But, what're we chasing, exactly? Considering the consequences and our own admission yesterday, I'm not so sure I see any real future, despite the fact that…serious feelings may be involved."

"_May_ be involved?"

"Alright, there are. But I think, in light of everything, there's something else going on that's underlying this whole thing and we have to get to the bottom of it or it's gonna keep dragging us along."

He rubbed his face and threw me a weary expression, his voice thick with emotion. "Well, I'm open to suggestions, 'cause quite frankly Roy, I'm tired of tryin' to understand this and havin' it bite us in the ass."

**Johnny:**

I looked over at him when he didn't answer. He was starin' out to the trees and I could see the wheels turning in his head as he was thinking. Shit, he looked so tired. My heart went out to him, "How much sleep did you get last night?"

He threw a double-take at me, surprised at the off-topic question. Or maybe awakened by it, I wasn't sure which. "A lot. All…fifteen minutes of it."

I couldn't help but smile at my partner's sarcasm. I got up and stepped over to him. "You want to get some sleep first?" He looked up at me with an unreadable expression and I had a bit of a heart attack and couldn't help but laugh. "Sorry. Wasn't an invitation."

"S'okay. I didn't take it as one." He rubbed his face. "To answer your question, no. If I sleep now, I won't wake up until tomorrow morning. I _do _think we need to go through the rations and determine what we need to use by tomorrow."

"Are you serious?"

"Well," he rubbed his eyes. "All the moving around will keep me awake. Besides, I don't mind being domestic for a while. The return to the real world won't seem so jarring."

"Well let's get to it, then. I feel like I'm gonna need time to…don gear before we head in. Well, hell, that came out wrong."

I offered a hand and hauled him up, but his foot slipped off the step and he started to stumble down and take me with him. "Whoa, whoa! Roy…!" Somehow, I managed to keep my balance long enough to get an arm around the other side of him and after a few hopping steps I grabbed the railing and about felt his full weight as I kept both of us from falling.

We kinda remained motionless like that for a minute, trying to get our bearings; me behind him with my arms practically around him while he was leaning into me and holding himself up with one hand grasping the railing. "Roy? You alright?"

**Roy:**

_You mean aside from feeling like the biggest klutz of the year? _"Yeah…"

I'd slipped off the stair, landed on a blister and that threw me completely off-balance and started the avalanche. It wasn't until that moment that I'd realized I'd kept hold of his other hand and now had it stretched across me. I felt a slight squeeze and heard him let out a breath and relax against me, a little.

A warmth and a weight settled in me and I wondered if he could feel me trembling. _Oh man_. "Johnny…" I whispered. _We can't do this._ _Much as…dammit…much as…_

His hold finally relaxed and as he moved away, I was back on the cliff again…

'…_As Johnny released me into the arms of our brothers topside, it seemed as if something warm was ebbing away from me and I felt icy cold…'_

His hand slid off my shoulder and he trudged over to the end of the porch.

We were going from bad to worse. We had to get to the bottom of this before something either drove us together or drove us apart.

I watched him, then rocked and hauled myself up and slowly walked over to stand next to him.

He was facing out toward where his Rover was parked, elbows on the rail. He didn't move but remained silent for a bit. "It's gettin' worse, Roy," he whispered. "And don't tell me you don't feel it." His voice was low and echoed the regret and sadness that had stayed with me when he'd moved away from me.

"Yeah…"

"We're riding high and I don't see any way for us to get down that isn't gonna land us and lot of other people in a world of hurt."

"I think there's going to be a lot of hurt no matter how this shakes out."

"So what do we do?"

There was only one thing _to_ do. "We start from the beginning."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"We don't have a choice but to make it work."

"Well, we _have_ a lot of choices. The question is, which choice can we live with."

_You said it, partner_. "Yeah." I'd remembered Ranger Nyquist mentioning a lookout area that the rangers use that overlooked the canyon. I eyed the sky. "It's a nice day. C'mon, let's take a walk."

He lightly grabbed hold of my fingers to stop me as I started toward the steps. "Blisters ain't gonna bother you?"

**Johnny:**

My fingers slipped from his as he lifted a foot and looked at it. "Long as I don't overdo it."

The sunlight was shining, the breeze was blowing and the birds were chirping in the nice, fresh mountain air. We headed down the trail that went past the Rover and along the other part of the forest and it was nice to just walk together.

Roy picked up some pebbles and just tossed them one-by-one along the path as we ambled past the oaks.

I'd felt him after he'd stumbled down the steps. Felt him trembling in my arms, his breathing shallow. I think maybe that's what'd escalated everything inside of me 'cause I could tell he was feelin' it, too.

'…_You think it'll happen again?"_

"_The plain and simple truth is that it _can't_ happen again…'_

But it almost did, Roy, and the thing is, neither of us tried to stop what happened, in the first place. That means one thing, in my book.

"Roy, did you…did you _want it_ to happen? I mean, were you…kinda hoping, somewhere along the way, that it would?"

He was quiet for awhile.

**Roy:**

"It was never a conscious thought." And then a terrible feeling hit me and I worried that I'd taken what'd happened last night a little too lightly. "Were you hoping for that to…turn out differently, Johnny?"

I don't think I'd ever seen him look so surprised and his hand flew to his chest. "No! No, I…_I_ wasn't hoping. Were you?"

"No… Then again, I'm not sure _what_ we were hoping for."

"Whaddya mean?"

"I'm not sure, yet."

Maybe it was just an extension of the last coupla months, but it occurred to me as we headed for the scenic lookout that we hadn't flinched from what'd happened last night. Then again, that was a whole lot different than what we'd been doing. But when you put it all together, there was no getting around it: _We hadn't run from it_. Much as neither of us would want to admit it that had to account for something.

So why didn't we run from it? Instead we…kept going. As if…we'd _needed_ to? Maybe that wasn't quite right.

It was obvious that what'd been going on between us these last few months had found another expression beyond just…touching one another. But last night, it seemed…more than that. As if we'd been aiming for it.

We were looking for something, yet I wasn't convinced whether we'd actually found it.

Still…

How things could possibly return to the way they were seemed impossible, now. We were barely keeping our heads above water and sinking, fast. Unless we found a way to reestablish the foundation between us awfully quick, the riptide from last night was going to wash us right out to sea.

**Johnny:**

Wished we hadn't let this thing between us go on for so long. Though I guess it's not like we were deliberately doin' that. Then again, maybe we were. We allowed it because we liked it. I mean, I know _I_ did. But I guess, too, we'd been trying to figure it out on our own and wondering if it was mutual and I guess once we figured that, we had to keep goin' to figure out what this was.

But now we were in this over our heads with only one option left. Then again, maybe it was always the only option and what we'd been hedging toward all this time. I suppose it's like emergency medicine. You do what you can with what you know until you get more information then you change the procedure.

We could only hope this was gonna work.

I looked up to the few clouds floatin' all lazy in the blue sky, felt the breeze blow by, heard the birdsong in the tall, green trees and the whispery swish of our footsteps in the grass. Felt the comfortable stillness of the mountains and my partner's presence. Like all of this was made just for this moment, just for us.

"When did it start for you?"

**Roy:**

We spotted the ranger's lookout area that had a scope and a bench. Johnny entertained himself with looking through the scope while I gingerly leaned against the hot metal railing and stared out across the landscape and the colorful, sun-drenched canyon wall, some areas easily approaching a 90-degree angle.

"The hang glider rescue over in Topanga Canyon. Yourself?"

He straightened up from the scope and crossed his arms on it. "You wanna know something funny? Did for me, too."

**Johnny:**

He curled around and threw me a look I couldn't read, but I could see the wheels turning in his head. He uncurled himself and leaned his back against the railing to face me, a frown on his face, "Do you remember when, exactly?"

"Yeah. In the ambulance, riding in with you to Rampart after you got creamed by that glider…"

'…_He laid his fingers over mine on the mask and took it off again. "Sorry," he whispered._

_"What for?"_

_He slowly reached up and caressed the back of my neck, fingers lingering on my shoulder where he'd grabbed me._

_"S'okay."_

_I leaned over him as I put the mask back on him. We just looked at each other._

_And then it hit me. Without warning. A hundred-pound weight sank in my chest threatening to take me down with it and I felt tears hit my eyes. I turned away from him cause I had to fight tooth and nail to keep it from gettin' a hold of me...'_

'…_He was lookin' sick, a little pale and his breathing was more rapid. He was clearly in a lot pain._

_I leaned over him. "Head or ribs?"_

_He just nodded._

_"Both?"_

_He nodded again, his face sweating from the pain he was in._

_"Hey, we're almost there. Just hang on for me, alright? You're gonna be okay."_

_I grabbed his hand and felt something rush through me._

_But I couldn't fathom for the life of me what it was…'_

His eyes went distant.

"Well, what about you? Do you….remember exactly?" I asked him.

He looked at me, then he turned back to the railing again…

**Roy:**

'…_I felt his hands on my shoulders slide down my chest and I flinched a bit when this… __feeling__… cascaded all the way down inside of me and warmed me down to my toes. It didn't seem like much…but it grabbed a hold of me somethin' fierce and didn't let go.…'_

"_That's_ why you kept squirmin' away from me. _Shit_, Roy, I thought you were in serious pain!"

"Yeah. I know. I remember."

"Man, I was goin' _crazy_ tryin' to figure out how to palpate without makin' it worse."

"Trust me. You didn't succeed."

"Hell, I guess not. So that's when it started for you."

"Yeah…."

"But you don't know why?"

"No…and I was just thinking about that. What about you?"

"Me, neither. I mean, it's good that we both know _when_ it started, but none of this is helping us to figure out the 'why'. I mean, you've been hurt before and I'd been worried, sure, but I never reacted like _that._"

"But the fact that it started at the same time from the same incident has to mean something."

"I'll go along with that."

He turned to face me, but his eyes were shifting as he was thinking. "Johnny, did it come on all of a sudden or had it been building up over time? Before the follow-up in the ambulance, I mean."

I thought about that. "What happened in the ambulance kinda hit me square in the chest. Surprised the hell out of me, to be honest. What about you? Was it a sudden thing or…?"

His face screwed up a little as he sifted through memories. "Yeah. It hit me like a lightning bolt. I was totally unaware of feeling anything before that."

"Huh. Well….doesn't that seem a little odd to you? I mean, the fact that it was the same incident and it hit both of us like a ton of bricks. Ya gotta admit, that's a little odd."

"That's exactly what I was thinking."

A lot of scenarios went through my head. "We're gonna have to backtrack everything that happened that day from that incident. Hell, Roy, this could stem from something you or I said…the day we met!"

"Yeah. But I doubt it goes back that far."

"Well how do you figure that?"

"Because it probably would've happened sooner."

"Well. Yeah. I guess so. Alright. So we backtrack starting from that day."

"Yeah. It also means we may have to dig pretty deep about what brought this on and that's gonna depend on whether we're both ready to get into this for the long haul. I imagine we may not like some of what we find."

Johnny swatted at a bug that flew too close to him. "Not like we have much choice, I guess, but…yeah. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'm just not sure I wanna know what all has to be dug up."

"You and me, both. Guess all we can do is walk through the fire."

**Johnny:**

"You know, Roy, don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather head into a 3-alarm without an attack line than go through this."

"Yeah. But we started this fire. There's no back-up on this one. It's up to us to deal with it."

"Ain't that the truth." I moved over to stand next to him at the railing and we just stood and watched the sunlight move across the landscape for a while.

**~!~**

**Roy:**

Johnny's huffing and moaning was getting louder and the rocking was becoming precarious. He was also slowing down. "Goddammit, Roy!" he wheezed through clenched teeth.

"You're almost there, Johnny."

Each new breath brought a new curse word that got swallowed by heavy breathing. "Can you…fuck!...slip off…_ssshhhit_...by yourself…?"

"Yeah. Just bend over a little."

"Aaauughh!" he yelled and I half slipped, half fell off of my partner and hopped a few steps while he dumped himself on the grass next to the cabin, heaving every breath. "Whew! Man!"

I stood over him. "You alright?"

"Just give me a minute. _Maybe_ I'll recover," he threw me a look. "_Shit _Roy, you have _got_ to lose weight."

"Yeah. I know. Joanne tells me that all the time. You did pretty well, there. I think that was almost 5 minutes."

"Roy," he huffed and puffed on the ground. "That was five minutes _without_ turnouts or air bottles. There is _no way_ that I'm gonna be able to do it for that long _with_ PPE – yours _and_ mine – and climb up…" he made a vague gesture "…thirty flights of stairs! _Especially_ if you're dead weight!"

"Thirty flights."

"You know what I mean."

"I'm afraid to. Don't forget, though, you'd have adrenaline on your side and your own skin to think about." I offered him a hand and yanked him up.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"C'mon. We've still got breakfast to clean up and the rest of the rations to plan out."

He stuck a finger in my chest. "Oh, no. _You_, pally, are never eating again."

"Well, alright, if you wanna drag all that food back—"

"Uh-uh. No way. I've done enough hauling for a week. And, Roy?"

"Yeah?"

"No one at the station gets told about this."

"Considering no one's supposed to know we're even here, I wasn't really planning on mentioning it."

"I know that. I meant…if it ever came up. You know."

"Johnny, if you have to cart me up thirty flights of stairs when we get back on shift day after tomorrow, I think more than just our station's gonna know about it."

He threw me a withering look. "Boy, you have a real gift at kicking a guy when he's down, you know that?"

_Oh brother._

We headed inside and started to clean up from breakfast.

"Okay, so where were we?" Johnny asked. "When we arrived at the scene, right?"

"Right."

"And what do we have, so far?"

"Well," I answered as Johnny handed me the plates from the table. "You were worried about my head injury after that glider rammed into me. I think that made two of us."

Johnny snorted a chuckle as he brought in some of the food plates. "Boy, I tell you, you weren't lookin' too hot."

"Wasn't feeling too hot, either."

"I'll bet. Okay, what else?" he asked, going back into the living room to retrieve more of the dishes.

I stopped to think for a moment and stepped into the kitchen doorway. "You said you started to feel helpless as we were heading down."

Johnny stopped gathering the last of the dishes and leaned a hip against the table. "Yeah. I chalked it up to the assessment of the situation. High angle rescue, bad weather, all of that."

"Was that it? I mean, were those the only things you were worried about or thinking about?"

**Johnny:**

I had to think back on it…

'…_You remember that feeling I mentioned? That helpless one I felt when Roy fell through the space between the roof and the power line and all I could do was watch while he got electrocuted? It came back at me, again. It took every inch of my willpower to stuff it somewhere and concentrate on making sure we got down okay._

_Mike and Marco needled me, one day, about how much of an adventure junkie I was, always gettin' in there, being the one to do the stunts while I left Roy on the ground. It's not that I'm necessarily into all that macho stuff. It's a high, I __will__ admit. Especially when you've saved someone who's in serious trouble. But a big part of the truth is, I like to do the crazy stuff because it's harder for me to watch it when Roy does it. Because I can't control it, I can't control the circumstances. I can control __me__, when __I'm__ doing it. But I can't control things when __he's__ doing it._

_It's not that I don't trust him, I mean far from it! I trust him with my __life__ and I __don't__ mean that casually. But it's not him I have the problem with. It's everything else around him. __That's__ what I don't trust._

_And that's why that feeling was comin' back at me, again. With the sun startin' to lay off those clouds to the east, the winds were pickin' up and we were headin' straight into the maelstrom. And him with those fresh burns on his face and his dislike of heights…_

_I felt worry settle into my gut and I had to bite down awfully damn hard against my instincts to signal to the Engine crew to lower us down further. Cause I wasn't likin' this. Not one damn bit_…'

"Yeah…there was something else." The memory was coming back at me again. "I think the whole situation exacerbated how worried I was with those fresh burns on your face. Worried how it was gonna affect your range of vision, you know. Not to mention how much you love heights."

"Yeah…"

"I mean, with that kind of rescue, there's no room for error. Not one iota. And I was worried you were gonna get hurt because your abilities were compromised, even though I knew you'd never risk a patient or me because of that." I grabbed the dishes and followed him back into the kitchen. "So I guess I spent a lot of that rescue worrying about you. But what about you? Still nothing?"

"I was concentrating on keeping the situation from getting out of hand. I wasn't really thinking about anything else."

We were done with cleaning and had started in on divvying up the rations. I handed Roy stuff from the fridge so we could see what we actually had left. "Okay, so let's go back to where we just were. What about when we arrived?"

**Roy:**

'…_Alright. You want to tie it off or you want me to do it?" Johnny asked as we started to put our belts on that Chet had brought us._

_"No, uh, why don't you go ahead and tie-it off. The minute you've got it wrangled, I'll go in and check the victim. It looks like there's a pocket I can slip through between that bent section of the wing by the leading edge and the cliff face."_

_He sidled up right next to me. "Yeah, I see it."_

_"I don't think the glider will hold for much longer. It's possible her weight is helping to hold it down, but that may be less of a factor as the winds pick up. We just better be sure we both don't get knocked out by that thing or there'll be no one to rescue her."_

_I checked the buckle on the belt._

_"Roy, you need me—?" Johnny started._

_My head snapped up…'_

Johnny was staring off into space, eyes narrowed. "Yeah…yeah I think I remember that. So you felt something when I asked you if you wanted me to make that pack for you?"

I shook my head. He was on to something but wasn't quite there, yet. "No, it was more than that. Something about the way you asked or how you asked is what set it off."

"Okay, so far, we have me being worried about you and you startin' to sense something when we got there."

"I guess that's about right."

"Well, I guess we keep goin' then."

We'd gone through the rations and finally decided on chicken kabobs for dinner. I saw Johnny wander over to the fireplace, contemplating. "Hey Roy, I was just thinkin', Nyquist didn't say we couldn't use the fireplace, right?"

"Not that I recall. Why?"

He walked over, crouched and looked up into the chimney. "Well, I'm kinda thinkin' we could."

"What for?"

"To build a _fire_, Roy. What else would you do with a fireplace?"

_Oh brother._ "Look, uh, you're not thinking of cooking the kabobs in there, are ya?"

He threw me an indignant look that would make even Cap cringe. "No, I am not thinking about cooking the kabobs in here. I just figured 'why not?'. Besides, we have the marshmallows," he smiled conspiratorially.

I saw a small stash of firewood by the hearth. "Well, I suppose if you want to. I'm not sure there's enough firewood, though, and I don't think we should take the last of their stash."

"Well, maybe there's more out back. But if we're gonna use it, I think maybe we oughta clean it, first."

"Whaddya mean 'we'?"

"_We!_ C'mon, Roy. I mean, how often do we get to enjoy a nice evening by the fire?"

"Well how bad is it?"

He squinted up into the chimney, again. "There is a bit of creosote build-up; I can see it from in here, but it's not bad at all, really."

"Well, if there's a ladder and brushes, you're going up onto the roof."

"Yeah, I know, I know. Already thought of that. But I don't think it's that bad. 'Sides, it's only for one night."

I suppose he did have a point. Might lull me into actually sleeping, too. "Alright. Sounds like it might be workable."

**Johnny:**

"Workable? Aw, this'll be _great_, Roy! Just you wait."

He threw that dubious smile at me, but I refused to be daunted by my partner's lack of enthusiasm. Roy checked his watch and put his hands on hips. "Speaking of food, it's still too early to start on dinner. You hungry at all?"

"Naw. 'Course I ate after you did. You hungry?"

"Not really." He stretched for a bit. "Whaddya say we take a break? Grab some chips and sit out on the porch."

"Now _that_ sounds like an excellent idea. You wanna beer?"

"Oh. Yeah. Boy, that'll hit the spot. I put the cold ones in the front."

The sun had started on its downhill climb as we settled on the porch. "Kinda feel like we've been chasing the sun all day."

"Mm," Roy acknowledged as he sipped his beer. "Yeah, that lookout spot is really quite spectacular. Especially at that time of day. Get a great view of the canyon."

"Yeah. If anyone's in trouble in that area, they can really pinpoint their location. Wish we had something like that for firefighting." I scooted up with my back against the railing and crossed my feet along the porch to face Roy.

Roy swirled the beer in his bottle. "No kiddin'. Take out the scope and look for victims without wasting time searching every room and every floor. We could get in, get to them, get back out and get them treated that much faster."

"Would be a lot safer, too. No more worrying about whether all the floors you gotta search are gonna go the minute you step onto 'em. You just target the floor and the area you need to get to and get in and get out. And for us rescue guys, at least, we could conserve energy and oxygen by just goin' straight to the victim. Be a lot less stress injuries and smoke inhalation problems for us."

"I agree. Boy, that'd be a real time-saver and not only minimize the injuries but the severity."

"That'd be a sweet deal." We sat silent for a bit, lost in our own thoughts. "Maybe they could, uh, come up with some kind of device where you could keep track of your partner. Woulda come in real handy when Dunning just left you up there." I looked straight at him as I sipped my beer.

Roy threw me a look that I couldn't read, a flurry of emotions swirling in his eyes until they dropped to the floor. "Yeah…" he downed the rest of his beer in one long gulp. "C'mon, Junior. Let's go see to that chimney of yours before we start in on dinner. It's gonna take awhile to prep everything," he said as he got up.

I just watched him head straight in, noticing he was extra careful not to look at me as he went inside.

"Roy…? We're gonna have to talk about this," I called after him but got no answer. 'Course, I wasn't sure he'd heard me, either.

I think I was beginning to see just how this whole thing had started.

**Roy:**

I think Johnny got a little too carried away with the whole scope idea, at least as far as my personal comfort was concerned.

He was right though. We were going to have to talk about it.

I guess I wasn't quite ready, just then. The conversation had been going in a nice leisurely direction until it ran right smack into Dunning and it caught me off-guard. I needed more time. More time at just the moment we were running out of it. Murphy's Law. I suppose I'd signed up for the long haul but…I just wasn't ready.

_Give me more time. Just… give me more time…_

**Johnny:**

We found more firewood out back and brought in enough for us and to restock what we'd planned on using, then got to cleaning the chimney. I kept an eye on him the whole time. Ever since I brought up Dunning he went quiet on me. It was just like the ride comin' over after we found out Melissa had died. Roy didn't say much if the conversation even remotely neared firefightin' and only said anything when spoken to.

I was gettin' that feeling, again, like he was leaving me behind, just like how it'd felt in the kitchen, last night. We were close to figuring this out I could feel it. But I had to keep it on the surface. I had to anchor him before he submerged everything again and we were back to square one.

We finally got the chimney flue lookin' brand spanking new, then got cleaned up and tackled the prep for dinner. I was trying to cut the stems off the mushrooms, but the knife I had just wasn't cuttin' it, no pun intended. "Hey, Roy, check in that drawer over there, see if there's another knife."

He did, there was and he handed it over and we stood together in the kitchen chopping vegetables.

"So, uh…I was thinkin' more about this thing as we were cleaning the chimney. About when this thing started happening between us." I stole a side-long glance at him to gauge his mood.

"Uh-huh," he muttered as he sliced up the tomatoes.

"So we pretty much figured that this….probably started after I came back from vacation."

He threw me a quick glance as he grabbed another tomato to work on. "Yeah. I guess so."

I tried to hide the seriousness of the question while I chopped the mushrooms. "Did anything happen while I was gone, maybe? That had to do with you, I mean, in relation to me that may have started this whole thing? With you, I mean?" _Oh yeah, that was real smooth, Gage_…

He got real quiet and he kept chopping like he hadn't heard me.

I kept chopping, too. "I mean, uh, was there anything that happened aside from Dunning and his glorified trip into stupidity?"

I heard Roy's chopping slow to a stop. I looked over at him and he was just standing there, eyes boring a hole into the backsplash. Then he frowned, set the knife down on the cutting board and walked outside.

_Well, shit…_

I was all set to go after him, but decided at the last second to let him be. For the moment. That was the second time he'd done that in as many days. I had a feeling I had – _we_ had – just kinda stumbled on to the root of this thing and if last night was any indication, it was deep enough for both of us that some space between us was a good idea.

_Dunning, Dunning, Dunning_….

My mind harped back to when I came back from vacation to hear Chet and Marco revel in the Nitwit of Idiocy that was the Great Dunning:

'…_It's not like stupidity isn't unheard of among firefighters. But the incidents I know of usually stem from extreme job fatigue or a probie mistake._

_But __this__…_

_There was __no__ way…_

_I __could__ not __believe__ what I was hearing._

_Madder 'n a mosquito in a mannequin factory doesn't even __begin__ to cover how teed off I was. It just brought back everything that happened that time when Roy fell through the…_

_That sickening, helpless feeling that I vowed I would __never__ go though again…'_

That was it, wasn't it….? I never wanted to feel that way after watching Roy get electrocuted from that power line. Yet it _did_ happen again. Thanks to that stupid sonofabitch. Only this time I wasn't there.

_I wasn't there…_

I went and looked out on the porch, but it was empty. I looked for him all around the cabin. I even went over to the lookout area, but there was no sign of my partner.

I guess maybe he needed some time alone, so I figured I'd finish the dinner prep and hope he comes home.

Even after all the vegetables were done, there was still no sign of Roy. I grabbed the hibachi out of the car and was easing it down in front of the porch when I heard gravel-crunching footsteps in front of me.

I straightened up and saw Roy comin' up the path. His eyes were kinda red. My heart went out to him, but I felt like I had to keep it low-key, for his sake. "Hey, partner. Where'd you go?"

He thumbed back behind him. "Down by the stream."

"You okay?"

"Yeah," he breathed with a lopsided grin that quickly faded before he sniffed and wiped at his eye with his arm.

"Got kinda worried when I couldn't find you."

"Sorry," he gestured vaguely.

"No. Wasn't any trouble. I was just…worried, that's all. The veggies are done. I was about to start on the chicken."

"I'll do the chicken if you wanna get the fire started," he pointed at the hibachi. "Did you find the skewers?"

"Yeah, they're on the counter."

"Okay," and he trudged up the steps inside.

That feeling came over me again, that same one from this morning. All I could do was plunk down on the steps and just kinda…calm the weight in my chest. I finally went and grabbed the bag of charcoal and the lighter fluid from the car and made a circular fire break around the hibachi with the gravel. But I was barely paying attention. I was mostly aware only of the emotions swirling around in my gut.

**Roy:**

It's one thing to sign up for a deep-seated cleansing, but it's another thing entirely to have to do it.

Johnny's mention of Dunning had brought everything back to the surface, and I knew I couldn't remain in the cabin. Maybe because of last night and the headspace I was in. Maybe because of all our revelations of the morning. Maybe because I'd barely had any sleep for three days.

Maybe because Johnny was right on target…

'…_Marco was waving at me from the stairs while Chet was trying to clear the stairwell of debris. "Are you alright?" Marco yelled, hands cupped around his mouth. _

"_Yeah! Listen! Dunning may be trapped in the east wing!" I pointed._

"_No! He's not! He's downstairs!"…'_

The unmitigated nerve….the unmitigated _arrogance_. The _ineptitude_… the sheer fucking _laziness_.

How could you do it? Knowing that 110s had declared the roof unsafe. To _leave_ me there without so much as a, a 'see ya'. How could you do it?

I've known _bricks _with more common sense. To leave your partner in there…if you were a recruit at the academy they'd've hauled you out of there so fast you wouldn't have known what hit ya.

My _wife_…_!_

My kids. _God_, my _kids_…my kids…

'…_I looked back down the far end of the wing. I couldn't wait any longer; She was coming awfully fast…'_

'…_Chris! Jenny! Joanne!...'_

'…_they found her body early this morning…like trash that someone discarded…'_

'_I would never leave you, Roy. I would never do that…'_

_Johnny…_

As the stream had bubbled and gurgled next to me, so did the anger and the fear that I'd bottled up that simply wouldn't be denied any longer and we soon mirrored one another as the water had flowed in the quiet of the shade of the trees.

**~!~**

**Johnny:**

"Set it down over here, Roy. Watch your step."

Roy brought the chicken out on a tray and set it down on a small stool I'd found inside the cabin.

I had the fire going real good on the grill and we set the chicken on the fire and watched the smoke drift up and listened to the sizzle.

"You know we're doing this kinda backwards," I laughed.

"Yeah. That did occur to me as I was chopping this up."

Roy settled himself on the bottom step while I separated the chicken pieces a little more on the grill then joined him.

I looked out at the sky. The clouds were getting a little thicker and the intense blue of the sky was fading as the sun continued to make its way west. I waved the smoke over to me and smelled the nice aroma of barbeque. "I think I'm finally gettin' hungry."

"Yeah, me too. Smells good, if I do say so ourselves."

I glanced at him and laughed a little. I poked a couple of the charcoal pieces with the tongs to get 'em goin'. "Sorry I wasn't around, earlier. I really was worried about you."

"Don't worry about it. Kinda needed to work things out on my own."

"Dunning?"

"Yeah…."

He looked kinda sad._ Man, talk about feeling clueless about what to say next!_ I started to get up. "You wanna beer?"

He waved me back down. "I'll wait till dinner. I should get another plate for the chicken and bring out the vegetables. Is there another stool inside?"

"Oh you know what? We should bring out the coffee table."

After I turned the chicken over on the grill we set about gathering everything together for a nice fireside BBQ evening. We were starving by the time the chicken was done and cooled a little and we couldn't get the kabobs skewered fast enough.

The sun was far below the trees and the twilight was hanging in the sky when we finally laid back against the steps and patted our bellies.

I glanced over at him with a happily satisfied grin. "Well that was one of the best camping meals I've ever had. Those kabobs were awfully good."

Roy grinned back. "They did turn out pretty good, didn't they? C'mon, let's get this cleaned up before we fall asleep and find ourselves covered with ants."

We cleared the coffee table and cleaned up the kitchen. We both decided to grab another beer and kick back on the porch.

**Roy:**

I noticed my partner standing next to me, hand out like he was waiting for me to fall, as I made my way down the steps. "You know, I can get down these steps quite well on my own," I grumbled.

He answered me with a mischievous grin. "After that cliff, the hike and those steps earlier today, I feel like I'm gonna have to make a career out of catchin' you."

I stared him, dumbstruck.

'…_I was vaguely aware of a sound; I guess the cup had fallen over. Saw and felt Johnny reach under my arm to catch it…'_

… to catch _me_…

_That's what this was all about, wasn't it?_

We hunkered down on the bottom step, again, watching the grill fire slowly die down, sipping our beer in the cool air and comfortable silence and looked out at the trees silhouetted against the fading light.

Everything swirled in my mind. It was all starting to come together.

**Johnny:**

I poked at the charcoal and watched them glow red. "You know, I was, uh, I was thinkin' earlier about when I came back from vacation."

Roy took a swig of his beer.

"When Chet and Marco gave me that cockamamie story about Dunning."

I stole a side-glance at him, hedgin' to see whether Roy was ready to talk about it, yet. Not sure he had much choice 'cause our time was almost up. But I was tryin' to figure what my options were, in case he wasn't.

**Roy:**

"I remember. You stalked out of the kitchen. I went after you to find out what was going on…"

'…_I grabbed his arm as he started past me, "Who're you mad at, Johnny? Me or Benjamin?"_

_"I don't know….All I know is, I would never leave you, Roy. I would never do that.'_

_Now what was that supposed to mean?_

_But as I watched him head to the Squad with that weird comment floatin' around in my head, I…felt something move in me. Some kind of…emotion, I guess. I'd never felt it before. It was awfully brief, too quick for me to hold onto and figure it out. Didn't matter, we had to move and so I ran to join him…'_

"I guess…I guess maybe that's when it'd started."

"When I said I would never leave you."

"Yeah. At the time, I didn't understand it, but now it's all starting to make sense. And then Melissa. Only today did I make the connection."

**Johnny:**

I watched the firelight reflect off his features.

"I meant it, Roy. Man, I cannot tell you how scared I was listening to that bullshit story from Chet and Marco and having _that_ in my head the whole time we were at that scene and then after you'd gotten beaned by that glider and I had to tie it off to get to you…"

'…_"__ROY!"_

_I'd just gotten the IV instructions for the pilot from Rampart when I heard Cap yell like his life was at stake. I snapped my head up to see him with his hands cupped around his mouth yelling down the cliff face…'_

"It was a good thing it'd been Cap who'd seen you get hit, Roy, 'cause I'd-a skedaddled down that cliff without a safety belt the minute I'd seen it happen. That just shook me to the core, seein' you danglin' like that."

He was kinda hunched in on himself, like he was trying to keep out the cold. "Sorry."

"Hell, Roy, it wasn't your fault. And don't get me wrong, under any circumstances I'd-a been on a line in half a heartbeat to get to you. But something about that whole rescue… something snapped in me when I'd heard Cap's voice yelling like the whole world needed rescue. I don't think I'll ever forget that as long as I live. I mean, my _hands_ were shaking; I couldn't get that belt on_ fast_ enough…!"

'…_Cap whipped his head at me, "Is he still attached to the bolt?"_

'_Ah, shit, yeah, he might be...!'_

"…I don't think I'd ever felt so…frazzled during a rescue, before. Maybe when I was first starting out, but I was always able to keep any kind panic from gettin' a hold of me. But, man, I couldn't move _fast_ enough to get to you. Shit, I'd never felt so…_helpless!_ So damned…_vulnerable. So_…"

'…_"What'n the hell __happened__to you?"…'_

'…_He __left__ him. He __walked__out__ and __left__my partner. In a __fire__. That sonofabitch just __left__ him. Without saying a __fucking__ word__; he just __left__ him!...' _

'…_I had to get up and do something before I stalked over to 24s to beat Dunning to within an inch of his __life...'_

I wasn't there. Son of a bitch, I wasn't there. To help you, Roy. _Dunning __left__ you there. We both __trusted__ that son of a bitch..._

"Shit, Roy, I hadn't been there. My partner almost died and I couldn't do a damn thing about it."

And I hadn't realized until just then how much that burned me.

**Roy:**

Johnny kept his head low, gently rocking his beer bottle between his hands. "You know, this morning during breakfast when I just left…it's occurred to me over the course of the day that I've been…real protective of you, lately. I think that's why it started with me. After that bullshit with Dunning and then the glider…I think that's what's…been my problem. I told you I would never leave you and I realize I said it after the fact, but I wasn't kidding. You mean a lot to me, Roy. I mean, hell, it's _your_ fault I became a paramedic! So I guess what I'm really trying to say is…you have only yourself to blame, for all of this," he snorted a laugh.

"Thanks."

He patted my knee. "Don't mention it."

We lapsed into a companionable silence for a bit.

"Seriously, Roy. I don't think I ever realized how much we…" he huffed out a breath like he was angry, covered it with a cough and then started scratching at the spindle of the railing with his thumbnail. "How much we…cared about each other until this shit with Dunning went down…" his voice had faded into a whisper. "You know what I mean?"

"Yeah. I do."

He scuffed the heel of his shoe against the step. "So, back to my earlier question which I'm not sure we ever really answered. You think it's the…thrill of the chase or are we _hoping_ for something more settled?"

I grabbed the tongs and stoked the charcoal and watched them glow brighter. "Well – to answer your question – I'm convinced this isn't quite the deal we'd been worried about."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess it was something I realized down by the stream earlier today. I can care about you and I can love you. But I'm not _in_ love. At least, I guess, not in that way. And I don't want to saddle anyone with that kind of doubt. I know we love each other, but I guess not in that way. I suppose it's a different thing between us. Maybe there's no real definition. So if this was ever hedging toward 'something more settled'… Sorry Johnny, it was never my intent to hurt you."

He waved it off. "S'okay. I'm fine, Roy. Really. I'm not offended, at all. I mean, I wasn't necessarily expecting anything. I'm not sure _what_ I was expecting. I guess I was just…wondering where this was all going. But if it's not about _being_ in love, I can accept that. I just want to know what we're doing, that's all."

I gave him a dubious look, worried that he was simply trying to spare my feelings.

He curled his hand to his chest, "Honest! Look, I love you, you're my best friend, we know beyond every possible doubt that we trust each other. You and I have been partners longer than all the other paramedic teams out there," he gestured. "And we're not just paramedics, but firemen, which comes with a whole host of dangers and situations most people don't face. We both know how that can forge bonds that run pretty deep."

I pulled my socks up. "I was thinking about that. Remember when you said to me you'd never leave me after the Dunning incident, back at the station? At the time, I thought it was a weird thing to say, but I wasn't sure if it was _because_ you said it or the _way_ you said it. But something about that…did something to me. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. And then, when Early told us they'd found Melissa in the ravine... He said it was like she'd been discarded. And that whole idea's been rattling around in my brain, ever since."

"Being discarded?"

"Yeah."

**Johnny: **

It all clicked together, for me, right then. What he'd gone through and what he'd been reacting to all this time. The look of sadness on his face was silhouetted against the deepening twilight. "'Cause that was how you felt after Dunning left you in there."

He dug underneath his fingernails. "Yeah. I finally figured that out. And Melissa's case just…kinda drove it in, I guess. Feeling discarded. And by the _one_ person who's supposed to have your back." He leaned against the railing and smiled. "Well, that's my excuse, what's yours?"

I figured Melissa's case had to factor in somehow. Did something to him, to us. Didn't know why, though. All I knew was, it'd seemed to make us need to connect to each other, verify that bond between us. Like we were trying to make up for something that she never had. Something she never gave herself the chance to have.

I leaned against the railing and smiled back at him, his eyes reflecting the firelight. "Because you're my best friend, Roy. You're my partner. We count on each other to be at our best in the worst situations. We have a level of trust that is beyond the norm because of that. I can be dealing with a patient with _hellfire_ going on around me and _know_, without _any_ shadow of a doubt, that I'll be perfectly okay because you have my back. And _you_ know I have yours. And that's the thing, Roy, there are no _maybes_ between us. But Dunning fucked all that up when he callously left you behind. He left you in there to _die_, Roy! He leftmy _partner_, my _best_ _friend_. I _entrusted_ him to watch your back and he treated both of us like we were a damned inconvenience. I almost _lost_ you because of that. I am so _pissed_ about that, Roy, I can't even be _rational_ about it. And I think he shook you up more than you even realized and I am goddamn pissed as fuck at him for putting you in that position! In one fell swoop, I felt like he messed with the trust between us. And maybe it wasn't your take on it or intent, I don't know, but when you started treatin' me like Dunning, it just took my rage to a whole new level—"

His hands splayed apart, "Wait a minute, hold on. What do you mean I started treating you like Dunning—?"

"You _hid_ those burns from me, Roy. You wandered around all over the station tryin' to _hide_ it. From _me!_ That whole mornin'! Like I was never gonna find out… And then after that hang glider rescue? When we got you to Rampart? Do you remember what you said? What you told me?"

**Roy:**

I think I about laughed_. _ "I had a concussion. There were a lot of things I said, Johnny."

"Uh huh. One _specific_ thing you said to me. You said 'thanks for comin' back for me'. I couldn't believe you'd said that! After what I told you that same morning after Chet and Marco went off on that stupid stunt that Dunning pulled. What did I tell you, Roy? What did I say to you?" He was leaning forward, legs splayed all over the steps.

I stared at the floor because I couldn't look him in the eye. I could hear his voice telling me that and I felt that same warm feeling course through me again. "That you would never leave me."

"That's right," he punctuated the air with his finger. "And I wasn't kidding. And now, all of a sudden, you're tellin' me you didn't expect me to come back for you. Hell, Roy, I felt like you were treating me like that sorry sonofabitch, like you didn't trust me, like _I_ was Dunning. Well I am not Dunning. And I was damned if I was gonna let him get away with messing with something that both of us need from each other, that we depend on, day in and day out."

I tried to come up with an explanation for him. I mean, there was an explanation. I hadn't told him about the burns because I didn't want another lecture. And I thanked him for comin' back for me as kind of a joke, because I knew he would. But in light of Dunning's actions and how it ended up affecting us…I could see how he'd taken it the way he had.

It would never have occurred to me not to trust him. But I had come to realize that I think he understood, far better than I had and a whole lot sooner, that trust had been what this was all about. When I got jealous of Gil and then that structure fire at the brewery. I hadn't trusted Joanne enough to brush off her mother's criticisms of me like she'd already been doing all these years. And just as important – to me, anyway – the trust I had in my partner. I guess I figured I could trust any firefighter. I may not get along with all of them, but I was certain I could trust them. Had before and they'd never let me down.

Until Dunning.

And then everything snowballed after that and I just didn't realize… how deep my feelings really were. About everything. Remember at the beginning of all this when I said it might've been a mistake that I hadn't allowed myself to get upset about Dunning? Had I just given over to sheer rage at the time, none of this would've happened. But I shoved it aside when it got too much and I see, now, how that messed everything up. Or not. Like I said, depends on your perspective.

"I apologize, Johnny. I didn't mean for any of that to come across that way. The only reason I didn't tell you was because I knew you'd go ballistic on me. I'd already gotten the lectures from Cap and Dixie and Joanne and the rest of the engine crew. I wasn't up to hearing it from you, too. I did it out of self-preservation. It wasn't meant as a comment about you."

"Yeah, well…thanks. For the apology, I mean. I guess I took it too personally."

"You do have a tendency to do that, sometimes."

**Johnny:**

"Yeah, I know. You don't have to rub it in. I think I was just…feelin' so damned helpless about it all. I mean, I can't tell you what it's like, Roy, to come back from fun in the sun and see my partner, my best friend with second-degree burns on his face! And while I'm trying to deal with Chet and Marco's tall tales of Dunning's Incredible Stupidity, my partner gets beaned by some hang glider and left with some possible serious head injuries and it takes me half a day to get to 'im. I just…and then I couldn't help that girl in the ambulance when she bled out on me and…" I had to take a deep breath 'cause it was all comin' back at me. Roy scooted closer and I felt his hand gently squeezing the back of my neck. "_Shit_, Roy, it was like the worst twenty-four hours of my life. All the…training and know-how and it all came down to not being able to do a damned thing when it counted. I've been so damned angry about all of that that I just kinda buried it because I didn't want to deal with it. I dunno, I guess maybe the same thing happened with you."

Roy released me and I instantly missed the contact.

"That's about the conclusion I came, to, as well. You're right, about Dunning. I had rationalized it away without confronting how I really felt about it. I think because I was afraid of how angry I really was. I suppose the whole thing's entirely my fault. You and I have worked so long together that we know what the other's going to do. I mean, we barely have to say anything, any more," he gestured with his hands apart. "And I think I kinda took that for granted, assuming Dunning was gonna do the same thing. I mean, those times when I've partnered with Brice or Dwyer, while it wasn't the same as working with you, we got the job done. I felt I could trust them and they never let me down. But I think Dunning so threw me for a loop, I almost didn't know how to react. I think my faith really kinda took a bit of a beating, thanks to him."

"You know, this whole thing kinda reminds of Mrs. Miyako."

"Who?" Roy downed the last of his beer.

"Mrs. Miyako. Remember? She and her husband had just moved here and she was undergoing false labor at the gas station…"

'…_"My mother expects my baby to carry a name that's been passed down in her family for the last six generations. At first I was proud to do that. Then I found out what it meant." Her face screwed up like she was about to puke._

_I was afraid to ask. "What?"_

_"'Bad smell'. Do you really expect me to give my child that name?"_

_I about cracked up!_

_"Well did it get passed on to you?"_

_"Fortunately, no. My sister, got it, though." She shuddered. "I think my mother is trying to punish me for marrying an Okinawan."_

_I had to admit, I had no idea what that meant. "Well…aren't you, uh, Okinawan, too?"_

_"Japanese. We're supposed to hate each other. But that's my parents' generation. I don't care what Ronald is. He loves me, I love him. I trust him. That's what's supposed to matter, right…?"_

Roy's eyes lit up. "Oh yeah. Boy, she was a real kick in the pants."

"Yeah, she was a trip. And she was right. Even with us wondering about that whole queer thing. It doesn't matter who or what. What matters is that we trust each other. And I guess that's the crux of this whole thing, isn't it? I mean, if you ask me, I think this whole thing's been all about trust. You were in _serious_ trouble on that cliff and it made you feel _incredibly_ vulnerable. Maybe more so than you've ever felt in your life. Now, under normal circumstances it might not ever have affected you the way it did. But it did this time because it came off the heels of Dunning. And after seeing what he did to you, it made me feel so…damned helpless. Gettin' you off that cliff was the only way I could do anything about it. Made me realize how I really felt about…things. Maybe, somehow, at that moment, when I came back for you, how we feel about each other became transmuted into…whatever it was we experienced. 'Cause maybe that's what we needed. Maybe we were tryin' to…reconnect."

He was starin' off toward the trees, "You may be on to something, Junior."

I finished off my beer. "Yeah. Or, I could be dead wrong, Roy," I retied the shoelaces I hadn't realized had come undone when I set my bottle down. "Maybe we'll never know what it was. Maybe we'll realize it at dinner, tomorrow night, I don't know. But, I do know one thing – I'm sure as hell glad Dunning ain't my partner."

"That goes for both of us."

I glanced at him. "We still partners?"

Roy shifted his feet. "If you want. I…don't know if it'll quite be the way it was before. But maybe that's okay."

"I think we have a more solid friendship than we did before."

"I'll go along with that. You know, I _was_ surprised to see you. Figured Cap'd call in another rescue unit," he said, elbows hanging off his knees.

"He did. You were in one hell of a spot on that cliff, Roy."

"So you came and got me."

I flashed him my best Gage Charmer smile and nudged him shoulder to shoulder. "You're my partner. I told you I wasn't gonna leave you. C'mon, let's get the marshmallows out. I've been itching to get that fireplace going."

**Roy:**

We got the fireplace going and grabbed the marshmallows and had us a real campfire treat. Johnny got the idea to set up Marco's brother's portable TV, since he'd gone through all the trouble of bringing it, although we both knew the real reason he'd mentioned it.

We'd both about had it by then, but neither of us seemed to want to retire to our own rooms to sleep. Whatever it was that had happened to us strengthened the bond between us and it manifested in a physical need to remain in each other's presence.

So we each grabbed a side of the couch and whiled away the night watching television together by the fire until fatigue finally overcame us.

**~!~**

**Johnny:**

The next morning, after eating the last of the eggs, we loaded everything up into the Rover and made quick work of cleaning the cabin and gathering up all the trash. Then we strolled down to the ranger's lookout and just hung out for a bit, letting the landscape and the mountain just…settle into our being for awhile.

I saw some kind of bug land on the back of Roy's shoulder and I stepped behind him to shoo it off.

I looked at him…leaning on the rail and looking out into the canyon. All these months all these moments all this…stuff between us. I got up right behind him and put my hands on his shoulders. He turned his head to me and smiled, but didn't move, otherwise.

"We gonna be okay, partner?" I whispered into his ear.

He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I think so. You okay?"

I stepped back next to him. My hand lingered on the back of his neck for a few moments. "Yeah. I'm fine." I looked at my watch. "Guess we'd better get going."

Roy sighed and took one long last look at the canyon. I hooked his fingers into mine. He patted the railing, the regret clear on his features. "Wish we could take this view home with us."

"Yeah. Wouldn't that be a sweet deal?" I gave him a bit of a tug. "C'mon, partner…"

I started down the path and he let me gently tug him along. He finally started to follow of his own volition and we ambled back to the cabin with our hands in our pockets and Roy lookin' around, tryin' to soak up as much of the place as he could. For someone who seemed like he had to be dragged here kickin' and screamin', he sure didn't want to leave.

Couldn't blame him.

Satisfied that the cabin was tip-top ranger ready, we piled into the Rover and headed for home. I turned the radio on as we pulled out onto the road and some pop song was playing. I moved to turn it off, again, knowing how Roy felt about rock music.

"Turn it up, Johnny."

"I thought you didn't like rock-n-roll?"

"Just…turn it up."

_O-kay_…

"…_And if I'm feelin' good to you  
>And you're feelin' good to me<br>There ain't nothin' we can't do or say  
>Feelin' good,<br>Feeling fine  
>Whoa, baby, let the music play<em>…"*

I drummed on the steering wheel and he leaned an arm on the open window and his hand kept the beat against the door while the wind whipped our hair around. We looked at each other and smiled, feeling more secure in our friendship than we ever had and we made for home.

"_Whoa, listen to the music._

_Whoa, listen to the music._

_Whoa, listen to the music…"_

* _"Let the Music Play,"_ by the Doobie Bros.

_fin_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** It is very often (if not mostly) the case for slash fic to contain graphic scenes of intimacy and I daresay there may be readers for whom the absence of such a scene in this story is a disappointment. I don't shy away from a well-written graphic scene and enjoy them as both a reader and an author. However, as stated in my opening note at the very beginning of this story, I wanted to take a different approach to slash. I wanted, on the surface, to traverse that feathery boundary between bromance/slash as the characters find themselves suddenly confronted with a 'what if?' and must reexamine themselves and their relationships. But beneath that, is the deeper exploration of the impact and sensuousness of a simple touch and the sense of intimacy, deep caring, and affection it can convey. In our darkest moments, it's what we instinctively crave; what we need. A simple, loving touch can also be few and far between; yet in its rarity is contained one of the most powerful and healing things in the world and for that I felt it was worth exploring.

I do not know who originally created this two-character format in fanfic writing, but I came across this style in an exquisitely written Miami Vice slash fic, "24/7" by elfin. I have, in no way, matched her incredible talent in this piece, but this particular story seemed the perfect opportunity to try my hand at this style. I can only hope it conveyed Roy's and Johnny's journey with passion, affection and emotion.

Thank you for reading.


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